The Consequences of Herry Dating Hannah
There are two things that you must know before you read this fic. Firstly, it is crack and changes direction as suddenly Pacman. (He's got those 90 and 180 degree turns down pat!) It really isn't the best thing I've written. Meh. And secondly, the issue of 'Hannah'. Hannah is a character who I created out of convenience to make the plot work. All you need to know about her is that she's a part of the team (somehow), that she is otherwise inconsequential in the story and that, apparently, she's dating Herry.
This fic is for African Titan and all the other slashy CotT fans out there... There can never be enough slash... Don't worry, I'm writing more!
Summary: Contains noticeable traces of CRACK and SLASH! Jay and Theresa, Archie and Atlanta, and now Herry and Hannah? Neil has been surprisingly slow in noticing one of the latest trends in the team and Neil is NEVER behind on the trends. All he has to do now is convince Odie... Includes toenails, cross-dressing and Neil reassessing his masculinity.
Odie stared at the relativity problem before him, his physics homework, involving a 30m barn, a 50m pole, a pair of light activated doors and someone who happened to be running at near light speed.
"If it's light activated and he's running at near light speed, then the light would reach the doors at different times," he muttered to himself, scribbling a diagram, "Meaning... Meaning he'd never be fully enclosed in the building according to his frame of reference! Oh, Odie! You are the man!" He furiously began to scrawl his explanation, becoming more bored by the second as the euphoria that came with understanding quantum physics faded. Sure, explanations 'demonstrated his understanding', but they were murderously dull.
BANG!
Odie jumped about a foot in the air as his door slammed open to reveal a positively frantic looking Neil.
"Herry and Hannah are dating!" he shrieked, his extreme pitch and volume making Odie wince and fear for the safety of every glass object in the room.
"Oh, really? Well, that's great... So what?!" Odie asked, sounding slightly peeved.
"'So what', he says. SO WHAT!?" Neil screeched, continuing to utilise the higher end of his range. Odie eyed a nearby beaker as it rattled ominously.
"Herry and Hannah, Jay and Theresa, Archie and Atlanta. Everyone in this team is dating someone else on this team," Neil explained slowly, almost as if he was talking to a child. Odie barely contained a snort at the very idea.
"So, obviously it is totally 'In' at the moment! GAH! I can't believe I didn't notice it sooner." He dramatically threw his hand over his face and Odie let a small snigger slip through.
"AND!" Neil shouted with a glare, obviously noticing Odie's contempt, "We are the only two who aren't dating someone else in the team." He folded his arms and raised his eyebrows and the other boy pointedly.
"I still don't see where this is going," Odie said with a shrug. Neil heaved a sigh.
"You know, for a genius you can be kinda thick sometimes," Neil replied, examining his nails. Odie just rolled his eyes.
"Fine," Neil said with a sigh, "I'll spell it out for you. The whole team is dating each other, bar us. Ergo, to round everything out nicely, we have to start dating each other!" He finished happily, beaming at the shorter boy who was staring at him like he had suddenly mutated into something that managed to incorporate the characteristics of both a beaver and a slug.
"You're kidding me, right?" Odie asked, still slightly miffed that Neil knew the word 'ergo' and could use it in a sentence.
"Totally not! You're my ticket to fashionable dating, baby!" If Odie had been in a more objective frame of mind he could of sworn that Neil leered at him. Then he winked, and the terror set in.
"Errr... But- but..." Odie floundered desperately, searching for some justification that dating him really wouldn't be 'fashionable' in the slightest. "I'm terrible in all social situations! I make 97.5% of the conversations I participate in awkward beyond belief!"
"Awww, don't worry baby," Neil cooed, "I'll do all the talking for you."
"I have no fashion sense!"
"Oh, I already have an entirely new wardrobe planned for you. And I already know your size, so you don't even have to come shopping if you want to!" For one, crazy second, Odie felt the tiniest bit tempted... But then he regained his sanity.
"I forget to shower once or twice a week!" Odie exclaimed desperately, clutching at straws.
"Honey," Neil said, smiling charmingly and sidling closer, "With me around you'll never forget to shower again."
"I- I... I bite my toenails!"
"Ew! Really?" Neil asked scrunching his nose up as Odie nodded, "Huh... I'll live." He said with a shrug and smiled happily.
Just when Odie was about to give up hope, he had a brainwave.
"Aha! All of the boys on the team are dating girls! Heterosexual is the go, man."
"Oh," Neil said with a small frown, looking momentarily deflated. Odie held his breath and hoped his line of reasoning would be enough.
"Odie..?" Neil asked, doing his best rendition of innocent.
"Yes?" Odie replied warily.
"How do you feel about cross-dressing?"
"WHAT?! No! Why am I the girl?"
"Meh," Neil shrugged, "My shoulders are too broad. Besides, I'm such a manly man..." Odie stared at him as if he had just declared himself the Queen of Jamaica.
"Besides," the blond continued, "I'm sure you'd look great in heels... Yeah... Oh my God, you'd look hot in those Armani pumps I saw the other day!"
"High heels..? ARE YOU TRYIN' TO KILL ME?!" Odie yelled, hopping about like a maddened kangaroo.
"Oh, they aren't as hard as they look!" Neil added, patting the irate boy on the shoulder, "I was walkin' like a pro after the first twenty minutes!"
"Then why do you be the girl?" Odie asked.
"Well, I... Oh, so you're happy to date me as long as you're the man?"
"WHAT?" Odie exclaimed, momentarily dumb-struck by the fact that Neil had 'outlogicked' him.
"Odie! I never would have expected you to be the dominant in our relationship!" Neil gasped, "Ooh! Maybe you're a bit kinky then too! Cuz I didn't expect this dominant side, so then maybe I should question all my other assumptions. Because I assumed you'd be kinda straight-laced when it comes to... You know... But now... Odie, are you into bondage? Oh! And talking of 'straight-laced', you would look absolutely delectable in a corset!"
"NEIL!" Odie shouted, finally managing to get a word in edgeways.
"Yes, sugarplum?" Neil replied sweetly.
"Okay, first of all do not call me 'sugarplum' or 'sweetie' or 'honey' or any other convoluted pet name you happen to come up with," Odie said furiously, his eyebrows furrowed and his fists tightly balled.
"Hmmm..." Neil mused, "I kinda like this dominant side of you... Oh my God, does this make me submissive? I may have to reassess my masculinity!"
"SHUT IT!" Odie shouted, dangerously close to losing it completely.
"Oh, okay. Sorry!" Neil whispered, before miming zipping up his lips and throwing away the key. Odie took a deep calming breath.
"Now, listen closely, because I am only going to say this once," Odie said, enunciating each syllable as clearly as possible, "I am not going to date you, and nothing you say will convince me. Especially not because it is fashionable." Neil gave him his best puppy dog pout, but Odie valiantly ignored him and continued to speak.
"Also, I can understand how it might have escaped your notice, but I am as straight as humanly possible. Therefore, I have no interest in dating you." Neil opened his mouth, as if to speak, but quickly shut it again when he received a glare that rivalled the ones Atlanta threw at Archie.
"And lastly, if and/or when I end up dating someone, it will be because I like them as a person, not just because of the way they look." For a moment there was silence and Odie half expected Neil to burst into tears at any second. He steadfastly ignored the thread of guilt that realisation inspired.
"Okay, so can I talk again now, right?" Neil asked perkily, before beaming brightly at him. Odie blinked hard, trying to work out what had just happened.
"So, first of all, your 'straight as whatever' speech? That totally screams denial. Oh, and the whole 'liking someone as a person' thing isn't a problem either because, hello! I am, like, the most personable person around. People love me!"
"You know that doesn't change a thing, right?" Odie insisted, "Like I said, nothing you can say will convince me."
"That's not a problem either," Neil said offhandedly.
"Whaddaya mean it's not a problem? How else are you going to convince me?"
"Like this!" Neil exclaimed happily.
Suddenly, Neil was a whole lot closer than he had been moments ago and Odie idly wondered how he could move that fast. He barely had time to blink before a pair of soft, but insistent, lips pressed onto his, before drawing back nearly as quickly. Odie raised an eyebrow.
"Was that it?" he asked, obviously unimpressed.
"No, it doesn't really count. I just would prefer any running and screaming now before I get too... Invested in things... I don't wanna go wasting my talent, now, do I? Plus, it prevents the biting. Well, unwelcome biting at least..." Neil trailed off distractedly.
"Man, you are seriously touched in the head."
"Shush!" Neil admonished, "I was quiet for your explanation." He frowned and Odie was horrified to realise that he felt a tinge of guilt.
Then warm hands settled gently on his shoulders and he gasped when he realised that Neil was looking him directly and unflinchingly in the eye. The effect could only be described as hypnotic. Absently, Odie noted that the hands had slowly slid from his shoulders, gently up his neck with the barest of touches that was reminiscent of the touch of a fluttering moth and finally had settled cupping his face. The gesture was absurdly tender. Neil's face slowly came closer until Odie could feel the subtle puff of breath fanning his face. As Neil's face came closer still, his eyes slid closed and Odie subconsciously followed suit, like two butterflies opening and closing their wings in perfect synchrony.
First, he felt the soft touch of another pair of lips on his. He fleetingly remembered Calypso, but the two sensations felt too ridiculously different to be brought under the same classification of a kiss. Then the pressure on his lips deepened and he noticed his glasses pressing into the bridge of his nose, presumable because Neil's face was close enough to collect his frames. Neil drew back moments later, perhaps because he thought the shifting of his glasses had thrown him back to 'reality'. He was oddly pleased when he noticed that the blond's rate of breathing had increased, if only slightly.
The hands that cradled his face began to fall. Odie suppressed a whine and lifted his left hand to stop the progress of one of the hands. Neil blinked in surprise, momentarily frozen. With his right hand, shaky though it was, Odie reached up and removed his glasses. Neil's eyes widened and his breath seemed to hitch. Then he suddenly curled his hands deep into Odie's hair and swiftly brought their lips together. Odie gasped at the suddenness of the softness and heat. He could almost feel Neil's smile against his lips as he took advantage of his open mouth and smoothly slipped his tongue in. The moment that questing tongue touched his, Odie found his arms racing around to clutch hard at the back of Neil's shirt as he set about twining their tongues together. They soon broke off for breath, hot air ghosting between their open mouths.
"So," Neil asked between gasping breaths, "Did I convince you?"
"Maybe," Odie replied, sounding slightly sulky, "But, I'm straight! Straight as a pin!" Neil snorted.
"Straight as a safety pin, maybe."
"Aha. Very funny," Odie said, absently moving to touch Neil's hair.
"Ooh," Odie said almost wondrously, beginning to stroke the blond strands.
"Okay, here's the deal. I won't scream at you for messing up my hair if you agree to start dating me." Neil bargained.
"Do I get 24/7 hair touching privileges?" Odie asked eagerly. Neil heaved a sigh.
"Well, okay... But even though I won't yell I'll still whine about it!"
"Now, what are we waiting for? Let's go!" Odie exclaimed suddenly.
"Um, where?" Neil asked.
"I wanna tell the team that I'm the only one who can touch your hair!" Odie said excitedly, bouncing like a puppy.
"Odie, did you have an ulterior motive?" Neil asked, narrowing his eyes. Odie suddenly turned very shifty eyed.
"Maybe..." he admitted. Neil shrugged.
"Meh, let's get going already!" And with that, he grabbed Odie's arm and bolted out of the room, down the hall, in search of the others. Odie's voice, fading into the distance, could be heard yelling.
"You sure as Hell better not have dislocated my shoulder, you fool!"
And there we have it! Reviews are always appreciated, my darlings. Now, off I pop to work on a little fic involving some divine, slashy CotT-ness in the form of-... Well, you'll find out when/if I finish it. Do feel free to harass me about that... Anyway! Toodles!