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Chapter One - The Vortex of Certain Doom

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The appearance of an enormous, mysterious, psychically-charged, swirling purple Vortex of Certain Doom in the laboratory of one Agent Sasha Nein didn't come as a surprise to the newly appointed Psychonaut, Razputin Aquato, nor to Sasha's longstanding partner, the Mental Minx, Agent Milla Vodello.

They were quite used to such strange happenings.

Not only because they were skilled government agents, equipped with a plethora of kickass mental powers, and trained to deal with any developing psychic occurrence quickly and without too much damage to public property - but also because they were now fairly used to having to cope with the byproducts of Sasha's madcap experiments.

Especially when they were prefixed with a seemingly casual conversation over breakfast that very morning:

"What are you up to today, Sasha?" Asked Raz, brightly.

They were currently seated at a cafeteria table in Psychonauts Headquarters mess hall. The higher ups had insisted that when on site, all members were to socialise during mealtimes. They argued that it was good for morale, strengthened mental fortitude, and also prevented certain members from locking themselves away for long periods of time and growing increasingly insane. It was their way of addressing a very real problem within the psychic community and everybody - apart from Raz, who had a small excited meltdown every time he got to see a famous Psychonaut from one of his beloved comics - absolutely loathed it.

Speaking of which, Milla had dragged Sasha out of his lab after an all nighter, and the German Psychonaut was even more monosyllabic than usual.

"Sasha..?" Probed Raz, when the older psychonaut had yet to respond.

Sasha inclined his head a fraction. "Nothing much." He replied haltingly, looking like he wished to be anywhere but there.

"Oh darling," smiled Milla, scooping out heaping portions of fruit salad onto all of their plates, "do not forget about our dinner date this evening!"

Sasha's mouth was a grim line. "It is not a date, Agent Vodello, it is official Psychonaut business." He pushed the plate of melon and grapes slightly to the side, having no intention of touching it, sipping on his black coffee in lieu of actual sustenance.

"Of course! That's what I said, darling." Milla brushed a piece of hair back from her face, with a beaming grin that lit up her whole face. She didn't seem to mind Sasha's nonchalance in the slightest. "And it's at our favourite restaurant, too."

Sasha put his coffee cup down, and then turned his attention to Raz before Milla could elaborate further, his cheeks bearing a slightly pink tinge. "In answer to your question Razputin, I plan to spend the day in my laboratory."

"Oh right," spouted Raz, eyes wide with interest, "you're still looking into that weird psychic phenomena?"

Sasha had been researching a strange phenomenon that had been occurring around The Mother Lobe lately. It was as if a great deal of psionic energy had been condensed into one place. If you looked at it for too long, it started to bend and warp reality, almost like something was trying to break through from the other side - not unlike in Raz's own mind, when his father had been pushing through his mental defences trying to gain access to his son's psyche.

"Indeed." Murmured Sasha, "The psychic disturbance has grown exponentially since yesterday. I have managed to contain it within my laboratory, but it requires further inspection. Perhaps if it is provoked in some way, it will reveal it's true intentions."

"So…" Raz raised an eyebrow, "you're going to… poke it?"

"Not in so many words. But yes."

"Cool," said Raz, shovelling some fruit into his mouth, "can I watch?"

As you can imagine, the big glowing portal popping into existence on the far wall of Sasha's lab at headquarters didn't come as much of a surprise at all.

The fact that it seemed to have its own gravity and was currently in the process of sucking things into its gaping maw did, however. The force was so strong that nothing could escape it, including the three Psychonauts that had the misfortune of being in the same vicinity as it.

"Razputin, don't get too close darling!" Called Milla, as the portal widened until it was as big as Linda the Great Hulking Lungfish of Oblongata.

It was similar to Linda in other respects too, as when under the influence of the mind control implant in her brain, courtesy of Dr Loboto, she had the propensity of swallowing children whole, much like this vortex was currently doing to Raz.

Unfortunately, Raz weighed less than the adults and his slim frame was getting sucked in much faster by the glowing swirling purple Vortex of Certain Doom.

He clung on to one of Sasha's desks, using all the strength in his arms to try and pull himself away from it. His legs were now horizontal with the floor, and one of his shoes got sucked clean off and flew into the spinning portal with a plop! Like a stone hitting the surface of a lake.

Looking up, Raz could see his fellow agents in similar predicaments. The vortex was too powerful, they had to find a way to get it under control.

"Strange, it is still emitting high levels of psychic energy!" Cried Sasha over the chaos, "I will try to close it! Hold on to something."

Raz felt like his arms were going to snap off. The vortex sucked in several reams of Sasha's paperwork like a manic vacuum cleaner, then it gobbled up his pen pot and started hoovering up anything loose - keys, experiments, volatile chemicals.

The desk that Raz was currently clinging to began to judder across the floor, screeching against the tiles as it too was pulled in, and Raz could feel his bare foot get dangerously close to the swirling mass. It was like dipping a toe in a cool puddle of water, and he had a moment of panic when he thought about that and yelled out, "Sasha!"

"Just give - me - a - minute!"

"Razputin!" Milla's eyes were wide but determined, one of her long arms was looped into a door handle, and the other had two fingers pressed against her forehead as she attempted to grasp him with her telekinesis. A large purple hand reaching for him. "That's it darling, just hold on! Do not let go!"

She turned to the pale faced Sasha who was currently trying to flip switches and controls with his mind, he had a steadfast grip with both hands on the console panel and his face was set in deep concentration, legs currently in the air as he too was getting sucked in by the portal.

"Sasha, darling," Milla cried, thinking of the other children she had lost, "you must hurry!"

Raz felt the Mental Minx's telekinetic hand grasp him firmly around the middle, and blew out a breath of relief. She gave him a nod, and a small smile, her long hair whipping around her face, and kept hold of him, unwilling to let go.

"Nearly… there…!" shouted Sasha, his glasses had long since been torn from his face and had disappeared into the beyond, and his voice was nearly completely drowned out by the roaring of the wind, "Just - a few - more...!"

Then the door that Milla was clinging on to was suddenly wrenched off its hinges, and everything was chaos.

Raz felt the warm telekinetic fingers around him loosen, as Milla was shoved forward by the force of the careening door, spinning out of harm's way and into Sasha, who grasped her around the middle with one arm. The door hit the desk and snapped in two. Raz lost his grip on the handle, and then he was airborne. His foot got sucked inside the cold portal, his legs, body and head followed soon after.

The vortex stole the very breath from his lungs and he didn't even have time to yell before he was falling.

Falling.

He landed face down in the dirt.

Spitting out a clump of grass, he rolled immediately out of the way as a large slab of door came hurtling through the vortex and nearly squashed him flat.

Phew, that was close.

He clambered to his feet warily and dusted himself off. The portal above him snapped out of existence in the dark sky, as if it had never even been there.

Well, looked like he'd have to walk home then.

Around him were scattered various bits of paraphernalia from Sasha's lab. The aforementioned wedge of door, which he toed with his foot, a few bits of paperwork completely shredded beyond recognition, some broken pens and an eraser shaped like a brain.

There was also a great deal of broken glass and a few chemicals that oozed into the ground and caused it to smoke a bit. Raz sidestepped the mess, casually. It was probably fine…

And hey, looked like Sasha's glasses survived the trip too, they were lying on the grass with both arms intact and only one lens cracked down the middle. He pocketed them. And there was his lost shoe about a metre away, he hopped to it, stood on one leg, and put it back on. Then he had a good look around him and tried to find anything that he recognised in the strange landscape.

He could have sworn it had been before lunch time back at the lab, but now the sky was pitch black and a white gibbous moon peeked out between a mass of silvery clouds.

"Sasha?" He called out, "Milla?"

Where was he? This place felt weird. Maybe he just got spat out in a different town or something, he might have to get the bus back to headquarters.

He reached out with his brain, stretching out telepathic fingers and trying to touch minds with Sasha and Milla. But if was like there were no minds to connect with. Only echoes, so far away he could barely make them out.

Okay, so this was looking pretty bad. But he'd been in worse scrapes before.

He should look around, see if there were any clues as to his whereabouts, at the moment there was nothing but rose bushes, grass and trees and a few figures in the distance. He reached up and pulled down his goggles, then started walking.

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The portal snapped out of existence with a small pop.

Sasha's laboratory was a complete write off. The furniture had either been completely destroyed, or had disappeared entirely. A few papers drifted to the ground like ash settling in the aftermath of a blazing inferno.

Milla and Sasha picked themselves up off of the floor, where they had landed in a heap of limbs when the portal's gravity had shut off. Sasha shaded his eyes. He reached into a pocket and pulled out an identical pair of glasses and put them on.

Milla was on her feet in an instant, rushing over to the wall where the portal had been.

"Razputin!" She shouted, putting a gloved hand against the pockmarked surface, the other on her head to help focus her psychic powers. "Razputin," she closed her eyes tightly, "no, no, no. I had him Sasha, I had him but I… I let him go - I couldn't save him, he - he is not gone, surely!"

Sasha came up beside her and studied the wall with a frown. "I do not believe so. My understanding is that the portal was a result of two dimensions meeting, our world and another, the collision of the two energies caused space-time itself to distort. If this is indeed the case, then Razputin may have travelled between these two dimensions."

"Then he is lost somewhere? Milla pressed her fingers against her head desperately. "I … I cannot contact his mind."

Sasha nodded grimly, "I also am unable to make contact. He must be out of range."

Milla made a fist with the hand that was pressed against the wall, face determined and eyes tear filled. "Then we must reopen the portal and get him back!"

Sasha was silent.

Milla turned to him, with a pleading expression marring her usual carefree face, "Darling…" she implored, "you must reopen the portal quickly, there is no telling what could happen to Razputin in a different dimension of all things - we do not even know where he has ended up."

Sasha's face wore a grim expression. "I… do not know how." He admitted. "The psychic energies that caused the portal to open, with some help from myself, have been used up. It was not I who managed to close the portal, it had consumed all of the energy and could no longer sustain itself."

Sasha suddenly found himself with an armful of weeping Milla Vodello.

He stood stiffly for a moment, assessing the sudden turn of events calmly. He was not completely out of practice with dealing with the tumultuous emotions of his partner; Milla was prone to such outbursts. Especially when children were involved.

He was also not immune to his own emotions either, despite what many thought of him, and could feel the stirrings of guilt and grief deep within his usually organised mind.

He pushed the feelings down inside of himself with practiced control, and patted his partner lightly on the head. It did not do to dwell on past mistakes. He was a scientist, and science was deaf would help them now.

"Milla," Sasha said with conviction, "I will find a way to bring Razputin home."

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Raz had only gone about a yard in one direction, before he found himself suddenly surrounded by figures on all sides, each of them holding a thin knobbly stick in their hands which were pointed menacingly in his direction.

"Surrender!" One of them shouted.

"Huh?" Said Raz eloquently, instincts kicking in and a hand raising up to put two fingers against his forehead.

"Stupefy!"

And then a beam of light came shooting out of one of the sticks, so fast that Raz couldn't put a shield up in time to block it and it hit him in the chest. It was like getting thwacked with a block of ice.

Raz went completely rigid and fell backwards like a sapling in a strong breeze.

He lay flat on his back, looking upwards into the star dappled night sky, at constellations he didn't recognise, and wondered what the hell had just happened. That must have been one hell of a psi-blast. He tried to get up but his limbs wouldn't cooperate, they were as stiff as a board, and his head felt like it was full of slushy ice.

Then his vision was filled with bobbing heads, as the strangers bent over him with scrutinising eyes.

"Wait." Said one, clad in a purple hat. "He's just a kid."

Hey! Thought Raz, sluggishly, he may be young, but he was a fully fledged Psychonaut. He'd show these guys! If he could just get a hold of his thoughts… ugh… he felt weird… like they'd reached inside his brain and scrambled it like an egg… he couldn't seem to get a hold on any of his psychic powers.

One of the strange men shook his dark head, brandishing his stick about. "Don't underestimate him. He could be dangerous. That was a bloody big portal that spat him out, looked like Dark Magic to me."

"Yeah, what if he's in league with Black?" Said another, squinting his eyes.

"Oh don't be ridiculous, Ed! It's just some kid and a case of accidental magic, that's all. He can't be older than twelve."

Hey! Raz pouted. Oh, no, wait… that was true.

"Fudge'll be miffed, if that's the case. He was hoping to catch Black with his trousers down, so to speak."

"Oi." Said the dark headed one. "I thought you stupefied him. He's still awake - look, his eyes are moving." One of them nudged Raz in the ribs with his shoe. Raz blinked dazedly, reaching for psychic powers that shrank back away from him, disappearing into the cold distant fog of his mind.

They all frowned down at him.

"Well, in any case," said another, leaning in and addressing Raz directly, "You'll have to come back to the Ministry with us."

Raz wasn't sure how they got wherever he now was.

That psychic stick blast had knocked him for six, and his recollections were hazy. He was aware that they'd travelled, because he wasn't in the grassy area anymore. He felt like they'd moved somewhere in the blink of an eye, two of the strangers had gripped him firmly by the wrists and with a nauseating lurch, they'd ended up somewhere else.

Like teleportation? He hadn't realised that was a psychic power. He had to learn that. Could come in handy. Maybe he could use it to visit Lili more often…

When he finally gathered his consciousness together in one place, like collecting so many rolling marbles, Raz found himself in a set of old fashioned offices. He was currently sat in a waiting area on an uncomfortable wooden chair, having been plonked there by the group of strangers, and told in no uncertain terms that he was to stay there until called upon.

Obviously, he had no intention of doing that. Who knew who these creeps were? They'd basically kidnapped him. Not that he wasn't used to that by now...

He reached out with his mind, still foggy from the blast, but again there was no trace of Milla or Sasha or Ford, even when he concentrated so hard he thought a vein might come popping out of his head.

There was no evidence of Lili or his father, he couldn't even sense any other Psychonaut, or psychic even, not within around 50 miles where his telepathic range ended. He had reached into his pocket for Sasha glasses to try out his clairvoyance on them, but even that hadn't worked. His powers had just fizzled out without showing him anything.

Okay, Raz. Keep it together. That could mean anything.

He focused his stringy clairvoyance on the people around him instead, maybe they could tell him where he had ended up, or at least give him a clue.

Someone on a chair to his left was nervously wringing their hands together, mind full of trepidation for a job interview at somewhere called The Ministry of Magic.

That must be this place. The strange people who'd kidnapped him had said they were taking him to the Ministry. But the Ministry of Magic? Magic? Really? Everyone knew that was a load of hooey. He could just see Sasha face-palming at the thought of it.

Magic didn't exist. It was just what people called psychics sometimes, when they didn't understand what they were.

The receptionist was eyeing him with a small scowl. Raz wouldn't be disappearing anywhere under her watch, even if he could get a proper grasp on his psychic powers. Her mind was a jumble of thoughts on this Magic stuff too, that and what she thought of a young man called Jeremy in the Department of Mysteries. Raz quickly exited her head at that.

"Hey," Raz started gingerly, "there's been some mistake. You see, I'm a Psychonaut ma'am, and I'm here on official business. I just need to contact Headquarters and they should be able to straighten everything out - do you have phone I can use?"

The receptionist looked him up and down. "A what?" She asked, with a scowl.

"A telephone." Raz repeated slowly, eyebrow raised.

She stared. "Are you a muggle or something? We don't have fellytones here."

Raz realised that if this woman didn't even know what a telephone was, she was hardly likely to know what a Psychonaut was.

He suddenly had a horrible thought.

Sasha had been experimenting with portals long before Raz had even met him. One of the True Psychic Tales earlier issues had even addressed Sasha's experiments with opening mental portals to crazy depths hitherto unknown to psychic kind.

The brain tumbler itself was a portal to the mind.

The thing was, Sasha had been branching out lately, and instead of researching and creating portals primarily made for accessing the astral plane, or the inner machinations of the mind, he had instead more recently focused on his other hobby - contacting outer space with telepathic messages, and experimenting with strange psychic phenomena related to the fabric of space time itself.

It wasn't such a stretch of the imagination then, to believe that he'd accidentally stumbled across a portal that could travel through space, or even dimensions.

Which meant that maybe the real reason Raz was having trouble contacting anyone, was because he wasn't even in his own world anymore.

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Author note:

I am in dire need of a beta reader, any takers? Please?

And yes, this is a Psychonauts/Harry Potter crossover. The first of its kind. Because I'm actually crazy. Tehe.

Kindly review and let me know what you thought :)