Pain.
My father had struck me with his hand while my mother and baby sister were watching him..mom telling him not to stop..he hit them, my mom and sister who did nothing to him. He was just an achololic and whenever he was drunk he hits me or my mom when ever we did something wrong. I always tried my hardest to not to upset him, but when I did I got punished by him then by my mom. Everynight I pray for this to go away and everyday I cut. I take the small razor that is under my matress and cut my legs. One cut, Two cuts, Three cuts. I feel the warm red liquid going down my leg to my toes.
No one cared for me. I always dreamed about running away and leaving my so called family, but I had to stay with them for my sister. My mom is always in her room smoking pot while my dad is passed out on the couch. Everynight I pray for this to go away and everyday I cut. I take the small razor that is under my matress and cut my legs. Four cuts, Five cuts, Six cuts. I feel the warm red liquid going down my toes. When will I die? Today? Please let it be today. I cant take it. But I live, for another day.
He and my mom stay in their room all night long but he wakes up in my bed. He holds my mouth from my screams so I wont wake my mom and sister. Day by day they try. Night by night he comes into my room. Her stomach is getting bigger and bigger the doctors are saying that its a girl. That isnt what he wants. Night after Night he comes. Month after month my stomach grows. Seven cuts, Eight cuts, Nine cuts. I feel the warm red liquid going down my leg to my toes. I dont want to live. I dont want this baby that my father has crated. I want it to go away all of it, I close my eyes please I begged, let this be a nightmare. Let me wake up and find that my stomach isnt big at all. Let me die. God, please let me die. Ten cuts, Eleven cuts, Tweleve cuts, more.
School, everyone see my stomach. Rumors go around about me being raped, teachers asking questions and wanting to help. They cant help me. One one could help a fourteen year old girl who is carrying her son/brother. No one speakes to me, but I know what they are saying. One wanted to help me. But Im not allowed to have friends. I just cause to much problems. No one wanting to take my pain away. No one wanting to kill me. Thirteen cuts, Fourteen cuts, Fifteen cuts.
Walking to home, comming home to see the family, to take care of both my sisters while my mom is smoking in the room, and dad is passed out. Little sister wants a sandwhich, baby sister wants milk. Mom wants more crack. Dad wants a son. What more could I give? Let me die. Someone take a gun point to my heart, my head anything and just pull the trigger. Sixteen cuts,Seventeen cuts, Eighteen cuts, and a few more. I need to go to the hospital. Giving birth isnt fun. Please let me die now. After giving birth. After giving him the son. No one is around. Nurse and doctors are caring for the baby while my family is at home. I pray hoping that my sisters are getting dinner and they have their health. I pull the small razor from my bag that i had with me, Nineteen cuts, Twenty cuts, Twenty-one cuts. Am I dead? I couldnt feel the pain. Yes this is it Im dead, Im free from them. Im free from the pain.
Wait. No it cant be. I feel it I hear it. The cries of my baby. The pain from my legs. Why wont God let me die? Why cant I just be free from this hell? Am I not good enough to go to the heaven that my grandma once told me about long ago.
My grandma. She was the one who saved me from my dad and my mom. She was the one who always told me about the fairy tales that I still dream about to this day. But that was long ago. And now she is gone from me. Because of them. I saw it, but they didnt want me to tell the police because they said that I could get taken away from them. And that they..they will kill me. The nightmares still comes everytime I think of her. My mother, that bitch killed her. She made it looked like she choked on her food that she was eating. She forced her to eat it when she didnt want to. I tried to stop her but I was only six at the time and I didnt know what to do. The pain from my grandma being murdered by my mom and my father knowing nothing of what happened to his mother. Only me. Twenty-two cuts, Twenty-three cuts, Twenty-four cuts. I felt the pain this time and the warm red blood going down my legs to my toes.
I can hear my baby calling out for me. It has been three years since I had my baby and everything has gotten worse. The only good thing that has acome of me was me being diagnose of cancer and high blood pressure. I already been to the hospital four times this week because of all the stress of my parents, and siblings.
Why wont God let me die? I thought as I washed the dishes. All I want is to leave this hell house and take my sisters and baby with me and let my father beat on my mom she doesnt deserve to live to me. Im ready to die. Im ready to runaway, but I cant the doors and windows are locked up tight which only leaves me to only dream that there is a better place for me and my sisters and baby. Twenty-five cuts, Twenty-six cuts, Twenty-seven cuts. I felt the pain, I felt the blood on my legs going down to my toes. I went back to the kitchen to finish making dinner for everyone.
My mom was in there. She started to accuse me of taking her drugs and she wanted me to give them back. I didnt have them and she smoked them up but she doesnt remember for her being high. She grabed the knife that I was using to cut the meat.
"Give it back you good for nothing little bitch" she said to me. I looked at her with no emotion. "I have nothing" I stated. and turned my back to her as I herd my brother crying for attention.
I felt pain in my back. One stab, Two stabs, Three stabs, Four and more. The last thing that I saw was my sisters and baby crying for me as my eyes closed and let the pain take over and the darkness. I felt a smile on my lips as I was finally free. I was dead from the hell. Im saved