WHY ELVES SHOULDN'T BE P.E TEACHERS
DISCLAMER: I do not own Legolas.... Not that I want to anyways, I don't even own some of the jokes in here, but I do like to think that I own myself, my classmates and the teachers mentioned in this story.
VERY IMPORTANT A/N PLEASE READ!!!
This story was originally written for my school magazine, (about 2 years ago) so some of the jokes might not be understandable.
Some words and sentences are in BAHASA MALAYSIA, don't worry...I know what to do.
If you don't like the way Legolas is portrayed in this thing...its not my prob, I make fun of characters all the time....nothing personal dude.
And the names of teachers have been changed slightly....I'm not sure why.
THANKS
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It all started on a not-so-normal-ordinary-day in school during Geography class. We were all blinking lifelessly at the teacher, who in turn was speaking words, which flowed smoothly through the almost empty passage between our ears.
She too, was staring at us. Well actually she was staring at the wall behind us. Occasionally, she would ask it if it understood her. Like us, it was totally dumbfounded. One by one we fell into the clutches of boredom, me being one of the first.
Suddenly some 'thing', or as her minions would call her the Pengetua (headmistress)entered (Darth Vader theme song plays). " Freeze, half-lings! I'm blind and I have no limbs", said the Pengetua. "Yes you do, you're walking and holding a stick", said the all-knowing Geo teacher, inching away slowly from the Pengetua as if she was diseased.
"How should I know, I'm blind!" exclaimed the Pengetua. One quick slap from the Geo teacher and the Pengetua was back to 'normal'.
Embarrassed, the Pengetua cleared her throat and said, "What I meant to say was, Anirafays your PJ (same thing as P.E) teacher has been temporarily disposed off. Well actually, she's stranded on a deserted island with only expired lip balm and a rabid monkey for company. Then, the rabid monkey got bored and bit her repeatedly in parts I dare not mention, she got a bad infection. After the tragic incident with the miniature primate, hunger struck her digestive organs so she ate the expired lip balm, and ended up with Diarrhea. If she comes back, please do not treat her differently as she will never be the same again." "But how do you know all this, you said she's not back yet", someone in class spoke up. The Pengetua glared at the boy, who in turn rolled his eyes and sighed. "Silence inferior being!" she shouted, toppled over and got back up. "Some questions are just not meant to be asked. But since you're all so curious to know, I'll tell you", she continued.
The Geo teacher slapped her forehead and then shook her head in exasperation. The class groaned and grunted. The Pengetua shot us her 'glare of death' and we decided to just let her tell her 'interesting tale'.
"Just 2 days ago I received a letter from your teacher, Anirafays. In the letter she mentioned something about being in pain, asking for help to get her off the island and of course she explained what happened to her. I do not know how in the world did she send the letter, luck was probably on her side then", explained the Pengetua.
Another classmate of mine stood up, cleared her throat and asked, "Why aren't you helping her then? And it isn't logical for us to just receive a letter from her just like that either".
The whole class was staring at the Pengetua while she was trying hard to control her anger. Obviously, she failed miserably. "I WOULD write back to her or send help, BUT a certain someone forgot to write the return address! How in the world am I suppose to reply or send help when I don't know where she is!? And how am I supposed to know how she managed to send the letter and how I received this letter. Like I said, it was probably luck", she yelled and choked on her own saliva.
My classmate sat herself back down, rolling her eyes. The whole class sighed in unison. The Geo teacher cleared her throat and said, "Pengetua, you should probably tell them the reason why you're here now".
"Oh right. All right listen up everyone! Pay attention to me! Stop talking for once will you?!" she said this when we were actually silent the whole time (Its okay, she's delusional).
"I've searched long and hard for a substitute teacher for PJ and I've found the perfect teacher for you", said the Pengetua with an evil look on her face. We didn't like that look on her face, never did and never will.
"His name is Le-- L,leg..Goo.. Hmm, funny I'm having trouble pronouncing his name", she said.
"It's pronounced Legolas!" a voice near the door said. We all turned our heads to face the door only to see a tall, fair man with blonde hair and blue eyes standing there. He grinned and said, "I believe Geography is over". We covered our eyes as his teeth were shining brightly. The Geo teacher muttered something under her breath and said, "Stand up class". We stood up, wished her thank you and off she went...la di-da, her eye was twitching repeatedly.
The Pengetua left the class at that moment, cackling like a dead crow.
"Well what are you waiting for? Get up! Wish me!" Ordered the dumb blonde. We all stood up following our monitor's lead, and wished him 'well' in a very long winding way. "Se-la-mat se-jah-te-ra cik-gu Leeee-guuu-lasss."(its like good morning, we do it when a teacher enters class, yes, very very annoying)
"No! No! No! you've got it all wrong, its not Leguulasss its pronounced Le-GO-las. Got it?" said the pretty man-elf.
We all rolled our eyes together, then gave our new teacher the L on the forehead sign (F.Y.I, the loser sign in other words). "Oooh, a symbol of admiration and love for ME. You love me, you really love me", Legolas said feeling all flattered and kembang hidung-ish (same meaning as flattered)
He then did the symbol on himself because as you know, the letter 'L' is his first initial. We snickered and suppressed evil laughter. Some of us dropped dead on the floor while some others answered the call of nature right there and then. Legolas was still in Lala Land, admiring his new 'symbol of love' and did not notice the fowl smell of nature being answered. He skipped away happily out of class and told us to change into our PJ clothes and meet him downstairs on the field.
We blinked as Legolas skipped out of the room much like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz (except without the flea magnet, tin can, and the weed). We didn't bring our PJ clothes, AGAIN, for the FIFTH consecutive week in a row (Big whoop...). After 30 minutes of lollygagging in the class we reluctantly dragged our feet onto the field. We then sat down in front of Leggy.
His face contorts to an expression of limitless anger and his eyes grew so wide at the sight of us that we thought it would burst. This expression never leaves his face again-ever. It wasn't a pretty sight but at least we'd be able to put him in Ripley's Believe It Or Not for being the most distorted man...err elf alive.
"WHERE ARE YOUR PJ CLOTHES YOU LITTLE Oompa Loompa's! (Figure that out your self)." Leggy screamed. We groaned and started whining all at once, just to annoy the little Prince Of Mirkwood (More like Princess, actually).
"SILENCE you little bunch of wild boars, before I boil you, mash you and stick you in a stew!" screamed princess Leggy.
"Fine!" We all answered back. Leggy sighed. Poor old Leggy, he went to brood for a moment on a large slab of rock, which I might add, came out of nowhere. Every few minutes or so he would sigh really loudly, just to make sure we felt bad about not bringing our PJ clothes (Yeah right! Like that's ever going to happen!).
After two hours or so it seemed that Blondie had calmed down a bit. He went over to where we were. Most of us by then were either napping or just lying face down on the grass. As for me, I was lying on my back, attempting to see how long I can look at the sun without blinking. I'm at 30 minutes so far, a new record for me.
"Eh hem... hear ye hear ye little juveniles of this accursed land." (He means the school) intoned Leggy pompously whilst clearing his throat. We were still in our own world of extreme boredom.
"Oi! I said LISTEN!" he shouted and for no reason tripped. We were still not listening (Well what do you expect from us).
We seemed totally unconcerned, singing our favorite song, "do you know the muffin man? The muffin man? The muffin man..." Leggy sighed in defeat. "Fine if your not going to listen I'm just going to talk anyways," huffed the blonde dude. Apparently Leggy then went into the so-called 'caring' teacher mode, "Look I am your teacher, therefore I am also your friend and all of you are my EXPPPEECCTTTAAAATION.....(Guess who he's imitating...hehe)".
He started babbling meaninglessly. Again.
One of my classmates, with absolutely no sense of physics whatsoever (Well I don't blame him, we haven't learnt physics yet) took a leaf, and with all his might threw it in Leggy's direction, hoping that it would hit him right on his forehead. We stared blankly at him for a while until someone decided to slap him.
I felt sorry for the kid, so I decided to teach him a thing or two in physics. I took a rock with particularly sharp edges, and my senses made me throw the rock at Leggy hitting him right between his eyes. Well you can't blame me entirely, it was some sort of a reflex action.
He fell back and laid unconscious for a few minutes. He soon recovered then looked around menacingly for the evil being who threw the rock.
"You know, you're quite odd," I said gleefully out of nowhere.
He turned to give me the most evil-est look he could muster (which wasn't very good, he looked more like an angry platypus to me).
"Well you're not one to talk." He snapped. "You talk to inanimate objects," he continued. I realized he was right so I simply threw another rock at him, but this time it was sharper and bigger than before. Now he looked like he had a red clown nose on his forehead.
He huffed and puffed angrily. It looked as if he was so mad that he couldn't breath properly.
"Fine all of you are going to get it! GET IT I tell you! Get it!!!" he barked at us. Then for some abnormal reason Leggy started to talk in Mang-lish ( sort of Bahasa mixed with Eng. Like a slang?? I think.)
. "Eh you people arr, I oso donno what to do with you anymore la. Don't you know ah?! The war is in two weeks. You gila nak mati ka?!" We just stared nonchalantly at him.
Suddenly he snapped back to his elvishness.
"Look, whatever I don't care anymore. I don't even know why I took this job in the first place. You all obviously don't care about the war or anything else for that matter and...blah... blah ...blah..." he continued to talk nonsense for a few more minutes and then at last he stalked off to another slab of rock sighing and muttering some profanity (best not to mention them as to keep PG rating of story).
We went back to our state of semi-unconsciousness. I was still trying to see how long I can stare at the sun without blinking. Now I know why people always tell me not to stare at the sun. It hurts. A lot.
So I decided I needed something else to stare at. My eyes soon wonder to where Leggy was, then I thought to myself 'How the hell can his hair be flying around when there was absolutely no wind?! And why in the world is his hair blonde and his eyebrows brown?!'
Suddenly my alter-ego kicked in and thoughts of hair filled my head and it went something like this, ' Such prrretttyy hair, sooo blonde, sooo soft, veerryy preeettyy, MUCH too pretty for him, MY precciouuussss. I then decided that such pretty hair shouldn't be wasted on HIM. I needed to get that hair, and I needed it fast. A thought suddenly just popped into my head.
I stood up, and looked around evilly for a little while, then I screamed at the top of my lungs "ARMAGEDDON IS HERE!!! RUN!!!" I ran as franticly off the field as I could, unfortunately I ran straight into a wall, But it was ok I managed to get to the KH room just fine. My classmates just raised their eyebrows and gave me 'this girl is an absolute nutcase and is probably on heavy medication' look. It was normal. Don't worry...
TWO HOURS LATER.......
I came back onto the field with a serempang tangan (its that gardening tool, the one that looks like a hand?) and a blue eye.
Apparently Cikgu (teacher) Zoo Zoo let out his tiny pixie KH ( it's a horrid subject, in which teachers torture our souls with wood work, electronics, gardening, and even sewing!!!) helpers, and they weren't too please with my presence.
I tip-toed silently behind Leggy with a malevolent chuckle. I looked around evilly and with a few snips and snaps and a few more snips and snaps, all of his hair was MINE! All mineee, yess preciouuusss.
Everything goes into slow motion....
Leggy felt his scalp, hoping for hair to be there. And as all of you know it wasn't. DUH. He turned around, looked at me with an expression full of shock and horror. He screamed like a little wuss, with his eyes all wide and teary. It went a little like this "NOOO!!! Mommy help me!!!" He fell on the grass with a loud thud in an overly dramatic way. Pfft, such a drama/drag queen. On the ground, he kept twitching repeatedly just like a crushed cockroach that isn't really dead...yet. Oh yea, he died a slow and painful death by the way.
Everything went back to normal speed.....
We all jumped up and down with joy and ran back to class or the toilet or to wherever we wanted.
TWO WEEKS LATER......As predicted, the war came. The nameless Dark Lord whacked us all to death with just one swing of her giant mallet. Obviously we all kicked the bucket, because we were not prepared. Big WHOOP! The end.
The moral of the story is:
Always bring your PJ clothes; you never know when a Dark Lord might want to whack you to death with a mallet.
Elves should never, under any circumstances be PJ teachers.
Don't try to look straight at the sun you'll end up colour blind. But if really must, use a telescope or a periscope, it helps, I think.
Never ever try to cut someone's hair with a serempang tangan it doesn't work as good as you think it does, trust me, I KNOW!!!
Dreamt and written by: Me
Co-written by: Sleepy
P.S: Hope no one got offended. But just to be safe and because my teacher told me too, sorry to all victims of my shameless literary parasitism (which include teachers, students, all overprotective Leggy fans, world-weary 15 year olds, Tolkien ....well in short, everyone). Sorry also for my inept plotting and irritating dialogs.
P.P.S: Stay in school, it'll keep you out of trouble from 7.30 a.m-2.00 p.m, Mondays till Fridays. At least it does for me. Well good day and I hope I haven't put you off reading for good. It is my first fic and all...hhehehe