The Legend of "Fleecebeard" Jason and the Horn of Friendship
Once upon a time, in the distant future after the rise of the galactic colonies and their election of the Jersey Shore cast to the United Earth Government, the governor of the THESS471 Colony, Arson, was shoved into an airlock by his brother, Graubin Peelzius, who then took his position. Peelzius also planned to sacrifice Arson's son, Jason, to the Shore Council to appease Snooki. However, before he could do so, a band of space pirates took the boy and brought him to their hideout on the THESS471 Colony. There they raised him in secrecy, training him in the arts of fighting, smuggling, stealth, and writing sonnets. Peelzius, believing Jason to be dead, continued his life as governor of the colony.
Many years passed, and Peelzius began to pass stricter anti-piracy laws. The governor feared an attack from the freedom-fighting groups, especially the legendary Captain Rocket Cat, The Scourge of Space, who allegedly took his name from his fast reflexes and love of rocket-based weapons.
Jason grew up to be a full-grown man during this time, with a long beard made of wool that had been the result of a crazy night where a sheep, hundreds of military-grade paper clips, and several bottle of tequila were involved. Because of his wool beard, he was called "The sheep dude", but he preferred to be called "Fleecebeard".
The leader of the local pirate hideout, Baron DuCreux, told Jason: "Oh youth, verily there are possible truths which reach mine ears! The most honorable Captain Missile Feline is said to have docked upon our home world in order to enjoy refreshment establishments!" "You mean Captain Rocket Cat is here to go to a bar?" "Verily!"
Jason, carrying nothing but his clothes, a plasma pistol, a small Ion laser, a week's worth of Spam and Twinkie rations, and a copy of Twilight in case he needed toilet paper. He travelled to the most notorious bar on the planet, the Randy Llama. Jason walked up to the bartender and said he was looking for Rocket Cat. The entire bar went silent, save for a few people discussing in hushed tones the legends surrounding the captain. A lone, old-looking robot approached Jason, asking in his refined, posh British accent why he would be looking for Rocket Cat. Jason told him that he sought to bring down Governor Peelzius, and he'd been raised by Baron DuCreux himself. The robot nodded and wished him luck, walking out of the tavern and leaving Jason behind. Jason began to ask around with the other pirates, hoping for a lead but only getting the same legends regurgitated at him. As he moved to leave the Randy Llama in defeat, a small puppy walked into the tavern, jumping excitedly at Jason when she saw him. The puppy pulled on the pant-leg of his space-suit, as if trying to play with him. Then she bolted off in a direction and circled back toward Jason. He got the impression it wanted to play, and he told it he had to go home.
The puppy leapt up and grabbed a tin of Spam out of Jason's bag. Jason began to yell and chase at the puppy, following her towards the space-ship docks. The puppy climbed onboard one of the more bizarre ships, which resembled an old 1800s ship rather than a modern spacecraft. Jason followed after the puppy, following it down below the deck.
Waiting for him below deck were three creatures, none of which Jason expected. The first was the robot he'd seen at the bar, who Jason assumed to be a malfunctioning service android. The second was the puppy, which sat patiently wagging its tail, offering Jason back his spam. The third was by far the strangest, for it was incredibly unfamiliar. It looked like a very large, strange cat, but with a dragon's wings and tail, and it wore a tri-tip hat.
The feline creature spoke to him thusly: "Ohai hoomin! I herd ju be lewkin' fer da great Cap'n Rocket Cat, so ju can overfrow Pillzy? Lewk no furder!" Jason dropped his jaw in disbelief. "Common reakshun. Nao, if ye wants to get rid of Pillzy and taek over dis colony system, ye'ze gonna need a ship, a crew, and sumfing to grind jur teefs on. Dat r a metaf…mefat….dun't reelly grind jur teefs on stuff, cuz u need dose fer nommin." "And where would I get these things, Oh mighty Captain?" "Wal-mart! Or ju can has a ship builded at dis dockin bay, which r a better idea. Nu but srslies, go to Wal-mart and get some gunbots and serbis bots. And get sum crews from da tabern, dehn come lewk for meh and mah ship, da Dangercat!"
Jason went to the shipyard construction console, deposited a token, and told the console to build a large, maneuverable ship that Jason decided to call the Yargo. While it was busy loading, Jason went down to the nearby Wal-Mart and picked up two service bots and two security bots. He then went back to the Randy Llama and announced he was assembling a crew to overthrow Peelzius. He picked up an unintimidating man named Doug, who specialized in operating the weapons-systems on a spacecraft, and a guy named Chuck whose only real talent was his ability to simultaneously play the banjo and the fiddle.
He then returned to the docking bay where the Yargo had finished loading. Onboard, he found several boxes of food and weapons, a stack of money, and a note reading "kertusseh of Cap'n Rocket Cat" with a large paw print next to the name. Jason and his crew boarded the ship and flew into space, chasing after what they saw was the Dangercat in the distance.
Once closer to the ship, Jason received an audio transmission: "Dis is Cap'n Rocket Cat of da Dangercat! Iz for 'Fleecebeard' Jason! Chu needs combat asperiences. Ye must go to da COLCH15 sector and get da Horn of Fwiendship! Eet r a unicorn horn dat once belonged to a great Ponymancer, but nao it r a tropheh for Governor I-Ate-Bees. He no gonna just gives eet to ju; ye're gonna hasta akwi…akiw…steals eet from him. Ai will be watchings! Head to da CYZ1 moon here and we gets starteded!"
Jason steered his ship over to the nearby moon, reaching it in a matter of hours. He and his crew disembarked onto the moon, and while they saw no sign of the Dangercat, they did see a weak, weary, sparkling man lying on the ground facedown in tattered clothing. Jason approached him, and the man revealed himself to be Edward Cullen! His punishment for ruining vampire literature was to be eternally mobbed by rabid fan girls every so often, and they were due back any minute. Jason and his military drones positioned themselves around Mr. Cullen while Doug and the service bots manned the ship's weapons, and Chuck played "Farewell to Nova Scotia".
A rumbling sound filled the air, and the ground began to quake. Jason braced himself, clutching his plasma cannon. Then they came. A massive horde of screaming girls began to charge as rabid foam spewed from their screaming mouths. The Yargo's plasma guns and ion beams spewed death in one direction while Jason and his bots fired in the other direction. Although the fan girls dropped like concrete flies, and those remaining had to tread over the fallen, they were completely undeterred and for every one that fell, five more seemed to burrow up from the ground, and kept coming like zombies at a Mensa meeting. They gradually began to close in on Jason and his bots.
Suddenly, Jason heard a familiar voice shout "Raise da Jolly Nommer!" He looked up and saw the Dangercat approaching, flying a black flag depicting a happy kitten chewing on a bone. Plasma and cannonballs rained from the ships sides as the ship's twin miniguns spewed into the swarm. Jason could see three figures standing on the deck: The Captain with his bazooka, a military-grade security bot with his machine gun, and a pudgy human in a cowboy outfit with a rifle, all firing into the prepubescent horror. The swarmers dropped by the thousands every second, until they all lay in pieces on the ground.
The Dangercat landed and Jason came on board Rocket Cat introduced his crew to Jason, such as Rainsford the Milibot, Billington the Chef Robot, Nano (the puppy who had attacked Jason) the weapon-systems specialist, and Ben the human with opposable thumbs. Rocket Cat explained to Jason that "nao ju can use Sparklepants here to halp get fru da Simpilates™ field! Just frow him in thar and eet gonna be clear. Yar Har!"
Jason then took the grateful Edward, bound him, and kept him in the airlock of the Yargo as they headed for the Simpilates™.
The Simpilates™ asteroid field was a field of asteroids, purchased by a yoga company, and each asteroid contained the soul of a dead hamster. Whenever anything got too close, the asteroids all charged at it until they accidently crushed it.
The Yargo Rapidly approached the asteroid field and then simultaneously opened the airlock and stopped, flinging Edward into the field. Since the only way to kill a fairy is to say you don't believe in it, the asteroids all slammed into him and kept on going, allowing the Yargo to pass through unscathed.
The Yargo soon approached the COLCH15 colony. The ship landed in a docking bay near the capital of the colony. Jason and his crew disembarked, leaving only Doug and one service bot behind. They travelled to the capital and reached the governor's dwelling, where he was rumored to keep the Horn of Friendship. Jason came up with a brilliant plan.
Chuck walked in front of the governor's mansion and began to play "Friday", which made Governor I-Ate-Bees personally come out and yell at him for being a vagrant with poor taste in music. This allowed Jason to sneak inside to the mansion and locate the horn. While he was sneaking around, he met the governor's daughter, Madesu, and the two instantly fell in love. Madesu showed him where the horn was, but when Jason grabbed it, an alarm was set off.
Jason and Madesu fled out of the mansion and headed across the city for the Yargo. Governor I-Ate-Bees boarded his ship and chased after them, as his ship went much faster than they could run or drive. Once again, the Dangercat came, hoisting its flag high, and kept the governor's ship at bay. As soon as Jason, Madesu, and Chuck re-boarded the ship, Rocket Cat took off, enticing the governor to follow. The Yargo sailed close to the Dangercat, firing plasma and missiles at the indestructable warship of the governor. No maneuver could shake him, and he seemed to be gaining on them.
Jason had another brilliant idea: He knew I-Ate-Bees was a devout follower of Cthulhu, and that according to his religious laws the remains of his loved ones had to be sacrificed to the Old Gods. Jason told Madesu to get into an escape pod, and that they would reunite later. She faithfully got in, but it was actually a giant blender and Jason let it run on 'puree' for several minutes. Fleecebeard then flushed the crimson liquid down the toilet, sending it out through the ship's waste-release valve. I-Ate-Bees stopped in his tracks to collect his daughter with the ship's external turkey baster. Jason received a video transmission from the ship, which showed the governor shaking his fist angrily and shouting "Curse you, Fleecebeard Jason!". The Yargo and the Dangercat escaped, reaching THESS471 safely.
When they reached the docking bay, Rocket Cat told Fleecebeard Jason that he was now ready to storm to the capital and overthrow Governor Peelzius, and that he could keep the horn, but that it was pretty useless. Jason decided to attack the next morning.
At the crack of the planet's dawn, plasma cannons pewed and lasers flew as the Yargo and the Dangercat assaulted the capital. They brushed the guards and turrets aside like a hot saw through an obese man. Jason jumped from his ship onto the now defeated capitol building, easily making his way to the governor's office with a Scatter-laser gun. For a long time, Graubin Peelzius said nothing, but then spoke thusly: " You see that I am exhausted already from time; certainly the last day is approaching for me. Let it be allowed while I live to keep this kingdom; however, when I finally will have died, you will take my place." Fleecebeard Jason, moved by this speech, promptly shot him in the face and took over as governor, creating a haven for pirates and executing all the United Earth Government forces stationed on THESS471. Some people didn't want to be ruled by Jason, but he killed them too.
And they all lived happily ever after.