AN: This is a little something I wrote up to get back in the groove. It's been so long since I got off my (Actually, I guess got ON in this case.) ass and got some writing done. I have a co authored fic with someone which hasn't been updated for almost 3 years now... So I guess its high time too. I haven't really decided what to do with this piece though. If you guys like it, I may continue it. If not; then it will just be another story lost in the sea of fanfiction. Either way, my co-authored fic will be the main priority. Hell, even that is gonna have to wait because I will be moving to a new place over the next few days. So it might be a while till I get around to this. 'Tis life I guess?
Oh! And I've never tried writing in first person in such a way until now. And my punctuational skills could use some work. (Notice the army of commas and run-on sentences) I apologize in advance if that is the case. However, 'tis completely legible and easy to follow. All I can say is that I tried my best.
Without further ado, I present to you Shards!
o0o
Through eyes not my own, I watched. It was the same play which I have seen hundreds, if not thousands, of times already. The same room, with the same scene being acted out. The cast never changed; Looking likewise throughout all this time. Never aging, never changing, and most definitely never straying from the arrangement. By all means they were professionals. How could they not be with so much practice? The receptionist behind the counter with her confident smile who spoke with a cheerful tone to the customers. The older manager who sat at his desk filing papers in the same way he always did. The mother whose voice held traces of reservation while still having touches of warmth within.
Then there was my favorite. A sweet little girl who always started off reading her book, a childlike wonder about her seemingly being drawn from the pictures upon the page.
It was an average day. Nothing exciting happening, no special occasions or anything of the sort. Just a another day.
Or so you would think.
When a man enters the scene, the atmosphere grows very unsettling as a heavy tension spreads about. He was looking worse for wear in his worn out jacket, faded pants, and old hat which had stray fibers poking out from various places. All eyes were on him as he slowly stalked up to the counter; an aura of desperation surrounding him. Suddenly there is screaming. Some of them are orders being thrown about, and others; ones of terror as the patrons cower in fear. The next moments fly by so fast they are but mere blurs in the background. A shout in pain is heard, a struggle follows. I am blinded by flashes of white, then deafened by the clash of thunder.
When my vision returns, all that is left is that little girl, sitting there unflinchingly, eyes dead to the world around her. The area is engulfed in dark, a lone light overhead casting the only rays upon her. Soon she is surrounded by images of others her age. They point fingers and yell at the girl. Their words; mute to all but the child in front of me. Her face becomes one of pure misery, tears flowing freely down the young girl's cheeks. My heart breaks as I watch the happenings in front of me unfold. I want nothing more than to wrap the child up in my arms and tell her that everything will be okay. But I can do nothing. I am but a spectator. Forced to observe as the girl in front of me falls apart little by little, more and more, one piece at a time.
That's when it happens. From within the crowd another child appears; this one is different. He slowly makes his way past the rapidly fading images and comes to a stop in front of the girl. Through her tear stricken gaze, she recognizes this person, his short black hair in a state of constant bedhead, as all boys his age seem to have. But he wasn't like the others. He wouldn't hurt her. In fact, he had been the only one to reach out in comfort.
Suddenly, I regain my being as I hear a voice from beside me; I actually existed again. No longer just a disembodied specter. I was real.
"Do you remember the promise I made you?"
How could I ever forget?
The softest of smiles spreads across my features as I felt a hand lightly intertwine with mine. I didn't even need to look to know whose it was, but I did anyway. Standing there with the same messy hair he always had was that little boy; all grown up. Even after all these years he never left, he stayed with me.
Returning my eyes to the young duo I felt at ease. There before me, the boy had pulled the girl to her feet and held her in a soft embrace. It was heart warming to see, but what really made it so was the words he spoke. The ones that I have held close to me for such a long time.
They spoke in unison. The boy from then; and the one with me now.
"I'll always be here for you as long as you need me."
o0o
A loud chime rocked me from my slumber, its powerful ring vibrating all the way through my core. It rang out once again, and then a third time, before silence once more reigned. A small scraping sound was soon heard, before many more followed its lead in a melodic sort of way.
But before any of us could leave, a voice spoke. "Your homework will be posted within the hour. As usual, it will need to be completed and sent to me via email before prep period Monday morning. You also need to study chapters six point one through six point five, as we will be having a quiz over quadratics as well. Other than that you are all free to go. Class dismissed."
And with that, the mad rush to get out of the room began. What was the picture perfect classroom setting dissolved into the clutter of everyone collecting their belongings, and the animated voices of friends telling each other their plans for the weekend. Within seconds, they had disappeared out into the hallway, leaving me being one of the last to remain.
Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I found that I had left the page open for the notes I had been typing up, rectifying my mishap I touched the save icon before closing out the page. With a few more strokes on the holographic keyboard, I was rewarded with a "Have a nice day!" message that stretched across the entirety of the surface of my desk.
Cupping a hand over my mouth, I stifled a yawn that was trying to make its way to the surface. I was completely and utterly exhausted. I haven't been able to sleep more than an hour or two at a time due to the constant flow of nightmares that have been plaguing me for a few months now. This last week has been especially brutal as I have caught a case of bronchitis that has been going around. I have been up almost constantly every-night hacking my lungs up whenever I try to lie down. So now I had being sick on top of the nightmares. Needless to say I was in pretty rough shape at the moment. Albeit physically, I was actually feeling a few shades better today. However, I was still fighting with a small case of the sniffles which were hampering me from truly being able to rest peaceably.
Collecting my bag from underneath my chair, I dragged my tired body up and onto a pair of unsteady legs. It took me a moment to gain my bearings, but I got it done. And after a small stretch to release some tension, I left the classroom.
Gently making my way to the bottom floor where the lockers were, I did my best to stay out of sight, be it stepping into a random classroom if anyone happened to be coming my way, or if nothing else, keep my head lowered in hopes that I wouldn't be recognized. I know that it's probably just wishful thinking on my part. Everyone knew who I was. There would be no fooling anybody, but I can dream can't I?
Normally I could face them with an unwavering mask of indifference, but it was just too much for me to wear today. I was already exhausted, and acting like I didn't care about the things they say about me all day everyday really took its toll on me. The stares, the whispers, the outright harassment, all of it. They say it's not good to bottle up your emotions like that, and I'm sure that there is some shrink out there somewhere who would just have a field day with me. But what could I do? I just didn't have the strength to face them, so I did the only other thing I could. Put a smile on my face and shove everything I felt into the deepest darkest corner of my mind.
Before I knew it, I had almost reached my destination. Descending the final flight of stairs, I reached the locker area. They were all aligned in neat little isles reminiscent of bookcases in a library. Their light tan color matching the floor tiles, all shining with a glossy polish.
Two rows over and twelfth one on the left, I found mine.
Laying my hand over it. A slight shimmer across the metal was seen before a light click signified that it was unlocked. Placing my school shoes on the little shelf, I watched as they were rotated back into a small compartment behind my locker before my normal shoes took their previous place in front. I reached for them only to grasp air as another hand had already snatched them away, an arm was thrown over my shoulder at the same time. Turning my head towards the offending person, my face fell.
"What gives Asada?"
It was Haori Nobuyuki, a senior whose father was a higher-up in the largest electronics research and development company in Japan. Naturally, her family was very well-off due to his position. And just as naturally she had been spoiled endlessly all throughout her life, which eventually lead to this... person who stood before me.
She was the worst kind of bully to the younger students, always making their lives miserable. And me, being the lucky person that I am, seemed be her 'favorite'. Many had gone to the dean of the school with complaints about her, but I didn't bother. I took everything in stride. At least, that is what I told myself. She always got away with a slap on the wrist anyway, but that is the nature of such things I guess.
"How could you ignore me? Your best friend walks by you, and you don't even stop to say hi? I thought we were closer than that." She spoke with a faux playful voice.
"You're not..." I hesitated in my words whilst I looked away, avoiding her eyes. A thought had come to mind. In all honesty, she was probably the closest thing to a friend that I had in the whole school. A twisted and disgusting thought, but nevertheless true. Harsh words aside, at least she made the point of speaking to me on a daily basis. It was pathetic that I could even remotely look forward to such treatment. But I find myself doing such a thing. To be acknowledged here, to not feel so alone.
"Aww... Don't be like that. Of course I am! Except maybe for that boy toy of yours, I still have no idea how you managed to get him to have anything to do with you. You have got to tell me whatever dirt you got on him." She adopted a thinking pose. "He is quite cute, maybe then I can get him to follow me around like a lost puppy; just like you do him. He can become my personal slave or something."
I instantly came to his defense. "He would never-" And was immediately cut off.
"Anyway, after I went out of my way to follow you all the way here from class, you say something like that. That's so rude," She let out a snort of amusement. "Acting like that, it's no wonder you don't have anyone else that is willing to put up with you." Her tone suddenly became much darker. "I bet that's why you live by yourself. Even your own parents couldn't stand you, so much that they probably disowned their poor excuse of a daughter. Or maybe..." She trailed off as she grabbed my arm and held it up eye level to me. "They did it because of all of the stains on your hands..." It felt as if shards of glass were ripping through my veins; razors of ice shredding the very fibers of my being until nothing but the tiniest of fragments remained.
i yanked away clutching my hands to my chest, "How could you take them abandoning you like that? I mean I've heard what everyone says about you. I'm surprised you didn't just ki-" She stopped abruptly.
I stood there, lightly trembling as the wretched thoughts began to take over. I held myself tightly, trying to draw any sort of comfort that I could. Doing everything in my power to keep my composure. Please... Stop... I don't want to hear anymore.
Light humming filled my ears. Along with a small rustling of her shoulder bag; she quickly drew out a phone.
"Yes, daddy? ... You did!? ... Thank you so much! let me put my things away and I'll be right there!" And with that, she turned on heel and left. And that's it; gone. Not a care in the world, as if she hadn't been saying something so horrid. Apparently not forgetting about me though, as she dumped my shoes in a nearby trash bin.
With a few minutes and no small amount of willpower, I was able to somewhat pull myself back together. But her words remained. Always just on the edge of being conscious. Searching for the tiniest cracks in my defense to seep through, but I wouldn't let it. Not again!
A brief fire was lit within me as I steeled myself. Hardening my resolve against my own doubts. I will not let her get to me.
She seemed to enjoy playing with it so much, I half wanted to chase her down and give her a piece of my mind. But... What would that solve? And with that single question the vengeful flames within fell away as fast as they had been ignited, diminishing into flickering embers, which then too; faded back into darkness. Confronting her in such a way would solve nothing. With her status, and my infamy, it would only bring more attention to me. And that is the last thing I need.
What am I supposed to do?
Even though I tried my best. There were always days like today where I felt crushed under the weight of the world around me. Sometimes it felt like I was barely holding on, and the slightest touch could send me careening over the edge of despair. Like I was walking on panes of glass, and all it would take is a single misstep to send me crashing through into the dark depths below.
I felt a small sigh resonate throughout me. If only they could understand what their actions did to me. Especially Haori; For all the things she has done. I don't hate her, nor do I blame her. Being spoon fed by mommy and daddy her whole life, she was raised to look down on others of who grew up less privileged. She simply doesn't know any better. I doubt she even knows know how right she actually was in some of those things she said.
Maybe if she did, she wouldn't be like this.
With nothing left holding me here. I made my way over to the trash and retrieved my property.
o0o
It was a cold day. Well, what could be considered chilly for June at least. So much in fact, I decided to wear a long sleeve shirt underneath my school uniform today. It had helped for the most part. At least until the rain had settled in anyway. And now here I stand, beneath a small awning that covers the patio-like slab of concrete which rests just shy of the school's main entrance.
This wouldn't normally be a problem as I actually kinda liked the rain, but I could still feel the small head cold lingering about. So I don't think I want make better part of an eight kilometer stroll in it.
I didn't exactly have anyone waiting on me, so I could wait it out if I really had too. But It has been raining for the better part of the day and it hasn't lightened up in the slightest. If anything, it was just getting worse.
I hadn't any money with me either; so I guess taking a bus home was out of the question.
My thoughts declined a little more at that.
Home... If you could even call it that. What's supposed to be a welcoming abode, in which one could look towards in longing after a tiring day. A small empty apartment stood in its place; devoid of all but the most simple of material things. A bed, a few kitchen appliances, and a bathroom that housed a tiny walk-in shower. I made a slight face at that last one. I miss having a bathtub. A nice long soak would be wonderful.
I was momentarily brought out of musing by a pair of "Excuse us". I assumed to be a couple, considering that they were sharing the same umbrella, brushed me by in a hurry to get to their car and out of the rain. I briefly entertained the idea of saying something as there was more than enough room to walk around me, but there was no need to get worked up over something so insignificant. After all, this is quite tame compared to some of the other things that I have dealt with day to day.
My gaze trailed after them for a handful of seconds before I finally turned it upon the sky once more. The dreariness lay right where I left it, and it didn't seem like it was going to disappear any time soon. With that thought in mind along with my decision being made, I began walking. Looking for a silver lining; I tried to tell myself that maybe this wouldn't be so bad.
And before I could catch it. A small giggle managed to escape my lips as a thought crossed my mind. It looks like I was going to get my nice long soak after all.
o0o
The overcast sky had seemingly drained the life out of the normally colorful little word that existed between my apartment and school. The trees were a little less green, the small pond that lay within the park a little less blue. The buildings having lost most of their luster now appeared to be a myriad of greys and whites.
However, a group of three small children playing and splashing in puddles managed to breathe most of the life back into the bleakened image. Taking a brief glance around. Something occurred to me. Where are their parents? This is a nice neighborhood, but to just let their children go unsupervised like that?
Hesitating but for a moment. I made the decision to stay and keep an eye on them until I knew they would be safe if I left.
I couldn't live with myself if something happened that could have been prevented by my being here.
Taking a seat on a tiny two person bench in front of a small shop, I found myself wearing a smile as small as the children I had taken it upon myself to watch. Their laughing was contagious, and before I knew it I was letting out small chuckles at their antics. They were having the time of their lives; doing nothing more than playing in the rain.
For some reason or another, watching them got me thinking about my own childhood. I'm not sure as to why it did; because when I was their age, I was almost the complete opposite of this.
I was never an outside person. I never really socialized with the other children. There were only a handful of people that I ever held close enough to call friend, and I was content with that. For all that they meant to me, I was the happiest little girl in the world. But things always come to an end, be they good or bad. And with that end... They all abandoned me save one.
I seemed to get lost within my own mind after that, I sat there almost motionless for what only seemed like a few seconds, just thinking about the past. Traveling forward chronologically, I eventually arrived at the 'incident'. The one that haunts me every time I close my eyes. Never relenting in its quest to finally drive me mad. It's been almost five years and I still remember it with such sickening clarity.
The day had started like any other. But ended in a way that could have never been foreseen. I had decided to tag along with my mother to the post office; I'm not sure why we were there, or what our plans for afterwards were. The only thing I can remember is red... So much red...;
I quickly shook my head to banish the negative thoughts away. Lest I have a breakdown in front of a group children. Kami knows that I have enough weighing on my conscience as it is.
That's when I realized that they seem to have disappeared on me. How could they have slipped my notice so quickly? They were just right here. Checking my wristwatch, I noticed almost twenty-five minutes had passed since I began my little trip down memory lane. 'Some babysitter I turned out to be' I cursed at my inattentiveness. Standing up, I gave everything a once over in search. They could have been anywhere by now, but fortunately I was able to spot them. Sighing lightly to myself, I was relieved to find that they hadn't gone far.
Something out of the corner of my eye suddenly caught my attention. Inside the doorway of the "shop", which turned out to be a bakery, there was a man, who proceeded to yell for them to come inside and dry off.
"Coming, Dad!"
Wait a minute... Dad?
That's when it occurred to me. Their parents had been there after all; the plate glass windows giving them the perfect way to stay dry while still keeping a diligent watch.
That means...
They saw me sitting outside in the pouring rain, with nothing but my school uniform on, for the better part of half an hour for seemingly no reason at all. I can only imagine what is going through his head right now... It was probably something along the lines of me being a complete idiot, or worse; and judging by the look that I was getting, I doubt that I was far off from the truth with either account.
And even though there was one, I found myself unable to offer up any kind of explanation due to the weight of which his gaze bore down on me.
"Umm... They were... I was..." It was too much.
So I left, my head down, letting my unsung deed go just as the name would suggest.
Not a soul noticed that the water droplets that were trailing down my face were now full of salt.
o0o
Zero, four, two, two. "Beep!" The soft click of the door opening signified my arrival. I let out a small breath in relief. Home...
I was soon shrouded in the darkness as my door closed behind me. And without the sun to shed a little light on the situation, I found it difficult to locate the small string that turned on my light. It hung from the ceiling and had me flailing my arms around in the air trying to find it.
A light brushing feeling against my fingers let me know that I had found my mark. With a slight tug my room was filled with an incandescent glow.
Preoccupied with removing my footwear, I failed to notice the floor had become increasingly damp with my arrival.
A single step forward onto the tile was all it took to send me crashing to the floor.
"Oww..." I groaned out while rolling over onto my stomach to push myself onto all fours. Looking over the spilled entrails of my school bag, I let out a huff in annoyance. What a mess.
Quickly cleaning up said mess. I put everything back in it's place neat and orderly just like it had been before, and made my way onto the carpeted floors of the living area; stopping halfway as I recognized someone. Looking over at them in my full length mirror, I slowly walked up to it and placed my hand on it's glossy surface. My reflection did the same. My eyes shuffled over the girl in the mirrors' features. The person I saw was a mess. Their hair being strewn about with the ends sticking out in various places. The way their clothes clung to their skin in such an uncomfortable way. The light bags that rested just beneath her eyes. The pasty complexion that she wore. Everything.
Everything had taken its toll on me.
The pure malice; "I bet that's why you live by yourself. Your parents couldn't stand the fact that their daughter is a murderer!" and "I don't know why you are even allowed to attend school you freak!"
However painful the hatred; it didn't hold even a sliver of a candle to the fear..."Stay away from me!" "I didn't do anything wrong! Please don't hurt me!" "I promise not to tell anyone! Just please let me go!" They mocked me, acting as if I was some kind of monster who enjoyed hurting others. And it hurt so much more than the hate, much more than they will probably ever know. But I guess that is for the best. It's a good thing that they will never know how much it hurts. For them to truly understand would require them to travel the same path that I have, and I would never wish for someone else to experience this. At times, the deep wounds that bled within me were unbearable.
I had to turn away, I couldn't stand to look at her anymore.
My eyes paused on a little journal that lie face down on my dresser. Making my way over to it, I gingerly collected it within my grasp. It was my assignment planner.
It had seen better days for sure, but it was still perfectly usable. The common theme among my belongings. Shuffling through it's contents I passed over all the little dates that had been marked with various things. It was made for schoolwork, but I used it as a personal agenda of sorts.
I caught glimpses of previous entries fluttering by before I finally found this weeks page. In the area labeled Friday there was a single sentence.
'Meet up by the lake after the appointment.' Oh Yeah... We were supposed to have a picnic today.
Making my way over to where my phone was, I was rewarded with twinges of pain that washed over me for a handful of seconds. Gently rubbing my lower back, I let out a hiss. I was definitely going to feel that fall for a few days. Pushing past the aches, I began fishing through my bag for my little touch screen device. I found two unread messages.
The first. [I know you don't have a ride, and you don't need to be out in this weather while you are sick. So just head home instead. I'll text you and let you know how it goes. -K]
I was left with a mix of feelings at the message. On one hand I could feel something warm stirring within my chest at his thoughtfulness. It was really considerate of him to remember that I wasn't feeling well and to go on without me. Along with the warmth however, I could feel something else creeping up on me. It was familiar feeling. One that I have had more than my fair share in dealing with.
Guilt.
He cared enough about me to remember a passing comment on my well being. And I can't even remember a simple date. Something for him that was important enough that I even wrote it down so I wouldn't forget! What's worse is that he's probably been thinking about me all week. Worrying over me like always. And I... I what?
Ha... What am I doing? There i go being so hard on myself again. Everyone forgets things, a few thousand everyday so I've heard. Even so, that's no excuse. I'll have to make it up to him later.
Filing that thought away, I moved on to the second message. It made me feel better; sort of.
[They said I am well enough not to use crutches anymore, they even took off my cast! That means I can start riding my bike again. Well, if sis ever lets me off the hook about it. Hahaha!]
It's good to know everything will be going back to normal soon. But if not for me, he wouldn't even have been in that accident those months ago. I am always such a burden to him. Always making him worry. Inconveniencing him with my problems. And now I can add hospitalizing him to that list as well. He would be so much better off without me around, and yet he still holds me with such a high regard. I've lost count of all the times he has been there for me over the years. Holding my hand through any and all tribulations. How many times he put a smile on my face just from caring about me when no one else has. Being there for me when no else was. He truly has been my savior and I don't know how I would have made it without him.
Making my way over too the window next to my bed, I took a seat and began typing. [That's great, I'm really happy for you. Are you still wanting to meet by the lake when you get home?]
I didn't have to wait long.
[Pretty soon I can start giving you rides to and from school again, I know how much you like the motorcycle. And yeah. Of course I do... Is there something bothering you Shino?] Well, that was fast. Then again he is pretty perceptive when it come to how someone feels, especially me. I couldn't hide something from him if I tried.
[I'm looking forward to it. And no, nothing's wrong, I just have had a lot on my mind lately] I replied.
[Are the nightmares back again?]
[That's part of it, yes]
[Do you want to talk about it?]
Hugging my legs to my chest, I rested my chin on the space where my knees met as I thought on how to answer. Did I want to talk about it? I'm not really sure.
Looking away from my phone I turned my gaze to the window and peered out into the grey atmosphere that saturated my view. I sat there for a moment, lost in thought, debating on whether or not to bother him with my problems, again. I understand that talking through things with someone is usually the best way to solve your problems. But what if I want to handle things on my own? I feel like a child who can't do anything by herself. I want to be able to be my own person, to not be held back by my fears, to stand on my own two feet.
Still... That's not fair. For all the things that he has done for me I have no right to hide such things from him. If I can trust anyone with anything, it would be him. I wonder what he would say if I told him how I feel?
Conceding, but still not fully committed, I gave a reply.
[I just need a little time to think. I'll tell you when I am ready.]
[That's all I ask. I'll see you in a little bit okay?]
I'll be waiting.
I sat in silence for the next few minutes after that, not thinking about any one thing in particular, but moreover a collection of questions I find myself asking almost everyday.
To stand on my own two feet, huh? To never have to rely on someone else would be a dream come true, I think. To not need someone else would mean I am strong, right? I never want to be that weak little girl again, but what if that isn't the right answer? Is it better to have the strength to stand alone and not need anyone else, or to not have to be so strong because I have someone there to support me? Is it okay to rely on others my whole life and never find my own strength?
What if I do become strong enough? Is that really what I want? What if I don't? Am I really okay with depending on somebody so much? If being strong means being alone, will it be worth it?
I am left with so many questions and so little answers, just like all the other times I have this argument with myself.
It gets me nowhere like always.
I took a deep breath before letting it out in an exaggeratedly slow manner.
Well, I guess that's enough for today. As much as I would love to continue to sit here and reflect over my life choices. I have an appointment to make, so it looks like my musings are gonna have to wait till later.
I got up and turned my light off before making my way back to bed. Grabbing my AmuSphere off the end table. I pondered lightly over the wonderful world I was about to enter. I visited it quite regularly and usually became so enraptured within that I often found myself reluctant to leave. It was a place of unimaginable beauty that held something that was quite alluring to me. I've lost count of the hours I have spent experiencing everything that world had to offer. And with two words, my journey into that magical world began once again.
"Link Start!"
Annnnd... Cut!
Well that was an interesting bit to write. It took me like four hours to type up and another two to edit/revise and proofread. I'm not even close to being perfect, so I am sure that are things I missed. But that's okay, looking passed blemishes to see the beauty underneath is what life is all about, isn't it?
I will say I am pretty impressed with myself. This chapter is actually a decent read. (At least I thought it was.) I really wasn't expecting much from myself, it being so long since having written anything plus being new to the whole first person thing. Twas quite the challenge to write I will say though.
Anyway, I'd like to thank Shiori for the proofread, you are awesome! (In which I have done some editing since she helped me out. So if there are any errors it's my fault) She has great SAO fics that I implore everyone read, so yeah. You guys should do that!
Oh! Since I couldn't make it in time for Christmas, I would like to wish you all a happy New-years!
So at 4:00 in the morning, I bid you all adieu.
-Sky
P.S. Why do all Shino-centered fics start off at school? It's becoming a trope. Hahaha! ^_^
P.P.S. Please R&R!