Sorry to disappoint you, but this story is about Jesus Christ being a bastardized freak accident. If you were looking for a story about "Crack Baby Jesus" open with a rock, you should probably write it yourself.
Once upon a time, about two thousand years ago human beings first discovered crack cocaine. There was such an overflow of crack, since people had not been using any of the crack that God bestowed on this Earth for four thousand years, that crack was cooked in all of their foods and beverages. God, seeing that His people were finally engrossed in the wonderful world of crack, decided to join them while being invisible. (You may be wondering 'Why doesn't God just not be invisible so that everyone will believe in Him?' The answer is that He doesn't want you to see Him while He is masturbating to you in the shower.) Anyway God snorted a metric ass load of crack that night and ended up fucking a crack whore named Mary, who was said to be a virgin because they did not count anal back then.
God went back to heaven with His bloodstream teeming with crack, not knowing that he had knocked up that crack whore that he had met the other night. While baby Jesus was gestating in her womb for nearly 11 months (crack babies take particularly long to gestate), Mary had shoved three bushels of cocaine up her nostrils every night. By the time Jesus was born, he was one third God, one third human, and two thirds crack. He had webbed feet with which he could walk on water, a urinary system that allows him to drink water and piss wine, teeth growing out of his left ear, and Downs syndrome.
Upon hearing this, many people came to see these miraculous feats. On the night of his birth three kings (the street name for 'pimp') gave him three gifts. One was a half-eaten egg roll rom Jack in the Box. One was the ear of a poodle that the pimp had tried to give a haircut. The third was a used condom stuffed down a silly straw that was stabbed into a tube of toothpaste. The three pimps had tried to get hid gold, frankincense, and mur but were too stoned to tell the difference. But, crack baby Jesus didn't mind at all. He scarfed them down with his eight rows of razor sharp teeth.
After most of Jerusalem found out about the frothy alcoholic beverages that he could make out of worthless water they began worshiping him as their king. Little did they understand that Jesus was a mutant accident. As he grew up, they brought him anything he wanted: animal sacrifices, child sacrifices, virgin sacrifices, you name it!
But eventually, Crack baby Jesus grew into a crack man Jesus and he wanted to gain some independence. He started having sex lot: gay sex, straight sex, sex with multiple partners, you name it! But he eventually discovered that his favorite type of sex was gay sadomasochistic sex. He eventually settled down with his butt buddy, Judas.
One day he and Judas were doing a little S&M while jamming to Rihanna. Judas nailed Jesus to a cross by his hands. He then took a small needle and stabbed Jesus in the area between his belly button and his penis. Judas, after taking double the recommended dosage of Viagra, penetrated the hole that he had made with the needle. Jesus cried out in pleasure as Judas's swollen cock massaged his internal organs. The skin of Jesus's stomach stretched as the entirety of Judas's 19 inch cock was inside his body.
But then one of Jesus's extra lungs burst from the pressure of Judas's penis. He gasped for air but he forgot their safe word so he was continually penetrated for nine hours while hanging from the cross. He did not die until Judas finally spluged into his open lung. Judas found out that Jesus was dead and he ran away so that he would not be killed. But Jesus came back to life due to his mutation in three days, when he had his last supper of raw sewage, pig entrails, and medical wastes.
The end.