Another day had come and gone. It had been three months since Spock had been resurrected using fal tor pan, but Spock had not started acting like himself. His dark, beautiful eyes remained blank.
Everyday that passed where 'his' Spock did not regain his memory broke Jim's heart. Spock's warm body was not beside him when Jim woke with a nightmare of his son's death.
In the hope of regaining Spock's memory and resuming his previous life, Jim allowed Spock to accompany the crew back to Earth for the trial. The crew had to face their charges; they could no longer hide of Vulcan.
"My father says you came back for me… Why would you do this?" Spock would not have asked that question. The Spock he loved had a sense of duty and would have done the same thing for Jim. Spock gave his life for those he… cared for; the 'Old' Spock saved them all. He would have known that Jim would come back for his T'hy'la.
Will he ever be the same? The first night they were on the H. M. S. Bounty the same heartbreaking questions were circling his mind. Jim was sitting at his new desk and trying to find evidence that would clear the names of the enterprise crew, but Jim could only focus on his beloved. Will he ever bicker with McCoy like they were children? Will he ever be able to reciprocate the love that I feel for him?
"Captain," he heard the all too familiar voice calling to him.
Kirk was startled; Spock was standing in the doorway in the middle of the night. Jim almost jumped out of his chair to wrap his love in an embrace, but he knew Spock was not ready. Spock looked puzzled and confused, in a logical way of course.
"You may enter Spock. Is something troubling you?"
"Indeed, Captain. There is."
"You don't have to call me 'Captain.' Anyway, what seems to troubling you?"
"Ca- Jim…" Spock seemed to debate on what to say. "Thank you for allowing me back on the ship."
"Spock something tells me you did not come to my room at midnight to thank me. There must be something else." Jim was implying something of a different nature. Spock did not arch his eyebrow like he normally would; he did not even seem to notice at all.
Spock replied in a flat voice, "Captain… Jim, was there ever anything… between us?" There was no emotion; he might as well have been asking a simple logarithm.
"Yes, yes there was," Jim almost sighed.
"Oh. Thank you Captain. This information is most helpful."
Spock turned on his hells and was gone as quickly as he had come. This was a step in the right direction.
A few minutes later, there was someone at his door. Jim hastily stood up from his chair to greet his guest.
"Captain… Are you awake?" McCoy's voice was not the voice he was expecting to hear, but it was not unwelcome. McCoy always knew when Kirk needed someone to talk to; it was almost like a sixth sense of his.
"I am awake. You may enter."
Leonard walked in with his easy gait. "Jim, I just came to check up on you. How are you?"
"This Klingon ship is going to drive me crazy; otherwise, I am fine."
"Bull. Permission to speak freely?
A little late for that don't you think? Kirk could feel a slight grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Don't you always?"
"Jim you have been through a lot recently: you lost your love, and in the process of saving him, you lost your only son. I just want you to know that I am here as your doctor and as your friend."
"McCoy. I'm just-"What was he? Was he alone, terrified, relieved, happy, or a combination. "There is no single word to describe how I currently feel. I am grieving over my son. I have caused my crew to face persecution for my actions. I am worried Spock will never be the same, but I am happy to have him back. What if he never remembers us, what we have been through, and the strength of our love?" Jim could feel his eyes beginning to water, so he placed his face in his hands.
"Spock will return to you. You have been though hell to get him. Just believe and have a little faith. Spock just needs a little time." Bone's Georgian speech was soothing Kirk's mind, but something was still troubling him.
"How much time Bones; a week, a year, or a century?" This question had been haunting the captain for months.
"Jim I cannot answer that. But if you think about it, you would spend the rest of your life waiting on that green-blooded Vulcan of yours. Now I'm going to return to my wretched quarters. Something tells me we have many long days ahead of us." Oh…and Jim."
"Yes Leonard."
"You did not force us to go back for Spock. We would have done it no matter the outcome or consequences. Goodnight."
That night Jim's head was a swirl of memories and conflicting emotions. Jim woke several times with nightmares involving his love and a wall of glass.
That night Spock was having difficulty finding sleep as well. His mind was asking questions he did not know the answers to; such as, what was the exact nature of Jim's and my relationship? and how do you feel?
Nothing was making sense. How does the need of the one ever outweigh the needs of the many? Why would these humans risk their careers and their lives for me?
Spock laid awake for hours trying to find answers to his ever growing list of questions. Spock fell asleep trying to understand why humans acted the way they did. Spock had a dream involving his death and a barrier of glass.
As McCoy walked back to his room, he knew that the love between his two best friends would be enough. They had beaten the odds every time, why would this time be any different? If people are truly, madly, deeply in love with each other, they will find a way. Of course, these could just be the ramblings of an old man.
Kirk awoke early the next morning. With nothing else to do, he took a walk around the ship. It really was a dreadful thing; it was a Klingon ship after all. He wandered from room to room. He needs answers to questions that no one had the answers to.
Uhura walked up behind Kirk and started intently examining the wall that Kirk had been staring at for the past five minutes.
"This is a very interesting wall, but I don't think it has any of the answers you are look for."
Kirk chuckled, "Since when have I had such wise crewmates. You are all full of words of wisdom. I don't understand."
"Jim, when you have been working with the same people as long as we have, you tend to know what the other is thinking. We all know that you are going though a hard time. Sometimes we just forget that you are human, too."
I don't know what to say to that. Her words mean a lot to me.
"He will get better. Just you wait and see. I have faith in him."
"But when will he get better. Will he ever truly be mine again?" Kirk tried to keep the desperation out of his voice. It hurt so much.
"I don't know when, but I know he will. That is all you need. You just have to hold on to that and have a little faith that love will bring him back to you."
Kirk walked to the bridge for his shift pondering what Uhura and McCoy said. Were they right? Could Spock come back to him?
Spock was at his post. Spock looked like he had had trouble sleeping as well. For the first hour of their shift Spock kept shooting Kirk questioning looks. Kirk was wondering what could make Spock look at him this much when Spock walked over to Kirk.
"Captain, may I have a private conversation with you?"
Another conversation? This was turning out to be an eventful day.
They walked out of the bridge into the elevator. As it was descending Spock stopped it.
"Captain, I am very confused. I have these feelings that I do not understand and I do not know the reasons why I have them. I want to do things that would be very intimate with you. I do not know what I feel. I need you to explain things to me."
"It started in our first five year mission. You were going through pon far. You seemed fine when we left Vulcan, but the urges soon overcame you again.
"I am afraid that that does not explain anything."
You stumbled to my room. That is where it all started. You told me that you had feelings for me and that you needed my help; if I didn't help you, then you would die. I agreed to it. You bonded us and we had sex. I did the thing that I had always wanted to do: I had sex with you. We were happy. You told me that we should keep it a secret; it would not be right for the Captain and his Second Officer to be together. We hid it for a very long time, but the crew eventually found out. We went to Vulcan and had an official ceremony that mixed Vulcan and human customs. We had been living our lives happily together when you died to save us all. It broke my heart. When I found out that I could save you, I decided I would do everything in my power to get you back. Does that help?"
Spock seemed to ponder this a moment before he responded, "Yes it does. Do you mind if I try something?"
Kirk shook his head to indicate that he did not care. Spock leaned down and kisses Kirk. It was an innocent kiss in the beginning, but Spock apparently liked what he found. He kissed Jim deeper and allowed Jim access with his tongue.
Instinct began to take over. Spock pushed Kirk up against the elevator wall. Kirk moaned Spock's name into his ear.
"I fear that I have conflicting emotions."
"I think I know what you want," Kirk says as he felt Spock's erection against his inner thigh.
Kirk turned Spock around so that he was pinned against the wall. Spock gave a small cry of pleasure at this change of position. Kirk waited until Spock gave the go-ahead. Kirk did not want to scare him away now.
Kirk gently took off Spock's shirt and threw it on the floor as Spock took off Kirk's shirt. Kirk grabbed one of Spock's hands and ran his tongue along his thumb. Spock dug his fingernails into Kirk's back. Kirk than moved to Spock's middle finger. Kirk took Spock's long finger into his mouth and stroking motions with Spock's hand.
Spock started freeing Jim's pants with his free hand. Jim could see the frustration in Spock's eyes so he gave him his hand back. They both started taking the other one's pants off. Spock had Kirk's pants and underwear off first then he helped take his own off.
Spock grabbed Jim's penis and started slowly stroking it along the shaft. Spock liked the noises he made his bondmate emit. Jim grabbed Spock's sensitive hand and started following Spock's rhythm.
Spock knew that he wouldn't be able to last much longer. He moved so that Kirk was the one against the wall. As they moved Kirk caught Spock's ear in his mouth. Spock said in a husky voice, "I want to be inside of you, Jim." Kirk turned around obediently but not before giving Spock a quick kiss.
Spock eased into Jim so that he would not him. Jim gave a small cry as he took all of Spock into him. Spock waited patiently until Jim gave him a quick nod. Spock started out with slow, deep strokes. Jim groaned, "Harder, Spock. I need you. Harder."
Spock obliged. His strokes made Jim rise slightly into the air every time. The mix of pain and pleasure were pushing Jim towards the edge.
Spock came first. His moans of ecstasy pushed Jim over the edge. They rode the waves of their orgasms together. They both collapsed onto the floor with Spock still inside of Kirk. They both lay there panting while waiting to regain their composure.
"I love you, Spock. I need you to know that. I always have and I will wait for you to be able to reciprocate my feelings. I'm sorry if I pushed you to do something before you were ready."
"No. I don't have of our memories together, but I feel everything I felt for you before I died. I did it of my own accord. I want to get back to my normal life as soon as possible. I want to be with you."
Kirk almost lost it there. It may not be his Spock, but it was close. He could begin to pick up the pieces of his shattered life.
Kirk smiled at Spock as he slyly said, "Do you think they would mind if we took the day off?"
Spock seemed to weigh the options until realization dawned on him. "No. I don't think that they would," he said almost slyly.
Things would be back to the way they were. Jim just had to have a little faith.