The Eastenders that the BBC Didn't want you to see

Disclaimer:This story is based on things that the BBC will never show on Eastenders. Be warned they can be quite stupid (but in a funny way).

Episode one:

"You know something Max, you're a dirty old fart who can't keept his dirty hands off 18 year old girls". Tanya and Max where having an Arguement over his ooh laa laa with Stacey.

"Look here you Bitch, I tried to end it but she kept on throwing herself onto me" he snapped. "DON'T YOU CALL ME A BITCH YOU FUCKING DIRTY MOTHER FUCKER" she shouted. "Stop swearing, Abi's looking through the window" Tanya looked and saw Abi peering through the window looking shocked. "You said naughty words" Abi Cried before running off. Tanya turned back to Max, picked up a newspaper, rolled it up and held it towards Max. "What you doing?" he asked with a very scared look on his face. "I'm gonna Bash your Brains in you Mother fucker" she said evilly, raising the rolled newspaper ready to strike. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" Max Cried but it was too late, Tanya was hitting him over the head with the rolled up newspaper. "hahahaha take that Mother Fucker" she cackled. Max was crying and begging her to stop but she just ignored him. Soon she hit him so hard that he fell unnconcious and Tanya dumped him on the doorstep unaware that she was being watched by Abi who was hiding in the bushes. "I'll but your shit in plastic Bin liners" she said before shutting the door.

Meanwhile, Ian and Lucy where watching some very boring movie when Jnae came along and turned it off.

"Jane what do you think you're doing you Fucking Bitch?" Lucy demanded. "Hey Language" Ian warned. "This Movie is boring and it'll make the readers fall asleep" she explained. "Whatever" Lucy said, gesturing the w sigh "I'm off the chat online, there's this sexy 15 year old who wants to get to know me" and she flounced upstairs. "Oh No, she's going around shaggin boys again" Ian moaned. "Don't worry ina, this one is only a year older than her, not like that Bastard Craig who attacked that poor Patrick Trueman". Ian nodded in agreement and he and Jane canoodled. Lucy was chatting to new new online Boyfriend and where discussing Dirty things.

"Daddy wake up, don't die on me Daddy". Max came round and saw a tear-streaked Abi leaning over him. "Hello, who are you?" he asked. Abi Looked at Max with confusion. "It's me, Abi, you're Daughter, 11 years old, has a pet Guniea pig called Marge, has an older Sister who's name goes by lauren, 13 years old, has an attitude problem" Abi explained. "Hello Abi I'm Homer Simpson" he said. "No, you;re max Branning, My daddy" she said rather shocked. She helped the confused man to his feet and led him into the house where Tanya was smoking one off Max's fags.

"Mum what are you doing?" Abi shrieked in horror. "I'm trying to get rid of the pain by smoking fags" Tanya explained taking another drag. "Yeah, Look mum, Dad's had a nasty bump and he can't remember anything and he thinks he's Homer Simpson" Abi explained shoving a demented looking Max in front of Tanya who didn't seem interested. "Whatever, hey Abi love, fetch me a banana" she ordered. Abi wasn't going to let Tanya ignore Max's problem. "Mum, he's lost his memory and can't remeber who he is or who we are. Just make sure he doesn't do anything stupid" and she stomredo ut in a huff. "Hello love I'm Homer Simpson" Max smiled waving at Tanya. "Oh come on, I couldn't have hit you that hard" she whined.

"Incorrect, I do not recall being hit by a fine looking dame like you" and he growled in a frisky wave. "Look Max pretending you lost your memory won't make me forgive you, your shit is in Plastic bags". Max stood in the room looking confused "What, waht have I supposed to have done?" he wondered.. "YOU'VE BEEN SHAGGIN STACEY SLATER BEHIND MY BACK" Tanya called from the Kitchen. Max slapped himself on the head "Oh no, Marge is going to kill me".

"Dad, I don't think Abi's pet rat is set on killing ya" Lauren said who was peering through the letterbox. Max shrugged and went hunting for duff beer.

"PHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL GET YOUR FAT ARSE IN HERE NOW". Phil came into the living room. "What Mother?" he said bowing before a very angry looking Peggy Mitchell. "YOU HAVE HAD A CINESE TAKE AWAY WITHOUT MY PERMISSION YOU NAUGHTY MAN, YOU NAUGHTY NAUGHTY MAN" she shrieked. "So what?" said Phil Shrugging "I'm 42 years old, I can do what I like with out your permission" and he stormed out leaving peggy in a fit of rage.

Abi was sat on the lover's bench, crying her eyes out when Peter beale came along and saw that she was upset.

"Hey, what's the matter?" he asked. "Go away" Abi sobbed " I don't wanna see anyone". Pter sighed and sat next to her. "You want to tell me about it?" he asked. Abi wiped her eyes and looked at him. "Dad's lost his memory and mum couldn't care less" she sniffed. "What do you mean, lost his memory?" he wondered. "He was hit on the head and he can't remeber who he and he thinks he's Homer Simpson" she explained. "Don't worry about it, I'm sure he'll remember soon" Pter reassured the youngster. "Thanks, I'm gonna go home now" and she stood up and walked back to the house.

"Lucy, have you been shaggin this new fella of yours?" Ian demanded furiously. "Fuck off dad, I haven't been shagging around" Lucy cried in a very pissed off manner.

"Lucy stop lyig to me or I'll eat you up" Ian bellowed. "I'm not dad,he's a fucking moron and I told him to fuck off" and she ran outside.Ian's eye glowed red. He was turnig into a demon.

to be contiued...

So what will happen, will Ian become a demon, will Tanya quit smoking, will Max ever get his memory back? find out in the next episode of Eastenders.