Moment One:

I'm standing in front of him at the airport. He doesn't want to be here, and I don't want to be here. All he wants is to crush people's hearts, either with sound or words or cocaine. That's his secret weapon, you know: cocaine. He says it makes him feel strong and important and confident. But that's all bullshit. Cocky, male, testosterone, musician asshole bullshit.

I hate him. I hate his stupid singing voice, his stupid guitar, his stupid lying eyes, his stupid addiction. I hate him… and yet, I love him. No, no, I don't love him! I refuse to love him. In fact, I refuse to love anyone! Fuck love.

I go through the motions, trying to shake him from my skin. He's too pale… too skinny. I want to feed him. I want to hold his hands. I want him to be okay. But of course, I have to ignore him, ignore love.

Remember, Ellie- fuck love. Fuck trying to take care of anyone. Fuck chasing guy after guy after guy. Fuck holding hands, fuck kisses, fuck feeling good about being with someone. Fuck me- did he just say that he meant what he said? No Ellie, repel it! You've given up on love, remember? FUCK LOVE!

I can't help but cry. I just can't. No matter how strong my will power is… I have to admit that I love Craig Manning. So I turn around and I walk away. Fuck love, I repeat it over and over again. Fuck love, fuck love…

Moment Two:

There he is… apologetic, sweet. I can't resist Jesse sometimes. He's kind of like Craig… brown hair, can sometimes be sensitive. But then I remember his harsh words. The pressure to have sex. I thought that maybe, I did love him. And the next thing I know, he's taking off my shirt and kissing my neck and I'm shaking. And then he whispers that he loves me, and it's like Craig's lies all over again.

But I dive in deep; delve into Jesse like an icy pool on a hot day. I kind of missed his warmth. He smelled like the newspaper office and his familiar cologne. I realize now that I've forgotten about 'fucking love'.

We kept kissing, and kissing, tongue tangling with tongue. I remembered kissing Craig, Jesse was sloppy and wet. Craig was smooth and perfect. Our lips fit together, but Jesse's just slipped right past mine. He only wanted to get to my tongue. I never once touched Jesse's nose to mine. Craig's nose lay perfectly next to mine.

He's touching me all over and I don't know if I like it or hate it. I don't know whether to hit him or continue to kiss and touch him. And then I'm pretending to like it as some type of subconscious emotion. I don't really feel much. I'm losing my virginity to a guy I barely know. A guy that was right about Craig. But why isn't he Craig? Why do I want him to be Craig? I must be going insane.

I don't feel a connection to Jesse anymore, I honestly don't. The pain is overwhelming, but sort of good, like I guess a climax should be, and I almost call out Craig's name. I caught myself and corrected it- Jesse. His name is Jesse. When Marco comes in to yell at me, I tell Jesse to get down and I regret everything I've ever done in my life. That's what Jesse makes me feel like. So, why did I just sleep with him?