This is dedicated to creator TheRepeat.
You tried so hard for so long to teach me about Fire Emblem, and... wow.
Welcome to Thrace, or Gallia, or something somewhere. This is a magical land where mages exist, dragons roam, and lances beat swords. For some reason. They probably have more range. Or maybe I have that backwards. I'm just getting started on my misunderstandings of this world, so hold onto your fucking seats, fellas.
There's a dragon god named Naga (not Talos), so people will be all like "for the love of Naga" and "oh my Naga" and shit in their dialogue because it's cute to superimpose fictional beliefs on real-world figures of speech! Hahaha adorable! I love it.
Or maybe Naga is the name of the planet? I have no fucking idea.
So there's this bluish dude named Marth. Remember him from Super Smash Bros? So does everyone else. No one plays his fucking game. I don't even know if there is an English version.
ANYWHOO, Marth has this sister who has a name I can't remember. Let's call her Martha. So Martha gets kidnapped and Marth is like "oooooooooh shit, nuh-uh, no touchy," and raises an army to go get his sister back. He gets this really fancy sword. It's the falchion nicest sword I've ever seen.
In the background, some incest happens, and at some point Marth time travels. On an unrelated note, Marth's entire army gets fuckin SLAUGHTERED, but their kids all stick around. It's very dramatic. It's the Genealogy of the War of Northern Aggression or some shit.
The more I think about it, the more I think this took place in Thracia. And the more I think about it, the more I think Marth's kid Sigurd is the dude who got murdered. Or maybe they weren't related at all, and the blue hair is like the anime version of being born with jade in your hands. Oh well.
So the kids all stick around. All the parents are dead, which is gucci because supposedly they was broken. And some girl is banging her uncle or something. I swear, SOMEBODY was kidnapped, but I can't remember who. This is such a mess.
(At this point, I would like to point out that TV Tropes has a page entitled Brother Sister Incest/Video Games, aka Fire Emblem. Seriously.)
Among the kiddos left behind is Blue-Hair Jr., or as the other kiddos call him, Seliph. He does stuff but he's not really that important. What I've heard about him, he's got self esteem issues because his dad was so awesome. How could poor Seliph possibly compare?
He avenges his daddy-oh. Good job, Seliph. You're TOTALLY going to be put in the next Smash game for that.
Moving on.
Now we have a red-haired protagonist (I know, it's confusing, but just... stick with me).His name is Eliwood and he's actually pretty cool. He works with dragons and shit. It's fuckin awesome.
And by "fuckin awesome," I mean you can make Eliwood fuck a dragon. Her name is Nin or something. It's really lucky that, not only are dragons heterosexual, but they have humanlike vaginas. That's the dream.
I don't mean to be too crude. Eliwood and the dragon waifu are actually really cute together. OTP material. Headcanon. I also don't really know who the options are: Nin, Lyn, and probably some other lesser characters. #fightingwords
So Eliwood and his (possibly dragon) wife have a kid named Roy. He's the guy in Smash who's all like "MINNA! MITEITEKURE!"
(translation: EVERYONE BETTER LOOK AT ME!, but with the same level of contempt as Y'ALL FUCKERS BEST GIMME YOUR ATTENTION!)
Fucking rude shit, but okay, Roy, you do you. So this rude asshole is actually a decent dude in his own game, and he does stuff for justice and fights for his friends. The whole nine.
Now, a few decades or centuries later, meet the wonder twins, Efraim and Elysif! Yup, their parents did that annoying thing the parents of twins always do and gave them similar names. Promise me, reader, that you will never commit this travesty against your own progeny.
/ (I wrote out this whole passage about how I think the game goes, but then I realized that I was confusing Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones with Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, but as this is NOT a slash fic, I removed it in editing.)
Okay, now we're at the Radiant games, which I'm a little more familiar with. There's this guy named Ike, who's literally just Marth with a choppier haircut and a more ragged cape. He's on the side of Grail in a war with Denmark and Crimea. He and his ragtag team of mercenaries just love it when a plan comes together.
At this point in the program, we meet the cool horse lady named Titania and the cute thief named Sothe. Sothe is a lot prettier in two dimensions than in three. What a shame, what a shame, the Radiant games were on the Gamecube.
There are pirates, pirates are bad, kill the pirates, YAY! That's a wrap. Game over.
Nintendo goes on a Fire Emblem hiatus for a while. It's nothing personal. They just need their space to think, but we can still be friends! They promise. It's not you, it's Nintendo. But if you scroll through Nintendo's Instagram between the years 2007 and 2013, you see all these dumb sluts in their selfies. Who is she, Nintendo? Do you think Zelda is prettier than me? You're a fucking asshole, Nintendo. But I still love you because you make some damn good games.
Guys,,, breakups are really hard,,, I just,,,, *sigh*
As I was saying, Fire Emblem.
Awakening was released in 2013. You know what that means? Anyone who started liking Fire Emblem in 2013 or later is a fucking twat. If you were a REAL fan, you would time travel back to 1990, learn Japanese, buy a Famicom, and play REAL Fire Emblem games like the rest of us. /s
Anyway, Awakening has some awesome characters like Chrom (who was popularized by his appearance in the smash-hit Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE). It also has that girl Micaiah with the bird. Fuck Micaiah. Fuck that bird. We all know a Micaiah who's all like "I have magical powers...
…
…
…
sometimes."
So Micaiah is worthless. Luckily, the game has TONS of mancandy in it, like Chrom and Lucina. Mancandy can save any game. That's why furries like Sonic games so much, even though 80% of Sonic games suck.
/I, a Sonic fan and hater of all things furry, approve this message.
There's an evil dragon named Grima. He can time travel, move between dimensions, and shapeshift. It's all over my head. My limited knowledge has made this whole game a French Mistake to me.
At some point before the Grima battle, Emmeryn is kidnapped (a staple of Fire Emblem franchise, as well as incest and excessive use of ellipses), and she falls really hard for this dude. 'This dude,' i.e., her brother, and 'falls,' i.e. jumps of a fucking cliff. She's got a flare for the dramatic.
Oh! Another thing about Grima. You know the game Chutes and Ladders? His boss battle is like Chutes and Ladders and Stairs and Shadowy Pathways and Floating Sidewalks. It's actually pretty cool looking.
BAM! You kill Grima! And everything's good again! The entire UNIVERSE was at risk, and you and your team saved the day! But wait – just when you thought the stakes couldn't get higher, Fates comes out.
The plot of Fates is as follows:
Custody battle.
OHHHHHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTT! IT'S TOO INTENSE!
Fates comes in two flavors: Conquest and the other one. Birth... something. Birthday cake. Birthing canal. Goddammit. I don't know.
Basically, you're a little baby who gets kidnapped. Your adoptive father is a total douchebag, but some daddy issues never hurt anyone so you just roll with it. At least your siblings are cool. That's more than most people could say. Then you get kidnapped again – this time, by your birth parents. Now you have two families vying for your love. Two Christmases!
Then your families are at each other's throats over some prophecy or something, and you can side with either a.) the family that actually raised you, or b.) these new people that just showed up saying they're your real family.
I mean, yeah, you were kidnapped as a baby and that was probably really hard on your parents, but think about it. These people JUST showed up. What if you took anyone's word for it if they say they're your parents? And isn't it convenient that they're only coming to get you now that they have a problem with your new family? You aren't obligated to believe them.
Oh, and Fates is a choose-your-own-adventure. You decide which side to take, so there isn't really a canon ending, per se. I know what you're thinking: it's so derivative of Shadow the Hedgehog (2005). I thought the same thing, but the developers swear they were in no way influenced by that elegant-yet-edgy game we all know and love. But who's to say if they're telling the truth? /s
Anyway, that's everything I know about Fire Emblem. I hope I infuriated all of you. I'm not a troll, but we can all agree that this is a shitpost and should be hated as such. 3 3
3rawr ,
"That Damn" 4th Chaos Emerald