Disclaimer: All the characters belong to Janet Evanovich, but I am borrowing.
Spoilers: None that come to mind..
Content: Just a little naughty language
A Hostage's Christmas
Every now and then you find that life puts you in a scenario and you know that you are in the right place at the right time.
Today was not that day.
It started off as a typical day. I woke up, showered, picked up some files at the office, and then headed over to the bank to make a deposit.
And this is where I was at the wrong place at the wrong time.
So here I was, patiently waiting in line, listening to some old lady rant on about how she clogged up her toilet again for the fourth time today, when it was finally my turn after waiting for 45 minuets.
I had started to walk to the open counter when a voice shouted: "Get down on the ground!"
I had turned around to see a man in a Santa costume holding a gun, aiming at yours truly.
It totally figures that right when it's my turn in line chaos occurs and prevents me from making that simple, god-damn deposit!
So this is where you currently find me, frozen in place, scared shitless. I look around to find people plastered to the floor, covering for dear life. I decided that was probably a smart thing to do then just stand there like some idiot.
I start crouching down, but it seemed to cause more attention toward me.
"Hey, what the hell are you doin?" the gunman shouted.
I froze half way down in my mid-squat.
"I'm just getting down like you said" I replied with a shaky voice. My arms were raised above my head, showing I was cooperating and unarmed.
"Okay, but no sudden moments, I have a gun"
Well no shit Sherlock! It's only aimed at my face.
I hit the floor and the crazed-fake-Santa proceeded toward me.
Great, why does this shit always happen to me? It really is starting to piss me off! Just when I thought he was going to eliminate me from my despair, the crazed-fake-Santa surprised us all and pulled out what looked like a green elf out-fit made for a child. He started looking around frantically until his eyes landed on me. A satisfied look spread over his beard covered face. It gave me the creeps.
"Stand up" the crazed-fake-Santa commanded.
"Oh no, don't even think about it you psychotic loony!" I yelped. I heard the fellow hostages take in a gasp. Lucky for them the gun wasn't aimed at their head. But if this psycho thought I was going to put on that small little costume, he had another thing coming for him.
"I said stand up!" He shouted, looking like he wasn't in the mood for being tolerant.
"There's no way I'm going to fit in that!" I said, pointing at it. I'd be hanging out everywhere! That thing was made for a 10-year-old.
"Well your the most likely candidate compared to everyone else." he answered. I looked around. He was right about that, I was the smallest one of the bunch. Never thought I'd be able to say that! "Besides I haven't seen me a nice piece of ass in a long time, so quite stalling and put it on!" crazed-fake-Santa said as he threw the costume at me.
"No!" I yelled back.
"Why do you women always have to complicate things so much?!"
"We don't make things complicated, you just make it that way" I answered back.
"Look if you don't put the costume on, I'm gunna….eh." He paused in thought. "Well its gunna get nasty in here. I have a gun you know." I rolled my eyes.
"Look buddy, I've had my fair share of psychos, and one thing I've learned about you guys is that it's not a good idea to give into their demands…." I started. But before I could finish the crazed-fake-Santa grabbed and held a gun to the old women who just minuets ago had complained about her toilet being clogged.
"Lady, this is the last time I'm gunna tell you…PUT THE GOD-DAMED COSTUME ON!"
"I'm putting it on as we speak" I replied urgently, afraid that I was going to be the cause of death for the poor old lady if I didn't.
I slowly unbuttoned my blouse and dropped it onto the floor. All eyes were on me, and even the adrenalin couldn't keep me from becoming self-conscious.
"Do I really have to?" I whined holding up the revealing elf-costume.
"YES!" he said while shaking the poor old lady who was frozen with fear.
I had just finished undressing, standing in all my glory in my panties and bra, slipping on the costume when the Trenton PD surrounded the building guns drawn.
And just when I thought this day couldn't get any better…
"Oh shit! Damn, fuck! Okay you need to put that on now!" Crazed-fake-Santa said.
"It is on!" I cried feeling very exposed in elf get-up.
"Damn, that doesn't cover much at all does it?" he asked.
"Well no shit"
"Hey, it's not my fault you've packed on the holiday weight"
"Are you saying I'm fat!?"
He scanned me from head to toe
"No sweet thang, fat is not what I'd call you. But you sure do bring a whole new meaning to Santa's little helper"
I looked down at my body and cringed. I looked more like Santa's little playmate.
The Trenton cops by now have surrounded the whole building. They all had their cop face in place, but I could tell they were enjoying the view.
"Look, I don't know what your plan is, but I don't see the point of me wearing this" I said, gesturing to my outfit.
"Well I was hoping to have a kid be my hostage seeing how there easier to handle in hostage situations." He explained. I gave him a look of disgust. "Well it seemed smart at the time!"
"Smart! You're robbing a bank! How is robbing a bank smart!"
"I haven't robbed anything yet," he replied. I rolled my eyes.
"Please, just let us go!" cried a woman.
"Shut up! No one leaves until I get what I want." The crazed-fake-Santa yelled. He shoved a big brown sack at me and ordered me to fill it up with cash. I was about to object when the phone on the counter rang.
"Nobody moves" crazed-fake-Santa ordered, still holding the gun to the old women.
"Answer it" he commanded. I put the sack down and slowly made my way to the phone. "And if you do anything conniving, I'll shoot her on the spot" he said, indicating to the old lady. I picked up the phone and answered.
"Hello" I said on a shaky breathe.
"Cupcake? This really isn't' a way to start off the holiday season you know" Joe Morelli teased. A wave of frustration ran through me as I clenched my teeth together.
"And this really isn't a way to handle a hostage situation!" I yelled onto the phone.
"Whoa, look I was just trying to lighten up the mood here. Calm down."
"CALM DOWN! You want me to calm down. Okay, how would you feel being exposed to half of Trenton's finest wearing noting but a little scrap of green cloth? Oh and let's not forget the crazy lunatic holding us all hostage!"
"Okay okay, I'm sorry. Look put Santa on; I'll get you outta here." Joe clarified. I handed the phone to chubs, and he snatched it from me.
"What?!" crazed-fake-Santa asked.
Silence, then:
"Hell no! You think I'm stupid!"
Silence
"Well of course I'm aware I'm robbing a bank…and you think I'm the stupid one." I rolled my eyes.
"Sure I'll let everyone go" I felt a wave of relief course through me. "That is if you get a car for me and Santa's little helper here." He said while looking at me.
And there goes my relief.
"Look, if you don't bring me my car, I'll shoot your girl on the spot…right in front of you. Sure would be a waste though, she's got a great pair of stems." I felt the nauseous feeling creep up as he scanned me from head to toe. I could only imagine what Joe was feeling at this point.
All the light banter went out the window at that point. It finally dawned on me that I was dealing with someone without a full deck of cards, and I had to get him away from these people if anyone were to survive for their Christmas Eve dinner.
"I don't care were you get the damn car! Just bring it to me!" crazed-fake-Santa yelled into the phone.
So 10 minuets later a black shiny car pulls up. Give you one guess who that car belongs to.
Ranger.
Ranger steps out of the vehicle and walks over to the group of cops. I couldn't see him, but I knew Morelli was out there somewhere. Knowing that he called in Ranger meant a lot coming from him, and brought me a comfort.
Two minuets later the phone rings again.
He answerers, and before I know it, I'm the one with the gun held to my head; the old lady is thrown to the floor, otherwise unharmed.
"I don't want that car. Are you kidding! It's got to have some kind of tracer on it! I WANT A CIVILIAN CAR!"
So another 10 minuets go by, and a beat-up Chevrolet is pulled up. Now I know this isn't one of Ranger's cars, but still something about it tells me it's rigged.
I'm pulled and pushed into the front seat of the car, then once again the gun is held at my head and the car is heading down the main street.
Surprisingly I felt a sense of calm knowing everyone at the bank had made it out safely and will be able to enjoy their Christmas egg-nog with their families. On the other hand I'm stuck with this freak and it's beginning to piss me off.
"So, what's the plan?" I asked bitterly.
"Why should I tell you?" He asked
"Gee, I don't know… maybe it's because I'm dressed like some hoochie, and I'm riding shot gun to a psycho who by the way never did get his money. What kind of bank robber are you!"
"Oh shit! I knew I was forgetting something!"
"Yeah, like your common sense" I muttered under my breath
"I heard that"
"Good. Someone needed to say it"
I heard him take a deep sigh, and he muttered under his breath. We had been driving for five minuets and I had a feeling this guy had know idea where he was going.
"Do you even have a plan?" I asked, breaking the silence.
"Well I expected to have money and make a fast get away. Now I'm stuck with a hostage that wont shut-up and I'm driving some beat-up car low on gas.
"Face it dude, you miles well just turn yourself in now. I mean its Christmas; I haven't even gotten my Christmas gifts yet. I was planning to today."
"You sure are putting things off for last minuet. It's Christmas Eve you know."
"Well duh Captain obvious. I would have been done by now too if you wouldn't have interfered!"
"Look I'm sorry, I was desperate! What can I do to make it up to you?"
"You can't be serious, can you?"
"Okay, besides from the obvious, what can I do to make it up to you that doesn't include letting you go?"
I wasn't able to answer him because a huge herd of reindeer had been clustered in the middle of the street. The car came to a screeching holt, and that's when I made my fast getaway.
Okay well I'll add more later. This was just a fast write and I was waiting for my cookies to finish baking before the family came over for our Christmas Eve dinner. Sorry if there were a lot of grammar errors, but like I said it was a quick write and I wanted it added before Christmas.