Chapter 1 –If I Were A Boy

"If I were a boy even just for a day,

I'd roll out of bed in the morning
and throw on what I wanted and go
Drink beer with the guys and chase after girls, I'd kick it with who I wanted

and I'd never get confronted for it , cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl, I swear I'd be a better man"

If I Were A Boy by Beyonce

Charlie Hawke stared down at the templar that had been sent to take her and her sister, Bethany, to the circle. She held no animosity toward him and the more he writhed in utter pain as he died of Blight sickness, the more Charlie's sympathy only increased for him. No one should have to die like this… not even a templar. She looked at the tall warrior beside her, "Aveline, he is your husband. I can't make this decision for you."

The warrior gave a curt nod, bowed her head briefly then drew out her dagger. "I love you, Wesley."

"And I you, Love," the templar moaned as he clasped his hands over top of his wife's. The gingered hair warrior skillfully slid the dagger through her husband's ribs finding its way to his heart. The man gasped his final breath as Aveline clung to her husband and cried.

Charlie motioned for the rest of the group to back away to allow Aveline a few minutes alone to mourn her husband. Charlie turned toward the witch of the wilds who had begun to speak, "It gets no easier, and your struggles have just begun."

Aveline came up behind her, "She is right, Charlie. When Wesley doesn't return with you and your sister, the templars will just send more after you, but you're in luck, they don't know your names. They only know to look for two dark haired mages. With Bethany's… death it's only your identity that must be concealed. However, even without a detailed description, the templars will be closely examining every young ravened hair girl that tries to board a ship out of Amaranthine. However, if you dress as man and with Carver at your side as your brother, you will give them no reason to question you and you will be able to board a ship completely undetected."

"Become a man? I don't know the first thing about being a man!" Charlie stated.

"I'll help you. Besides you act more like boy than a girl anyway," Carver grumbled.

Charlie furrowed her eyebrows at her brother, "And since when do you know anything about being a man?"

Carver was about to retort when their mother cut him off. "Charlotte, it's the only way for us to leave Ferelden without the templars on our heels," Leandra said.

"Stop your sniveling, Sis… brother; grow a pair and act like a man," Carver said sarcastically.

"I'll grow a pair when you finally do," Charlie said dryly.

The group quickly scavenged the bodies that were nearby and found a smuggler's rogue armor. Leandra tore the slip of her dress and cut it into strips to bind Charlie's chest. Once that was done, she quickly got changed. The armor was loose enough so that it didn't emphasize her womanly curves, but not so loose to be a hindrance.

Leandra smiled at her when she stepped out of the bushes. "Aaah, my pretty girl, we are going to have to find some type of animal fur to create the illusion of facial hair. Otherwise, that beautiful face of yours will fool no one and I'm sorry, but we need cut that long hair of yours."

"What? Why? Plenty of men have long hair," Charlie whined as she grabbed her much beloved hair.

"Aveline said that they are looking for a girl with long dark hair. We can't take the chance of them even giving you a second glance," Leandra stated as Carver drew his dagger and handed it to her.

Unable to stop herself, tears rolled down Charlie's cheeks as she watched the long tresses fall to the ground as her identity and life changed in an instant. When her mother was done, Charlie ran her fingers through her hair. It was cut close to her head with long bangs sweeping over her forehead. She let out sigh, then composed herself and stood up.

"Well, if your face doesn't give you away, that scrawny body will, but I guess we don't have a choice. At least you're tall and it's a good thing Dad thought it was prudent to train you as a rogue too. You're going to need those skills to protect yourself," Carver stated.

"You've been trained as mage and a rogue?" Aveline asked. Charlie nodded. "That's impressive."

"Father only wanted us to use magic as a last resort. He didn't want to draw unwanted attention to us, but he also wanted us to be able to defend ourselves. So he trained Bethany and I in magic, and had one of the Bann's squires that was a family friend trained us with blades," Charlie explained.

"Don't compliment her too much, it will give her a big head and we will never get it to fit below the ship's deck," Carved snipped. Charlie ignored her brother's dig as the group gathered their things. Charlie whistled for her mabari, Rhage, the dog trotted up beside her just as Flemeth gave a curt nod that it was time to go.

xxXxx

Charlie stared at the massive stone twins as the boat finally made port in Kirkwall three months later. She fidgeted with the bindings around her chest that were starting to dig into her sides and she scratched at her fur that was adhered to her face in the shape of goatee. Maker, she couldn't wait to be a girl again. Watching men eat, fart and shit for three months was enough to make a girl become interested in other girls.

Once they disembarked off the ship, they made their way to Captain Ewald to see about being let into the city. After a brief confrontation with a few Ferelden deserters who they had easily bested, Charlie approached the captain again.

The man eyed Charlie up and down and snorted, "Little short for a man, aren't you?"

"That's what happens when you don't eat your vegetables," Carver interjected dryly. Charlie shot him a nasty look.

Charlie dropped her voice an octave, "Our Uncle Gamlen Amell lives in the city. If you find him, I'm sure he would vouch for us."

"I know Gamlen, if I come across him, I will send him to you," Captain Ewald said.

By the end of the third day when her uncle finally made his way out of the city to see them, Charlie was at the end of her rope. Her face was driving her crazy from having fur stuck to it twenty-four hours a day for three days straight and she personally believed that once she undid the bindings on her chest that they would no longer be the perky mounds they had once been, but now concaved holes in her chest. So when Gamlen told them that they would become indentured servants for a year in order to get into the city, she jumped at the chance. At that point she would have given Carver's left ball to get into the city… she would have offered her own, but she hadn't manage to grow a pair. Unfortunately for her, the smuggler, Athenril, that she was now working for believed she was a man, so she had to continue with the charade for her safety and the safety of her family.

Now, a year later as Charlie stood before the dwarf that was offering them the opportunity of a lifetime for fifty sovereigns, she nearly bent down to kiss him, but Carver grabbed her arm to restrain her.

In a deep voice she said, "You have a deal."

"Excellent! We are going to need to get our hands a map to get into the Deep Roads there is a Grey Warden that I heard about in Lowtown, he might be able to help us out," Varric stated.

"Well, Lowtown it is; lead the way," Charlie said.

Varric led them through a few back allies into Lowtown. They passed a merchant's table where a very handsome, tall, blond man stood purchasing herbs; he looked up at her and Charlie felt her stomach flip. He was so gorgeous with his scruffy beard and honey brown eyes that Charlie couldn't help but smile at him. The man was taken aback at first, but then genuinely returned the smile. As they passed by him, Charlie looked over her shoulder and was happy to see him still staring at her.

"Stop staring at him like he's dinner. He is going to think you're gay," Carver growled in her ear.

"Well, considering I'm a man that is attracted to another man then technically I am gay," she retorted.

"But if he is gay and he finds out that you lack the twigs and berries he was expecting, he won't be happy and your cover will be blown."

"What the bloody hell? So I'm supposed to remain celibate for the rest of my life? Things will start to grow back together down there!"

Carver looked at her and couldn't help but laugh. "I'm sorry, Si.. Brother. I know this has been hard on you."

"You don't know anything. Spend a year in a dress and corset, then come talk to me," Charlie grumbled.

xxXxx

Anders had an extra spring in his step as he made his way back to the clinic. It had been over year since he had openly flirted with anyone… well, not since Elissa. The young man's face was still in his mind's eye. The man was not handsome, but actually beautiful. He had the most striking blue eyes and except for the dark black goatee his features were very feminine, but it was his smile that had blown Anders away. It was so radiant and genuine. It was like a beacon drawing him in. Anders had wanted to drop what he was doing and follow him. Unfortunately, he had a very sick child at the clinic that he had to get back to.

He spent the rest of the day working on the child that lay on his table as an unknown virus attacked his frail body. He had just healed the bit of infection when his magic gave out from sheer exhaustion. He turned away from the table and bent over, trying to collect himself when he heard the clinic door open and felt the presence of magic enter. Anders spun to face the group. The two out in front, a warrior with jet black hair and dwarf, they both looked faintly familiar, but he couldn't place where he had seen them. Beside them was a tall red headed warrior that Anders recognized as a member of the city guard. His instincts immediately went on alert. "I have made this a place of healing and salvation. Why do you threaten it?"

From behind the three stepped the young man from earlier this afternoon. He was the source of the magic, but he was dressed in rogue armor. He stepped forward and as recognition dawned on him, he smiled that brilliant smile again, causing Anders stomach to flip. He laid his blades down on the ground. "I m-mean …" he started to speak in a voice that Anders hadn't expected to come from him, but he coughed to clear his throat and then continued in a deeper tone. "I mean you no harm. I just want to talk."

As he set the blades down, he made eye contact with Anders, those striking blue eyes piercing through, him straight to his heart. He smiled again, completely disarming Anders, drawing him in, making him want to help the man in any way possible. The spirit within must have sensed the immediate attraction and was now firing off an array of warnings.

Following the rogue's lead, the dwarf beside him laid down what looked like a very nasty crossbow and spread his hands out to show his intention for peace. "We are here because we heard you were a Grey Warden and might be able to help us get into the Deep Roads."

Maker's balls why would they want to go into the Deep Roads. "If the Wardens sent you, then you can piss off. I'm not going back. They made me get rid of my cat. Poor Ser Pounce-a-lot… he hated the Deep Roads just as much as did."

The young rogue smirked at him. Not in an unkind way, but with amusement. "You had cat… named Ser Pounce-a-lot, and you took him into the Deep Roads? That's incredible. Either, you're very brave or very foolish."

"Well, I think you have to be a little of both to go into the Deep Roads, but I would definitely be a fool to return there, so if that is why you are here, my answer is no," Anders said firmly. Although, he knew if this man asked him to go back he would do it in a heartbeat.

"I am part of an expedition into the Deep Roads. I'm not asking you to go, but any information you could provide could potentially save lives," the young man said.

"I will die a happy man if I never go back to the blighted Deep Roads again. Although…" Anders hesitated, his mind scrambling trying to keep him from walking out of his clinic. "What if we helped each other… a favor for favor so to speak?"

"What is the favor?"

"I came to Kirkwall to aid a friend, a fellow mage. He is a prisoner in the wretched Gallows. The templars learned of my plans to free him. I haven't heard from him in days and I'm very worried about him." Anders looked up at him pleadingly. "Please, help me get him out of there, and you shall have your maps."

"I will gladly help you free your friend."

Anders looked at him curiously; he still felt the magic around him. "Why? That wasn't the answer I was expecting. Why would risk yourself to help me?"

"My sister was a mage… I understand the oppression that has been placed on mages and I completely disagree with the Knight-Commander's treatment of them," he stated matter-of-factly.

Anders wanted to kiss him, but instead he said, "I appreciate your willingness to help. By the way, I don't think we have been formally introduced. I'm Anders."

Again he smiled that dazzling smile, "I'm Charlie… Charlie Hawke." Then he introduced the rest of the group.

"Thank you again for your help. I will meet you outside the Chantry tonight."

Charlie nodded and then headed out the door.

xxXxx

Anders rushed back into the clinic that night and let out a frustrated cry. Maker, he had just killed his lover… ex-lover… he still couldn't believe he had taken Karl's life. Charlie's eyes had been so tender, so sympathetic when he had told him that his sister had said that being made tranquil was a fate worse than death. Anders agreed with his assessment and proceeded to drive the dagger into Karl's abdomen, but the realization of what he had done had overwhelmed him and he had to get out of there.

Now, Anders paced around the clinic like a caged animal as his grief over Karl's death and the anxiety of Charlie's reaction to Justice threatened to overwhelm him. What he must think of him? Anders wouldn't be surprised if Charlie didn't show up ready to kill the abomination he assumed he was and Anders really couldn't blame him.

Charlie slid into the doorway of the clinic… alone. Anders' body tensed as the rogue studied him and slowly made his way into the clinic toward him. Charlie's eyes locked onto his and again Anders saw nothing but compassion in them. Then, in a sudden rush, Charlie raced at him and embraced him. Tentatively, Anders arms encircled him. Charlie's body was so soft and the arms holding him were so tender, not at all like a man… more like a woman's.

Charlie pulled away and said, "Anders, I'm so sorry about Karl. I know he was your friend and I'm sorry we couldn't save him before he was made tranquil. I know that taking his life was difficult and I'm sorry you had to go through that."

This was the last reaction Anders had expected, and he wasn't sure exactly how to react. "Thank you," was all he could manage to mutter.

Gently, Charlie took him by the arm and led him over to a cot to rest. They sat there together for the longest time not saying a word and Anders found that extremely comforting. Finally, Charlie said, "What happened in the Chantry… that wasn't any type of magic that I've ever seen before."

"Aaah well… you see… it's really hard to explain," Anders started.

"I think you will find me a good listener and not one to judge if you give me a chance," Charlie replied as he smiled that brilliant smile of his, completely disarming Anders.

"When I was a Grey Warden at Vigil's Keep, we came across a Spirit of Justice who was trapped outside the Fade. As we spent time together, we became friends; he understood the injustices that were done to mages and wanted to help our plight. During a battle, the body that he had inhabited had been destroyed. In order for him to survive, he needed a willing host," Anders explained.

"So you offered yourself up as its host? Doesn't that seem extreme?" Anders could tell that Charlie was trying to maintain a neutral tone.

"The Fade not only has demons, but also good spirits. Where demons look to corrupt man's sins for their own gain, Fade Spirits embody our virtues. There is the Spirit of Compassion, Fortitude and of course Justice, to name a few. When I invited him in, I thought I was helping a friend… saving a friend, but my anger over the mages plight corrupted the true nature of Justice. What you saw tonight is a distorted sense of justice. When my anger becomes too great he takes over and when that happens he is no longer my friend Justice, but a force of Vengeance."

"And you can't control him when he comes out?"

"It's like you're a passenger on a boat, you see the same things as the captain, but you lack complete control. It takes all of my strength to eventually take back control once he takes over, and then I'm forced to deal with his aftermath."

"Have the aftermaths been awful?"

Anders was silent for a long moment as he thought about the first time that Justice had taken over. It was in Ferelden, just before he boarded the ship that was to take him Kirkwall. A templar was dragging a child off to the Circle. The young boy was no older than ten, easy for a templar to control, but the man was cruel and hateful in his treatment of the young mage. Anders' anger at the injustice boiled to the breaking point, and Justice emerged for the first time. What followed, was a horrific fight and in its wake, both the templar and the young mage were dead. The guilt over the death of that boy haunted and ate at him. For that reason, Anders fought for control over the Spirit. This evening had been the first time in almost six months that he had lost control. However, this was neither the time nor place to tell Charlie about what had happened in Amaranthine.

"This was only the second time that Justice has taken control since we merged. I have worked hard to rein him in, to keep him check, but it's a struggle. I had just wanted to help a friend and now I've made a mess of everything. "

"We can't always predict the outcome of our actions. We can only make them with a true heart. Your intentions were noble, Anders. You wanted to save a friend. I understand that. It might not have been the best course of action that you took, but I do understand why you did it."

"Well, underneath that scruffy exterior, I do believe you have a bit of a soft heart too," Anders said with a grin.

Charlie raised an eyebrow and grinned back as he ran his hand over his goatee. "Scruffy?" He asked as he feigned being insulted.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't presume. I know that we just met, but I feel like I know you. Am I making you uncomfortable?"

"I'll let you know if you make me uncomfortable. Right now you're doing just fine."

Anders' heart skipped a beat, "Well, I'll keep that in mind." Anders paused, not sure if he should continue, but this man put him completely at ease, so he pressed forward. "In the Circle, everything is about order, rules and fearing the templars. The mages found ways to make that bearable by taking comfort in each other. Karl and I… he was the first. When we were together, we could forget that to the outside world, we were nothing but templar slaves. We hadn't been together for a long time, but I still cared about him… taking his life hurt more than I can comprehend."

Charlie rested his hand on Anders' knee and the warmth of his touch sent a wave of heat coursing through him. "I'm sorry Anders. No one should ever have to go through that, and to take a lover's life even if you hadn't been together in long time couldn't have been easy, but I hope that you will take comfort in the fact that you did the right thing. Karl is in a much better place."

"I do, and if I were ever made tranquil, I hope that someone would show me the same mercy," Anders said solemnly.

Charlie stood up, "I should be going. My brother worries about me… as if I can't take care of myself. I will stop by tomorrow and make sure you're alright."

Anders smiled as he stood up, "Thank you for everything you did tonight. My maps as am I, are at your beck and call."

Charlie smiled back, "Thank you, Anders. I appreciate it and I look forward to working with you."

Not nearly as much as he did, Anders thought as he watched the alluring rogue walk out the door.

*A/N - A huge thank you to Jinx1983 for working her beta magic. I appreciate it, my friend. You rock!