AN –for hatty, whose birthday it is today! ily xx
any characters you recognise are not mine blah blah
summery – first war thing featuring when you believe, peter, james, lily, remus and sirius.
warnings – sirius/remus, james/lily – nothing explicit
disclaimer – WHEN YOU BELIVE from THE PRINCE OF EGYPT & HARRY POTTER by JK ROWLING
Many nights we've pray
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood
The fear creeps, unwelcome, like a chilling draft. It has entered into their lifestyles, freezing them all from the comfortableness of their natural ease. It wraps around them at all times, a constant reminder of the people they have lost, and the threat to lose more. At his flat, Sirius sits alone. He is beyond boredom, but it does not have the same effect on him as it once would have.
A short knock on the door is welcomed – Sirius jumps up, pulls it open and smiles as he greets his friend. They both know why he's here, they both know that they have been waiting for this unplanned moment all night. However, neither says anything. Remus enters and they stand in silence for a moment. Sirius is watching Remus carefully, an almost expecting air about him.
"I-"
"It doesn't matter." Remus cuts him off abruptly, takes a step closer. They look at each other, thick intensity lining the room. Sirius swallows. Not here. They can't bring the fear here. Remus gently touches his jaw and Sirius smiles, the first true smile all day.
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could
Harry's smiling face makes James light up. He drops his bag at the door, leaves behind the bloodstained few hours of terror and holds him close to his body. Harry giggles, holds onto his hair and Lily comes over to him, enveloping him and their son. She does not ask what has happened, because that is not what they talk about here. Instead she carefully persuades him to come inside, to put Harry back into his cot and to sit down at the table. James smiles fondly at her and she puts a bowl of soup in front of him.
Neither of them have said anything yet, because neither of them have to. Everything that has to be said is either impossible to word or already has been. They have overcome this much, they are here, right on the brink of happiness and they refuse to have it taken away from them.
Later, they sit together, James' arm around her shoulder. They feel each other's warmth, reminding them that they are there, that they will always be there.
"I love you," James says.
"I love you," Lily echoes. She shrugs his arm off of him and turns, putting her hands around his neck and kissing him softly. It takes him a moment to react, but when he does it's with the desperation and frustration of a man who needs to know that everything will be alright.
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Peter gets in late. He closes to door to his flat quietly behind him and stands in front of it for a moment. He looks around and then walks in, dropping his keys on the table. For a few minutes he stands in the middle of the room, and then he moves, suddenly, towards the fridge. He grabs the carton of orange juice and drinks from it, all the time his eyes darting around.
Maybe it will end, he thinks. He puts the carton back and walks into his room. He pulls his shirt sleeve down over his fingers, closes a fist around it. It has to end. They threaten him, say that they will hurt his friends if he doesn't do what they want him to do. And so he does it. Maybe it will end. Maybe he will gain the courage one day to tell them to go to hell.
Peter takes off his shirt and looks at his arm, the warped, snake tattoo on it. He flinches and pulls on another shirt and then climbs into bed. He tugs the covers up near his chest and closes his eyes tight.
Maybe.
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe
All five friends meet in the dim light of the street outside the pub. Sirius and James share a weary laugh and they walk into the warmth. In a few minutes they're talking animatedly, bright smiles of the past lighting up everybody's face. Sirius slams his drink back onto the table with a roar of laughter and turns, slapping Peter, who grins, on the back. For a moment the past is captured again, and they are young, carefree and happy.
They speak of the future, of when Harry will go to Hogwarts, of a job Remus wishes to get. They speak with the knowledge of one who knows it may never happen, but they speak with the hope of one who knows it has to get better.
When they part, they revel in their happiness, in the hope that these rare moments bring to them. They return home and they think that maybe things will improve soon, that maybe everything will all be better in the morning, that everything will return to how it once was. But they wake up the next morning and everything is the same.
Easy to despair
When all you hear is fear and lies
Easy just to run and hide
Too frightened to begin
Dumbledore sits calmly at his desk while Sirius loses his temper. His face is perfectly even, his eyes soft and understanding. Sirius' voice is filled with the need to hope, filled with hatred, despair and panic.
"It's not fucking working," he says angrily. He raises his hands halfway to his head and then drops them, gripping them into fists. "It's not working," he repeats quietly. Nobody says anything. They sit in silence, Sirius and Dumbledore staring each other in the eye. Dumbledore pushes himself carefully up and addresses the entire room.
"We must stay strong." He speaks quietly. "We must-"
"My wife." James' voice is shaking. "My wife and my child are in danger. We have been picked out by some crazy woman." He looks over Lily's shoulder at Dumbledore and then bows his head into her shoulder. The room is quiet again. They all sit there, everybody reflecting on the news. Fear lines everyone faces, unsureness over who to trust.
But if we dare to dare
Don't wait for answers from the skies
Each of us can look inside
And hear this song within
Sirius and Remus say nothing. They press against each other in desperate need, a yearning for safety and the feeling of carelessness. Sirius collapses, sobs wracking his body, and Remus holds him as Sirius clings to him, desperation in everything about him. They both sit, on the floor, holding each other, both crying because it is all so unfair. This shouldn't be happening to them.
For the first time that night, Remus speaks. What he says causes Sirius to groan and to grip his shirt harder.
At the end of it all, Remus stays round Sirius' flat. He falls asleep in the bed next to Sirius, with Sirius' hot breath against his neck. He closes his eyes and he begs everything to work, just this once, to work out fine. And he begs that, for once, people will see how much he is hurting inside as well and that this will not be taken away from him, that he will not be left alone.
They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your faith
Can't see your way clear through the rain
A small but still resilient voice
Says hope is very near