Silent Night, Scarlet Night

Rated: G-PG

Disclaimer: I don't own The Mentalist. Unless you count my DVD collection... That should count, right?

Summary: Lisbon asks Jane to go to Christmas mass with her.

A/N: I feel like I haven't written in forever! Hope you enjoy this Christmas story. It's been on my brain for awhile, and finally found its form today. Thanks so much for reading!

Christine

Ooo

She stood on the stone steps, the cold night air around her ignored even though she shivered. She was protected only by her thin, black trench coat, her hands stuffed in the pockets. So what if her eyes were red, and it wasn't just from the cold? So what if she couldn't finish climbing those steps and enter the sanctuary of the church.

His harsh words continued to mock her, numbing her.

"You want me to what? Go to church with you?"

"It's Christmas mass," she defended her suggestion. "It wouldn't kill you, you know."

"You think God can fix me? Fix my life?" he backed away from her in disbelief, like she was attacking him.

She'd never seen him like this, so bleak and discouraged. She knew holidays were hard on him, but this year seemed worse than usual. She knew he shouldn't be alone.

"Come on, Jane. You need to get out of this attic, get away from the CBI for a while."

"I'm not going to church, Lisbon. No way."

She ignored his emotional response and stepped further into the darkly lit room.

"So what? You're going to blame God for all the bad things that have happened to you? Stuff happens, Jane, that's just the way of the world."

"I don't-" he faltered. "If I believed in God, I wouldn't blame Him... I only blame myself."

"Then what?"

She glanced at her watch as the strains of "Silent Night" reached her ears. She sat down on the steps to listen, mindless of the tears falling down her face. When she heard heavy footsteps approach, she quickly wiped her eyes. The footsteps stopped in front of her. She finally looked up when he sat beside her. His black wool coat looked warm.

"I'm sorry," he said simply.

"For what?" she sniffed defiantly.

He put an arm over her shoulders and rubbed gently, providing her with warmth.

"For making you sad. For... kicking you out when that was the last thing I actually wanted to do."

"Lisbon, just get out."

"I'm not leaving you like this. It's not right."

"Not right? Not right that on Christmas, when families are all together and happy and joyful... I need you to leave, Lisbon."

"No," she responded just as vehemently.

He'd walked up to within an inch of her face, his eyes raging. "I said, get out," he shouted. Jane never raised his voice like that. Not to her.

"Then why did you do it?" she wiped her eyes again.

Jane sighed helplessly, his breath coming out in a cloud. "I don't know. I guess... I get tired of feeling this way myself. I didn't want to bring you down with me. Not on Christmas Eve."

"I'm your friend, Jane. You have to know that by now. Good or bad, I'm here for you."

"I know. I'm just sorry I haven't been there for you like I should have been."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that you're crying openly in a public area. And you asked me to go to church with you. If that's not a cry for help..." he offered a half-hearted laugh which she didn't return. He became serious once more. "It's not that you thought I needed church, though that's part of it. You needed to go to church. And you didn't want to go alone."

Lisbon just shrugged, crossing her arms tightly against the chill.

He continued to search her face even though she still refused to meet his eyes. "Christmas isn't easy for you either, is it? Your brothers all have families of their own. Your team each has their own plans. This is when the loneliness really hits hard for you, isn't it?"

She didn't acknowledge if he was right or wrong, though he already knew he was correct.

"You reached out to me, and I yelled at you."

"Yeah, smooth move there," she finally offered him a half-hearted laugh of her own.

Jane grabbed her hand in his and pulled her to her feet, wiping away the rest of her tears with his other hand. "Come on," he started up the steps.

"Jane, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but..."

"But nothing. Besides, it's freezing out here in case you haven't noticed."

Lisbon shook her head. "I mean it Jane. I don't want to force you into something you're not ready for."

"Come on," he said again, and this time she stopped arguing.

When they reached the top of the steps, Jane stopped her at the doors, hesitation marring his features. "About what I said before... in the attic... I don't blame God, Teresa. I meant what I said. And I do believe He exists."

Lisbon stayed silent while he searched for the right words. "I uh- I used to pray all the time. Funny, huh? World class liar praying to the Almighty? I just, um... don't know what to say to Him anymore, how to tell Him about what happened to my family. And... there are times when I feel... afraid... of Him."

An all-powerful God. The only being in the universe that knew Patrick Jane's mind inside and out. No wonder he was afraid. Lisbon squeezed his hand where it still held hers and opened the church doors. They took a seat at the back, away from the other worshipers.

At first, Jane fiddled nervously with the hymnbook, then he clenched it tightly in his hands as though hanging on for dear life. And then he just sat still as the Christmas story was read.

"You're wrong," Teresa leaned over to whisper softly. "About not knowing how to approach Him, about not knowing what to say."

Jane's gaze froze on the manger scene at the front of the room where an actual infant flailed his arms. He swallowed hard, his eyes flickered to the cross hanging from the wall above the nativity. A baby and a cross. His eyes were red, and it wasn't just from the cold.

"He lost a child too."

Ooo

The End

Ooo