Dear Harry,
First off, you should probably know that words aren't my strong point. Words, serious emotions, tact... none of those really compute with me. So if at any point your find yourself not entirely sure what I'm trying to say or if all you can think is 'What the fuck?' just keep in mind that I'm not good with words. I suppose if I really tired I could tap into all those bloody boring lessons my mother used to force me through. I could write in the strictest, most concise manner possible using all those seven syllable words I've had drilled into my head. I am after all, a powerful 'pureblood heir and should act as such'. For your personal reference, you should know that I imagined my mother with her thin lips curled and a foul look on her face saying that. You should probably imagine the same for full impact. Or if you happen to be at the house of doom and darkness, just ask her portrait. She'll probably scream at you but it'd be funny either way. But uh- back on subject. I could, but that's not me and we both know it so instead you getta deal with me in all my confusing, wordy, emotionally stunted, mature as a ten year old boy glory.
To tell the truth I'm not entirely sure what I want to say to you or how to say it. I'm not sure why I'm even writing this when I can literally see you from here, lounging about like a pleased cat in the living room. It's... kinda nice, having all these people here in this house. This place has never been alive, even in the height of my family's power. There's always been an air, a feeling of dread in this fucking place that just... never allowed anyone to actually live here. But now this old prison is filled with people who are frankly too stupid or too stubborn to be dissuaded from simply living by something as stupid as the air. And now this is an actual living room and... and I'm glad I get to see it.
But that isn't why I'm writing this. I can't begin to describe how much it hurts my manly pride to say this but... well I guess I'm writing this because I'm scared. Of you. I...I adore you and care for you and...and love you more than I could ever possibly convey. More than I have any right to. And it terrifies me. You hold so much power over me, more than I've ever allowed anyone to have before. Not even your father had this much pull with me. I'm afraid of telling you what I should because of how much you mean to me. I'm terrified that you'll come to your senses and ditch me like a first year Hufflepuff. Would you lash out physically? I could never raise a hand to you if you did and even if you didn't. But, I can't see you doing that. Would you abandon me? Curse my name and speak foul things of me? My dear, sweet, gentle, shy Harry. You'd never purposefully hurt me and I know it. And it scares me more than anything else. You put so much trust in me. I could destroy you and yet you still remain. All I can think about is how much I could fuck this up. How easily I could break your heart.
I know I've already hurt you in the past and I'll always hate myself for it. That place... that cold cell with the dark guards who just loved to hang around. I can't even write the name of that...place down. Talk about pathetic, eh? That place messed me up and I'll be the first and frankly probably the only (other than Snape, bloody shit-faced git) willing to admit it. When I first escaped I couldn't see you and I didn't really try to. You looked so much like James to me that in my mind you were James. He'd never died and neither had I and we still together in school causing trouble and trying to convince your mother to give James a chance. You played the part horribly. And that's what woke me up. You aren't James. You don't laugh so loudly that Remus winces, you don't crinkle your nose when you're angry, I can't remember a single time you've misplaced your glasses... you just aren't him. You're nothing like him and I feel stupid for ever confusing you for him. Because truthfully, you are nothing like James.
More than anything, I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that you have to put up with me as a fucked up never really there father type figure. I'm sorry that I'm acting for James. I'm sorry that I have too. I don't think I'll ever be able to stop blaming myself for that. It was... is my fault. I suggested using Petey instead. I insisted. Because I was afraid I would be too weak and I let my fear get the better of me. All things considered, maybe I would've been. I'm so easily overcome by my own emotions, I make myself doubt well... myself with almost no effort, how hard could it be for someone else to do the same? You can make me doubt myself with just a glance.
It isn't fair that you are left to deal with me as a father and mother... actually. No. I'm not the motherly type. I can teach you how to play sports and cause trouble with the best of them, but when it comes to doing... mom things, like dealing with crushes and making sure you have more emotional depth than a teaspoon I fall a tad short. I guess Remmy's your mom? That'd be my best guess although if you ever dare let him read this or insinuate in anyway that I made a joke or statement marking him as feminine in any way I may be forced to curse your hair green or something. That's actually how we knew that Lily was the one for your father, even before he knew. She cursed his head to look like a carrot for calling her carrot top and me, Remmy, and Petey... Pettigrew, we all knew she was the one even as James cursed and not so subtly said some not so nice things about her.
I...I'm sorry because in my darkest moments, when all I can think of to keep me from taking that terrible taboo leap into the great beyond is you and your gentle smile I... I feel glad in the back of my mind that you weren't raised by Lily and James. It's terrible and I don't know why I'm writing this to you and I don't think I'll have the courage to ever actually send this letter to you, but I'm glad because if you had been raised by them you wouldn't be you. You wouldn't be quiet or shy because James simply couldn't stand for that in a child. You wouldn't know how to cook or how to take care of someone when they needed it because Lily would take care of that for you. You wouldn't be you and while I'd never know what I was missing I can't help but think, when you hold me close in a tight hug that says 'I don't want to leave' and I squeeze you back to say 'I don't want you to either' that I'm glad you are you. Because you are amazing and I've never loved anyone as much as I love you and I never will again because a person only deserves someone like you once in their lifetime- if they're lucky- and I could never love anyone short of you as much. You are my everything Harry and I'm sorry for putting so much on you, for placing you as the sun in my fucked up word, for being too selfish to let you go. I'm so sorry and maybe one day, after you come to your senses and realize that you need to ditch this old dog before it's too late and I waste away like a poorly made sand structure of myself in the harsh winds without you there to hold me up, you'll read this and you'll shake your head. You'll say something like 'Crazy old bastard' and feel violated to know a crazy old guy like me loved you so much. My spirit will curse you, I'll become a poltergeist that will pull down your pants every Tuesday just because I can, and I'll die... um again, happy just because I get to see you grow old. But until then I'll continue to silently plead forgiveness, all the while hoping you never grant it because I don't deserve it and I don't deserve you. I'm a greedy codger though, so for as long as you allow me I'll hold onto you like the treasure you are.
Now, if you'll excuse me I've been invited to play a game of chess with you and I can't pass up the chance to break out your mother's old set that she taught to curse in Finnish. Nothing's funnier than that initial look of confused horror when a chess piece screams 'Perkele!'.
Love,
Sirius
A.N:
OMG I'm alive. And writing. Yes. I'm currently in the process of reworking a couple of existing things that haven't been posted yet that I should've forever ago (final chapter of Screwed anyone?). I guess I just needed the right push and then today I got a review on Dear Sirius asking for a companion piece called Dear Harry... I have no idea why but that just kicked me into gear and suddenly I had all kinds of ideas for like everything! So, I'm working working working and hope to have everything up to date by this time next week!
In other news~ I'm a bad bad author and I'm sorry. I adore you all my doubiously faithful, your faith shall be rewarded. :3 Anywho- life's complicated but whatever, I don't care cuse I'm going to the ball~ :D my local con has this annual formal cosplay ball and I'm more excited for it this year than I am christmas. Lol. Can't wait ~ I'm pulling out this gorgeous sandplay of the singing dragon Luka cosplay and I adore my Miku and yus - excited. I'm in an amazing mood because I'm writing again! Anywho - review please because reviews are mana from the fanfiction gods.