Dark Dreams

Sweaty, shaky and out of breath.

Amanda bolted out of bed for the fifth time this week, gasping for air as her tears clouded her vision and her chest aching from the forceful heartbeats in the aftermath of the terrible dream. Going back to sleep was not an option, she knew that. Instead she would have to spend yet another night watching tv and drinking pot after pot of coffee to stay awake, trying to keep busy so her mind wouldn't travel back to that horrible time when Patton had raped her.

It happened years ago but the Reese Taymore case had brought it all back up to the surface again and she felt as if she was sinking into a bottomless pit no matter how hard she tried to stay afloat. She never talked about it, never uttered a word to anybody about what had happened all those years ago, except for Olivia. She knew. She knew what Amanda had endured but no details had ever been spoken of. The dreams were so real, so vivid that she could feel, smell and hear Patton everywhere, behind every corner, lurking in the dark and she was constantly on her watch, nervous, jumpy and extremely tired.

The dark circles under her eyes spoke of her fatigue and exhaustion and make up wasn't even an option any longer. They were too prominent, too visible for anyone not to take notice. The time on her phone showed that it was just after two am and she had only slept for a couple of hours before she had, once again, woken up screaming from an all too familiar nightmare and there was no way she could go back to sleep now.

She drained the first cup of coffee in less than two minutes before pouring herself another one, sat down on the couch and turned the tv on. The background sound was somewhat soothing and it slowly brought her back to the present and her heart and breathing returned to normal. She never thought it could get this bad. She had suffered bad nightmares months after she was assaulted but they had faded with time and eventually vanished all together but now, this time, it was different. She didn't seem to be able to catch a break and when she did, it only lasted for a short period of time, not long enough to catch up on some sleep or even eat a proper meal and because of that, her stomach was in knots.

She could no longer focus on her job, her mind was elsewhere, her attention span was short and her mood low and snappy with a short fuse to top it all off. Her life was a mess. She was a mess.

There was nothing on the tv that interested her but she still kept on surfing the channels in hopes that something would come up to hep her keep busy. A familiar pressure was building deep within her chest, like a heavy weight that had been placed upon her, restricting her breathing and squeezing whatever air she had left out of her lungs. She knew that coffee was bad for anxiety, very bad, but if she didn't get enough caffeine in her run down system, she would surely suffer nightmare after nightmare. Sleep was simply not an option.

The tightness in her chest became too much and she began to wheeze. The tv was no longer helping, the coffee was forgotten about and all she could see, hear, feel and smell was Patton's aftershave, his evil snarl, his deep throaty laugh and his rough hands as they groped at her most intimate body parts. She was lost.

She fumbled with her phone. Scared, alone and on the brink of a panic attack, she called the only person she felt safe calling, especially at this god forsaken hour of the morning. Olivia. A few months ago the thought of calling her boss, in the middle of the night just because she had suffered a bad dream, wouldn't even had entered her mind. She had always been a private person, a dependable and responsible adult who could take care of things herself, no matter what life threw at her but now, she felt absolutely and utterly alone and broken. She wanted Olivia, needed Olivia.

"Amanda, what's wrong? Do we have a case?"

The sleepy and raspy voice of her Lieutenant echoed inside her brain and it was obvious that she had woken her up. What sane person would be awake at this time anyway? Of course she was asleep, why wouldn't she be?

"Amanda? What's going on?" she repeated when there was no reply.

"Li... Liv! Hel... help me!" she stuttered as the wheezing became worse, the velvetly and concerned tone in the Lieutenant's voice caused tears to well up and roll down her face.

Olivia was now wide awake, sitting up in bed, hair toussled from sleep. "What's happening, Amanda? Where are you? Are you at home in your apartment?"

"Ye... yes! Please, I... I can't... I can't breathe. Panic... I... I can't... I can't..."

"Shh, honey, easy." she hushed into the phone, her heart clenching as she heard her co-worker's strangled sobs. "Are you having a panic attack?" The ragged breathing hitched as Amanda let out a barely audible 'yes' followed by gut wrenching gasps for air. "Okay, sweetheart. I want you to sit or lie down somewhere comfortable, close your eyes, place your hands on your stomach and breath. I'm on my way over to you but, until I get there, I want you to try and get your breathing under control, okay? I'll be there as soon as I can, I'm already up getting dressed so I shouldn't be too long. Can you hold on for me, honey?"

Liv had Amanda on loudspeaker so she had both hands free to dress herself and get ready. She didn't care what time it was, night or day, Amanda clearly needed her help in some way, shape or form and she felt somewhat honoured that the young blonde had decided to call her and not her partner.

She drove as fast as she could, breaking many speed limits but that was the last thing on her mind to worry about. Amanda had promised to try and focus on her breathing while waiting for her boss and friend to show up but it was proven difficult as the images of Patton wouldn't leave her alone no matter how hard she fought to keep the away. She was somewhat surprised herself that she had actually woken her superior officer in the middle of the night, crying like a baby and begging for her help and the shame and embarrassment began to slowly creep up. It was a very unprofessional and inappropriate thing to do, especially when it involves your boss, but the strong hold of the panic attack brought out a raw and primal fear within her that she didn't recognize or were familiar with and it scared her.

Liv had told her to close her eyes but the image of Patton's devilish grin played in front of her every time she did and decided to keep them wide open, focusing on a point on the wall behind the tv, trying to slow down and regulate her intake of air. She was almost frozen to the spot, not aware of what was going on around her at the time and didn't even hear Olivia's frantic pounding on the door or her loud concerned tone echoing through the empty hallway on the other side of the door.

"Amanda, can you hear me? It's me, Olivia, are you okay? Can you open the door for me, sweetheart?" nothing. "Damn it, Rollins, open this door right now or I'll break it down myself." she placed her ear against the hard wooden surface, listening for any type of noise coming from inside and she could make out faint sobs and cries from behind the door. "Move away from the door, sweetie, I'm coming in."

With one single powerful kick, the door swung open with a loud bang, startling Amanda who had spent the past twenty minutes trying to calm down. She screamed at the unexpected noise and flew up from her seated position on the couch, hands held out in front of her as if to protect herself from an invisible threat, tears streaming down her cheeks, creating wet streaks down along her face.

"Hey, honey, it's just me, I'm not gonna hurt you. I knocked on the door several times but you must've been too upset to hear me, ugh? Are you okay? What happened?" slowly she approached the upset and panic ridden blonde, hands spread out along her sides to show Amanda that she ment her no harm and that she was there to help. "Are you hurt? Did someone hurt you?"

As soon as Amanda realized that it was Liv and not a threat, she wrapped her arms around her middle and slumped forward, crying hysterically. "I'm sorry, I'm s-s sorry, I..."

"Don't apologize, honey. Never apologize for calling if you need me. I'm glad that you called and I'm here because I want to help you with whatever is going on. Can you tell me why you're so upset, sweetie? What brought this on?" the need to take Amanda into her arms and hold her tight was so strong but she refrained from it for the moment, hoping that the younger woman would initiate physical contact if she wanted.

It was difficult to hear what Amanda was trying to say. Between forceful sobs, gasps and sniffles, she could only make out a few words and had to put two and two together. "I... I was asleep and... and I... and I was dre-dreaming... Patton he... he hurt me, I... I.. I saw him, c-couldn't get away, h-he held me down and..."

"Okay, okay, slow down honey." Liv understood what she was trying to say and it was obvious that the nightmare must've been very real for Amanda to act the way she was. The blonde was dressed in shorts and a tank top, a large noticeable patch of sweat was showing on her upper chest but she could see the goosebumps on her slender arms and legs. "Why don't we sit down on the couch and I'll get you a blanket. You must be freezing."

Amanda stumbled on shaky legs and sat down in the corner of the sofa, trying to get her breathing to slow down as well as her heartbeat. She had never felt this scared and vulnerable after a nightmare before and it puzzled her, wondering why everything seemed so magnified this time, why she had decided to call Liv.

A blanket was suddenly draped across her lap and tucked around her shoulders, the warmth slowly penetrating her cool and clammy skin and a whiff of Olivia's perfume filled her nostrils, the calming scent of sweet and spicy made her, unconsciously, lean towards her boss, hungry for comfort and safety. Liv took it as a sign that it was okay to offer some physical support and tenderly roped her arms around the small form, almost pulling her into her lap. Amanda then drew her knees up to her chest, placed her head on the brunette's shoulder and cried.

"Oh, honey! It was just a bad dream, a really really bad dream. You're safe now and he can't hurt you anymore. I'm right here with you and I'm not going anywhere. You're safe, my love, you're safe."

It broke her heart listening to her friend's desperate cries for help and all she could do was to hold, sooth and talk calmly to her until the storm would pass, no matter how long it would take.

"I'm so sorry for waking you up, Liv. I... I shouldn't be feeling this way, I shouldn't be feeling the need to be... to be... comforted. I..."

"Why not, honey? Why do you think that?" Liv hushed into her ear, letting her fingers comb through tangled blonde and sweaty locks. "Tell me."

The soothing motion of her Lieutenant's digits gently scraping against her scalp caused her to snuggle closer into the warm embrace and Olivia adjusted them both so that the blonde was now fully in her lap, tucked inside the thick blanket. "It happened so long ago. I... I don't understand why I'm feeling this way now, after all those years. I just... I feel like like it just happened, as if I was just... just... just... raped." the last word came sputtering out as if it was filled with venom, her body shaking almost violently as she said it out loud.

Liv just held on to the quivering form, rocking them both from side to side in a slow but steady rhythm, her left hand holding her in place as her right one kept up the comforting movement of stroking her head and hair. "There's no time limit on your feelings, honey. It doesn't matter if it happened yesterday, last week or even ten years ago. You went through a trauma and we all have different ways of dealing with things. The Taymore case obviously brought up bad memories for you, thoughts and feelings that you probably didn't realize that you had and it's all coming back to you through nightmares, panic attacks and flashbacks. It's completely understandable, sweetheart."

Amanda had buried her face in the crook of Olivia's neck, absorbing the warmth and comfort that the older woman so willingly offered, breathing in her scent and relishing the softness of the tanned skin. "I thought I was doing fine." she mumbled, bringing a hand up to swipe it across her red rimmed eyes, shivering again as she felt a gentle kiss being placed on the top of her head.

"Well, maybe you were for a while, honey, but sometimes it can come back when you least expect it and it's your body's way of telling you to deal with it in a healthy and proper way so you can finally begin to heal. I'm right here with you and I will do whatever you need to help you get through this." Liv whispered fiercely into her ear and kissed a flushed cheek.

"I don't want him in my head anymore, Liv." she whimpered and the shivers started once again, the sweat, caused by the nightmare, that was previously coating her skin, was now drying, making her tremble with the cold.

"I know, sweetpea, I know. I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make him go away, I promise you that. Right now, we need to get you into a warm pair of pajama and then tucked into bed. You're absolutely freezing, honey."

Olivia guided the blonde into her bedroom and, with Amanda's help, she found a thick fleecy top with pants to match and helped her get dressed. Even tucked underneath the covers she couldn't stop shaking and Olivia sat by her side, rubbing her hands up and down Amanda's back, hips and arms, trying to speed up the process. "Try to relax, sweetie. You'll warm up soon."

"I'm so cold, Liv." Amanda's teeth were shattering, the noise echoing through the silent room engraving itself into Olivia's heart.

The brunette ran her fingers through disheveled blonde locks and cocked her head to one side, looking down at the petite curled up form, her eyes full of concern, care and kindness. "Do you trust me, honey?"

Frowning, Amanda nodded, not entirely sure why Olivia would ask her that particular question. She trusted her boss with her life and knew that she would do anything for anyone in the squad, probably even break the law in some cases since the tie between all the detective's were very strong, like a family.

She watched as Liv removed her long coat, revealing a pair of black yoga pants and a sweatshirt underneath, kicked her shoes off and swiftly slid under the covers next to the frozen younger woman. "Come here, honey." Liv's voice was low and husky, soothing and reassuring at the same time and Amanda only hesitated for a split second before she crawled closer to the tall Lieutenant and felt a pair of strong arms wrap around her, holding her close.

It was a very intimate position to be in, especially with her boss, but the need to feel safe and cared for after the horrors of her dream was stronger than the urge to pull away. Instead, she nestled her face into the crook of Olivia's neck, savoring the scent and the softness of the woman holding her so tenderly, feeling the warmth radiating from her body, penetrating her own chilled skin.

"Thank you for letting me do this, Amanda."

The sound of Olivia's voice startled her slightly after a long silence and the blonde could now feel her body temperature returning to normal, her shivering almost gone. "Do what?" she questioned, not sure what the brunette ment by that.

"Thank you for calling me, asking me for help and for letting me hold and comfort you. I know how hard that must've been for you and I really admire you for that." Liv explained as she slowly rubbed a hand up and down the length of her back, creating soothing patterns on the fleecy material of Amanda's pajama top, hoping it would help her relax.

"I feel... I feel weak... vulnerable... pathetic. I shouldn't need coddling, I'm a grown woman for god's sake. I can't believe I turned out to be such a mess." she sniffled, feeling Olivia tighten the embrace.

"There's nothing wrong with that, honey. You're only human and you can't be strong all the time and that's where we come in, the squad, your friends, your family. We are your family, Amanda, whether you like it or not and I'm more than willing to help you with whatever you need. Asking for help is not a weakness, it's a strength."

The sleepy blonde just cuddled closer to the warmth of the body next to her, feeling a wave of security she's never felt before but she was still apprehensive to fall asleep, knowig what would more than likely be waiting for her at the other end of unconsciousness. "Im scared to fall asleep. I don't want Patton to hurt me anymore." she whimpered, her bottom lip quivering with emotion and exhaustion, the need to sleep getting stronger by the second.

Liv could feel the warm tears on her skin and the slight tremble coming from Amanda's body and she ran her fingers down the soft wet cheek of her friend, kissing her temple. "I know it's scary but he can't hurt you anymore, I'll make sure of that. I'm gonna be right here next to you the whole time and if you have a bad dream then I'll be here, holding you and guiding you through it, sweetheart. I'll keep you safe."

With those last few words echoing inside her mind, Amanda eventually drifted off, warm and safe in the arms of the one person who meant the world to her.

The End.