PULP
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NARUTO

The Briefcase

"I heard it was because he gave her a foot massage," Naruto said, musingly, as he walked down the hall. Sasuke was meticulously counting the doors. They were in a small apartment on the edge of the city, a dingy place occupied by immigrants and criminals, with a landlord who didn't ask questions. "You do not mess with the Hokage's women," continued Naruto. "You'll get whacked for looking at 'em funny." Sasuke was fighting the urge to send his fist directly into his blond companion's nose. "But I hear Tsunade is his favorite. If you even touch Tsunade, you'll get the shuriken-in-the-balls…"

"We're here," said Sasuke, dryly. They were standing in front of Apartment 402, on the third floor. Naruto looked at his watch.

"It's not quite time yet. Also, I heard that-"

"I think it's close enough," said Sasuke, resisting urge to kill his companion. The blond shrugged and knocked on the door. A few moments passed, and a dark-skinned man wearing a Hitai-ate and a sweatshirt answered. Naruto grinned wolfishly and pushed in, emerging into a room occupied by two other ninjas, who were lounging about, eating burgers.

"Hey everybody!" Naruto said, cheerfully. The largest of the ninjas was sitting at a table in the center of the room, a burger, fries, and drink from a local fast food joint sitting upon it. They were clerely surprised, staring at the suited duo that had suddenly invaded their apartment. Sasuke quickly circled to the back of the room. "Now," began Naruto, circling the table. "Do you know who we are?"

"N-no?" offered one, nervously.

"I see," said Naruto. "We work for the Hokage of the Leaf Gang. Now, our boss is a generous man, very generous. Normally, he'd let people like you live. Why not? You kept up your end the bargain." Naruto turned around, hands clasped behind his back. "Hey, that looks like a good burger. Mind if I take a bite?"

"Uh… no problem?" offered the ninja, nervously.

"Thanks," Naruto replied, and picked up the burger. He took a bite and chewed for a long time, before thoughtfully commenting, "Now that's a fine burger. I don't get to eat burgers very often these days… my girlfriend's a vegan, which pretty much means I'm a vegan, too." He paused. "Mind if I wash it down?"

"Go ahead…"

Naruto downed the entire soda with one swallow. He put it down. "Now, where was I?"

"Do we have to go through all of this?" Sasuke asked from the kitchen, lighting up a cigarette.

"Shut the fuck up, Sasuke." He turned back to his victim. "Now, where was I? Oh yeah, our boss. Anyway, he'd a cool dude, she really is. Although… I must ask… what does he look like?"

"What?" asked the ninja, confused.

"I said, what does he look like?" demanded Naruto, gesticulating with his hands.

"He's Asian?"

"Yes…"

"He's tall?"

"Yes… Does he look like a bitch?"

"What?"

"Does he look like a bitch?!"

"No! No!"

"Then don't fuck him like one!" howled Naruto.

"What?!"

"I think you know what I mean. In fact, I can see it your face. Where's the briefcase?" In a smooth motion, Naruto drew his knife and pressed it the ninja's throat.

"What?" asked the man, quivering with fear.

Naruto took his knife and jammed it into the man's hand. He screamed. "Say what one more time," snarled Naruto. "I fucking dare you."

"Please," whimpered the man.

"Where's the briefcase?" demanded Naruto.

"It's… it's in the cupboard in the kitchen." Sasuke opened a pair of doors over the oven, looking in expressionlessly. "No, no, the ones at your feet." Sasuke knelt down and found it quickly. As he checked the contents, his face was briefly bathed in a soft golden glow. A low, sonorous tone emanated from the briefcase. He seemed almost… mesmerized for a few seconds before Naruto called, "Earth to Sasuke! Earth to Sasuke!"

He rapidly closed the briefcase and sealed the lock at either end. "It's all here."

"Now look," said the ninja, nervously, "We had the best intentions. We really didn't mean any-"

"Shut the fuck up," he said, pushing the barrel of the gun to the ninja's forehead. "So what your name?"

"Uh… Quentin?"

"Quentin! A fine name! Do you read the Bible, Quentin?"

"N-no?"

"I see, I see… There's this one passage I like, Ezekiel 17:25. 'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.'"

There was a pause "It's Ezekiel 25:17, Naruto," Sasuke said.

"Shut the fuck up, Sasuke! Now, Quentin, our boss plays fair. But fair goes both ways – you always get what you deserve. And for you… the sentence is death!"

Blood sprayed across the apartment walls.

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