Was I really about to do this?
I'd asked myself this question thousands of times today. It had been rushing through my head when I woke up in the morning, when I was putting on my bridesmaid dress, as I walked down the aisle and stepped to the side, when Emily emerged from the large, wooden doors in a white gown and smiled at Sam, when Sam said "I do," when Mrs. Newton handed me the item I had just purchased at her store, and, of course, during the drive here. But I knew I had to do this. I couldn't take the pain, the suffering, the hatred anymore.
I'd been fighting against this option since the day Sam left me. I told myself I had to keep going, no matter how hard it would be. I could only pray that things would be better after I was gone. Sam and Emily might be able to continue without having my presence bring them guilt. Seth might be able to be happier without my constant insults and putting him down. My mom might be able to go on with her life; she might be able to date and find someone who could fill the hole my dad's loss left without having to worry about me throwing a tantrum.
I drove my car through the darkness of the forest. Even with my enhanced vision, I could barely make out the path I was taking. I just hoped it would lead me to where I simply needed to go.
My car crashed into something. A tree trunk, probably. I groaned out loud. What was the point of keeping silent? There was no one out here to hear me. I got out of the car and slammed the door behind me, hearing the sound echo through the trees. I groaned again. The car had too much damage to keep running, even if I pushed it clear of the tree trunk. There was only one choice now. I had to run.
I kicked my shoes off, got a good grip on the plastic Newton's bag in my hands, and pushed my legs as fast as they could go. Every second, I seemed to go quicker. The rocks and broken glass on the forest floor cut my feet, but I didn't stop. I thought about phasing, but then I would be going too fast. I wanted to get to my destination, but I needed time to think things over. I wanted to be in control of what parts of my life flashed in front of my eyes.
I screamed as my foot got caught in something and I tumbled to the ground. I bit my lip so hard; I tasted blood in my mouth. I looked down at my foot. A bear trap?! Why the hell was there a bear trap in the woods?! And on the Reservation, nonetheless! Wasn't it illegal to try to catch animals here? Ugh. No matter. I pried the trap open with my hands until it snapped in two. My ankle was bleeding and it stung, but I stood up and continued to run.
Up ahead of me, I saw it. It was a circular clearing, the most familiar place in the world. It was completely empty aside from a large weeping willow, the only one of its kind on the entire Reservation. I had to do this here. It was the only place that would make sense.
"Now, Lee-lee, I am not going to let you look," Sam said. His hand was placed over my eyes and he was leading me through what smelled like the forest.
"Sam," I whined. "Come now, let me see!"
"Not yet," he said. I knew a smirk was probably painted on his face.
"All right," he said after a while. "We're here."
His hand floated slowly away from my eyes and I blinked a few times to adjust my eyes to the light after having them closed for so long. In front of me was a beautiful weeping willow tree. The way the light was hitting it made it look like it was sparkling.
"Oh my gosh," I whispered. "It's amazing, Sam."
"Not as amazing as you, of course," he said.
"Oh, Sam," I sighed. He pulled me close and planted a soft, passionate kiss on my lips. I couldn't believe how much I loved him. The feeling I had when he was near was amazing. It was a sensation I couldn't imagine ever feeling with another person.
"Leah," he said quietly. "There's something I need to tell you."
He took my hand and pulled me down to sit on a rock that was shaded by the tree. My heart's beats blundered.
"Leah Clearwater, I want you to know that I have never felt this way about anyone. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Leah, I'm in love with you."
My eyes filled to the brim with tears of joy and love. They spilled over onto my cheeks as I threw my arms around Sam, the man I would always love.
"I love you," I whispered to him. "More than I can say."
Thunder cracked over our heads and I laughed as the rain started pouring all over us.
"Let's get you out of here," he said. I took his hand. I would go anywhere with him.
Tears were threatening to spill over as I remembered this. A loud sob escaped my throat and I bit down on my tongue. I swore to myself that I would never cry another tear for Sam Uley. If it was up to me, I'd never see him again. And since it was up to me, I would never see him again. Not after tonight, I wouldn't.
I would never forgive Sam for all the pain he caused me. I knew it wasn't his fault, he couldn't help it, but that didn't excuse what he did to me, not in my book, it didn't. I'd gone for too long living like I wasn't alive. I had to do something about it.
Life wasn't getting any better, I could be sure of that. I would never go on with my life. Jacob would have to find a new beta for his pack because this wolf wouldn't be around to play the part for much longer. I'd been sitting on this cold, hard stone for much too long now. I stared at the bag in my hands with the large, orange, tacky logo reading "Newton's Olympic Outfitters." I had to do it now. Now or never, Leah, I said to myself. Now or never.
Lighting cracked and thunder rolled over my head. If it started raining, I swore I would scream. This place was already enough of a reminder of that night, I didn't need the scenario to be exact.
"Leah," I groaned to myself. "Why did you have to choose your living hell for this? Why?"
I reached into the plastic bag. With my teeth, I ripped the wire that bound the rope together. I held on to one end of the rope as I threw the other over a branch. The rain was pouring by now, causing my bridesmaid dress to stick to my skin and some mud to splatter the hem. Like it mattered. Soon, I wouldn't need it. I caught the other end of the rope as it flew over the branch. With shaking fingers, I tied it into a noose.
I stared into the loop. Was I really about to do this? Yes, yes I was. I had to. This was my only choice for sanity. I did not want to face Emily or Sam ever again. Why? Because I despised them. I despised the man I still loved, I despised the cousin I'd loved like a sister my entire life. I hated them more than anything and anyone else. I hated them for driving me to this. Most would say I drove myself to this, but I knew better. If it hadn't been for them, I would not be here under this tree with a noose in my hands. This was all their fault!
With one arm, I grasped the branch and pulled my body up. For the first time in my life, I was grateful for being a werewolf. With the other hand, I brought the noose down over my neck. The second the rope touched my neck, my eyes became wide and my mouth dropped open.
What the hell was I doing?! I could not do this to myself! I kept telling myself that death had been the answer to my problems, but was it, really? No, I didn't believe it was. But did I want to go back and continue living like that? Maybe I could go back and live the life I had before Sam came into my life. Did I have the strength, though, to go back? To hit the rewind button and forget everything that has happened to me?
I looked up at the only thing that was keeping me from death. My arm wasn't even quivering, despite the weight I was forcing it to hold up. I looked back on that day, on the wedding. Had I really felt so bitter toward Emily that I hadn't been the least bit happy for her?
"All right, Lee," Emily said as she fluffed my hair. "Are you ready?"
How much I wanted to punch her in the face. "Ready," I said through clenched teeth.
"Thanks for doing this," she said, hugging me. I felt her tears on my neck as she squeezed me close to her. "I know how much this must cost you, Leah." I suppressed a scoff. She hadn't the slightest clue how much pain this was causing me.
"Leah," my mom called from the large church doors. "You're on."
Emily handed me a small bouquet of flowers. I bit my lip to keep tears of fury from overflowing. Seeing Emily like this—white gown, long veil, bridal bouquet, tears streaming down her face, her mouth spread into a large smile—made me want to stab her. I squeezed the flowers in my hand so tight, it made my knuckles turn red.
Facing toward the door, I took a deep breath to try and calm myself. It only made it worse. Tears managed to escape my eyes and I bit my tongue. I would not cry, I would not cry!
The large double doors opened and the crowd turned to look at me. I heard whispers from my familiar family members. All were saying how endearing it was for me to be crying of joy. The wolf pack, however, knew the real reason for my tears. Their faces were grim as they caught sight of me.
"Try and smile, Leah," Seth whispered as I walked by him. It took all I had to not turn around and punch him in the face. I heard admiring sighs as Emily emerged from the doors. I scowled.
"How beautiful she looks!" I head my aunt, Catherine, sigh. "My beautiful daughter."
I made my way over to my designated spot. I stood there with my head held high and my face composed into an emotionless mask as Emily and Sam repeated after the minister.
"I do," Emily sang when it was her turn.
"I do," Sam vowed seconds later.
The second they were pronounced husband and wife, I could've sworn I'd been stabbed.
No, I hadn't felt at all happy for my dear cousin. How could I do this? What kind of selfish monster was I? I started weeping like a baby. The pain and sorrow was too much for me to handle. I couldn't do this to myself. I just couldn't. I told myself that Emily and Sam wouldn't have the guilt staring them in the face anymore if I died, but I noticed then that the guilt would be worse than ever. I looked up at my arm. It was shaking uncontrollably. It couldn't take my weight much longer. But before I could pull free of the noose…
My hand slipped.
Author's Note: -claps- I love all the amazing reviews I have gotten for Never Cry Another Tear. Thank you all so very much! You guys make me feel so special! -beams- Love you all!