Dear Ichigo,
I'm so, so sorry I haven't visited you. Well, I have, but I haven't made my presence known regardless. There are many, many things I want to tell you, but don't and never will have the courage to say to you. It could wreck out friendship, our bond, and that's just something I can't risk. Well, not in person anyway. She pauses, biting her lip. How to go on from this, she wonders.
I suppose I should start from the beginning, however long ago it may seem. It's hard to believe it was only 2 years ago, it seems like much more. But that might be because when I met you, I felt as though I has known you for so much longer. I felt the connection we have now before we were on a first name basis, let alone calling each other things besides "Shinigami" and "fool" though, fool is still a pretty common alias.
But, when we first met, I didn't know you at all. I thought you liked Orihime, which now I know would be a completely false assumption.
You just like to protect, a trait which is good and bad, though I'm a bit biased. Mainly because without that trait, I'd be dead right now.
I was so foolish, back then, how could you put up with me? I was willing to die that day. When you saved me, I didn't know what to think at first. Well, at first, I honestly thought you were an illusion. The thing I had been secretly, selfishly hoping to see.
But when I found out you were real, I couldn't stop my tears from flowing. The emotions were flooding me all at once. Gratitude, anger, compassion, confusion, relief, grief, and something else I won't name just yet.
I was so sure you would leave me there. I mean, after all, we barely knew each other. You had already tried to save me once, why risk your neck and try again? That's when I knew.
We would never be just friends.
Of course, we weren't in a relationship, no. But our bond went past that of friends that day, and I think you felt it to, whether you chose to acknowledge or admit it. But, I knew you realized when you didn't question my decision to stay in Soul Society.
There were so many things I could have said, but like always, I kept it short and sweet. What else would Rukia do? Anything else would have been out of character. So I spoke with my eyes, and I know you got the message.
I realize I didn't return to you after some time, and truth be told, I missed you. More than I cared to admit at the time. I missed our playful banter, your smirk, and the smile you only showed your closest friends.
I missed our other friends too, of course, but none as much as you. Like right now. But, on with the time line, I'm going slower than I'd like. I came back when the bounts showed up, yes. But I wasn't assigned.
True, I was supposed to be there this time, but I had to request that mission, and it took them weeks before the consented. It was worth it of course, since I got to see you again. I remember when we were in Uryuu's room in the hospital, and we were going to get water. You remember, don't you Ichigo? How we couldn't get the tap to work, and Uryuu ended up having to end the fight? Those were what I missed, our playful fights.
Though I seemed angry, on the inside I was smiling, I was happy again. Truly happy, and I hadn't been that way in a long, long time. Not since Kaien. I think now is the time you should hear the story, Ichigo, I've kept it from you long enough.
When I was younger and had first become a squad member, our lieutenant was Kaien Shiba. I looked up to him, and I loved him like a brother. Though, I admit, toward the end I had more of a crush on him then I cared to think about. He had a wife, though, and I was okay with that.
She was wonderful, perfect. Beautiful, kind, strong. I wanted to be just like her, and I strived to be so, though I must say I've come out far from it.
She died, fighting a hollow. The same hollow I fought in Hueco Mundo, when we went to save Orihime. He took over Kaien's body, and I killed him. Stabbed him through with my own sword.
Everyone called me a hero, even Kaien thanked me as he died. I was a coward. A selfish coward. I only stabbed him because I couldn't bear to see him like that, because I couldn't handle it.
I never thought of him, and I can never forget that.
That's why when Kukaku was mad at me, I did not care. Even if she had not forgiven me, it would have been alright, because I don't deserve it. Killing Aaroniero was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was like you fighting Grand Fisher, in a sense.
It was like killing Kaien all over again.
She pauses to wipe tears from her face, taking a hitched breath before continuing, steadying her shaky hands.
Back to the main timeline, then. After we saved Uryuu, time was peaceful for a short while. I returned to Soul Society once again, and things were nice. Until the Arrancars began appearing. We met again shortly after, you were in a rut because of your failure to protect, remember? I think that might have been our best reunion.
Snapping you out of your depression brought the light back to my eyes as well. I know Orihime was jealous, and I felt so bad for her, and I still do. We have a bond you and her could never share, and nothing can change that.
She still has hope, though, and I'm glad.
Though her heart may be broken when you read this, or it might not, if she still has hope, she will get through it. And, if it's not, her hope will have paid off, and I will be overjoyed either way.
We fought the arrancars after that.
Grimmjow took a cheap shot through my stomach, and you paid him back in full. Thank you, Ichigo, for avenging me. I suppose I paid you back much later, when he was about to kill you and I stepped in and froze him solid.
In the end, though, Shinji saved us both.
The arrancars took a break from attacking at this point, and many things took place in that short amount of time.
We had to take care of Lurichiyo, and it was fun acting like a kid with her, and even more fun watching you play big brother to someone you weren't related to. You're a very sweet guy, Ichigo, even if you don't want to admit it.
I like that about you.
You also saved me from my own Zanpakuto, twice. I don't think I ever repaid you for that, either, so Thank you again. Eventually, you saved soul society once more, and the arrancars re-instated their attack.
They captured Orihime, and we went to rescue her. I still remember your spiritual pressure. You, on your way to save Orihime, stopped dead in your tracks, and I felt your spiritual pressure grow a bit closer. I now know, you were going to abandon your search to save me. So noble, and again, so sweet. That urge to protect is strong in you, Ichigo, always to the point of recklessness, and almost to the point of death in some cases.
After that, you defeated Aizen. I remember watching you go, and though I didn't show much emotion, I was so, so scared.
Again, all the emotions flooded me at once, sadness, anxiety, fear, angst, compassion, and again, an emotion I will not name just yet. I suppose being a Kuchiki is what led to me disguising those emotions so flawlessly.
Like when, again, your need to protect almost cost you your life. When you tried to save Nozomi, not only for her sake, but for Kon's, who finally found someone he loved and cared about genuinely. And, after that, is when I realized.
The emotion I could not name before, and still have yet to name. I believe I realized it when Ukitake gave me the phone call. He told me to stop you fighting, and I said "But what about Ichigo's feelings?"
I care about you, Ichigo, even to the point of recklessness.
I knew you could lose your powers for good, but…if it kept that sweet, genuine smile on your face for a moment longer, I was willing to risk it.
How foolish.
It only weighed me down more and more, as you led me to that place. Those words I will never forget, however meaningless, "I saw you looking at this place earlier, I thought you wanted to go ice skating." You're so thoughtful, Ichigo, and still so sweet. I can honestly say that's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
It was fun, too, even though I almost fell more times than I care to keep track of. You were always there to hold me up, just like we hold each other up in life.
I did cry a bit, when you lay on the road, losing your powers. Ichigo, never, never were you a burden to me. Never did I have to put up with you.
If anything, you had to put up with me. At least, until we were close enough.
This ends the story, because I know after that, you couldn't see me anymore. I'm closing this with a few words, and a question. I love you, Ichigo. The emotion I could not name before is now in the open. The question being, do you love me, as more than a friend you just want to desperately protect? Even if not, that doesn't change what I owe you, and how grateful I am. Thank you, Ichigo. For everything. For a new life, happiness, and a chance to feel love again.
~Rukia Kuchiki,
Lieutenant, 13th Division.
She took a deep breath, sighed, and crumpled up the paper she had worked so hard to write. She threw it out the window, and proceeded to catch up on her paperwork. It was overdue, after all.
"What's this?" Hanatarou wondered, picking up the trash he had found. He scanned the paper quickly, and after he finished he smiled wide, running to the 4th division barracks. "I need to go to the World of The Living, Captain Unohana."
Ichigo groaned as he entered his room, throwing his backpack on his bed and running a hand through his fiery orange hair. He scanned the room, and his eyes fell on a wrinkled piece of purple paper. "A letter?"