Beowulf and the Astronauts: Chapter 1
Once, in a galaxy far, far away on the totally badass planet Alderaan, Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Spock were training at Charles Darwin's secret mountain monstary. Darwin was training each of the young heroes the sacred art of badassery. "To become great warrior" said wise Master Darwin "One must have mastery over ones opponent's facial structure, mostly the ability to turn it into a crater." The three students were in awe of Charles Darwin's wisdom, and began to train. Spock attempted to suplex the nearest tree on the mountainside, but couldn't because Han Solo had already bisected every tree in the forest with a single laserpistol whip. Luke force pulled himself onto a cloud then prepared to jump down, using his lightsaber to shave off Spock's five-o-clock shadow, but suddenly he noticed a shadow in the sky. Looking up, he saw a dark, gigantic, sphere appear in the skies above Alderaan. "Why has a small moon appeared in the sky?" Shouted Luke from the cloud down to Charles Darwin and the others. "That's no moon, but it is also out of my wisdom." mused the wise Darwin. "I have a friend who might know what that is! To the Falcon!" interjected Han Solo.
Everyone got into the Millennium Falcon and flew to Mute City, where they went to the only cantina in the entire city. When they approached the cantina, a man flew out of one of its windows, and they heard someone yell "Who else wants to show me their moves!" The group walked up, and saw a mysteriously dressed man in a bright red helmet and badass blue outfit. "Sup Captain Falcon." Said Han Solo to Captain Falcon through the window. "Han! You are a man with ambition, moving about the stars as you do life, why do you seek me out, for the Falcon upon my soul cries for another race!" "Falcon, what is the object hovering over Alderaan?" Said Luke. Captain Falcon looked upon Luke through his helmet visor. "The orb upon the heavens is upon us, it is a grave threat, for it is nothing less then the Bronystar. A space station capable of destroying all Badassery on an entire planet. Do you wish to fight the four legged horrors that walk its halls, and have Alderaan saved from the inevitable that is cute and cuddly?" Cried the Captain Falcon. "We must do it" Said Luke, giving a solemn vow. "Then travel with me to Yavin IV, a moon above Alderaan, for as the hawk moves about the bushels of hay, so too must the mouse dance the longest dance." Said Captain Falcon and he got into his F-Zero machine that he had parked next to his table in the Cantina. Captain Falcon then punched it into hyperoverdrive, and blew through the roof towards Yavin IV. Spock looked approvingly upon Captain Falcon's logical exit, for the shortest distance between two points is a strait line. "One must have courage to destroy private property which is not his own" mused Darwin "For you might have to pay for it later." All marveled at the wisdom, and the group of four heroes got into the Millennium Falcon and took off after Captain Falcon.
Captain Falcon flew to the hidden rebel base and crashed through the wall into the control room. Taking heed of Charles Darwin's wise words, Han Solo parked the Millennium Falcon outside of the hidden rebel base and Spock, Luke, Han, and Darwin walked through the newly made hole in the wall. Once they got inside they saw a man with no shirt, and the most epic set of muscles any of them had ever laid eyes on. He had no right arm, but instead a Beowulf 50 cal semi auto rifle (real gun) was grafted to his shoulder. "I am Beowulf, leader of rebellion against evil Brony Empire, you have entered my manly presence, are you here to fight the evils of love and tolerance?" "Yes, we have!" said Luke, impressed by Beowulf's sheer awesome. Spock looked with approval on Beowulf's logical choice of weapon, for having two arms was a waste of arm, for it is better to arm your arm then have an unarmed arm. "We have discovered the plans to the Bronystar, which has reveled it's weakness. We should be thankful, for many James Bond clones died to bring us this information." bellowed Beowulf. "So, how do we plan to destroy it?" inquired Han Solo. "WE DON'T!" roared Beowulf crushing the Bronystar plans in his left hand, "For I have the best plan: NO PLAN." Spock looked with approval on Beowulf's not plan, for having a plan always decreased your flexibility in the battlefield. "My warriors, we ride!" and with that, Beowulf stomped on the ground and summoned the Mighty Metal Space Steed and flew off towards the Bronystar through the hole left by Captain Falcon. The rest of them got into the Millennium Falcon, except for Captain Falcon, who got into the Blue Falcon. They all flew together towards the Bronystar. They had to win, or else the lovely Bronystar would fire it's lazer, and all the Badassery on Alderaan would be blown up.