Katniss -

It doesn't seem to matter even when I follow Snow's rules. The Districts are on the verge of rebellion. What does he expect me to do? He's playing another game with me and I can't win. But I keep trying anyways.

I stick to Effie's cards after the fiasco in District 11. I let Peeta take the lead, only voicing my rehearsed lines when it feels appropriate. But it has no impact. If anything, it only riles the crowds up more. They seem to know that I am towing the Capitol line and they are dissatisfied with my performance. I am their puppet and the people are angry with me now.

"Convince me," Snow had told me. My only hope of survival, of Peeta's survival, is that Snow and the Capital believe us. But my sinking suspicion is that it is all useless. A waste of whatever little time I'll have left when he's done with me for failing.

After the District Tour, we race to the Capitol for the grand finale. I feel hollow inside, sure that I have failed Snow's mission. The nightmares are getting worse too the nearer we get. I barely sleep the final length of the trip, even with Peeta curled up beside me. His arms are like a shield, but even they can't hold back the flood of fear I feel.

When we arrive, the Capitol is a sea of indulgence and excess as always. I make an effort to enjoy myself for the show of it, tasting bits of the dishes stacked high on gleaming tables. Fountains of food and Champaign line the outer edges of the President's Mansion garden. Every splendor the Capitol has to offer is on display. Even when I am stuffed on baked clams from District 4 and jellied pears from District 11, I feel hollow. This place is shallow, it's a lie.

"I've had enough." Peeta scowls at the flutes of pink liquid being passed by the Avoxes to the party guests. "People are starving in the Districts and these people actually make a party of throwing it up so they can stuff themselves again."

I understand his displeasure. I almost died at the age of 11 when my father died in the mines. I wasn't old enough to sign up for tesserae, and I was too young to fall prey to men of fortune like Cray (the head Peacekeeper). If it hadn't been for Peeta, I would have starved to death for sure. Right alongside with my mother and Prim.

"I need to get out of here," Peeta says through clenched teeth. I can't agree with him more. I've had enough of this charade.

Our rooms are in the Training Facility penthouse. The same place we stayed before going into the Arena for the 74th Hunger Games. Peeta turns away to head for his room but I catch his hand.

"Please, stay with me."

He catches my eyes. The bright blue irises search mine. I don't know what he sees there. Fear? Anger? I'm a mess of emotions, I don't even know myself. But he smiles and squeezes my hand. "Always."

I let Peeta leave me to change into his night clothes, but he is back in my room no sooner than I've turned down the silk sheets. We crawl into bed together as we have every night on the train since the Victory Tour began. Peeta props himself up on the pillows and I settle down next to him, curling my legs up against his and laying my head upon his chest. His arms wrap around me and I can feel his fingers playing with my hair.

It's comfort for my swimming head. I'm not used to drinking alcohol like Haymitch is and I had more than one glass of Champaign at the party. My eyes droop and it's only a matter of minutes before I fall asleep.

I'm back in the Arena. I can hear Rue shrieking my name. I'm running through the trees, not caring how loud I'm being. All I know is that I have to get to her.

I see the net. I see her thrashing helplessly. And then she's been stabbed and I let a single arrow fly. I've avenged my friend, but I'm too late. I'm always too late.

Rue's eyes are clouding over as I hold her in my arms.

"Katniss," her voice is a tremble and she gurgles blood as she stares up at me with those pleading, doe eyes. "Will you sing for me?"

It costs me everything to not lose it. But I say my good-bye again. I sing for her about the mountains in District 12. The Mockingjays pick up the song and sing it back to me as I cover her body with flowers. I place three fingers to my lips and I raise my left hand into the air. I am resentful of all the Capitol has made me do. I am rebelling. I am a spark.

Snow is in my house. He is telling me to convince him of my love for Peeta. He is threatening my family and Gale. He is threatening all I know, all I love. He is forcing me into a life with Peeta. He is taking even that way from me. It's not my decision.

I try to tell him, "No." And I see the consequences of my actions. I see my family hanging from the trees of my hunting grounds. I see District 12 in ashes. I see Gale's pale face stuck on a fence post as a warning for anyone else who dares defy the Capitol. But it's not until I see what waits in the blackened shell of the bakery that I begin to shriek my head off.

"Katniss!"

My whole body is thrashing. I can't control myself as my arms flail wildly. There are hands on my arms and I rake my fingers into skin.

"It's a nightmare," I hear Peeta's voice calling to me through the haze of my nightmare. "Katniss! Shh! I'm here!"

The fog of sleep leaves my brain and I remember where I am. I'm in the penthouse of the Training Center. I'm in my bed. He's alive.

I shake my head to clear it again and as my eyes adjust to the darkness, I can see the claw marks I have left on Peeta's forearms. I have wounded him, but he is staring at me with only one concern. Only one care in the world. Me.

I'm a foolish girl. I'm self-centered. I keep trying to save the people around me, but I keep hurting them. I keep failing them.

The weight of the world is too much for one seventeen year old to bare. I lose it then. A sob escapes and I cannot stop it. I don't have the strength anymore. I've spent it all for Snow and for his show. I'm broken.

The bed creaks as Peeta shifts. He draws me to his chest, his chin resting on my hair as he feathers kisses upon my head. He coos softly to me, rocking gently as I cry against him and I am stunned again by the depths of his love for me. I'm struck, once again, by how I've hurt him by playing into Snow's demands.

I wrap my arms around Peeta's back and I pull him closer to me, trying to melt into his skin. I'm tired of being me. I want to absorb some of Peeta's strength because I've given all of mine. And it strikes me then. There's a hunger that I felt once before, but I didn't know how to describe it. I was too terrified then, and what does it matter now? I've already pledged my life to Peeta by order of the Capitol. For the sake of the Districts. What can it harm me now to take something for myself?

There is no audience. There are no camaras. This is for myself and for Peeta. It may be my last chance. I'm going to seize it. If he'll let me.

I've done so much in the past few months to forget about the Arena. To forget about the pledges I made to Peeta then. Because, when I got home, I honestly wasn't sure where we stood. Was it love? Was it all a show? Was it to survive? What does any of it matter when our lives are no longer our own anyways? I just hope that we're on the same page. He must know, deep inside, that I'm not as indifferent to him as Snow would believe.

My right hand slides slowly up Peeta's back, over his silk nightshirt and my fingers wrap into his beautiful blond hair. I can feel his body relax, his grip on my shoulders isn't as forced, but he doesn't let go. I swirl the fingertips of my left hand over his back, moving to the low arch of his spine and he exhales a shuddery breath.

"Katniss?" His question is of my intentions and I don't feel the need to speak. He's always been the one good at talking. I've always believed that actions speak louder than words.

I tilt my head up and I stare into his deep blue eyes. I try to show him everything I'm thinking in that one glance. I'm not certain he gets my full meaning, but I have other ways of showing him. His lips are soft and salty. Peeta moans into my kiss, letting me nibble on his lower lip as he rolls me onto his chest.

I cradle his face with my hands as I continue to kiss him, my legs straddling his sides and I can feel something hard poking my abdomen between us.

I'm not naive but it catches me off guard when Peeta rolls his hips upwards against me, driving the hardness between his legs into my belly. I can't help the startled gasp.

Peeta freezes in an instant. His blue eyes snap into sharp focus and a line of worry creases his brow.

"I'm sorry," he tells me and I hate myself for making him worry. I wash away his fear with a swift kiss and I whisper reassuringly, "I'm fine." It doesn't quell his worry.

"We should stop," he tells me, but I don't agree. I don't want to stop. I want this. I want to hold onto something. Something the Capitol can never take away from me. I shake my head. "Please," I whisper against his ear. "Please, Peeta. Just... give me this one night to be mine and only mine."

I don't know where the words come from, but the tears edging at the corner of my eyes are telling me they're true. I've never been more true to my heart than this moment. With my family and District 12 so far away and Peeta so close, it seems so simple. There are no games here. There are only the two of us. We are the only thing that is real.

Peeta can't dismiss the truth in my words. He kisses the trail of tears that course down my face. His lips are sweet and soft as ever, but as they close around mine, I feel the hunger inside of him as well.

I'm rolling again as he switches places with me. I part my legs so that he can sink his between mine. He's strong and my hands explore the curves and lines of every muscle in his chest beneath his nightshirt before I yank it up and over his head, tousling his blond hair. The space between us is too much and I pull him back down to me.

I can feel the heat coming off him through my nightgown. His hands are hot as coals as they slide over my calves and then my thighs. I know his intention when his hands slip beneath my nightgown, grasping my bottom in both hands with a lingering squeeze before sliding me up into a sitting position so that he can relieve me of the shift.

I'm aware that I'm exposed to him. Goosebumps run across my arms and my chest as I sit on the bed with Peeta kneeling over my lap. His eyes are raking my skin, taking in the exposed flesh that graces his sight.

"Have..." words have never failed Peeta before but he seems to have become speechless. I press my hand against his chest and I can feel his heart thrumming like a hummingbird. He's scared. I'm scared too. Scared what this will mean for the both of us. What it will mean for our families. What it will mean for Gale and I.

Then I remember. There is no Gale and I. There will never be because I was never given the choice. I was a pawn in the Capitol's games and, in a moment of defiance, I saved the boy in front of me. My life was forever entwined with his then and there. This was only a matter of time. But it's my choosing. Mine.

I take Peeta's trembling hands in both of mine and I guide them to my breasts. I've never let a boy touch me before, but I've heard things from the other girls in District 12. There are enough stories about Peacekeeper Cray to give a girl nightmares; but, when it's by choice, I've heard it can be pleasurable. And Peeta is the gentlest creature I've ever encountered - maybe second to Prim. I'm safe with him. I have to let him know he's safe with me as well.

I only have to guide Peeta for a few slow strokes before he gets the courage to take on the challenge himself. It's all for the best because I've honestly never touched myself before. I'm not sure what this fire is inside of me, but I'm burning under the twists and rubs that Peeta orchestrates over my breasts. When his lips surround an areola, I'm caught off guard by the sensation it sends rippling down my spine into my feet and it fuels the fire in my loins.

Peeta lays me back down against the pillow and his kisses grow needier as I allow him to explore my body. I whimper when he hits an unknown cluster of nerves. I take note of them in my mind, making a map of the areas I never even knew I had that could give me such pleasure. There's the underside of my wrists. There's the hollow of my knee and the cleft where my thigh rounds into my butt-cheek. There's a swoop in my stomach when Peeta's tongue laps around my navel. It's not the best sensation, it feels like I'm falling, but Peeta is there to catch me.

I'm burning for him and I'm growing impatient. I want time to stop so that we can lie like this forever, but I know that tomorrow is coming. We'll have to go back to our lives as Snow's Pawns. If I had forever, I would let him continue. But all I have is tonight.

It takes some effort to get Peeta to switch places with me. He tries to resist, but I'm stubborn and he obliges to lie on his back for me. It is my turn to explore him. I want to know what it takes to make him breath heavier. I need to know him. I only have this night to enjoy him as mine, as my choice… my terms.

I run my hands all along his abdomen. I place kisses across his chest and his stomach. I hear a catch in his breath as I near the tuft of silky hair that stretches from below his navel to his pelvis. He is eager to help me when I reach his silk bottoms and begin to tug them down his legs. I can't help brushing my hand over his manhood as I slide them off. It's already engorged. The mushroom cap is pink and glistening.

I can't help myself staring at him. He's lying beneath me, as exposed as I am. We are at each other's mercy. Our trust is as strong as it ever was in the Arena. He trusts me. I trust him. I trust him more than anyone else in my life. My words will never be enough. I have to show him.

When I drop my head to his pelvis, Peeta lets out a breathy moan that he must have been holding back. It's as though all the air in his lungs is expelled in that one exhale of pleasure. I don't know what I'm doing, but I'm willing to try anything for him.

I feel like a silly child as my tongue flicks out quickly for the first taste of him. He's salty and sweet. I'm not sure what I'd expected, if I'd been expecting anything at all. All I know is that I like the taste and I want more.

The shaft is too long to completely wrap my mouth around, but I'm determined to try. When I fail, I accept that I must find another way to keep those moans coming from Peeta's lips. I flick my tongue around the tip and I find the pulsating vein that runs the length of the underside. It's worth a shot and I've always been adventurous.

I slide my tongue up and down the vein, lapping at the tip and I'm rewarded the most delicious moans from Peeta's mouth. His body is shivering beneath my kisses and I can feel his whole body tensing.

"Katniss," he breaths anxiously and knots his hands in my hair. I'm pleased that he's happy.

I never knew that I could do this to a man. I'd never wanted to before... and I have to stop myself. I'm not thinking about that right now. I'm in the present. I have to stay present for him. I can't get lost in my own head. He deserves more than that.

Peeta's arms are around my biceps. He's forcing me away from his midriff and I go reluctantly. I'm rewarded though. As soon as I am on my back, he slides between my legs and I can feel his arousal nudging gently at my entrance.

I can't help squeezing the muscles tight. It's an involuntary reflex. My mind has already decided but my body is scared and behaving on its own.

Peeta slides the tip of his manhood around my slit. I can feel how wet I am between my legs already, but the going is slow. We don't use words to communicate, we use our bodies. His blue eyes stare into mine as he eases slowly inside. I have to shift my pelvis to give him better access and then I feel the tear.

I can't help the grimace or the grunt of pain that I make any more than Peeta can keep the worry from his face. "Katniss?" His voice shakes as he searches my face. "Have I hurt you?"

My body aches but I can also feel the muscles begin to relax around his shaft, accepting him. Welcoming him. I shake my head to brush aside his worry. I reach my arms up and pull him down against me, my lips locking onto his. Our tongues entwine as I bite back the pain. He lays absolutely still until I'm ready. Only when I begin to writhe against him does he relax. That's when my world shatters.

There is nothing in the world except Peeta and I. We are two made one as our bodies move together. It's awkward at first. I grind upwards as he's trying to withdraw, but we find a rhythm. Steady and sure. His body pushes into mine and I rise up, pushing him farther into me.

Time stands still for this moment. It is only Peeta and I. This is all I can give him. This is the real me. This is me without games and without masters dictating my every move. I am free. I am his and he is mine.

When we cum, it is together. I feel warmth spreading inside of me just as Peeta sends me over the ledge of the precipice he has me writhing on. He shudders atop me, releasing his seed deep within me as I shiver beneath. I miss his warmth the moment he slides out of me, but it's quickly replaced by the inferno of his chest as he flips me onto my side so that I can rest my head in the crook of his shoulder.

"Katniss, I-"

"Shh," I tell him quickly, shaking my head. I don't want him to spoil this moment by telling me what I already know. I don't need words. I don't need to hear them again because I already know and I fear Snow will take that away from me too.

What matters is that I have him here and he has all of me. Even if it's only for a night…