A/N: Okay, this is a quick idea that I just had after reading Issue 12, which right now might just be my favorite issue of the comic so far. I just had to write it, and frankly, it seemed too big an idea to relegate to a mere entry in "Scraps and Oneshots". So, that said, read on, and enjoy this humorous little tale.
Obviously, there will be spoilers for Issue 12. Beware of that.
Disclaimer: Invader Zim and all related characters belong to Jhonen Vasquez, Nickelodeon, and Oni Press.
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The Revenge of Emperor Zim
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It was another average day in the cul-de-sac on the edge of town. The sun was high in the sky, birds were chirping in the air, and a legless war vet was sitting on his front lawn, chugging beers and watching a portable TV in his lap. Occasionally, he'd look up to stare at the ugly green house across the street, thinking that the only thing worse than such an eyesore was the annoying, loud, obnoxious green kid who lived in it, and then go back to his TV. In other words, a perfectly normal day.
So, it was bit of an oddity when a giant, swirling blue portal appeared in the air over the cul-de-sac, and a large piece of flaming metal shot out of it to crash land on the green house's lawn. The neighbor could only blink in confusion as two figures emerged from the object. The smoke was too heavy for him to really make them out, but one was moderately sized, while the other was considerably larger. As he squinted at them through the smoke, the house's lawn gnomes (clever security system; if the green boy and his parents weren't so crazy, he'd ask them where they got it) came to life and approached the figures, but after a moment, they backed away. The two figures then disappeared into the house, vanishing just as the smoke finally started to clear.
The neighbor watched all this with mild interest and confusion, but as the smoke cleared completely, leaving nothing to show for it but a scorched metal pod sitting in a small crater, he merely shrugged it off and went back to his TV. It wasn't his business, after all.
And how interesting could it really be, anyway?
XXXXXXX
Around the same time this was happening, skool was letting out for the day. Dib was walking down the building's front stairs, talking animatedly to his sister. Or, rather, talking animatedly at her, as she was doing her best to ignore him and focus on her game. It was not an easy task.
"…And then, it turned out that the flesh-eating bacteria Zim was trying to lace the cafeteria's supply of tuna surprise with was all being devoured by it," Dib rattled on, "So it turns out that I didn't need to go through all the trouble of having such an epic battle against Zim with kitchen utensils, which is annoying, but really, it was worth it all just to see the look on his face when he realized that his plan was doomed from the start-"
"Dib," Gaz hissed, "I have been trying to beat Count Hogula for almost a week. If you don't shut up and let me focus… well, you do remember what happened last time you interfered with my gaming, right?"
Dib shuddered, as horrifying memories flashed by his eyes, of being trapped inside video games and dying horrible deaths over and over again. Nope, he was not poking that bear again any time soon.
"Uh, heh, okay, never mind," he said, quickly backing away a few steps to give her some space, "Well, I'll just be quiet the-GAH!"
Dib was interrupted as something slammed into him from behind, knocking him forward to fall flat on his face on the sidewalk. Surprised but only mildly interested in what had happened, Gaz actually paused her game and looked up. To her not-surprise, she saw that the cause of the commotion was Zim, standing perched on Dib's back, obviously having bodychecked him to the ground.
"Oh, so sorry, Dib-Stink," Zim sneered sarcastically, "I must have been pulled in by the immense gravitational field of your enormous head."
Gaz snickered at that as she returned to her game, while Dib grumbled obscenities from where his face was pressed against the concrete. Zim smirked down at him for a moment, then hopped off him, giving him room to scramble to his feet.
"What's wrong, Zim? Sore that your plan was all for nothing, like usual?" Dib asked, brushing himself off and glaring at his nemesis.
"A temporary setback," Zim said dismissively, returning the glare, "But Zim will be triumphant in the end. Or have your pathetic human brain-meats already forgotten about our trip to the future? Forgotten about the magnificence of Zim's rule over this world?"
"I thought you said that you weren't going to let that future happen?" Dib asked, confused.
"No, I said that I have no intention to become an ungrateful, stuck up jerk," Zim spat, "But Zim will still conquer Earth and rule you all! Just watch!"
With that final shout, complete with finger jabbed in Dib's face, Zim turned and stomped off. Dib watched him go, frowning in contemplation.
"This really isn't good, Gaz," he said, "Knowing that Zim takes over the world in some potential future? That's bad enough on its own. But the fact that it gives him an ego boost and makes him even more determined to win is even worse. I'm going to have to be extra vigilant if I want to stay ahead of him."
"Whatever," Gaz said, focus solely on her game, "Just remember, it's Bloaty's night. Don't be late getting home; if I have to go looking for you, I won't be happy."
"Yeah, sure," Dib replied, not really paying attention. He was already planning on how he was going to more closely monitor Zim from now on. He'd dedicate himself to it, no matter what.
Though hopefully without turning into a disgusting blob this time.
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A short while later, Zim stood in front of his base, staring in confusion at the crater in his lawn, and the drag trail next to it. It looked as though something had hit the ground outside his house, and then been dragged inside. But what could have done this?
"GIR!" he shouted as he marched through the door, shedding his disguise as he did so, "Something crashed in the lawn! Do you know anything about this?"
"Master, master!" GIR yelled happily as he ran up to Zim, hopping up and down in place in front of him excitedly, "Guess what?"
"Zim has no time for guessing games!" he snapped in response, "Just tell me!"
"We came to visit!" GIR replied.
"What?" Zim asked, staring at GIR in confusion, "We visited what?"
"Us!" GIR said, tongue sticking out in his excitement.
"GIR, you're making less sense than usual," Zim said, crossing his arms in annoyance, "Just tell me plainly what you're talking about!"
"You and me came to visit us," GIR said, as if that nonsensical statement explained anything. Just as a frustrated and confused Zim was about to yell at him, GIR suddenly perked up even more and waved at something behind Zim.
"Hi me!" he said. And before a confused Zim could turn around to see what GIR was looking at, something suddenly grabbed both of them around their necks and lifted them up into the air, Zim's legs dangling uselessly, while GIR just giggled, not even remotely fighting it. After a few moments of struggling, Zim finally managed to turn his head to see what was holding him, and his eyes widened in shock.
He was being held aloft by a robot. And not just any robot, but the muscular, three-headed robot known as GIRT, GIR's future self. But, how could he be here? Unless…
A familiar evil laugh emerged from the corner of the room. Following it with his gaze, he found a swiveling arm chair sitting in that darkened corner, facing the wall. As he watched, it suddenly spun around, revealing the figure sitting sinisterly in it.
"You!" Zim exclaimed in shock.
"Hello, Zim. Good to see you again," Emperor Zim said with a smirk. Zim's future self looked exactly as he remembered — purple cloak thrown over his shoulders, large spiky crown perched on his head, goatee growing to a point out of his chin, and high-heeled boots on his feet adding several inches to his height.
"But, how can you be here?" Zim demanded, "And why are you here? And where did that chair come from?"
"Well, that's quite a bit of a story," Emperor Zim said, leaning back into the chair as he began to explain, "You see-"
"No, seriously, we've never had a chair like that before," Zim interrupted, confusion overriding his shock for a moment, "Did you bring it with you?"
"That's not important," Emperor Zim said, frowning in annoyance at the interruption, "Now, as I was saying-"
"And why were you facing the corner already when I got here?" Zim asked, not noticing his counterpart's growing frustration, "Were you just sitting there waiting for me to show up? For how long?"
"SILENCE!" Emperor Zim screeched, one eye twitching in rage, before he reached up and massaged his forehead, "Gah, how was I ever such a simpleton?"
"Who are you calling simple?" Zim demanded, "Zim is a genius!"
"Oh, then why is it that all your plans always fail?" Emperor Zim asked, "Why is it that only when you matured into me that this world was conquered? Eh, eh, eh?'"
"Zim doesn't need to listen to this nonsense!" Zim snapped, "Computer! Eliminate these intruders!"
Claws and laser cannons descended from the ceiling, the latter humming to life, but Emperor Zim didn't look concerned. Instead, he merely glanced up at the ceiling with a flat expression.
"Cancel that order," he stated simply.
The laser cannons powered down, and they and the claws withdrew to where they'd come from.
"What the-? How'd you do that?" Zim demanded.
"This base is programmed to obey you, and I'm you," Emperor Zim replied, "It can't tell the difference. But, just to be on the safe side — GIRT, shut him up!"
GIRT's chest panel opened up, and a packing tape gun emerged. Zim realized what was about to happen, but before he could protest, a strip of tape was wrapped around his head, sealing his mouth shut. Emperor Zim mockingly leaned forward and held a hand up to where a human's ear would be, listening intently as his younger self grunted incoherently at him through the tape.
"What's that? I can't hear you," he said with a sneer, "But, now that you've finally shut up, allow me to explain how I came to be here.
"After you screwed up the Planetary Scary Fast Drive, the entire planet was sent hurtling into the past. By the time I shut it down, we were practically in the Big Bang! And the drive was only ever meant to be used once, to take it to the Tallest, so it was burnt out and completely useless, leaving me stranded in the past.
"Fortunately, I was able to salvage just enough of the drive and combine it with a ship to ensure that I could escape to another time period. Then I set it to bring me to this time, so I could exact my revenge. After I blew up Earth, of course."
"What?!"
The shout caught everyone by surprise, and everyone craned their heads — all three of them, in GIRT's case — upwards to see the source of it. And there, dangling among the ceiling's cables and wires wearing a stealth suit, was the very clear figure of Dib, holding a camera.
"Uh, hi?" he stated meekly.
"GIRT, seize him!" Emperor Zim ordered. GIRT tossed his younger self aside, and reached up to grab the human before he could run away. In the process, Dib dropped his camera, which GIRT promptly stepped on, crushing on.
"Hey, I just bought that!" Dib complained.
"Ah, the Dib," Emperor Zim said, stroking his beard contemplatively, "I'd almost forgotten about you. But I'm glad you're here — I get to relive the joy of killing you all over again.
"But, to answer your obvious question, yes, I did blow up Earth before leaving to come here. Didn't want to leave any unfinished business. Speaking of which, I think we've put this off long enough. Time for me to take revenge on my younger, stupider self here," he continued, glaring at where the younger Zim was still struggling in GIRT's grip. GIR, meanwhile, got up from where he'd been tossed and looked at the gathering in confusion.
"But wait," he said, "If you destroy Master, he won't become you, so you won't be able to come back and destroy him, so he will become you, so you'll come back and destroy him, so he won't become you, so you won't come back and destroy him, so he will become you, so-"
SPZZTTT!
GIR's head panel popped off with a burst of smoke, and his eyes switched off, before he collapsed face forward. Everyone else blinked at that, staring in an awkward silence for a moment before Emperor Zim shook it off and turned back to the others.
"Uh, anyway, no, I'm not going to destroy you, not exactly," he said to his counterpart, "After all, that hunk of junk was right — if I destroy you, I destroy myself. So, instead, I am going to switch our brains!"
"Huh?" Dib asked, Zim echoing the sentiment through the tape.
"If I destroy you, I create a paradox," Emperor Zim explained, "But if I switch bodies with you and destroy you in my body, you're still destroyed but I survive in your body in order to start over again."
"Wait, that still doesn't make any sense," Dib interrupted, "I mean, you in Zim's body would still be you, not him. So, he wouldn't become you, which is still a paradox, so, uh-"
"Shut your noise hole!" Emperor Zim demanded, "GIRT, shut him up!"
Moments later, Dib also had his mouth taped shut, and GIRT was carrying him and Zim after Emperor Zim, as he walked towards another corner of the room, which split apart to reveal an elevator. The group squeezed into it, and began descending to Zim's underground labs.
"As I was saying," Emperor Zim said said, slightly disgruntled, "By scrapping together a few parts from the ship that brought me here and modifying some of the brain scanning equipment here in the base, I can create a machine that will swap our brains. After that, I will vaporize you — and Dib too, for fun — at which point I will be free to re-conquer this pitiful planet, and this time, no one will get in my way!"
As he finished that proclamation, the elevator came to a stop, and the group emerged from it into a large hanger. Nearby, the charred wreck of an Irken vessel of some kind — clearly the one that had brought Emperor Zim to the present — sat suspended on a platform, cable and wires already connecting it to a nearby set of computer consoles.
"Now then, let's begin," Emperor Zim said with a cackle.
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Quite some time later, Emperor Zim stepped back from his work. A pair of what looked like beauty saloon hair dryer chairs sat in the middle of the room, connected by a series of cables. These cable fed into the "dryer" portions of the chairs, which held helmets filled with various prongs, drills, and other equipment.
Looking it over, he nodded to himself and turned back to where GIRT was stilling holding Zim and Dib. The latter had at some point given up on his fruitless attempts to break free, but the former was still struggling and cursing through his gag. Marching over, Emperor Zim lifted himself up on his PAK legs until he was at level with the two captives, and in one move reached out to rip the tape off of both of their mouths.
As both human and Irken yelped in pain, Emperor Zim stepped back and smirked at them.
"If you want to get in any last groveling or begging, now would be the time, because soon, you'll just be screaming in agony," he gloated.
"Release Zim now or you will be the one in agony!" Zim screeched, "So much agony! So completely agonizing will your agony be that they'll have to come up with a new word for agony that goes beyond mere agony to-"
"Stop saying 'agony'!" Emperor Zim snapped, "Just using the same word over and over again does not help make a point!"
"Wow, stupid in stereo," a familiar but unexpected voice suddenly cut in, "There's something you don't see every day."
Everyone's heads snapped over to where the voice had come from, to see Gaz stepping into the room from the elevator.
"Gaz!" Dib exclaimed, "What are you doing here?"
"I told you not to be late coming home for Bloaty's," she responded with a scowl, crossing her arms in annoyance.
"Uh… oops?" Dib said with a nervous smile. Emperor Zim, meanwhile, lowered off his spider legs and marched over to stand a few feet in front of Gaz, smirking condescendingly down at her.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the Dib-Sister," he said, "I have to admit, I'd almost forgotten you existed. Though I have to ask, how did you get in here?"
"The front door was open," Gaz replied evenly, causing Emperor Zim's jaw to drop.
"Ha!" Zim laughed triumphantly, "Still think you're so much smarter than me, when you just let your enemies walk into your base?"
"You do that all the time!" Emperor Zim snarled, turning back to yell at him, "That literally just happened with the Dib when I got here!"
"You're making that up!"
While the two Zims yelled at each — much to Dib's irritation, as he was right next to one of them and couldn't cover his ears — Gaz looked the older one over, raising an eyebrow as her gaze fell on his high-heel-clad feet.
"Nice boots," she commented. Emperor Zim cut off his latest insult at his younger self and turned back to her in mild confusion, before puffing his chest out in narcissistic pride.
"Yes, I know," he preened, "Their genuine Slaughtering Rat Person leather. I should know, I killed and skinned them myself."
"Uh-huh. Do they come in men's sizes?" she asked with a smirk. Emperor Zim stared in confusion for a moment, but when he heard Dib snort and Zim cackle in amusement, his face contorted with rage.
"Insolent wretch!" he seethed, "You dare insult your superiors?! Well, you know what, I'm actually glad you did show up, just to remind me how much I dislike you. Now, once I'm done with young me and your meddlesome fool of a brother, I'll destroy you like I didn't get a chance to in my own time!"
"Yeah, I doubt that," Gaz replied casually.
"Oh, is that right?" Emperor Zim huffed, "Well, just you watch! First, I'll implant a probe in your mind, and make you my slave for the rest of your life. Then, I'll make you watch as I blow up all those disgusting pizza restaurants you like so much!"
"…What?" Gaz asked with a dangerous calm, as all the temperature and light seemed to start to drain from the room.
"You heard me!" Emperor Zim sneered, oblivious to her shift in attitude, "And then, I'll also destroy all your precious video games. In fact, I think I'll make your brainwashed body do it while you're trapped inside your mind with no way to stop yourself!"
Gaz growled, the room almost going pitch black, while inversely she started to glow with a dark-pitched light. Emperor Zim was still too absorbed in his threat monologue to notice, but everyone else certainly did.
"Oh, dude, seriously," Dib said, feeling slightly sympathetic for what was about to happen, "You should stop. Right now."
Naturally, he went unnoticed, as the monologuing continued, "And then, since you'll already be my slave, I think I'll make you my maid and force you to clean my palace with your tongue! And then-"
BAM!
Emperor Zim was finally cut off, as a fist plowed into his face hard enough to send him flying across the room, punching a hole straight through the brain switching machine, and then slamming into the opposite wall, leaving a dent in it before falling to the floor in a heap. Vision spinning — literally, as his eye implants had been knocked loose — he simply sat there in a daze for several moments. When he finally got ahold of himself and popped his eyes back into place, he looked up to see Gaz floating in midair, surrounded by a blood red aura that filled all who looked upon it with primal dread.
"I hope you like nightmare worlds, because you're about to enter one!" she hissed. Emperor Zim's eyes widened in terror, and he scuttled backwards as she advanced on him.
"GIRT! Defend me!"
At the order, all six of the large robot's eyes turned red. Unceremoniously dropping Zim and Dib to the ground, he marched over towards the floating Gaz, weapons deploying from his back. However, before he had a chance to use any of them, she backhanded him in the face of his left head. The blow caused it to slam into the center head, which slammed into the right one, at which point GIRT fell over altogether, hitting the floor with a crash. With that slight distraction out of the way, Gaz turned her attention back to Emperor Zim, who jumped to his feet and started running around the room, Gaz chasing after him.
"…So, should we help, or what?" Dib asked, from where he and Zim had gotten to their feet and were watching the whole display.
"You do whatever you like, Dib," Zim said dismissively, as he started making his way over to Emperor Zim's ship, "I'm going to make sure that smug, overbearing jerk never darkens Zim's base with his presence again!"
Dib watched Zim get to work tinkering with the ship, and was contemplating either helping him or risking getting involved in his sister's pursuit of Emperor Zim, when a shadow fell over him. Looking up, Dib's face paled as he saw that GIRT had gotten back up and was now towering over him, all six eyes narrowed in a glare.
"Uh, hi!" Dib said with false cheer, backing away quickly in a panic, GIRT matching his pace as he marched after him, hands outstretching threateningly towards Dib. Just before he could be grabbed though, he had a sudden idea, and desperately put it into motion.
"Wait! Just let me ask one question!" He shouted, and GIRT paused to stare at him, obviously beckoning him to continue, "You're not going to destroy GIR too, are you? 'Cause, that would be pretty bad for you."
"Of course not," GIRT growled, "If my past self is destroyed, he can never become me, which would mean that I could never come back here to aid my master… which means he wouldn't be destroyed, so he would become me, so I would come back here and he'd be destroyed, so he wouldn't become me…"
As Dib had hoped, the robot was entrapped by the circular logic of the paradox, and leaned back from him as his eyes switched back to blue, staring off into space as he ran the scenario over and over.
"…So I couldn't come back, so he wouldn't be destroyed, and he would become me, and I would come back, and he would be destroyed, so I couldn't come back, so he would be destroyed…"
SPZZTTT! SPZZTTT! SPZZTTT!
And also just as Dib had hoped, GIRT suffered the same fate GIR had earlier, all three of his heads popping open in smoke and sizzling fried circuits. Dib smirked in delight at his quick ploy working, but then yelped and had to jump aside to avoid being crushed as GIRT fell forward. As the dust settled from that, Dib once more overlooked the scene unfolding around him — Zim was still doing something to the ship, and Gaz seemed to have cornered Emperor Zim.
Despite feeling momentary pity for his nemesis' future self, Dib didn't want to risk Gaz's anger by getting involved. And he simply could not bring himself to help Zim with anything, ever. So, he might as well sit back and wait to see what happened.
Meanwhile, Gaz had in fact finally caught Emperor Zim, and was now lifting him in the air by his goatee with one hand. At the same time, her free hand reached out and ripped a pipe out of the wall, which she hefted like a club.
"Stop struggling and take it like a man," she growled, as Emperor Zim kept struggling in her grasp.
"Never! Release me, devil-girl!" he shouted, twisting in her grip and clawing at her. Unfortunately for him, the only effect this had was making her madder. She pulled the pipe in preparation to strike, and yanked his head back for a better angle…
RIIIPPPP!
…And blinked in surprise as the goatee tore free completely, Emperor Zim falling to the floor without anything to hold him up. Gaz arched an eyebrow at that, looking down at the torn free but otherwise intact beard, and the Irken rubbing at the slightly discolored but unharmed bare patch of skin on his chin it had been torn from.
"Seriously?" she asked, "It was a glued-on beard? That's just dumb."
"I don't have to explain my fashion choices to you, worm-baby!" Emperor Zim shouted, still rubbing his smarting chin, "And just for that, I am going to-"
"Dib-Sister!" Zim yelled from where he was now standing atop the platform next to the ship, "If you want to get rid of him, send him over here!"
Gaz paused and considered it for a minute, then grabbed Emperor Zim by the collar before he could react, and tossed him across the room. He hit the platform and bounced across it, tumbling to a stop at his younger self's feet. He glared up at himself, as Zim smirked down at him.
"Zim will give you one chance," he said, as the Emperor got to his feet, "Take your robot and leave now in disgrace, or I'll send you to your doom!"
"Never!" Emperor Zim snarled, PAK legs deploying and crackling with energy, "I am Zim! Emperor and conqueror of Earth! The greatest Invader in the history of the Irken Empire! And I will not be defeated by a pair of human smeets and an idiot like you! I am invincible! I am unstoppable! I-GAH!"
He was cut off as something large slammed into him, carrying him into the ship, where they hit the interior wall with a crash. Looking in, Zim saw that the object was GIRT, still offline and now pinning his master to the floor. Turning his attention in the direction the robot had come from, he saw Gaz still standing a position that suggested having just thrown something, while Dib stood next to her, looking impressed.
"Nice toss," he commented.
"That idiot talks too much," she replied, brushing her hands off before glaring at Zim, "If you're going to get rid of him, just do it already!"
Annoyed at being ordered, but knowing that he was going to do what she said anyway, Zim stepped away from the ship and pulled out a remote. Pressing a few buttons, he jumped off the platform and watched as the ship's engines whined to life, and it tilted up to face the ceiling. Said ceiling opened up, revealing the open sky. A moment later, the ship blasted off, moving so fast that it ripped open a massive portal, which swallowed the ship in a roar that almost drowned out Emperor Zim's scream of incoherent rage.
The three stared at the portal as it closed, at which point the ceiling closed, and an uneasy quiet fell over the room. Zim tossed aside the remote and brushed off his hands, while Gaz dismissed her aura and tossed aside the pipe she was still carrying. Dib stared at the closed ceiling for a moment longer, before turning to Zim.
"So, where did you send him?" he asked.
"Eh, I don't know," Zim shrugged, "I set the coordinates at random, and programmed the Scary Fast Drive to self-destruct after they land wherever they end up, so they'll be stuck there."
"That's great," Gaz said halfheartedly, "Now let's go, Dib."
"That's right, get out of Zim's base!" Zim exclaimed, "For the mild help you've provided, I'll let you leave in peace, but if you don't go right now, I'll… uh… turn your heads into turkeys!"
"That doesn't make any sense!" Dib snapped.
"Lies!"
SMACK!
The argument was stopped dead in its tracks, as Gaz picked up the dropped pipe and threw it in Zim's face, knocking him out. Dib blinked in surprise at that, and then turned to see Gaz now glaring at him, the early stages of her aura starting to show again.
"We're. Going. Now," she said firmly.
"Uh, right, let's go!" he said, quickly walking towards the elevator. As Gaz got on, it ascended to the surface, leaving Zim groaning back to consciousness on the floor.
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In another time and place, the sun was rising over a wild and primal forest. The quiet tranquility of it all was suddenly broken as GIRT came running out of the trees, carrying the now extremely damaged ship, which Emperor Zim was perched atop of, staring back in the direction they'd come from.
"Faster, GIRT! Faster!" he ordered, while behind them, a pair of Tyrannosaurs came bursting out of the trees. They roared, and kept up the chase.
"Curse you, Zim! Curse you!" Emperor Zim screamed at his not-present past self, as they ran off through the prehistoric jungle, the dinosaurs maintaining pace behind them.
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The End
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A/N: There we go. A quickie out of the way before I forgot about it or lost the inspiration for it. Now I can focus on the next New Adventures chapter.
Hope you all enjoyed it.
Read and review!