What Becomes of the Broken Hearted, a gossip girl fanfic

AN: This is my epic angst-fest of Serena/Nate loving each other but never getting it together. I've never written anything this long, and I'm super nervous about it. Please please please review if you enjoy it, this is my favorite thing I've written and it would mean especially a lot to me. I don't own Gossip Girl, or Happy Ending, or the Jimmy Ruffin song I used for the title.

This is the way you left me,

I'm not pretending.

No hope, no love, no glory,

No Happy Ending.

This is the way that we love,

Like it's forever.

Then live the rest of our life,

But not together.

mika

He shows up at her door with a roll of Necco wafers, sheepish grin in place and blue eyes sparkling. Even through a peephole, he's gorgeous. At least he has the decency to look ashamed, she thinks.

"C'mon Serena, I'm really sorry."

She presses her forehead against the hard chestnut word of the door, wonders what it would be like if she left him there.

"I know you're there, S."

Her fingers grasp the doorknob and she opens the door and his smile makes his eyes crinkle around the edges. She takes the Necco wafers out of his hands and pretends to sulk around, bottom lip poking out all glossed and flirty.

He follows her, like always, and she wonders why she even bothered considering leaving him outside.

They spend more time together, with Bree being a bitch back in Texass (as they like to say) and Carter being a slave or whatever in the middle of some ocean.

Little things become habits, like when she edits his papers and he always keeps chocolate milk in his fridge for her.

Blair and Chuck have kinda sorta managed to become that couple after they make up, totally consumed in each other that there's little to no time for anyone else. Neither Serena or Nate are surprised, because their fab foursome usually breaks off into whatever pairings are possible in cycles; it just so happens to finally be their turn again.

They have movie nights once a week. Serena picks Titanic and cries into Nate's shirt as Jack and Rose reunite by the clock. Nate wipes away a few of his own tears and Serena giggles through her at him.

Nate doesn't really have a favorite. He always gives in and lets Serena pick for him.

They'll take whatever they can get; they're used to it after years of always have and never hold.

The closest they ever get is a drunken night at Nate's apartment. He's just finished his senior year midterms, and she's just quit her job that she's grown to hate, so they're both celebrating.

They get all dressed up and fancy, but never make it out the door because Serena starts serving up drinks and Nate orders in Thai and they dance around to bad techno music.

Pretty soon, Nate's doing his best Risky Business impression and Serena takes off her dress without a second thought.

Except, well except they're both practically naked and dancing around and drunk that when Nate leans in close Serena closes the small gap and everything snaps into place around her.

Nate's fingers brush against her new La Perla Cocktail Code thong and her eyes roll back as his fingers dip inside the lace.

There's gasping and moaning and ohmygod he's learned a lot since he was 15.

They finish simultaneously, always in sync, but it feels too much like the last time for him to be comfortable as she runs off claiming Blair needs her.

When she leaves, he can almost see a future follow in the footsteps of her Manolos if he squints.

Serena boards a plane to Italy.

Nate doesn't bother going after her.

It's awkward when Blair and Chuck get married and all of a sudden, Serena materializes out of thin air with Carter Baizen on her arm.

Chuck's jaw clenches and Blair scoffs at his ill tailored suit but it is Nate who punches him in his smug face when Carter's hands dip too low on Serena's back and feel a little too much of her sun-kissed skin for anyone that isn't him.

Serena picks Carter up, kisses his wounds and glares at Nate before wishing Blair and Chuck every happiness, and "I'll drop by in Venice to make up for this." Nate realizes that he is the this two seconds before she leaves with Carter's arms still wrapped around her too tightly.

They don't really say anything to each other, and maybe that's for the best.

Instead, Nate dates girls. Lots of them. Girls who are tall, short, brown-eyed, hazel-eyed, green-eyed, blue-eyed, blonde, brunette. Girls who are rich, girls who are poor, girls who are smart, and girls who are dumb. But he doesn't take any of them seriously. Until, Rain.

She's pretty, with wavy red hair and the brightest green eyes he's ever seen. Her dad owns a record studio but her mom has an appropriate amount of old money so his mother approves. She laughs loud and likes watching Knicks' game and she even drinks chocolate milk right out of the container.

Chuck appraises her with a cautious eye but eventually smirks, and even Blair likes her after Rain casually remarks about the hideousness of their waitresses' dye job on the double date.

She's not Serena, but Nate thinks she's the closest he'll ever get.

One lazy Sunday morning when the two are lying in bed, Nate plays with her hair while Rain reads the Arts & Leisure section of the times.

"Did you know I'm not a natural redhead?" and it comes out almost like a secret, trailed by girlish giggles and there's a sinking feeling in Nate's stomach.

"I'm actually blonde," and Nate's fingers feel like they've been burned so he drops the hair he'd been twisting around and mutters that he likes redheads better anyways.

He drops Rain off at her apartment, kisses her at her door like a gentleman, and goes home. He opens his door to find Serena pacing like a madwoman in his kitchen, and remembers he gave her a spare key before she ran away three years ago. Again.

"Listen Natie," she says, "I know I ran off and I know I've done it before but I think this time we could be for real-"

Nate cuts her off, steeling his eyes and taking a deep breath as he says the speech he's had prepared for weeks.

But he doesn't recite the list of grievances, just looks into her eyes and remembers what it felt like for her to walk away again.

"I just…can't," comes out with a deep, rattling breath taken between the words just and can't because he's always been a coward but it still hurts all the same.

She looks a little shocked, blue eyes big and round and threatening to spill over with tears but she doesn't go anywhere, just stands in the middle of his kitchen like she shouldn't be anywhere else. For some reason, that really pisses him off.

"Okay, I deserve that, really, but I'm so ready for us now that I think maybe we could be great. "

He looks at the original Andy Warhol on his wall instead of her when he says, "I'm seeing someone."

She breathes out an 'oh' so soft and quiet that Nate wants to reach out and grab her and pull her close but instead he jams his fists into his pockets and rocks back and forth on his heels.

Serena leaves without him asking her to, tears streaming down his face and after she leaves he almost breaks his hand punching the wall.

He doesn't change the locks or anything, just in case.

Her world implodes from then on, and Blair takes care of her more often than Serena would like to admit.

And then there's the, Rain's good for him, Serena, and I think Nate's really happy's that Blair keeps whispering into her ear in some desperate attempt to get her to move on and continue with her life. Serena leaves and goes out.

She bumps into Tripp at a bar, drinking his martini James Bond style and looking all together miserable for such a good-looking guy.

Maureen ran off with her trainer a couple years back (God it's so cliché Serena cringes just thinking about it) but he still got the seat at the Senate so he keeps himself busy.

When she sits herself down next him, his eyes widen a little at her perfect cleavage in the Armani dress but he still makes eye contact when he asks her how she's been.

Good, she says as she takes his glass away from him and finishes it. He smiles wide, and he almost looks like Nate but the thought flies away when he puts his fingers over hers on the glass.

Really good, actually, and then she smiles back.

Nate shows up to a Vanderbilt gathering in Connecticut with Rain on his arm and a ring in his pocket.

Grandfather smiles twice, once at Rain and then another conveying approval to Nate. They meet with others, and Tripp comes over with a grin on his face that Nate hasn't seen in awhile. He looks good, healthy and happy.

Just as Nate asks, Who's the girl?, Serena snakes her arm around Tripp's waist and murmurs something into his ear. The curtain of her hair covers her face and Nate feels like he's been punched in the gut.

Rain's smile tightens around the edges, obviously put off by the inappropriate display, and Nate's grip tightens around his glass of whiskey.

Serena smiles at Tripp until she sees Nate; her smile falls and she doesn't say anything. Tripp goes on about how Serena is just what he needed, how six months fly by when you're in love and Nate wonders how he hadn't already heard about this. How he didn't hear about it before they became all glowy and smiley and so obviously in love that it hurts a little to watch.

She looks at him from underneath her bangs (they're new and that's when Nate realizes it's been a long time since they've seen each other, strangely enough) and he stares at the place in between Tripp's eyes instead of meeting her gaze.

There's a gap between the two couples, and Nate wonders when Serena and he stopped being able to cross it.

The ring stays in his pocket for a while after that.

They go on a triple date once, to Gimlet, for Blair's 25th birthday. It's not as awkward as anyone thought it would be because Blair and Rain get along, and everyone already knows Tripp so Chuck raises a glass of scotch and toasts to Blair's first night out since Fitz was born a month ago.

The alcohol keeps flowing, and pretty soon Blair's bemoaning the fact that she's five years away from being thirty and wouldn't it be nice to be back in high school?

Serena chokes on her martini, swallows hard and cringes as Blair goes on and on about how Nate was the class whore, despite how hard Chuck tried.

Everyone laughs at the table, and Rain looks at Nate affectionately, before Blair takes it too far and tipsily announces, "You know, considering how many times Nate and I dated with lackluster results, I'm surprised that he never went at it with Serena after the whole, sex in a bar thing. "

Her arm gestures around, and Chuck swoops in to take away her glass away before their attendant can fill it up again.

There's a long silence, until Rain laughs and well, this is awkward before continuing with stories from Seaton Arms.

Nate relaxes, settling his arm comfortably along Rain's shoulders, and thinks he could love this girl if he hadn't been predestined (it's cheesy, he knows) for Serena and her suffocating, liberating light.

Before he gets married, Nate steps outside the compound and walks towards the makeshift football fields. If he was marrying Serena, she'd have insisted on an outdoor wedding, with gauzy white tents and sunflowers all over the place.

But he's marrying Rain, who wanted to get married in the ballroom with a lily bouquet (it's so close, he thought during the whole process, lilies are her second favorite)

He looks up from his pipe dreams to see the girl himself standing in front of him. She's a bridesmaid, ironic as it is, and the one-shouldered burgundy gown looks better on her than anyone else.

She bumps her hip against his, and slips something into the palm of his hand.

When he opens it, there's a perfectly rolled joint and he carefully picks it up. Serena lights it for him, and he takes a deep breath and lets the smoke fill his lungs.

She playfully takes it away from him, taking a hit herself and watching the smoke dissipate into the fall air.

"Hey S…."

"Hey yourself,"she says but it comes out sad and wrong so Nate frowns and takes another hit.

She leans her head onto his shoulder before walking away, crisp orange and red leaves crunching underfoot.

There's a pause when the priest asks for objections.

Nate looks at Serena.

Serena looks at the ground.

Blair and Chuck look at each other, worry etched into their faces.

Serena has to admit, that besides the fact that she's incredible in love with Nate, Tripp is perfect.

He sends her flowers just because, is always honest with her, lets her pick where they go out for dinner, and is an absolute god in bed.

He says 'I love you' first, and it doesn't sting the way she'd anticipated when she says it back. Maybe it's even a little bit true. So it's not that she's unhappy, per se.

Still, when he gets down on one knee, a perfect four-carat round cut diamond set in a platinum band, claiming love and babies and a home, Nate's face flashes in for a second.

It leaves soon enough, because Serena squeals and cries and says yes and kisses Tripp all over until they consummate the engagement on their kitchen floor.

He has a son, Nathaniel Theodore Archibald.

Rain tells Serena she wants her to be the grandmother. Nate avoids her gaze even though he can feel it all over, ignores the way she gasps and cries and nods yes.

He's not sure if it's cruel or kind, but he's leaning more towards cruel as Serena cradles Madison in the crook of her elbow and coos at the baby with blonde hair and blue eyes.

"Hi Teddy,"she murmurs into his ear while Nate watches her.

They'll call him Teddy, Nate tells Rain one day, and he ignores her protests for Nate Jr.

Their wedding is in Central Park.

Tripp makes some calls; gets her favorite section completely closed down to the public for an entire Saturday in June and white tents are pitched and 300 white chairs are set out.

Serena looks at herself in the mirror, smoothes down the bodice of her custom Oscar de la Renta tulle dress.

Blair's barking orders at someone in her champagne bridesmaid dress with Fitz perfectly balanced on her hip despite the four-inch Louboutin's and Serena wonders if she'll ever have it that together.

The door creaks open and Serena assumes it's Jenny, but when she turns around Nate's staring her straight in the face.

"I'm supposed to check on you."

"Why? Afraid I'd go all Bridezilla on Blair?"

Nate blanches, "Blair's enough of a bridezilla for the both of you right now."

They laugh, and it feels like a relief that even after all they'd been through they still could.

"Well, Tripp just wanted me to make sure you were still here."

She looks him right in the eyes and doesn't flinch when she responds with,

"Why wouldn't I be?"

And it's the most direct she's been with him since he kicked her out of his apartment (even though it really isn't direct at all), but god it feels liberating and exhilarating and maybe he'll sweep her of her feet and they'll run to a carriage and go to Paris or London or Roma or anywhere but here.

It looks like he's going to say something, his mouth even parts, but Chuck enters dramatically by throwing the entrance to the tent aside and states that people are arriving.

Chuck tells Serena she better not trip when he's walking with her, because she'd take both of them down and does she have any idea how expensive the custom made Armani is?

Everyone laughs, and Nate leaves with Chuck.

Serena puts on another coat of mascara, and then she gets married.

Tripp's in DC for the weekend and Rain took Teddy over to her parents for the weekend.

Nate knocks on Serena's door and when she answers it she looks stunning.

"Nate? What are you doing here?"

And it's like everything whooshes out of him before he can stop it.

"This isn't where I'm supposed to be in my life, S. I'm not supposed to be my dad. I'm supposed to happy and in love and….and I just miss you so much. What the hell happened to us? I want to fix it. "

He reaches out towards her, to touch her like she used to but she cringes when he gets too close.

"I'm pregnant."

They stand there looking at each other until Nate whispers congratulations and turns briskly on his heels to leave.

She has a daughter, Sloane Erica Vanderbilt.

She's the most perfect thing she's ever seen, but even then her gaze drifts away from her when Nate walks into the room. Tripp beams up towards him, proudly rattling off Sloane's statistics while Rain coos at the beautiful baby.

Nate's stare drifts between Serena, Tripp, and Gryffin like he can't believe she actually had a family without him and Serena watches the whole thing with a knot in her stomach.

Tripp mentions that they want Nate and Rain to be the godparents and Nate closes his eyes really tight for no more than three seconds before opening them and grinning, enthusiasm all over the place, begging to hold his favorite godson.

Serena suddenly feels sick; she turns over and feigns exhaustion before she can see her daughter placed in Nate's arms.

There are plenty more bundles of joy to come.

Evan Griffin Archibald and Madeleine Anne Archibald are evenly spaced out with two years, and Nate loves them all more than anyone in the world.

Serena has Rhys Charles Vanderbilt and Avery Blair Vanderbilt. She's loves being a mom and wouldn't give it up for anything.

But with each new child, the possibility of something epic gets smaller and smaller.

Sometimes, when Tripp kisses her just the right way or when the kids look especially like just Tripp and Serena (one days when their blue eyes don't match Nate's), Serena thinks it was never really there to begin with.

Every Christmas, the entire Vanderbilt clan goes up to the estate in Connecticut and has an over the top, glamorous, formal Christmas dinner.

Tripp loves it; he's been the head of the clan every since Grandfather died and he shows off his perfect public speaking skills when he gives the Christmas toast.

Rain loves it; she loves formality and traditions the same way Blair does, loves dressing up her kids in matching velvet outfits and the jealousy that flashes through everyone else's eyes when they see her looking beautiful.

Nate and Serena both hate it. They sneak off into corners with flutes of champagne to talk and no vicious rumors are spread, unlike when they were young.

She's dressed in vintage red Chanel and his tie matches the exact hue of the dress; they laugh about it and make fun of the other grown-ups who take themselves too seriously and manage to feel like teenagers again.

Tripp glides over, tenderly kissing the top of Serena's forehead.

"Darling," he murmurs, low and velvety, "you're standing underneath the mistletoe with another man. Should I be worried?'

And when they look up it's dangling over their heads like some kind of warning. Everyone laughs, and when Tripp gets pulled away by Rhys and Evan, Nate and Serena keep talking.

His arm brushes against hers, and Nate leans in close to peck her on the lips in a socially acceptable manner.

"Mistletoe, you know."

She walks away; he watches.

It's nothing new.

One Saturday morning before the kids are out of their cuddly phase, Teddy, Owen, and Maddie all climb in the California king-sized bed in the master bedroom.

They come running in all at once; little feet and little hands and little kisses all over the place.

Rain laughs loud like he's always loved, red hair in a messy bun, skin tanned against the white of his button down, and green eyes sparkling as she tickles Owen and Teddy into hysterics.

Maddie snuggles up tight against him, saying "I love you Daddy" with the conviction only a three year old can have.

He's so happy that he doesn't want his life to be any different than it is in this moment.

The years fly by and the kids grow old.

Endless Christmases, birthdays, soccer games, plays, and graduations slip through their fingers until before they know it there are wrinkles in places that weren't there before.

They start doing monthly dinners because Fitz and Sloane are dating but also because the second Bass, Audrey, had started dating Vanessa Abrams' son and Blair thought that she needed to be around more of 'her people'. Serena looks into a mirror, and with her teenage children running around, suddenly feels so old.

Blair dealt with this feeling by getting a face-lift, Chuck bought an island, Nate started playing pick-up games of soccer again in the park.

She's not really sure what her coping mechanism'll be; things usually fall into her lap so she's not worried about it.

Nate walks in the door, kisses Blair on the cheek and hugs both Tripp and Chuck.

"Serena, stunning as always," murmured into her ear with his hand in the small of her back as he kisses her cheek.

Guess she's found it.

Sloane Erica Archibald marries Fitzhugh Bartholomew Bass in the most anticipated wedding of the season on June 24, 2040.

However, hardly anyone is there.

He's four years older than her, running his own division of Bass Industries even more successfully than his father who more or less refuses to retire.

He's the spitting image of Chuck, but acts exactly like Blair, and Serena couldn't be happier for her daughter.

Sloane is a free spirit, too much like Serena to want anything too formal or over-the-top, and insists they get married on their private section of beach in the Hamptons as the sun sets. There are only about fifty guests and despite Blair's moanings about the whole thing, Serena thinks it's the most perfect wedding possible.

Hers was beautiful, but kind of a circus. That's what she gets for marrying a senator.

She thinks this would be the kind of wedding she'd have if she had married Nate.

Tripp declares he's running for President at a press conference with Serena dutifully standing by his side.

Nate watches from his penthouse and turns it off before he has to look at Serena's face for any longer.

Tripp wins.

"We're moving to DC, you know."

Despite the fact that she's now in her fifties, Serena still makes him feel like he's eighteen. That is, socially awkward and unsure about how to interact with her.

"Yeah Serena, I know."

"I just wanted to tell you officially, so if there's anything that you wanted to say…"

The question hangs in the air, as it always will, because they don't say their feelings out loud. They take what's not theirs to take and lust from afar and flirt but they never acknowledge that it's actually there.

"Well I already said congratulations."

The words come out kind of harsh, and he cringes when he hears them out loud.

"Well fine."

There it is, stubborn, fiery, pain in the ass, teenage Serena.

She turns on her heel and walks out the door.

He doesn't go after her.

They say things get easier with time; watching her leave will never be one of them.