Author's Note: A little head canon turned into this.
Here's a chapter just to introduce Kurt. It may be a little confusing at the very beginning but just read on. It'll come together soon enough.
Keep in mind that I'm a very slow writer and also a perfectionist which means that my story will probably take ages to update. I'm sorry! Trying to write a couple of chapters beforehand so you won't have to wait as long though. Feel free to message me or put it in the reviews section if you have any ideas.
Next update will be in 1 or 2 days.
Warning (so far): Slight depression, swearing, homophobia, and crap loads of angst.
Disclaimer: I don't own Glee or any of its characters.
Chapter One: Kurt Hummel
Room B13. Occupant: K. Hummel.
When Kurt was a baby, he was a delicate little thing with bright blue eyes and thin wisps of light brown hair. Burt and Elizabeth would rock him in their arms for hours in order for him to fall asleep; and when Kurt eventually did close his little eyes, there'd be some kind of noise – maybe Burt closing the door a little too loudly, or Elizabeth turning on the tap, or the beep of a horn from an angry driver outside – that would wake Kurt up with a start and cause him to bawl at the top of his lungs.
He'd always been a boy with major sleeping issues, having to lie in bed for hours because even the slightest noise would disturb him. Burt grew to be quiet after Kurt bid him a goodnight, more quiet than you'd expect a man who worked at a car repair store and wore permanently stained overalls could be. He'd always wish that the world could be silent when Kurt was sleeping. Now, he looks at his peacefully sleeping son, tucked comfortably under white covers and hopes for the first time that Kurt will wake when there is a noise.
Burt doesn't know whether to start laughing or crying when the patient in the next room smashes a vase, and Kurt stays sleeping.
You'd think the world would have picked itself up by now. There are very few people who try to make the world a better place to live in now. Burt Hummel may be torn and shattered and holding up only for his son and nothing else, but is fortunately one of those people.
Kurt's eyelids flutter open for a second and he can see the faint outline of his dad in an unfamiliar setting. He can't really- is his dad crying? Or yelling? But he can't be yelling because there's no sound. And- and the doctor seems to be talking but the more he talks the more distressed his dad becomes.
He wants to find out where he is, why everything is unnaturally quiet, why his dad is looking so upset; but before he knows it, Kurt's drifted off again.
Dalton Academy. The name is familiar.
Kurt is surrounded by boys in handsome navy blazers, all singing their hearts out with grins on their faces. Teenage Dream. Uptown Girl. Such fresh songs; energetic and friendly and amazing. They're welcoming him into the group because… they like him. He has friends.
Now he's on a dimly lit stage but he's not singing. He's watching the boy next to him, gorgeous and a little on the short side, take a deep breath. The boy opens his mouth, and this stunning voice makes Kurt's heart leap out of his chest.
"All the games you played, the promises you made."
Hazel eyes staring right into his glasz ones. But
"Couldn't finish what you started."
when Kurt looks closer
"Only darkness still remains."
the boy's eyes seem
"Lost sight, couldn't see when it was you and me."
a little cloudy.
Kurt won't remember anything he dreamt. Why would he, when they're mostly nightmares anyway? Some things, he's learnt, are better when they are not exposed to the world but rather, shut away. In a locked box at the back of his mind perhaps. Or a closet. That works too.
The next time he wakes, he's a little groggy from the medication and excessive sleeping and his eyes can barely open. As his eyes adjust he finds his father slumped uncomfortably against the side of the bed – his much loved grey cap lying on the covers, flannel shirt noticeably picked at near the sleeves, and a warm hand resting gently on top of his. The only person who he loves; though if he's being brutally honest, he's quite wary with the whole concept of trust. It's like a foreign word to him now. Trust? What's that? He's forever guarded and insecure because the person he loved – sorry, loves – so very deeply destroyed him beyond repair.
Kurt gazes fondly at his dad, taking in with a frown the dark shadows under his eyes and wrinkled shirt that suggests he hasn't changed for some time. He's tempted to wake his dad and ask all the questions that are bothering him but he can't bring himself to rouse a man who has obviously been restless for days. So he closes his eyes and tries to go back to sleep, thinking that if he can grow up to be half the man his dad is then he'd be happy.
At the door, the doctor drops his clipboard.
Burt wakes with a start. Kurt opens his eyes a little because he felt the bed shift and Burt's hand leave his own.
'I'm sorry,' Doctor David apologises.
Burt nods. 'Are you- Is Kurt okay?'
'There hasn't been any change to his current state but the anesthetics should begin to wear off now. He'll be awake soon-'
'Dad?'
Burt whips around, heart pounding. His voice. Kurt's voice. It's not the same. It's a little too frantic, a little too off-key.
'Dad? I- I- I can't talk. I can't hear anything. What – what happened? What's wrong? Why can't I hear?' he rants, almost hysterical and Burt just wants to shut his eyes and because he can't bear looking at him like that. Frenzied with panic, like a rabbit chased by barking dogs. He's too fragile. He's been through too much.
But Burt swallows hard and doesn't break down because he knows his son needs him. Soon enough he has his arms around Kurt who has streams of tears running down his face and is gabbling desperately, unsure of what he's even talking about; but the questions turn into shrieks and the doctor has to close to the door and Burt just hugs Kurt through it all, because that's all he can do.
Kurt ends up hiding himself under the covers, sobbing and coughing and screaming and kicking the men away. Because he doesn't want to accept the truth. Because it's not fair that every fucking thing happens to him.
Later that night Kurt will cry himself to sleep in the unfamiliar hospital bed, tucking into a helpless, fetal position under the pristine white covers.
He'll wake up confused, eyes horribly swollen and red, on a tear-stained pillow and stand up to ease the ache in his bones from sleeping in an uncomfortable position the whole night. He'll open his mouth to sing the introduction of a song that's in his head (Candles, he thinks it's called). But the melody will die on his lips, when reality comes crashing down on him like an avalanche. Pressing on him, weighing him down. And he'll be crying again. He doesn't know it yet and he'd deny it if you asked but in the very core of his pulsing heart, he's waiting for someone to bring him back to the surface. Someone who won't hurt him and leave him the second they find out he's gay. Just someone who truly loves him back. That's not too much to ask for, is it?
You know, Kurt trusted once.
Not long ago, he had people and close friends who he confided in; he loved the New Directions and thought them as part of his family. Then one afternoon he'd grasped every ounce of courage he had and told them he liked boys – Kurt had one foot out of the closet and he had let himself hope, that his friends, of all people, would accept him. But they didn't and simply walked out of his life, so he drove home with eyes that were obscured with tears and had to pull up halfway at the side of a road because he was sobbing too hard to see.
No friends and no Glee Club. But that was nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to-
It hurt to even think about. The memory tugged at a gaping hole in his heart every time it flashed across his mind.
His own mum had left him. Just like Rachel and Mercedes and Artie and everyone else. No last words, not even a single backward glance – leaving him alone with a heartbroken father and a shattered home.
They'd all just fucking left him.
Kurt trusted once. Really.
Kurt Hummel is the boy who wears sport jerseys of teams he doesn't care for, caps with graffiti he finds unattractive and sneakers he longs to throw away. He's the boy who messes his hair before he arrives at school and forces himself to disguise his voice so that it's deeper.
Kurt's not straight and he's not happy.
But he is the boy who always pretends to be someone he's not.