Title: My Battle Now Done
Author: YamiJessi
Concept: Yuugioh.Jounouchi-centered angst. Implied Jou/Yuugi one sided.
Rating: PG13 for character death
Standard disclaimer: No, I don't own it, it didn't happen...it's kinda pointless to sue me because I own very little besides some rats.
They say that they crawl off to die, dogs. Everybody says a canine cares for people, listens to every sound, and lives as it is told to. It is true, I would know because I feel more like a dog now than I ever have before.
It was always a constant joke among everyone, Joey the dog. If Kaiba had not been such a jerk, well, it would have never started to begin with. Now I feel like I'll be known as a dog forever. Like a mutt, cast away and lying alone in the street. I would love to say that things have been good for me even with the troubles, but they never were. As a child I was the unwanted one, the one no one gave a damn about. Or worse still, the one always in the way. Only one who ever bothered to care back home was Serenity and
even she was taken away from me when I needed her the most.
So I learned how to not look back, how to hook my claws into that road before me and melt away into the night. I learned to fight, to run, and to survive.
It was a long, hard road that I thought would kill me more than once. As I grew older I found escape in the violence, a way to forget my pain in favor of some real physical agony. I didn't want to live; I didn't expect to see my next morning each time I woke to greet the day. A pointless life, I'll be the first to admit it, but I never was one to just give up and die without a fight. It would never had made sense, every life has a purpose and all the karma nonsense.
I had a few friends, people who would watch my back, as long as it didn't put their own safety in trouble. I lived the life of, well, a bully for the most part. It was easy not to care about anyone else when you could not even bring yourself to care about your own well-being.
Then, I was saved, like the mangy dog that I am, by someone who I never expected to give a damn. He was a rare thing for me, a friend who didn't ask anything of me in return. He listened, and didn't ask the questions that hurt too much to answer. He taught me how not to fight and tried to show me that some things in life are more important than losing yourself in the pain. He showed me right and wrong in simple ways. It felt like years passed like that, fighting along side him, laughing, and mocking. He taught me simple things, like how to duel, and more important lessons, like having a reason to fight for.
In the beginning I never did anything but get in the way and slow him down, and he never minded that for some reason. When we worked together it was an amazing feeling for me, like I had a purpose for once. He needed me, and I needed him. He helped me grow as a person until I was strong enough to stand on my own and not back down. I wanted to be that strong, so I could be there when he needed me to be. I know in the beginning I left him down too much, but I think as time went by I proved myself. If nothing else I showed how much I had grown when we faced each other. It was a difficult moment for me, but he looked proud and happy that I never did give up easy. And for once, defeat felt almost good.
He could show me the world's paths but he couldn't take the rough and tumble hound out of me. He put up with my brash ways, my eagerness to fight, my constant mouthing, and just smiled.
He was the best friend I had ever known and I would have died a long time ago without him. But, he wasn't there tonight, wasn't there to save my sorry hide this time. He was busy with her, the girl who stole his heart away. Our friend, a happy girl so eager to preach about friends and the importance of them. She overlooked the fact that in all her speeches and big words she missed the real point. She wanted to steal him away for her own, to take him away from his friends, and managed to do that. She stabbed her friends in the back by wanting all his attention and being too caught up in the moment to think about the rest of us. He didn't betray me, he just followed his heart. He always told me that following your heart was the most important thing in the world. Yeah, that just won't work for me.
It's not because I have no heart to follow, no will to find love. No, it is because I fell in love with the wrong person. I longed for the one I could not have, I crossed the ultimate line, I fell in love with one of my best friends.
Maybe it was the way he smiled, or even the silly way of speaking with such an eager expression on his face that drew me even closer. Maybe it was as simple as the truth that I didn't need to hear his voice to understand him, he could tell me so much with just those eyes. I saw his pain, and he knew of mine. I had bared my soul more often than I cared to admit, and he had offered the softest of nods and encouragement.
When he was worried about the darkness within himself I tried to return the favor, but I'm not so great with words. I think I failed him that time, because I just stumbled over my thoughts and ended up giving him almost nothing when it came to advice. It never was my strong point, good advice. I could run my mouth constantly and never say a word of importance. But just that once I wish I had the right words to make him happy because seeing him smile meant the world to me. His smile wasn't like mine. His was pure and bright and happy, he smiled with those big violet eyes.
My smile was never that bright anymore, it was as worn as I am, maybe from fighting myself for so long.
It hurt so much inside, seeing him with her. But, she makes him so very happy, what right do I have to stand in the way of that? I've ruined everything in my life, destroyed everything I touched, I have no right to even hope he would understand. I would have messed that up anyway with my awkward attempts to make sense of my own thoughts. Maybe if I had said something he would have tried to understand, maybe even turned to me with the same encouragement he always gave. No, I know he would have. He would have given up his own happiness to be there for me, which is how strong a bond he carries for me.
We were the best of friends, and I know he would have done anything for me to be happy. But I couldn't take his joy from him, he earned it, and has felt pain in life and fought his own battles. He deserved some happiness in this world.
I wish I could have loved anyone else, but my heart belongs to him. I would have died for him, I almost did a few times.
And Gods, I suffered to keep him safe. That is how I got into this mess, suffering for him. Some enemies just don't give up, even after the duels are over. He won't ever know that though, because he isn't here to understand it. I think it would strike the light out of his bright eyes then and there if he saw what happened. He never liked to see people hurt, and he hated the sight of blood.
So have to be happy that he wasn't with me this one time, grateful that he was with her instead. She led him away on some date, leaving me to worry about the shadows that follow him. I guess this was one time I should not have gone after those shadows. He didn't know I did that, he had no idea how often he is in danger. I always blamed the bruises and scars on some pointless fight when they ask, but nobody knew the extremes I have to go to just to see that he is safe.
There are moments when he seemed all-powerful and dark, but I worry that those shadowed figures will catch him when he is all innocence and hope. He wouldn't stand a chance like that. So I fight off those shadows for him. But, this time I didn't win, and I am finally going to pay for my loyalty. Because this time they didn't play fair. This time they were taking no chances, they were playing for keeps.
It scares me to think he might not be alright once I'm gone, that they may still hurt him somehow. I want to stand, to continue my constant vigil over him, but I know I don't have that option anymore.
They would laugh; say I am too young to know love, that I am just now a man so I could know nothing of such things. But, I know what my heart tells me, and it screams in pain from my loss. He was right, listening to your heart will show you every truth in life you will ever need to understand. I think he would be proud to hear that I finally understand this. He will never know though, he cannot.
He will never know until he finds me, out here, alone and far beyond the reach of this world's pain. He will cry, shed his tears, but then he will move on with life. He is strong, stronger than I could ever be, stronger than people think. He has a life before him, mine is now behind me. It doesn't hurt as much to let go as I thought it would, I just wish he had known.
But that secret will leave this place with me, as it should.
His voice remains in my head even know, repeating words linked to happier times. He said once that we were true friends, that I was never really alone when I was at the side of those who cared for me. Even if I were a million miles away from my friends they were always with me anyway. Those words were spoken way back when I was just a broken soul with nothing in the world to lose. But now I hold to them, knowing they will be the last thing I will ever know. And as I shut my eyes on this world it makes me smile, for he was right, even here in the darkness I don't feel so alone anymore.