Note: I should warn you, there's a lot of spoilers from Sabrina and The Philadelphia Story in here. Really, a lot. Also, you probably won't understand one of Blair's lines if you haven't watched My Fair Lady.

Oh, and this is a season 4 AU. That means: it's post-4x17 and I totally ignored Serena's plot and Ben and Juliet and Raina and basically all the stupid drama, and just put Serena and Nate together because of reasons. They're not really important here, anyway.

I hope you guys like it! :D

okay, miss goddess to me

She was Audrey, of course. She was waiting in the tennis court, smiling like it was the best day of her life. Soon enough David, cast as Nate, would be there and they'd have the perfect date.

Blair knew every scene and every line from Sabrina by heart since she was ten. She knew David wasn't the one who'd show at the court. She was pretending to wait for David while she was actually waiting for Linus. He was the one who mattered, anyway. He was her one and truly love. Epic, some would say.

She smiled at herself because for the last three years, Linus was Chuck in her dreams. He would show and she would pretend to be mad because she wanted to be with David, but then they'd dance and drink champagne and everything would be okay.

Not this time, though. Blair was there waiting for what seemed hours. She got tired at some point and decided to sit at the chair umpire's chair. Then she got bored and started to analyze how weird is to say 'chair umpire's chair'. That's when she sensed someone approaching and looked down to find Dan Humphrey just standing there, with that hideous plaid shirt and that stupid Muppet hair. He was looking forward, like he hadn't even acknowledged her presence yet. Blair couldn't stop her eyes from rolling on their own accord.

"You know what I don't get?", he said, didn't bothering to look at her. "Why she has to end with one or another. I mean, one guy is an ass who can't see what he's missing even though she's right in front of him. And the other is a dick, he's a total dick!"

"And those are the words of a poet", she stated, a small, ironic smile on her lips. Blair wasn't surprised by his presence there - more like annoyed, actually, but rather used to it since he had already invaded her My Fair Lady's dream two nights ago, and interrupted her photoshoot session in Funny Face just the night before. It was becoming a thing, apparently.

"But he is!", he kind of yelled in that way of his, now turning to her with his goggle eyes. "He's lying to her all the time, manipulating the whole thing for his own, selfish reasons. For the sake of his beloved company. You know what, thinking now you cast this thing very well, I'm so proud, Blair."

She rolled her eyes again, dismissed the topic - him - with one shake of her hand. "Just because you're a cynical jerk who doesn't believe in love since your precious muse ran away, it doesn't mean I have to be, too."

"And then- and then he tries and sends her away!" Dan gestured widely, dramatizing a little too much.

"He goes after her."

"Yeah, because someone practically told him to. He wouldn't do it on his own because he doesn't put her as a priority. He'll always think about his company and his reputation first."

"Where is he?", she said, deciding to ignore the whole conversation.

"I don't think he's coming this time, Blair."

She snorted. "What do you know? You were not even supposed to be here." She turned to him, eying him suspicious from her spot. "Why are you here?"

Dan shrugged. "You tell me." He grinned at her before continuous, "Maybe I could take Humphrey Bogart's place, if only for the sake of the joke."

She actually laughed at this one, looking away. "In your dreams, Humphrey."

"Well, actually, in your dreams, Waldorf."

Blair tried to argue that her dreams were only trying to imitate her life and thus he was being nosy and annoying, just like his real self. But when she turned back to him, he wasn't there anymore. Actually, there wasn't there, either. There wasn't chair umpire's chair anymore, or a tennis court, or the perspective of Chuck coming to rescue her from a meaningless relationship with a man who didn't really love her.

But there was a couch. A blue and too familiar couch and she was sitting on it now. And there was The Philadelphia Story playing on a laptop on the coffee table.

Tracy was calling Connor an intellectual snob. Blair laughed and turned her head to look to Humphrey, like she had done a few weeks ago when that was actually happening, but he wasn't there to smile back at her. She looked confuse around the room and found Dan, beer in hand, sat at one of the kitchen island stools.

Blair couldn't take the ordinariness of the scene.

"What, no sarcastic remarks this time?", she asked. He was making her uncomfortable, just sitting there, drinking his beer, saying nothing. It was like his mere presence did all the judgment, and somehow the silence was making it all worse. She couldn't argue back if he wasn't actually saying what she knew he was thinking.

Like the big asshole he was, he just shrugged and took a sip of his beer.

"Say it, Humphrey. Say that you think she should have chosen Connor and that Dexter is a terrible person and was a hateful husband, that he kept treating Tracy badly and making her feel miserable, like a porcelain doll instead of a real person", she said really quickly, barely breathing between the words. He was watching her with an expressionless face. "Just say what you're thinking, Humphrey!"

"I'm not even real, Blair. I can't think at all."

Blair snorted. Of course he'd say something like that. So obnoxious.

"Well, the real Dan Humphrey would be all judgemental and say all those things, so just do your job, you little fake wannabe Ernest Hemingway!"

At that, he turned to Blair, but there was no trace of laughter in his features. The real Dan Humphrey would be laughing and mocking her at this point. Somehow she would prefer to be mocked, now.

"Maybe he'd say something like that, Blair. But those particular thoughts, they're all yours."

That's when the real Blair woke up at five a.m. for the third time that week.

Serena was talking about something. Probably about how her teachers completely adore her or how she's so happy with Nate in their perfect little bubble of love and people giving them things just because they smiled.

Blair didn't mean to be a bitch, or ignore her best friend. She was happy about Serena and Nate, it was about time those two would realize they belonged together. It sounds tacky, she knew, but she just couldn't find another way to describe them, either. Who else would be so sweet and happy all the time, and have a silver plate just floating around with whatever they want? They really belonged together.

And she really, really wanted to have that bff's bonding time. More like needed, actually. But then, around five minutes into their conversation, Serena had to mention Dan (Blair hated the way she carried the 'a' and how she had to say his name with such fondness) and how he was acting weird the whole week and just wouldn't leave his loft no matter how many times she asked him for lunch. Blair had to bite her tongue to not to say something mean about Serena insisting so much in having lunch with her ex. She knew they were friends and that's perfectly natural to have lunch with friends, but she just felt this urge to say it. Because of Nate, of course.

Then she started to remember he had been in her dreams again last night. It wasn't a movie, this time. It was actually something very alike the Masquerade Ball they had a few years ago, but it wasn't really a memory. She was just there, standing in the middle of the room, surrounded by a bunch of people using the same red mask - Chuck's mask. But Blair couldn't tell who was whom. She couldn't even tell if one of them was Chuck or not.

Screams started to fill the room and it took her a minute to realize she was the one screaming. Asking for everyone to take their masks off so she could find him, but everybody just ignored her. She was about to cry when she felt someone right behind her.

"Maybe you're the one wearing a mask, Blair."

She couldn't see him, but Blair knew it was Dan. Then she woke up.

Serena's smile faded a little and she tilted her head, watching her carefully. Blair knew she was busted because that was Serena's thinking face and it was directed at her.

"Are you okay, Blair? You seem a little... off."

Blair shook her head. "I'm fine, Serena, just great. Tell me more about... that thing you were just telling me." She smiled brightly and thought about wearing masks.

Serena laughed like she wasn't buying any of it. "Are you sure, Blair? We can talk about you and all that greatness of yours, if you want."

Blair laughed too, trying to buy herself time for a better excuse. Luckily, you can always count on Nate Archibald to arrive at the perfect time. "Hey", he said, sounding breathless. "Sorry I'm late, I was trying to take Dan out of that loft", he said to Serena. Then, turning to Blair, "I know it's a long shot, but could you possible know what's wrong with him? He says it's nothing, but he's acting really weird since last week."

"How could I know what's been going on that hipster head of his? Maybe his problem is too much hair."

Serena and Nate laughed and Blair changed the subject.

She knocked on his door not really sure why she was there or if she should be there. He opened after a few short minutes, an annoyed expression on his face and mouth open, ready to say something. Then he saw her.

"Blair!", he said, sounding surprised. "Hey."

"Shut up." She pushed him out of the way and stormed into the loft. "And that's miss goddess to you." His chuckle, for some reason, just made her even more irritated.

"You're annoying", she started, turning on her heels to face him. "You keep waltzing into my life- no, actually, not waltzing, you just like, I don't know, you're stepping on everybody's feet while you try to waltz into my life and- Stop looking at me like I'm being funny! I'm not being funny, I'm being mad! I'm mad at you, Humphrey!" Without thinking, Blair hit him in the arm with her purse, what only made him laugh. So she hit him again.

"Okay, okay, I'm not thinking you're being funny, stop it, Blair!" With one last stroke, she stopped and crossed her arms, snorting. "You're mad at me. Care to elaborate?"

She threw her arms up and squealed in exasperation. "Because you're annoying! Can you keep up, please?" He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but she didn't let him. "And now you're being annoying in my dreams, too! I was there, minding my own business, singing in my Eliza Doolittle outfit, and suddenly you were standing there, interrupting the whole thing, talking on and on about how loverlyour kiss had been."

That's when he started laughing again. She was so frustrated at that point she hadn't bothered hitting him.

"You sing?", he asked, smiling lightly.

"In my dreams, I do. That's all you have to say?"

"I don't know, Blair!" He ran a hand through his hair and sighed, seeming less amused now. "I don't even know what you're saying. I think not even you know what you're saying", he added as an afterthought. "What do you want me to do, Waldorf?"

"I don't know! A fake you was annoying me, so I thought I should talk to the real you?" Blair knew she wasn't making any sense. Exhausted, she let her purse fall into the couch and sighed, stared at him waiting for some miraculous answer.

He shrugged. "Maybe we shouldn't be friends, then. Maybe, maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore", he said, approaching her gingerly. She noted randomly that his hair was shorter. Maybe he had finally listened to her and cut it already. It was kind of nice. "But don't you worry, Blair: we'll always have your dreams."

She let a smile out for a microsecond before she could mask it and turn into a frown. But he noticed it, she could tell. He had smile a little bigger right before she hit him again, with her bare hand this time.

"You idiot! I have a problem here, I haven't slept well in a week!"

He laughed even more. "Blair, as you must know, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm not really there, you know?"

"Well... Do... Something. I don't know! Be my friend and help me, Dan!"

Blair couldn't tell exactly what changed. Maybe it was her begging, she didn't know, but suddenly he sobered up and stared at her sorely, like it was the first time he was really seeing her since she entered the loft. Dan cleared his throat nervously. "Hm, well..."

"Well?"

"Hm, you know, we could- We could try something." His voice was low and rough and serious and it made her shiver.

"Yes?", she asked, voice weaker than she expected.

"You said something, you said I said, I mean, the fake me, you said he was talking about our kiss?"

"That it was loverly." Blair smiled a bit then. She hadn't notice what she was saying until she said it. Dan smiled too, and took a step closer.

"Yeah, well. That was the first dream, right? So, well, you know. Maybe that's where the problem is. Maybe you're, hm, thinking about what that kiss meant while you're asleep? You didn't really tell me anything, you just kind of ran away upster after, so, you know, I don't know, but maybe that's the problem. I don't know."

She looked down to her feet. Blair wasn't stupid. She knew how to read things, but she was very good at avoiding them, too.

"How-", he started, but interrupted himself with a sigh. He lifted his hand then and took some of her hair out of her shoulder, landing his fingers there, touching her coat tentatively. Blair looked up at him. "How did you feel about that kiss, Blair?"

"I don't know. How did you?"

"I don't know."

She smiled. "You're saying that a lot today."

Dan smiled back, shyly. "Yeah." And then, really quickly, "We should try again then."

"What?" She could feel her eyes widening. "You mean, the kiss?"

"Yeah."

Blair could feel his eyes locking on her mouth, and she kept telling her to not look at his, but her body was just not very obedient that night. So, when she said, in a thin a voice, "Okay", really, it was all her stubborn mouth's fault.

"Okay?", he asked, unbelieving. He seemed confused between staring at her, smiling or just kissing her. She was about to say she definitely wouldn't be the one making the move this time when he decided to choose the last one and moved his other hand to her neck.

He was getting closer and Blair felt her eyes closing slowly. That's when Dan thought it was a good time to say, "So, there's another nickname I should know about or it's just miss goddess?" She could feel his breath in her lips and couldn't help but smirk. She knew where he was going.

"No. It's miss goddess to you."

"Okay", he said, and then kissed her softly on the lips. "Miss goddess to me."