Harry Potter and the Harry Potter Of Hogwarts.
A Harry Potter Parody. Chapter 1.
It was a new day at Hogwarts, and another new Ron Weasley had been appointed. It was like an epidemic...none of the selected 'bestfriends-of-Harry-Potter' seemed to be working out; none seemed to be gelling well with Harry. This one seemed to be quite fitting from the start, if a novice...
"I'm bored Harry. What should we do today?" Said Ron. They were sitting in Gryffindor common room, and Hermione was sitting silently in a corner reading.
"RO-On. What do we ALWAYS do when we are bored?"
"Um..."
"Oh dear lord Ronald. How many times do I have to explain this! You know, you aren't filling in the role of Harry Potter's-bestfriend very well. You don't want me to hold auditions for a replacement, do you?"
"No Harry," he whimpered.
"Good. So you better listen carefully this time. I am Harry Potter, you are Ron Weasley, and in the role of my best friend it is required that you accompany me on all of my terrifyingly-dangerous-yet-I-always-get-out-of-it-and-they-usually-involve-Voldemort adventures, and, your 'thing' is that you are terrified and unsure, but stick by me loyally..." Ron nodded along, taking notes. "Hermione, who is over there.." he points.."She also accompanies us, but for the rest of the time, all of the time, she is reading or doing homework, no questions asked. It is her 'thing' to be all wise and smart and solve puzzles and say helpful spells for us..are you taking all this down? Good. Now, we shall go down the great hall for lunch."
They walk down the the great hall, avoiding some fireworks and flying lumps of cheese. Standing in a corner with raised wands, seemingly directing the cheese at first years were two identical red-haired boys. "Oh" Harry said. "That's Fred and George. General trouble makers...the comedians of the story. Hey Fred, George!"
"Hey Harry! DUCK!" George laughed, as he sent a piece of mouldy cheese straight over Harry's head.
"Wow." Ron said, amazed, as they continued their journey, Hermione's nose in a book...literally...
"Um...Harry...It's happened again...can you..." A very nasal voice asked. Harry sighed and removed the book from Hermione's nose.
"How many times...look, Hermione, you read it, but keep it at a safe distance from your nose."
They sat down at Gryffindor table and helped themselves to the vast amount of food which was just 'there'. And Owl flopped down and landed in front of Hermione with a newspaper attached to his head with pink wool. She took it off, gave the owl a raisin and put some coins into a sack on its leg, and it flew off again. Ron stared at it in amazement. Harry rolled his eyes.
"That," He informed him, "Was the post."
"Oh" Ron said.
Hermione, however, was staring at her newspaper suspiciously, and she looked up at Harry with a 'deep thinking face'.
"Here we go" Harry said. "What Hermione will inform us in the next few minutes will set us up for a quest to fill this story with. She will explain it in a very complicated manner, which I will translate into a dumber language for the world. What have we got, Hermione?"
"Right...there's an extremely dangerful and poisonous unidentified creature...it's been spotted...oh no...it's been spotted in the deep dark forbidden forest of Hogwarts...it holds...it has a secret unlocking device which is the only thing in the world that can be used to gain the secret powerful treasure hidden in the locked and extremely forbidden room on the third floor..."
"Ok. What've we got...basically there's a dangerous thing hidden in the forest which has the key to something on the third floor. Got it. Let's go see Hagrid."
Harry and Hermione stood up purposefully and marched down to 'Hagrids', while a totally confused Ron followed, looking up at the bewitched ceiling, horrified at the clouds...this room didn't appear to have a roof. He trotted along behind the other two.
"God I hate it when we get such an amateur...I swear he could pass as a muggle." Harry said, as they walked towards Hagrids.
Once they were at Hagrids, a small hut at the bottom of the grounds, they sat down and had a cup of tea.
"This is Hagrid. Our friend-who-became-a-teacher-and-tells-us-important-mystery-solving-stuff."
"Pleased to meet yer acquaintance!" the big man said.
"So how have you been Hagrid?" Harry asked, setting the ball rolling.
"Oh, er, strange ye should ask, 'arry. I was down the pub last night...it was very strange, some hooded character, very small...kept whispering "precioussss, precciioouusss" in a demented manner when there was a silence...anyway, he was telling me that he had given his key to this creature for safe-keeping, but it wouldn't give it back, and he didn't know how to calm it, well I knew, I said, and I told him, this particular creature can only be soothed by the sound of...er...a fart."
"A fart?" Hermione repeated, thoughtfully.
"Yeah. First it soothes him, then it stuns him, but only usually fat hairy people can do it satisfactorily, he asked me, but just at that moment, this tall wizard in a grey cloak came in and shouted "YOU SHALL NOT PASS...him a drink" at the bartender, which distracted everyone. Someone came and sorted him out though, but by the time I looked back, my drinking-buddy was gone."
"Interesting." Harry mused. "What did this fellow look like?"
"Well, he was under a hood, but I caught a glimpse of his hands...thin, pale and grey they were...he was almost like a frog...but that's silly."
"So a fart sorts this creature out then?" Harry asked.
"I shouldn't have told you that, should I? But it's ok, I know that now you will go and risk your lives and use this information and save the day, so, good luck!" He said and smiled them out of the door.
They were flung out by the power of the smile. They picked themselves up and dusted themselves off.
"That's some smile!" Ron remarked, incredulous.
AN…I'm sorry…I'm sorry….
A Harry Potter Parody. Chapter 1.
It was a new day at Hogwarts, and another new Ron Weasley had been appointed. It was like an epidemic...none of the selected 'bestfriends-of-Harry-Potter' seemed to be working out; none seemed to be gelling well with Harry. This one seemed to be quite fitting from the start, if a novice...
"I'm bored Harry. What should we do today?" Said Ron. They were sitting in Gryffindor common room, and Hermione was sitting silently in a corner reading.
"RO-On. What do we ALWAYS do when we are bored?"
"Um..."
"Oh dear lord Ronald. How many times do I have to explain this! You know, you aren't filling in the role of Harry Potter's-bestfriend very well. You don't want me to hold auditions for a replacement, do you?"
"No Harry," he whimpered.
"Good. So you better listen carefully this time. I am Harry Potter, you are Ron Weasley, and in the role of my best friend it is required that you accompany me on all of my terrifyingly-dangerous-yet-I-always-get-out-of-it-and-they-usually-involve-Voldemort adventures, and, your 'thing' is that you are terrified and unsure, but stick by me loyally..." Ron nodded along, taking notes. "Hermione, who is over there.." he points.."She also accompanies us, but for the rest of the time, all of the time, she is reading or doing homework, no questions asked. It is her 'thing' to be all wise and smart and solve puzzles and say helpful spells for us..are you taking all this down? Good. Now, we shall go down the great hall for lunch."
They walk down the the great hall, avoiding some fireworks and flying lumps of cheese. Standing in a corner with raised wands, seemingly directing the cheese at first years were two identical red-haired boys. "Oh" Harry said. "That's Fred and George. General trouble makers...the comedians of the story. Hey Fred, George!"
"Hey Harry! DUCK!" George laughed, as he sent a piece of mouldy cheese straight over Harry's head.
"Wow." Ron said, amazed, as they continued their journey, Hermione's nose in a book...literally...
"Um...Harry...It's happened again...can you..." A very nasal voice asked. Harry sighed and removed the book from Hermione's nose.
"How many times...look, Hermione, you read it, but keep it at a safe distance from your nose."
They sat down at Gryffindor table and helped themselves to the vast amount of food which was just 'there'. And Owl flopped down and landed in front of Hermione with a newspaper attached to his head with pink wool. She took it off, gave the owl a raisin and put some coins into a sack on its leg, and it flew off again. Ron stared at it in amazement. Harry rolled his eyes.
"That," He informed him, "Was the post."
"Oh" Ron said.
Hermione, however, was staring at her newspaper suspiciously, and she looked up at Harry with a 'deep thinking face'.
"Here we go" Harry said. "What Hermione will inform us in the next few minutes will set us up for a quest to fill this story with. She will explain it in a very complicated manner, which I will translate into a dumber language for the world. What have we got, Hermione?"
"Right...there's an extremely dangerful and poisonous unidentified creature...it's been spotted...oh no...it's been spotted in the deep dark forbidden forest of Hogwarts...it holds...it has a secret unlocking device which is the only thing in the world that can be used to gain the secret powerful treasure hidden in the locked and extremely forbidden room on the third floor..."
"Ok. What've we got...basically there's a dangerous thing hidden in the forest which has the key to something on the third floor. Got it. Let's go see Hagrid."
Harry and Hermione stood up purposefully and marched down to 'Hagrids', while a totally confused Ron followed, looking up at the bewitched ceiling, horrified at the clouds...this room didn't appear to have a roof. He trotted along behind the other two.
"God I hate it when we get such an amateur...I swear he could pass as a muggle." Harry said, as they walked towards Hagrids.
Once they were at Hagrids, a small hut at the bottom of the grounds, they sat down and had a cup of tea.
"This is Hagrid. Our friend-who-became-a-teacher-and-tells-us-important-mystery-solving-stuff."
"Pleased to meet yer acquaintance!" the big man said.
"So how have you been Hagrid?" Harry asked, setting the ball rolling.
"Oh, er, strange ye should ask, 'arry. I was down the pub last night...it was very strange, some hooded character, very small...kept whispering "precioussss, precciioouusss" in a demented manner when there was a silence...anyway, he was telling me that he had given his key to this creature for safe-keeping, but it wouldn't give it back, and he didn't know how to calm it, well I knew, I said, and I told him, this particular creature can only be soothed by the sound of...er...a fart."
"A fart?" Hermione repeated, thoughtfully.
"Yeah. First it soothes him, then it stuns him, but only usually fat hairy people can do it satisfactorily, he asked me, but just at that moment, this tall wizard in a grey cloak came in and shouted "YOU SHALL NOT PASS...him a drink" at the bartender, which distracted everyone. Someone came and sorted him out though, but by the time I looked back, my drinking-buddy was gone."
"Interesting." Harry mused. "What did this fellow look like?"
"Well, he was under a hood, but I caught a glimpse of his hands...thin, pale and grey they were...he was almost like a frog...but that's silly."
"So a fart sorts this creature out then?" Harry asked.
"I shouldn't have told you that, should I? But it's ok, I know that now you will go and risk your lives and use this information and save the day, so, good luck!" He said and smiled them out of the door.
They were flung out by the power of the smile. They picked themselves up and dusted themselves off.
"That's some smile!" Ron remarked, incredulous.
AN…I'm sorry…I'm sorry….