Yes, I'm supposed to be working my Rurouni Kenshin fic, but this has been on my computer for a while now and it was nice to work on something new. So yeah, here's a PoR oneshot from the mind of me. Watch out for the crazy...and the shattered remains of the fourth wall, I'm pretty sure I broke it in one way or another.
"What?! What?! Come on!" Boyd bellowed, throwing down the hammer he held in his hand.
"What's wrong now?" Titania asked, peering down at him from atop her horse.
Boyd waved his arms about as he looked up at her, motioning to the general in front of him, "Can you believe I've only got a thirty percent chance of hitting him?"
"Yes, yes I can, and if it bugs you that much just let Ike take care of it," she replied with a sigh.
"He can't," Boyd yelled, "he already moved over there to take out that sage that was all over Gatrie."
"Did he? Well then, just use your iron axe, he can't have that much fight left, he just took a beating from me," she said.
"I can't do that either! I broke it three turns ago, all I have is that's stupid hammer-wait, I got an idea! Just gimme yours," he said, his face lighting up at the thought.
"No Boyd, the last time I gave you an axe you let a thief steal it because you didn't bother hanging onto it," she answered.
"Oh come on, I'll trade you my hammer. Besides, Mist is like three feet behind me, he'll just walk around and waste her next turn," he pressed, holding out the hammer.
Titania rolled her eyes in resignation, "Oh fine, here."
Boyd grinned wickedly as he took the iron axe from Titania and turned to the enormous, armor clad man that stood in front of him.
"Alright, here we go you brute!" he yelled as he charged the man, swinging his axe.
The general took a slight step backwards and looked down at Boyd as he missed.
"Aw Ashera this is gonna hurt…" he muttered as the general took a step forward and thrust his lance into his abdomen.
Boyd grimaced as the steel tip skewered him before being roughly pulled out, "Fine, you want to play like that, I've got one more try, so ha!"
Boyd took another swing and smirked as the general toppled over, disappearing where he lay on the ground.
"You see that Rolfie? That's how you get it done, I'm gonna max out my strength in no time!" he beamed, flexing his bicep as he looked up at Rolf, who was piggy backed on Zihark.
"Hey, just cause Zihark had to rescue me doesn't mean you're better!" he shouted, glaring at his brother.
"Keep talkin' little man, keep talkin'" Boyd said with a shake of his head.
"Speaking of rescuing," Zihark said, "could someone take him from me next turn, it's rather hard to fight like this, I feel like I'm only half as fast as usual."
"No problem, I've got him right now," Marcia said, flying over and grabbing Rolf before setting him down on the ground behind her.
They all turned at the sound of Ike's resonating voice, "Greil Mercenaries, get ready, here they come!"
The group stood, waiting for their foes to move.
"Shinon! Help," Mist screamed, watching as a Myrmidon made a beeline for her.
Shinon waved his arm and the man and began to shout, "Hey you, with the skirt and the sword! Yeah you, come over here you Daein trash!"
The myrmidon turned to look at him, completely forgetting about Mist, and ran straight into Gatrie, who happened to be standing in front of Shinon. After watching his blade bounce of the general's armor, the swordsman watched as Gatrie leveled his lance and slammed it through his face.
"Ha, works every time," Shinon said as the man fell to the ground and disappeared.
"Yeah, but could you hide behind some else for once? I'm getting tired of fending off all the soldiers who decide they want to kill you," Gatrie said.
Shinon ignored him and turned to a group of wyvern riders across the battlefield, "Hey! Your father was a laguz and your mom's cheaper than an iron lance!"
Gatrie sighed and brought his lance to the ready as another angry horde of Daeins stormed across the field in their futile attempts to cut down the irksome sniper.
"Heh, that'll teach them to mess with us-whoa!" Shinon yelped, taking a quick step backwards as a soldier's lance plunged though his side, "How'd you get back there? Good thing I dodged that, or I'd have been screwed."
The soldier looked at him and then down at his lance, "But I just-didn't I-I swear my lance went right through you."
"You must be seeing things, I dodged that, it completely missed me," Shinon replied, raising an eyebrow.
"But I…what…no! It went right through your side! Tell me you saw that," he said, turning to the man next to him.
"Nope," the man said, shaking his head and taking a few steps back from his compatriot, "you totally whiffed that one. Have you been hitting up the feral one potion again?"
"NO! I hit him, I swear to Ashera I did, come on! I hit him, I hit him, I hit him…"
The man dropped his weapons and curled up on the ground, rocking back and forth as he continued in his rhythmic chant. Shinon just looked at Gatrie and shook his head; these Daeins were a sorry bunch.
Across the battlefield, another Daein soldier was quickly discovering troubles of his own.
"Hey boss, watch this," Mia shouted as a yellow aura emanated from her, surprising the unfortunate warrior who had decided to attack her.
Mia ran up and slashed the man across the chest, causing him to fall away like the many others who had fought with her since the battle's beginning. Ike looked away as she celebrated her victory and turned to the rest of the group.
"Let's take them down," he shouted as the last enemy soldier came to a halt.
"I got the healer," Volke said, rushing past Ike and slipping a stiletto between the man's ribs.
"Always going for the healers Volke, why don't you take on something more challenging, like that guy!" Boyd shouted, running across the battlefield to take on the solemn looking sword master who awaited them at its end.
"I don't know; why don't you tell me," Volke deadpanned as Boyd missed and ended up with a sword in his gut.
"Ah shut up," he shouted as Rhys ran up and healed him before being carried away by Jill, "You just don't have the skills to take on a boss, do you?"
"I would stop talking right now. You just got stabbed by a silver sword, twice," he countered.
Boyd's eyes narrowed, but he chose to remain silent, watching instead as Shinon took down a mage, allowing Gatrie to barrel through another enemy line.
"Okay Rolf, I want you to attack that halberdier, you'll get some good experience just by hitting him," Ike commanded, pointing to the smug lance wielding soldier that stood a few paces away from the small archer.
"Whatever you say Ike," Rolf replied as he stepped up and lifted his custom made bow, "Whoa, I feel good about this one!"
The halberdier's eyes widened as Rolf grabbed an arrow and took the time to point it skyward before notching it and taking aim. The arrow struck the man's chest and he hit the ground like a sack of bricks.
"Ha, hey Boyd, look what I got," Rolf yelled, waving around the man's discarded silver lance.
"Hey, where'd you get that?! Give it to me, you can't even use it," he said, watching the lance swing back and forth.
"Like you can? Here Rolf, trade it to me, I swiped a killer bow of a sniper a few turns back," Oscar said, turning to face a fighter after the two had exchanged weapons.
"Oscar, don't attack him, I want Zihark to take the kill," Ike ordered, "and wipe that smile off you face; we're in the middle of a fight."
Oscar looked down at him from atop his steed, "Smile, commander?"
Ike heaved a sigh, "Never mind, just go kill that feral one next turn will you? Nephenee looks like she could use some help."
"I'm on it," Oscar replied.
"That's so not fair," Boyd moaned," Jorge would've bought that for like two-thousand gold!"
"Don't you mean Daniel?" Stefan asked as he raced up and performed a back flip, running his sword along the entire length of his foe's body.
Boyd stopped and blinked, "I don't know. Either way, it would have sold for a lot."
Boyd's attention quickly turned elsewhere as Reyson came flying through their ranks, looking about as he moved.
"Oh, pick me! I need another shot at the boss," Boyd yelled, waving his axe around as the heron looked for an ideal location.
"Yes, give him another shot, maybe he'll die this time," Volke whispered to Sothe.
Sothe laughed and watched as Reyson spotted Mia and stopped at her side as he began to sing his galdr. Mia perked up and gave a whoop as she felt her energy return and charged forwards once again, plunging her sword into an unsuspecting archer.
"That'll send you to the heal hedge," she shouted, "Hey Soren, I got another one for ya'!"
The somber boy turned and looked at her from his position next to the glowing shrubbery. Next to him was a line of injured Daein soldiers, all ignoring him in their rush to stand in the healing plant.
"They do it every time," he muttered, waving his arm to summon another tornado that would extinguish the life of the soldier who was blissfully standing atop the glowing bush.
Sure enough, as soon as Ike had made the last move, the archer Mia had wounded headed straight for the heal hedge, lining up behind a warrior who looked like he would keel over at any moment. Soren sighed as Ike confronted the boss, felling him with a flurry of flipping strikes as he used his self-taught Aether skill.
"All that's left is these idiots," Soren said, continuing his monotonous work after the soldiers had pointlessly rearranged themselves to their liking around the hedge.
Ike nodded at Soren as the last Daein soldier hit the dirt and disappeared, "Good work everyone, and we're done here. Let's move back to the capitol, I think it's time to give out the bonuses."
Everyone cheered and followed him back down the road to Begnion's capitol; another day in their turn based lives had come to a close.
I love Fire Emblem, but sometimes I just have to laugh when I play it, like the notion of a character on foot rescuing someone who looks way too big to carry around. My other fics have been serious, so it was nice to poke fun at one of my favorite games. Hope you liked it, if you feel a strange urge to press a little purple 'go' button, it's in the lower left hand corner...just so you know.
Twilight Rurouni