"This is the Asgardian refugee vessel. We are under assault. I repeat, we are under assault. Aliens are dead, sliced open...Requesting aid from any vessel within range...Our crew is made of Asgardian families, we have very few soldiers here. This is not a war craft, I repeat, this is not a war craft."
==HIWSHE==
What was left of Asgard burned. The Hulk watched from the side, hidden away from the fight.
He wasn't sure why.
The Hulk thinks puny god hid him for joke then forgot about joke.
"Hear me, and rejoice. You have had the privilege of being saved by the great Titan." The squid-face man was saying to the dead bodies. The Hulk didn't think that was smart. The Hulk wanted to smash squid-face and monsters for hurting Angry Girl. "You may think this is suffering. No. It is salvation. Universal scales tipped toward balance because of your sacrifice. Smile, for even in death, you have become Children of Thanos."
The Hulk tried to smash. Except puny god had not remembered joke yet.
"I know what it's like to lose. To feel so desperately that you're right, yet to fail nonetheless." Purple man grabbed Dumb Friend's skull. "It's frightening. Turns the legs to jelly. I ask you to what end? Dread it, run from it, destiny arrives all the same. And now it's here... or should I say I am."
"You talk too much." Dumb Friend groaned in pain.
"The tesseract or your brother's head. I assume you have a preference?" Thanos bargained.
"Oh, I do. Kill away." Puny god answered.
The Hulk was angry now. He did not like Purple giant hurting Dumb Friend.
"All right, stop!" Puny god begged.
Purple giant stopped hurting Dumb Friend.
"We don't have the Tesseract. It was destroyed on Asgard." Dumb Friend explained. The Hulk remembered blue glowing box. Puny god used it to make monsters in New York City.
Puny god had it in his hand now.
"You really are the worst, brother." Dumb Friend groaned.
"I assure you, brother. The sun will shine on us again." Puny god assured.
The Hulk did not think it would. Puny god was stupid. Stupid god. Stupid god and Dumb Friend.
"Your optimism is misplaced, Asgardian." Purple giant warned.
"Well, for one thing, I'm not Asgardian. And for another...we have a Hulk."
Stupid god remembered joke. He let Hulk go.
The Hulk jumped out to Purple giant. The Hulk smashed. Purple giant was good fight. It reminded Hulk of the Fighting circle. It was fun to smash Big Monster.
Until Purple Giant started punching back. It hurt the Hulk. The Hulk did not like getting hurt.
Purple Giant smashed Hulk on floor. The Hulk did not like being smashed.
Orange eyed man grabbed fancy sword. He looked to the Hulk. "Forefathers...Let the dark magic, flow through me one last... time." The sword glowed bright like Stark's chest.
Bright light took Hulk away.
==HIWSHF==
"Seriously? You don't have any money?" Stephen asked Wong.
The Mystic-Art Master shrugged. "Attachment to the material is detachment from the spiritual."
Stephen huffed. Out of all the things he'd heard from Wong, the last statement was nothing out of the usual. Stephen knew he was supposed to keep the Sanctum stoked with food, the bare essentials needed for life.
Except Stephen used to live in New York City. There was no going to bare essentials after living as a doctor in New York City.
"I'll tell the guys at the deli." Stephen remarked. He put on his blue jacket. As much as he liked the Cloak of Levitation, it wasn't good for subtle. "Maybe they'll make you a metaphysical ham and rye."
"Wait, wait, wait. I think have 200." Wong began digging into his robe pockets.
"Dollars?" Stephen asked, waiting for the shoe to drop.
"Rupees." There it was.
"Which is?" Stephen asked.
Wong did some quick math. "A buck and a half."
Stephen sighed. He'd have to pay for both meals. "What do you want?"
"I wouldn't say no to a tuna melt." Wong replied.
Steichen accepted that he'd have to buy lunch. Again.
Something crashed in his stairs behind them. Stephen was annoyed by that. He really liked those stairs.
Stephen turned towards it. He summoned the Cloak. It didn't like being replaced by a blue jacket, which the Cloak angrily threw away.
There was a green man in the rubble of the stairs. He was fading from green to tan, growing smaller the less green he was.
"He's coming- Thanos is coming." The man explained in a panicked rush.
Stephen tilted his head. "Who?"
==HIWSHF==
So they gathered the Avengers. Tony called Steve for reinforcements. T'Challa tagged along, with Okoye and Shuri. A healed Bucky Barnes joined the fun. The Accords granted him a pardon for his crimes, what with all the horror they were about to face. Peter Parker came too. Tony made him an Avenger as they heard Bruce's story about Thanos.
They waited for Thanos to arrive on Earth.
They waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Tony stopped for a coffee break.
They waited some more.
Shuri challenged them to 'the floor is lava' which only she and Peter won.
They waited a bit more.
Bruce and Natasha made prolonged eye contact. Everyone unanimously agreed was awkward.
There was more waiting.
Wanda and Vision finally showed up. They'd been hiding up in Scotland, not noticing that their phones were ringing or that there was even something that was cause for emergency.
There was five more minutes of waiting.
Tony officially declared boredom.
"Seriously, you're sure this guy is coming here?" Tony asked Bruce.
Bruce pulled himself away from the prolonged eye contact. He nodded at Tony. "Positive. We have two Infinity Stones. Thanos will come here for them."
"Yeah but he's taking a long time." Tony complained.
"Let him." Steve spoke up. He walked up to Tony's side, brandishing one of his new Vibranium shields. "The longer he takes, the more time we have to prepare."
Tony grimaced. He knew that Steve was right. He just hated that Steve was the one to say it.
He still wasn't buddy-buddy with Steve or Bucky yet. He'd gotten over the Accords thing. It was Serbia and his mom that he couldn't get over.
Two days later, Okoye reported that a ship appeared in the sky over Wakanda.
The Avengers suited up.
Wakanda prepared for war.
Deadpool was asked to not come within four hundred feet of them.
Some old guy wearing sunglasses walked up to complain about them on his lawn.
The ship landed outside the Barrier.
Twenty minutes later, a group of aliens and one human approached.
"You sure this is the place, Quill?" A small raccoon asked, unsure. There was a walking tree beside him, playing a handheld video game.
"Yes. This is Terra." A definitely human male. "You put in the coordinates yourself. You should know!"
"I know, it's just this planet doesn't look stupid enough to make you." The raccoon replied. The human grimaced. "Unless they kicked you out!"
"Yondu abducted me!" The human argued.
"No. He was a paid scavenger delivering you to your father." A pale alien corrected. She had a set of antenna on her head.
"Yes he did. He told Quill he would eat him." A huge blue man with red lines drawn on his skin laughed. "And Quill believed it!"
"Shut up!"
"Enough." A green alien scolded them. She walked up to the Barrier.
T'Challa, Tony, and Steve approached the Barrier as well.
"Hello." The pale Allen waves her mother hand, beaming at them. "Are you the Kevin Bacon?"
Tony blinked at her. "What?"
"Thor said the Kevin Bacon was an Avenger. Are you the Kevin Bacon?"
Tony's first impulse was to tell the aliens he was in fact not Kevin Bacon. "Hold on- you know Thor?" Tony asked.
"Yes. He's on our ship." The green alien assured them.
"Indeed. You are lucky to have such a strong man for a leader." The blue man agreed.
Not that got Tony and Steve confused. "He said what?"
"I am Groot." The tree spoke up in a complaining voice.
"Oh uh...I am Steve Rogers."
"No, see, that's all he can say. 'I-Am-Groot'. In that order." The raccoon explained.
"Oh." Steve replied. Tony snorted at his expense.
"Yeah. He was swearing at you too." Rocket grinned. "If I didn't know who taught him that, I'd be worried."
"Hey Steve." Tony elbowed him. "Tell the tree to watch his language."
"He does this for you too?" T'Challa spoke up for the first time in this peace meeting. "I thought it was just for Shuri and I, as we are royalty."
"Oh no he does it to everyone. Cap, you told a king to mind his language?" Tony asked, chuckling.
"I was distracted at that time! It slipped out!" Steve defended himself. He turned to The Guardians. "Why is Thor on your ship?"
"Do you bring him here in service of your master?" T'Challa added.
The human grimaced. "My master? Oh who is that supposed to be: Jesus?"
"You're from Earth?"
"No I'm from Missouri."
"That's on Earth, dipshit, and Cap don't even try."
"I like him, Quill. He does not like you." Said the strong blue man to the human.
"Thor? Is he alright?" Steve brought them back to the issue at hand."
The green alien opened her mouth with an answer, only to be interrupted by a loud yell of joy.
"He's fine." Tony decided.
The Asgardian broke through the tree line, waving around an axe with a tree limb for a handle. Thor was laughing happily, testing out his new axe.
"Hello fellow Avengers!" Thor cheered as he approached the Barrier. He paused beside The pale alien. "Where is the Kevin Bacon?"
"They say he is not an Avenger." The alien answered.
"Pity. If he was a great a warrior as your friend claimed, I would have liked to meet him." Thor-bless his heart- actually made a pout about not seeing this new 'Avenger'.
"Thor? You're alright?" Tony asked.
"You got a haircut." Steve commented.
"You copied my beard." Thor countered, baming.
"We heard that you had been killed by Thanos." T'Challa admitted.
Then all the Guardians frowned, Thor as well. "Who could have reported my death?"
"Thor! You're okay!" Banner shouted from the crowd.
"Banner!" Thor was surprised. "Oh good. You're back. Just in time, I would say."
This was met by a: "oh shut up. You just want to see the Hulk!"
"No I don't." Thor lied.
"Yes you do." Banner and Loki answered.
Of course when the Trickster answered, the Avengers jumped back in fear.
"Loki!" Tony warmed over the comm.
Behind him, Black Widow goth out her biters. Falcon prepared his wings. Bruce tried to Hulk-out. It wasn't working.
"Bruce stop embarrassing us in front of the aliens." Tony complained.
"Ha! See that Rocket?! I'm not the only dumb human!...wait."
Loki loved the entire thing. "You were right, brother. It was a good idea to come to Midgard."
Thor rolled his eyes at his brother.
"Thor. Why is Loki here?" Steve asked.
"To deliver a gift." Loki replied before clicking his fingers.
A giant purple corpse appeared next to him and the Guardians. His head was missing. The golden gauntlet that Bruce remembered seeing there was gone. In truth, his entire hand was gone.
The Avengers all flinched away. T'Challa did not flinch. He'd seen some weird stuff. The most he gave the Guardians and Asgardians was a raised eyebrow.
"And how did you come by this...gift?" T'Challa asked.
Loki grinned widely. "Well, I'm proud to explain it to you. Was I correct in hearing you were a king?"
"I am King T'Challa of Wakanda." T'Challa replied.
"You are not a king. You are a cat." Drax argued.
In the distance, Sam leaned over to Bucky. "Knew it."
Back at the Barrier.
"It is a panther. Not a cat." T'Challa reminded.
"If my brother may?" Thor asked the Guardians.
"Of course, Pirate Angel."
"Quit calling him that!" Quill demanded. "It's weird!"
"Anyway." Loki interrupted. "After your Doctor Banner was magicked away, I came up with a plan to fell the Mad Titan. It was simple. I turned myself into the Space Stone, because I know that's what he likes. He took it in his hand to admire it. Then I changed back to myself-"
"He went 'blerg it's me!'" Thor interjected.
Loki carried on as if Thor hadn't said a word. "-so I could stab him in the head." He narrowed his eyes at his brother. "That's how you kill a Titan. On the head."
That actually made Thor look contrite. "I didn't know, alright?" He ran a hand along his buzz cut short hair. One day he would find that old man for revenge. Shave off his mustache, that thing looked majestic.
Remembering where he was, Thor turned to the Avengers. "It was a good plan, yes?"
"Better than 'get help'." Loki shuddered. He had nightmares about the 'get help' plan.
"Better than the dance battle to save the universe." Drax added.
"Much better." Gamora agreed."
"Wait, dance battle?" Tony asked.
"WAIT LIKE IN FOOTLOOSE!?" Peter Parker asked. Dammit, Tony forgot to turn off his comm.
Quill lit up. "Exactly like Footloose! Is it still the greatest film of all time?"
"IT NEVER WAS?" Peter shouted. Quill was offended.
"What about the other guys?" Bruce asked from the crowd. Thor and Loki looked at him in confusion. "Those four people that were with him?"
"The Black Order, a nasty bunch." Loki realized.
"That was when we arrived." Gamora piped in.
"Yeah we blasted those guys out into space!" Rocket cheered. "It was hilarious!"
"I am Groot."
"You know, you would've liked it if you weren't playing that stupid game!" Rocket scolded.
"To be clear." T'Challa interjected. Seriously, why did he have the least lines right now? This was his kingdom. Granted the Barrier of his kingdom, but his kingdom all the same. "There is no threat from Thanos?"
"None. The universe is spared the wrath of the Mad Titan." Thor assured. "From one king to another, I give my word."
"King of what, exactly?" Loki asked. "Your people died."
"Too soon, brother."
"I'm adopted. Ignore him."
"At least I did not lose Father."
"How was I supposed to know that building would be demolished?!"
"Okay." Tony interrupted. "We'll leave you guys to your Asgardian fight, not our issue. Thanks for the- Thanos corpse. Really spruces up the joint. I'm going back to the Compound. Pepper's been calling all day for wedding plans."
"Wedding plans?" Steve asked. He'd heard a rumor about it. Knowing Tony, Steve never thought he'd propose to Pepper. Not to be rude but just...Tony.
"Shield-Brother! You are marrying your beloved! That's good." Thor cheered. "I would have-eventually, maybe- done the same with my own, if Jane and I did not part ways. Mutually."
That time, everyone heard that and snorted. Even Drax, and he doesn't understand anything.
So that's how the Infinity War was avoided. Because one guy actually used his powers of shapeshifting for good.
The Avengers went out to eat after, for bonding. Tony took them out for donuts. For some reason, he'd been craving them all day.
==HIWSHF==
AN: I fixed it. Is everyone happy now? I'm happy now.