This fic is very dark, very twisted, and definitely deserves the 'R' rating for profanity and (lime) sexual content. To quote a friend, if you're in a good mood, you probably shouldn't read it. It involves a non-canon couple that may annoy many people. Frankly, I don't care if you don't like the couple, and any flaming about this couple will be completely ignored.
Some people are going to hit one part of this story and never, ever, forgive me for it. This is especially because I'm one of the 'less twisted' authors; I don't mix and match couples like ice cream flavors in anything serious, I don't write hentai. This story, however, pushed at my mind until it had to be told. It had to be told. And if you don't understand that, you won't understand this fic.
I don't own Animorphs, any of its trademarks, or anything else in this story. Thanks to the beta-readers, including the people who yelled at me, the people who got sick and turned funny colors, and the people who glomped on me and approved. Special thanks goes out to Sky Sorceress, who kicked my arse into gear and begged me to write a fic about this couple.
Obsession
by Rb
I never meant for this to happen. I never wanted to betray you, either of you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Damnit, I'm sorry. I hate myself for feeling like this, for doing what I've done, for hurting two of my best friends. There's nothing more I can do except bounce my thoughts off the walls of my head, trapped in the hell of my own mind.
---
I don't know how it started, except...in the late parts of the war, where nothing was the same. Our lives had been ripped apart, our families and ourselves without a real life, stuck in the Hork-Bajir valley. This feeling of...of loneliness kept coming back to me. Despite the fact that everyone was with me, and we were all focused on the war, I was still more alone than ever, experiencing feelings that were normally kept to discussions in health class.
The world as I knew it was being torn apart at the seams, and I was going through puberty. God, some things are just not fair.
It wasn't just puberty, though. It was more than that, really! Believe me! It couldn't have been ascribed to sheer lust, it was so much more than that. It was a crazy mizture of a loneliness that consumed every particle of my soul and a pathetic yearning for someone whom I could never touch. It took in so much of my heart and mind, it drove me crazy. I somehow managed to keep contained, though.
Somehow.
I'm many things: I'm my parents' son, I'm an Animorph, I'm a funny ha-ha guy, I'm a ruthless bastard. I'd be happier if I wasn't so much like me.
The war dragged on. We Animorphs were trying to destroy the Yeerks, barely seeming to succeed. In the end, however, we beat them, at incredible costs.
A few million people had died; whether they had been innocent bystanders or Controllers, it really didn't matter. Out of the entire world's population, it was the largest price ever paid for freedom. For those who had died, the price was something infinite, divided by zero.
For the town I lived in, the price was quite simple: one out of every five people was dead.
One out of every five. A gaping wound. Every person in town was affected in some way, losing friends and family.
For us human Animorphs, we'd lost Rachel.
Her demise was brave, but does it matter that she died an honorable death? When all was said and done, she was dead. No mention of honor or bravery could take that away from us.
She was like my sister. Yeah, we'd fought and flirted, but she was a friend, a sibling, and a confidant. Someone who knew my true feelings about the object of my desire. She'd never encouraged me, but she knew that those feelings were there, and it helped just to talk them out. Sometimes. Rarely.
All of us Animorphs were devastated at her passing, especially Tobias. If Rachel had been my sister, she was Tobias's lover. The two of them had a pure, true bond unmatched by anyone else, except for my best friend and his girlfriend.
All of that is not my story, though. That's the story you can get anywhere, in history books, in novels about the war. You know about it already. This is my story, the story of how my passion ruined me and two of my closest friends:
Jake. And...
His girlfriend.
---
I love her. I wish with all my heart I could say "I loved her," implying something buried in the dust-covered pages of time. But no, even after what's happened, I still love her, a pang in my heart.
She was so different from me, an angel compared to me, the monster. She believed in what she did. She was able to love and care for everyone. Underneath it all, she was like me, worried and uneasy about what she was doing, but...
She was still able to feel. I wanted to know how she did that. I wanted to know how underneath it all, she was still so sweet and kind. I wanted her soul instead of my own, a blazing white purity instead of my own dark scars.
It was deeper than just pure lust, really, you have to believe that. It was more, so much more. It was need, and want, and maybe even pure love mixed in. I don't know, it was...
I felt like my soul had been torn in two and I needed her to complete me. I felt like she was the reason for me being here. I felt so much, and it scared me, because I'm not a feeler, I'm a thinker, I've always believed in logic, not...not...
She was there. I loved her. That was I had to know. That was what I knew and felt.
That was what led me to my downfall.
---
I knew I shouldn't be near her. I knew that being near her only strengthened my passion, because I drank in her looks and her scent and her...and herself, like a butterfly finding nectar. I was intoxicated whenever I was near her, couldn't form a damned coherent thought that didn't involve her in my brain -- so my mouth took over. Glib witticisms would fly when around her, me slipping in flirtacious remarks along with the sly jokes, and she laughed at everything I said. Jake would be there, Jake, my best buddy, her knight in shining armor, so my jokes were always simple jokes. Poor, poor, Jake, who didn't have a hint of the world I inhabited in my mind, where I was the one escorting her everywhere, smiling shy smiles and lighting up her world.
It seemed like everywhere I went, she was there. Maybe it was just my besottled mind, maybe it was fact, maybe it was Fate; I've always said fate has to have a twisted sense of humor. No matter what...I saw her so often, and I drank her in.
I saw her even when she wasn't there, in a cute girl running past me on the sidewalk, as the gorgeous heroines of any TV show I watched, in the breathtaking beauty of where the sea and sky embraces. I dreamt about her, warm and comforting and really loving me. Maybe it was love, maybe it was a mere crush that went on for far too long and way too seriously. Maybe it was my over-powering obsession.
It was wrong. It was wrong. I knew it was wrong, that's the horrible part about it, the thing I cannot ever forgive myself for. I was in love with the wrong damned person. She was my best friend's girlfriend, untouchable. I shouldn't have even thought of expressing myself, ever.
I couldn't...
---
I can almost see your smirks and hear your haughty "he should have been able to control his feelings" remarks about me. How pathetic it is to let your heart rule over your mind, especially in a time and place where it was so utterly wrong to do so.
Well, let me tell you something. You have no right, no right at all, to judge me for what I've done. For such a long time, I could never express my feelings. I always had to be ruthless, sacrificing my heart and soul for what had to be done. I saved the planet by doing so.
She was the better part of me, the person who could always express her feelings about what was right and what was wrong. She always had morals and ethics in the right place. She never sacrificed her heart without crying. She always had her priorities in their true order, not in the right order. She saved her soul by doing so.
She's the one that taught me how to feel...how to love. I really believe that she's my partner, my soulmate. She's still the right person for me, the person whom I will always care for and cherish, no matter what.
She's also the partner and soulmate for my best friend. Is that possible? I guess it is.
I never wanted this to happen, I never meant for me to feel this way. You can't control emotions, though. It's one of the greatest and most painful lessons I learned...
...too late.
---
I hate remembering what I did next. I think of it as my greatest sin, not just equal to but overpowering anything I did during the war to save Earth. This sin was done consciously. It was done with my full compliance. It was cruel, and I realized that, but I didn't think, I loved.
And I'll never forget the pain and fear in her normally warm brown eyes...
---
Late one night, waking from a dream that only left me craving more, I crept out of bed and walked out of my house to the corner. I caught a bus to the street where she had moved since the war had ended. I fished in my pocket for the key, yes, she had given me the key to her house, all of us Animorphs trusted one another, don't you know, we were all best of friends since we'd had our friendships cemented in the war, we were all one big loving family...we all knew how to get into each other's rooms, those of us that still lived in houses. We all knew how, I didn't mean to abuse that knowledge, I just...did.
Did you have an inkling of my feelings for you, my friend? Did you think of what could have happened, my dear? You shouldn't tempt a boy so much...but you're so trusting, you don't really believe in the beast that's inside every person, even Jake. I should know.
I unlocked her door and opened it without a creak. After getting around the cumbersome, expensive security system way too easily, I crept up the stairs. Her room, her room, the room of my beloved, was at the end of the hall, a few doors away from her parents' rooms. Her house was big, and so was her room, the door of which opened at my lightest touch. With walls of light yellow and a carpet of a brighter shade of the same color, it was a cheerful, bright room. Dark brown, polished, graceful furniture was spread out across the room: a few bookshelves, a desk, a dresser, a nightstand table, the bed...
The bed was huge, too big for her petite body. It was a queen-sized four poster, dark brown wood with white sheets and several white fluffy pillows and a hand-sewn quilt. She was in it, slumbering peacefully, arms wrapped around a pillow, dreaming sweet dreams, I imagined. Was I in them? Probably not, I thought cynically as I removed my shirt and pants.
She looked like a fairy princess. Was I her prince, at long last? Only one way to find out.
I climbed onto the bed, kneeled over her prostrate body, and gently brushed my lips to hers.
She woke up at the touch, her warm brown eyes darting wildly for a second before focusing on me. In them, I wanted to see...happiness. I wanted to see joy that me, me, me, I had come to greet her in the darkness of the night.
Instead, I saw panic. Worry. And fear.
She tried to pull away. "Marco, what -- "
I pursued her soft mouth, continuing to kiss her. She kept moving, trying not to let me near her, but I was far stronger and more wide awake. I...
I...
I wanted her to complete me, mind, soul, and body, just as I'd been imagining her doing so for so long. I wanted her to be me, intertwine with me, become me in some way. I wanted to take a piece of her into myself, and leave some of myself with her. I...I wanted her to be me, and me to be her, and for us to never be seperated.
In other words, I raped her.
---
After I was finished, I left. I'd pulled back on most of my clothing. I left the clothing I couldn't morph in there. I opened her window, morphed great horned owl, and flew out towards the forest. I flew around aimlessly for a while, no reason except I wanted to fly.
I was completely out of it. I didn't know what I was thinking, except that...that...
I'd wanted to be complete with her. I'd thought I could be complete with her. I'd been complete with her, hadn't I?
And all I had now was this haunting feeling of emptiness and wrongness. Before my eyes kept flashing hers, the eyes of the hunted, the prey.
I felt bad. I dove. I was in Tobias's territory now; the boy still lived as a hawk, morphing human two hours at a time, occasionally, when he absolutely had a reason to do so. He rarely did.
I was amazed, privately, that he was still alive. Ever since Rachel had died and Ax had left in semi-disgrace for his homeworld, it had seemed to me that he had nothing left to live for. I guess I was wrong.
Hey, Tobias. My voice was a monotone, betraying nothing, as I landed on the branch besides him.
Wha? Ra-no, he said, his voice momentarily excited but then going dead. I guess I woke him out of his dream, too. What's wrong, Marco?
I hesitated for a second, then told him everything. Abut my passion for her, how it just wouldn't go away, how I'd felt, what I'd finally done. Tobias listened as I babbled.
At the end, he was silent, apparently considering his words. After a few minutes, he spoke. If I didn't know better, I'd think you were drunk. But you're not. He 'sounded' puzzled.
Hell, no. I demorphed.
I expected Tobias to yell at me for how stupid I was, how idiotic, how thoughtless. But I was wrong, once again. I'd underestimated him. Tobias knew as much as I did about hopeless romances.
So now what are you going to do? he asked me.
"Dunno. I screwed up big time, didn't I?" I paused for a moment, reflectively. "No pun intended."
Tobias didn't laugh. He just stared at me with his fierce, predatorial gaze. You owe her an apology.
"What, 'sorry, I've been in love with you for what feels like forever so I finally decided to...'" I couldn't even get out the words about the horror I'd done to her. I felt shame, disgust, and remorse in one horrible mixture and threw up.
Tobias preened, waiting for me to regain control over my body. Exactly.
I shook my head. "No way, man."
You owe it to her. You owe her a hell of a lot more, but you owe that to her honor, at least. She's...her. She'll understand.
I gazed up at the hawk sitting on a tree branch. "You really think so?"
I hope.
I morphed again, to osprey. The sun was coming up. A brand new day, I thought. Maybe I'll be able to get my life straightened out...
Maybe.
Saying goodbye to Tobias, I flew out of the meadow and to my house. The window was open, I noticed with surprise. I flew in.
And saw Jake sitting on my (unmade) bed, eyes slitted with anger.
"You bastard. You utter, utter, bastard," he growled.
I silently demorphed, knowing I deserved every curse he could lay upon me.
"How dare you touch her like that? How DARE you? Do you know what you've done? How could you do this to her, to me...Marco, I thought we were friends!" His voice alternated between anger and anguish.
I was mostly human by this time. "Jake, I'm sorry...but I love her, too."
He stared at me, uncomprehending.
"I've loved her for a while, but I..." I floundered for words. How could I possibly explain this to him? I'd been trying to fill myself up, only to find that I am so very, very, empty...
"You don't know what love is." His voice stopped me cold in the middle of my weak excuses.
"What?" I whispered.
"You have no idea what love is, Marco," he said in tones of steel. "You don't realize that love is giving all you've got and scraping the bottom of your soul to give more. You can't understand that love is trusting, knowing, giving, holding, so much more than simple sex. You don't trust, Marco, and you don't give. You keep your thoughts in your head, you don't trust anyone, not even yourself. You don't love, Marco. You obsess. She was your obsession. And you almost ruined her."
"Jake..."
Before my eyes, he morphed into a peregrine falcon. I watched him.
Never talk to her again. Never talk to me again. As far as we're concerned, you're dead, Marco. Goodbye. He flew away, out of my window, out of my life
"You're wrong, Jake," I whispered. Then I roared it. "YOU'RE WRONG!"
I stared out my window for quite some time. Then I went into the bathroom and turned on the water, as hot as I could stand it. I immersed myself in it and scrubbed as hard as I could, trying to get myself clean and pure again. I tried. I tried. God, I tried.
It never would work.
---
I never wanted this to happen. You two were my best friends; I didn't want to hurt you, either of you. I didn't mean to do what I did...maybe I'm lying. Maybe I did. Motivation is such a fickle thing, gone before you realize it.
I ache. I want you both to understand me. I've been writing this down so that you'll have some idea of who I am. I'm sending it with Tobias. I don't expect you to want to see me again after reading this; maybe you'll just hate me more. I don't expect, or want, a reply, either.
I...
I didn't mean to make such a mess out of your lives. I didn't know that when I chose the action of loving her, I chose such horrible consequences. If I had a time machine, I'd go back to shoot myself before this mess ever started.
I didn't know how hard this would be to write down or how heartbreaking of a story it would be to tell untill I started telling it. It shows me to be such a fool, such an idiot, especially in the ways of love.
But...
I can't change who I was or what I've done in the past. No matter how much I regret it, I can't change what's part of me, as much as the many animals I've acquired. Maybe this isn't the wisest thing to say, but I can't change how I feel. I can't clear my heart easily.
I love you, Cassie.
12/10/00