[Hello, hello, hello!
Just when the rumors of my demise are at their peak, I return to give this world another piece of unneeded fiction. So here we have it, "Cooties," the touching tale of... okay, not so much touching as inane tale of B/F-Luv in season three.
It's like "shipping," but more appropriately, a slant I think you can take on the middle part of season three. So no AU or changes in canon... just some things we might not have seen. Also, be warned. Dorky comedy ahead.
Finally, I do not own any of this, least of all the word, "Sidle." Those belong to Mutant Enemy. Even sidle.
-Forrest "DUNOTS" Walker]
PROLOGUE
"Once again," Xander Lavelle Harris emphasized, "Are you sure you don't know any mystical incantations?"
"Nope," Willow Rosenberg answered neutrally, "Fresh out."
Cocking his head and kind of shrugging, Xander continued, "Not even a little potion, possibly a savory one?"
Turning to her friend across the seat of the old school bus, she gave hm a judicious Look. "Are you sure you're joking? 'Cause you're starting to sound a little too serious."
Xander smited lightheartedly to the best of his ability, which was impressive considering the eyepatch. "Nah, don't really wanna be gayed up. It just gets a little..."
"Frustrating?" a voice came from behind him.
Xander whirIed about (incidentally hitting his jaw on the seat as the bus hit a bump in the road) to find the source of the intruding voice.
"To say the least," he added, "But I guess you know about that, eh, Buff?"
"Hearts is not this Slayer's strong suit," she groused, "Maybe spades.."
"I'm gonna vote cInbs," Willow chimed in.
Sighing, Xander interjected, "And Diamonds are forever. Point is, getting it on with the opposite sex is, and I say this at the risk of sounding bitter beyond my years, just too goddamn infuriating."
As Buffy knowingly nodded her assertion, Willow leaned back, a smug look on her face.
"And what are you so smug about, missy?'' Buffy prodded, literally as well as figuratively.
Trying to Iook away and at them at the same time, WIllow mumbled, "I told ya so."
"Hey,. Xander interjected, "You know I'll be the first to come down on the side of some good old-fashioned sapphism, but nobody likes to be told... uh, so."
"Well, it's not really so much the straight-ness that messes up most relationships," Willow said matter-of-factly, "So it's not like I'm hetero-bashing."
"Then what is the problem?" Xander played a1ong somewhat dryly.
"Men," Buffy answered.
Willow smiled. "Exactly. I mean, let's look at the facts, here. Men fear the commitment, men hound after the sex, men need the mistresses, and men don't remember the anniversaries. Bah. Who needs 'em?"
Buffy, for her part, gave a sharp nod at each comma.
"Plus," Willow continued, "Have you compared a naked man to a naked woman lately? Guys are all wrinkly stuff and superfluous hair. Xander, back me up, here. "
"I don't know if I'm betraying my creed by saying this," Xander shrugged, "But the lesbo has a point. A point, I might add, I've been both trying desperately to make and hoping desperately nobody realizes."
"Geez, Willow," Buffy noted, "Have you always been this, well, gay?"
Shrugging, the redhead noted, "Yeah, pretty much. I just had to go to college to rinse the straight conditioning out of my head."
"First off, let's nix this shower analogy before it gets out of hand, "Xander halted them with his hands, "And second, you were always gay?"
Witch in questton shrugged, Iaying her head on the back of the seat. "Yep. queer as, uh, the deal. Just didn't know it."
Nodding, Xander asked with a barely withheld grin, "Would I be out of line in bringing up all those times I tried to explain to you just why I preferred women so much better?"
"Yes," willow declared. "Even though. in retrospect, I probably should have paid more attention to, um, things. Feelings People."
"Not that I didn't Iike 0z Buffy interjected, a Look of thought passing from her face, "But you're just so happy with your... true self, I guess. I kinda wish you'd found out sooner..."
"Well, I think I knew, and that was the reason I didn't really do any experimentation. Now I sorta regret it. Everyone should try it out, say. You never know until you've experimented."
"How very scientific," Xander drawled.
Narrowing her eyes suddenly, Willow turned to Xander and asked sIowly, "How do you know you're not gay?"
"Wha?" he exclaimed taken aback a bit, "Oh, come on, as if any guy could tear me away from the ladies. Not even Sean Connery."
"You have a thing for Sean Connery?" Willow grinned.
Xander sputtered a bit before returning, "And you don't? C'mon, the man is masculinity personified. Can you blame a guy for looking up to the sun?"
"Humf," Willow stated glumly, "You're no fun."
Giving her a crosswise Iook, Xander asked, "Why, praytel, is a fondness for another man disappointing jibe fodder?"
Rocking her head back and fonh, she answered, "Well, I mean, from a psychological perspective, the fact that you can see the potential sexuality in males and still choose women implies that you're comfortable in your sexuality."
"Uh..."
"You're not gay."
He dipped his head shooting her a hairy eyeball. Buffy just smiled. "I told you. I just didn't have to go gayin' it up to tell I didn't want to."
"Oh yeah?" Willow brightened, swiveling on her other best friend, "What about you, Miss Buffy Anne Summers?"
Lowering her eyebrows, she droned, "Some of us were smart enough to get that experimenting stuff done early, thank you very much."
"What?"
"What?"
"Oh," Buffy added, "I guess I, uh, never told you guys about that."
"Darn tootin,'" Willow excIaimed, "If you've been experimenting behind our backs, I think we should... wait, did you say early?"
"How..." Xander began, "Early?"
Now blushing a bit, Buffy stammered, "Oh, come on, guys, Iet's just leave it be. I'm not gay, end of story."
"I'm sure that is the end of the story," Xander eased, "But it's the beginning, and especially the middle that has me intrigued."
"Did you already know us?" Willow asked, seeming to be unable to hear the Yarious pithy comments.
Looking around, and then hunkering down to suggest a sort of threeman huddle, she sighed her resignation. "Okay, it was during senior year..."
"Hey," Willow stage-whispered, that's not as early as you made it sound like!"
"Senior year..." Xander mumbled, "Buffy, if you're gonna tell us what I think you're gonna tell us..."
With a dark Look she continued, "Whatever you're thtnking, I'm sure it happened. Just make sure you tell no one. Least of all Dawn."
They nodded.
"On second thought, make that least of all Andrew..."
They nodded again.
Just when the rumors of my demise are at their peak, I return to give this world another piece of unneeded fiction. So here we have it, "Cooties," the touching tale of... okay, not so much touching as inane tale of B/F-Luv in season three.
It's like "shipping," but more appropriately, a slant I think you can take on the middle part of season three. So no AU or changes in canon... just some things we might not have seen. Also, be warned. Dorky comedy ahead.
Finally, I do not own any of this, least of all the word, "Sidle." Those belong to Mutant Enemy. Even sidle.
-Forrest "DUNOTS" Walker]
PROLOGUE
"Once again," Xander Lavelle Harris emphasized, "Are you sure you don't know any mystical incantations?"
"Nope," Willow Rosenberg answered neutrally, "Fresh out."
Cocking his head and kind of shrugging, Xander continued, "Not even a little potion, possibly a savory one?"
Turning to her friend across the seat of the old school bus, she gave hm a judicious Look. "Are you sure you're joking? 'Cause you're starting to sound a little too serious."
Xander smited lightheartedly to the best of his ability, which was impressive considering the eyepatch. "Nah, don't really wanna be gayed up. It just gets a little..."
"Frustrating?" a voice came from behind him.
Xander whirIed about (incidentally hitting his jaw on the seat as the bus hit a bump in the road) to find the source of the intruding voice.
"To say the least," he added, "But I guess you know about that, eh, Buff?"
"Hearts is not this Slayer's strong suit," she groused, "Maybe spades.."
"I'm gonna vote cInbs," Willow chimed in.
Sighing, Xander interjected, "And Diamonds are forever. Point is, getting it on with the opposite sex is, and I say this at the risk of sounding bitter beyond my years, just too goddamn infuriating."
As Buffy knowingly nodded her assertion, Willow leaned back, a smug look on her face.
"And what are you so smug about, missy?'' Buffy prodded, literally as well as figuratively.
Trying to Iook away and at them at the same time, WIllow mumbled, "I told ya so."
"Hey,. Xander interjected, "You know I'll be the first to come down on the side of some good old-fashioned sapphism, but nobody likes to be told... uh, so."
"Well, it's not really so much the straight-ness that messes up most relationships," Willow said matter-of-factly, "So it's not like I'm hetero-bashing."
"Then what is the problem?" Xander played a1ong somewhat dryly.
"Men," Buffy answered.
Willow smiled. "Exactly. I mean, let's look at the facts, here. Men fear the commitment, men hound after the sex, men need the mistresses, and men don't remember the anniversaries. Bah. Who needs 'em?"
Buffy, for her part, gave a sharp nod at each comma.
"Plus," Willow continued, "Have you compared a naked man to a naked woman lately? Guys are all wrinkly stuff and superfluous hair. Xander, back me up, here. "
"I don't know if I'm betraying my creed by saying this," Xander shrugged, "But the lesbo has a point. A point, I might add, I've been both trying desperately to make and hoping desperately nobody realizes."
"Geez, Willow," Buffy noted, "Have you always been this, well, gay?"
Shrugging, the redhead noted, "Yeah, pretty much. I just had to go to college to rinse the straight conditioning out of my head."
"First off, let's nix this shower analogy before it gets out of hand, "Xander halted them with his hands, "And second, you were always gay?"
Witch in questton shrugged, Iaying her head on the back of the seat. "Yep. queer as, uh, the deal. Just didn't know it."
Nodding, Xander asked with a barely withheld grin, "Would I be out of line in bringing up all those times I tried to explain to you just why I preferred women so much better?"
"Yes," willow declared. "Even though. in retrospect, I probably should have paid more attention to, um, things. Feelings People."
"Not that I didn't Iike 0z Buffy interjected, a Look of thought passing from her face, "But you're just so happy with your... true self, I guess. I kinda wish you'd found out sooner..."
"Well, I think I knew, and that was the reason I didn't really do any experimentation. Now I sorta regret it. Everyone should try it out, say. You never know until you've experimented."
"How very scientific," Xander drawled.
Narrowing her eyes suddenly, Willow turned to Xander and asked sIowly, "How do you know you're not gay?"
"Wha?" he exclaimed taken aback a bit, "Oh, come on, as if any guy could tear me away from the ladies. Not even Sean Connery."
"You have a thing for Sean Connery?" Willow grinned.
Xander sputtered a bit before returning, "And you don't? C'mon, the man is masculinity personified. Can you blame a guy for looking up to the sun?"
"Humf," Willow stated glumly, "You're no fun."
Giving her a crosswise Iook, Xander asked, "Why, praytel, is a fondness for another man disappointing jibe fodder?"
Rocking her head back and fonh, she answered, "Well, I mean, from a psychological perspective, the fact that you can see the potential sexuality in males and still choose women implies that you're comfortable in your sexuality."
"Uh..."
"You're not gay."
He dipped his head shooting her a hairy eyeball. Buffy just smiled. "I told you. I just didn't have to go gayin' it up to tell I didn't want to."
"Oh yeah?" Willow brightened, swiveling on her other best friend, "What about you, Miss Buffy Anne Summers?"
Lowering her eyebrows, she droned, "Some of us were smart enough to get that experimenting stuff done early, thank you very much."
"What?"
"What?"
"Oh," Buffy added, "I guess I, uh, never told you guys about that."
"Darn tootin,'" Willow excIaimed, "If you've been experimenting behind our backs, I think we should... wait, did you say early?"
"How..." Xander began, "Early?"
Now blushing a bit, Buffy stammered, "Oh, come on, guys, Iet's just leave it be. I'm not gay, end of story."
"I'm sure that is the end of the story," Xander eased, "But it's the beginning, and especially the middle that has me intrigued."
"Did you already know us?" Willow asked, seeming to be unable to hear the Yarious pithy comments.
Looking around, and then hunkering down to suggest a sort of threeman huddle, she sighed her resignation. "Okay, it was during senior year..."
"Hey," Willow stage-whispered, that's not as early as you made it sound like!"
"Senior year..." Xander mumbled, "Buffy, if you're gonna tell us what I think you're gonna tell us..."
With a dark Look she continued, "Whatever you're thtnking, I'm sure it happened. Just make sure you tell no one. Least of all Dawn."
They nodded.
"On second thought, make that least of all Andrew..."
They nodded again.