HPP Chapter One

"Ok, Harry." Said Uncle Vernon, blindfolding Harry and leading him to the driveway. "Today you can finally leave us and join your parents."

"Umm…" Said Harry, slightly confused as he madly waved his hands around in an attempt to understand where exactly he was, "Aren't my parents dead?"

"Yes… Well – no, you'll see what I mean soon enough." Answered Uncle Vernon, placing Harry under the front wheel of the car and getting into the car behind the wheel. "Time to say goodbye to the world!" He yelled, starting the car.

Harry gasped as a sudden magical feeling surged though his limbs and jumped up onto the windscreen. Shocked that he couldn't see anything, Uncle Vernon swerved out of control and ran over Mrs Figg's only living cat.

Eventually Harry fell of the windscreen and onto the sidewalk. He caught sight of a banana peel sticking out of the trash bin. He picked it up and threw it under the wheel and watched the lovely sight of Uncle Vernon zoom up a hill and fall into a pond.

An ogre appeared scratching his bum and holding a leash leading to a three-headed dog. The ogre reached into his jacket and into garbage bins along the way, bringing out raw hunks of rotting meat and dead animals, throwing them at Fluffy, who was the dog.

"Eat 'em raw Fluffy, eat 'em bloody, oh, is that you Harry?"

"Y-y-yes?"

"Good, now I'm the gamekeeper of a magical school for abnormal people, would you like to come to a non-existent village and buy spell books with me, and run through a platform to get to the other side?" He said, now reading a guide on how to breed dragons illegally.

Harry hesitated, thinking of what Uncle Vernon would do to him and weighing whether or not it would be a better idea to go along with this random stranger he had just met. He then thought the better of it and said, "Sure."

"Excellent," Said the ogre "I'm Hagrid, Hagrid Beer-breath."

"Umm…ok." Said Harry, glancing at the car and a pile of rubble that used to be a wall, "Let's go right now before Uncle wakes up and tries to kill me again."

"Okay, if ya have to." Said Hagrid, "We need the go to London then to Gringo, our wizarding bank." Said Hagrid,

"What school am I going to?" Harry questioned, wanting to know at least something before getting most likely kidnapped by this delusional weirdo.

"Hogwarts."

They caught the underground train that was like a roller coaster and all of Hagrid's money jangled out. Harry had the idea that there were goblins collecting them somewhere in the darkness far beneath the tracks. Finally they stopped at a red dragon. "Your money." Said the immensely tall goblin, "Is in there."

The dragon opened its mouth and a bright stream of scarlet smoke erupted, then in the depths, Harry saw a pile of huge fat gallons.

After Harry had gathered all the money he could, they travelled back outside. "Okay Harry," Said Hagrid, "You go into this shop and buy your uniform." He pointed to a huge shop with a picture of a half-naked woman on it. "And I'll go and have a drink of alcohol."

Harry nervously stepped into the shop and was relieved there was another kid in it. The tall blonde (in both ways) boy turned his head to Harry, "Hello." He said, "Nice scar."

Harry touched the scar on his forehead, "Thanks." He said, "I got it when my parents car slipped on a banana peel and we flew off a cliff."

The boy pulled a packet of weed out of his pocket, "No ya didn't." He said, shoving a handful into his mouth and holding the bag out to Harry, who quickly refused to take any.

"Who is that ogre? Oops…I forgot to introduce myself I'm Draco Malfoy." Said the blonde (in both ways) kid, pointing out the window where Hagrid was staggering around, waving a foaming tankard of containing some kind of alcohol.

"That ogre is called Hagrid. He's the Hogwarts gamekeeper and I think he may be high because-"

"Oh, I have heard of him, I am going now, bye."

Soon afterwards, Harry left. "What's next, Hagrid? Can we get a cauldron?"

"NO! We will get you a birthday present!" Hagrid snarled with an unexpected burst of anger.

"Wait a moment, how do you know when my birthday is?" Harry asked.

"Oh well I'm a stalk- Well, I'm pro at guessing!"

Harry narrowed his eyes, Hagrid disappeared into a post office, and there was a loud squawking screech, several shouts and then Hagrid squeezed out wheezing heavily. His two pupils crossed, "Sorry 'Arry bu' I'm kicked out, blimey these birds tried to eat me! Shall I get you another present?" Then he hiccupped and spewed into a nearby cauldron.

A young man wearing a dark, hooded cloak with a name badge that said Death Eater staggered out of the nearby shop, "Oh s***!" he muttered, "You're the fifth person to do that this week. The rest were from the pub." He stared at Harry and started shaking, "G-god dammit." He stammered, "Y-you're H-H-H…"

A SLIGHTLY overweight boy with red hair in the street spun around, "Oh f***, IT'S HARRY POTTER!" He started panting, "I'm Ron Weesel." He said in an extremely fast voice, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a chocolate bar. Every one tried to crowd around them, but whenever anyone got too close, Hagrid would hit them and send them flying back. The guy with the cloak backed away slowly, turned, and ran.

"Umm… What are we doing next Hagrid?" Harry asked, uncomfortable with all the sudden attention he was receiving.

"Oh let's get your wand. From that err… Shop being vandalized." Said Hagrid.

"HEY Malfoy!" Yelled Harry.

Draco whirled around, halfway through writing a rude, misspelt and grammatically incorrect message on the wand shop's sign, dropped his pen and bolted. Hagrid shrugged, "Okay let's go."

Mr Olive was a huddled up old man, all twisted and wrinkled, like a dried up lemon. He smiled grimly at Harry and reached into his robes, bringing out a container full of pills to give erections. "Mmm…so tasty. Oh ye-oops, heh." Mr Olive said, wiping his mouth and smoothing his robes around his crotch area.

"S-s-s-so, Harry Potter. I remember your mum, it was like yesterday. Mmm, she came in here and stabbed her sister with all her wands, the one she got gave her sister an electric shock, hmm," he said a while later.

"So all I have to do is stab Ogre- oops, Hagrid?" Harry asked, hastily correcting himself.

"No, just hold the wands."

Harry sighed, disappointed.

Mr Olive picked up an armful of wands and umped them all onto Harry's head. They all clattered the ground around his feet. Harry bent down and picked up a nice looking wand that reminded him of a dog's private. Immediately, red and gold sparks flew out and hit Mr Olive in the head, sending him sprawling over to the other end of the shop. "Quick." Hissed Hagrid, grabbing Harry by the arm and dragging him out of the shop.

When they were outside Harry asked, "Shouldn't we pay for this?" He lifted up the wand.

Hagrid shook his head. "Nah, the best things in life are free." Harry wasn't exactly sure that was what the saying meant, but he decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth and said nothing.

Then they arrived at the bookstore, Harry gaped. There were books floating in the air that looked wonderful, but when you neared them the cover suddenly smacked you on the head. There were lots of crates, boxes, shelves and enclosures for books.

Some snapped, others moved around and a couple of books changed from being visible to invisible to transparent. A crew all dressed in black robes ran around, pick-pocketing all the customers and trying to scam them to make sales.

"I-i-it's like," Harry stammered, and paused when he saw a book suddenly explode and one floating away from a scruffy hag wearing a thick pair of sheep liver gloves, "A living hell."

They purchased the books they needed as quickly as possible and left. When they got outside the boy, Ron was waiting for them. He hung out with Harry as they waited outside a potion ingredients store for Hagrid to finish shoplifting ingredients.

"How did you know who I was?" Questioned Harry, "Everyone seems to."

Ron took a huge bite out of a frog-shaped chocolate and gagged, "You don't know?" He coughed, spitting out the sweet into his hand. It looked like there was a real frog inside.

"Oh what's that?" Asked Harry as Hagrid ticked some things of the list and ate a snickers bar he stole from a muggle vending machine. "Oh this," Said Ron casually, "It's just a chocolate frog." Then he reached into his 'snack-pack' and brought out a gumball, he ate five in one go and blew a bubble bigger then his face.

"Uhh… Okay… Umm…" Harry found it really awkward talking to the now 1m radius bubble. "Wanna be friends?" Asked Ron.

The bubble burst and Ron was covered in sticky pink stuff, which he ate. "What?"

"Uhh…nothing." Said Harry.

"Nonono! Sure it's gonna be awesome if I'm your friend, I don't really have any." Ron said, pulling a small bag out of his snack-pack and handing it to Harry. Harry looked inside, if was full of colourful jellybeans, he picked a red and brown one and put it his mouth, immediately, he spat it onto the pavement and glared at Ron, who looked embarrassed, "Sorry," he muttered, "I should have warned you that those beans are every flavour." He picked out a yellow one and bit into it. He spat it out onto Hagrid's shoes, "Ugh, olive oil."

One Month Later…

"It's soon time Ronniekins to catch the train to Hogwarts," Said Mrs Weesel, and so they set off to the platform 9 and 3 quarters, As Harry sat on the train and said:

"My Hogwarts journey begins!"

He was in for one hell of a crazy experience.