Chapter 1: Morning Glory
Michiro: flailing arms about like headless poultry Authoress Michiro-Chan is here with another ficcy for my fans! No angst, though. I return with comedy now! threw out this story awhile ago from their website due to this story's "script" form and "interactive" shit, so I'm reposting it again in written format this time because of my beloved reviewers commenting on it being comical as hell! I can't thank you enough! YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!!!
Yuugi: First-time readers of this story--please read it! She got a lot of good reviews when she'd posted it.
Seto: scowl Don't listen to Mutou's positive input. THIS RIDICULOUSLY LONG ANECDOTE IS CRAP!!! IT'S PLAYED OUT ITS LENGTH FOR LONG ENOUGH!!! maneuvered over by lackadaisical driver of the contemporary, durable Ford Focus! Beeep…censored for subliminal content…
Michiro: I AM NOT A SETO-BASHER!!!! I WUUUUUV HIM!!! He's the best bishounen of all Japanese Animation and manga as I know it! glomps an already-unconscious Seto
Honda: Obviously, she doesn't know a lot of Japanese Anime. VV00
Michiro: URUSEI!!! Nor was I a Honda basher, although he does pass out a lot in this story--or a Jounouchi-basher--or anyone, but…HER. releasing hell's torrential flames with a gnash of teeth Mazaki Anzu. And Weevil…but, I've still to meet a person that actually shows the least respect for that carnie. shudder Small hands. Smell like cabbage.
Seto: sweatdrop Her attention span barely goes past a rodent's.
Otogi: Yet, you have been warned. Discretion for younger readers if you don't like profanity or sexual reference. This was rated "R" for swearing and--well…uncertainty in particular individuals' cough sexuality.
Jounouchi & Seto: YOU SHUT UP!!!
Otogi: grins at hearing the female portion of the audience shriek And, no--as sad as it is to say, this is not a yaoi with me starring. Even if that would be quite the delight, now wouldn't it? And it would be especially difficult to find the one person worthy of my expertise. face vault from everyone
All: MICHIRO DOES NOT TAKE CREDIT FOR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS, NAMES, FIGURES, OR ANY ADDITIONAL MENTION TOWARD YU-GI-OH! USED IN THIS FAN FICTION!!! SHE ALSO DOES NOT INTEND ANY DISRESPECT TO ANY FANGIRLS OR MALES BY MAKING--uh--um…REALLY BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO CERTAIN PEOPLE!!!
Michiro (temporary narrator). Kaiba Seto had returned from Kaiba Corporation, in a bad mood, you could say, seeing the way he had closely maneuvered into several innocent pedestrians, poking his head from the windows of his limousine, cursing and shrieking out a mouthful of blasphemy. He had not been happy… (slight disturbance from the audience) OKAY!!! HE'S NEVER HAPPY!!! WE GET THAT!!! (regains her composure) But--today, he was extra un-happy. He was sick of being the teenage CEO, sick of the prosperous life, paparazzi and evil journalists always in hot pursuit of him, and the publicity in general. Lawyers also irritated him, but that's another story. (shakes head quickly) But…when he returned home, and bid his younger brother "goodnight" that evening, and left to his bed-- (waggles brows and a shoe is thrown from behind the curtain.)
Yuugi. STICK TO THE FUCKIN' SCRIPT, MI-CHAN!!!
Seto. (standing in front of a set bed, rolling his eyes and muttering indignantly) Why me…why me…
Michiro. FINE, I FUCKING GET IT, YA GOD DAMN KEEBLER E--DAMMIT!!! (another child's shoe is thrown) QUIT THROWING YOUR FRIGGIN' TODDLER SHOES!!! COME FACE ME LIKE A REAL MAN! (angry shuffle from behind the curtains is heard) Okay, then! Nevermind! (smiles nervously) Well, onto the story again--Seto looked out his window before he slept, and made a wish. Just one request.
Seto. (sitting in bed, wearing an extremely disturbed expression as "When You Wish Upon A Star" plays on a low-quality CD player) Lord…I have but one request…TURN THE GOD DAMN MUSIC OFF!!! (another shoe is thrown) DAMMIT!!! WHO THROWS A FUCKING SHOE, HONESTLY?! (hurls the shoe backstage, and a yelp is heard from Jounouchi.)
Jounouchi. (still behind stage) OKAY!!! WHO THREW THA' FUCKIN' SHOE!!! THEY' GETTIN' N ASS-BEATIN'!!!
Michiro. Like father, like son! Guess families can pick up traits from members! Although, my sister never counted because we found her in a trash can in the trailer park…
Her Sister. I FUCKING DIDN'T!!! (throws a red-assed baboon at her head.)
Michiro. DAMMIT!!! GET IT OFF ME!!! (baboon is removed) Okay, okay, okay! No more games! Story again, and turn the shitty music off! (music stops) Okay…well, he made one wish.
Seto. (gazing through his window solemnly) Whatever God I'm praying to…listen to me…I WISH I HAD A FUCKING LIFE!!! (blinks eyes pensively, and rethinks his request) Well, allow me to word it differently…Father who art in heaven, whatever…GIVE ME THE PRIVILEGES OF THE REGULAR LIFESTYLE OF A STUPID, SHALLOW, PATHETIC TEENAGER--my gender please? (pulls the blanket over his head, grumbling beneath his breath.)
Michelle. Well, he slept that night, with a slight reassurance tugging at him. For some reason, he actually felt comfortable for the coming of the next day…as if he knew his wish would come true. Someday… (sighs) well, anyway, at the same time…Jounouchi Katsuya, another lowly adolescent-about-town, had wandered down the street back to his home, and felt restless as well. Run-down apartment, threadbare carpet, and a drunk father to come home to. He wasn't happy with it.
Jounouchi. (steps inside his house, and sees his father swaggering around the kitchen with a pair of pants on his head, dancing to garbled lyrics of "North Carolina") (Jounouchi glances back seriously, and turns towards the audience again and shrugs) I'm not happy wit' it. (monotone)
Michiro. (sweatdrop) I understand why Katsuya was scarred for life.
Katsuya's Father. (walking next to Jounouchi with the pants still on his head) C'MON, JOUNOUCHI, SING IT WITH ME!!! (dances again, un-rhythmically) I SAID NORTH CAROLINA!!! C'MON, AND RAISE UP--!!! (fails to sing the rest of the lyrics clearly.)
Jounouchi. Dad, please! No dancin'.
Michiro. Well, anyway. He went to his crappy bedroom, and looked out the window. And he made a wish as well.
Jounouchi. (we continue to hear his father's poor, off-key singing after he closes the door behind him) Well, whatevah monotheistic deity, divinity, etc. (everyone sweatdrops at Jounouchi's dramatically improved vocabulary) please, I'm askin' for one thing. (looking through the shattered window) Gimme a reputation, gimme women, gimme alotta' money, an' a gorgeous bod! Not dat mine isn't good or anythin', but-- (smiles) Hope I'm not askin' fa too much sayin' dat! (sniggering and hopping onto his decrepit mattress.)
Michiro. Um--a little ambitious, aren't we Katsuya-chan? Well, both sex-ay (ANOTHER shoe is thrown.)
Yuugi. I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY, DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT TWICE!!!!
Michiro. (face vault) Did that make any sense? Well, anyway! Both teenagers slept well that night, not aware of the powerful (cough) change in their lives that would come with each simple wish. (sweatdrop) Well, Jounouchi's wasn't too simple, but--they would either way. So our story begins here… (curtain opens for us to see Jounouchi resting in bed.)
no narrator anymore
Birds were chirping and serenading with one another in the crisp, dewy, morning air while a certain Jounouchi Katsuya dozed away in his bed quietly. Proving that the adolescent wasn't such a deep sleeper, he came to the point of jerking open one amber eye, and growling at the sound of creatures twittering outside his broken window.
Of course, the teen knew that something had to be done about this immediately. So furiously hobbling out from bed, he yelled at them to, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, I'M TRYING TO SLEEP, DAMMIT!!!" and again, slipped back onto his creaking mattress.
Either way, it seemed to be a bit of a lost cause, because he couldn't seem to get in even a few more minutes of sleep--the damn birds had him already wide n' awake.
The bronzy-haired boy was still half-dead to the world, so his eyes drooped, ignorant to all. Finally, he gave up on anymore rest, and rose from bed again, yawning groggily, eyes still closed. He shuffled tirelessly in the usual direction he would tread, but was shocked to bash his toe against the closely built wall beside his bed. Simply ignoring the pain and too drowsy to react, he groped his way forward to what seemed the direction to the bathroom.
Jolting open the door, eyes still shut, Jounouchi hardly noticed the form of his father slumped inside the grubby bathtub, sleeping deeply. "Toothbrush…toothpaste…dammit, where are they?"
Continuing to fumble for his morning supplies, he finally came across them inside the tattered medicine cabinet, and slowly…slowly…very slowly squeezed toothpaste on his brush. He resumed the cycle of the dreary lifestyle to an un-morning person, and the rasp of bristles on teeth sounded and another which sulkily said, "I hate my life."
The youth brushed and brushed and brushed, until he finished the surgical two minutes of each row of teeth, like every good boy should, and even after it all, he still couldn't manage to open his eyes.
He lazily pulled off his shirt, preparing to take a shower like he did every morning, and encountered the blur of his father napping contentedly inside the tub, obviously suffering a pretty nasty hangover. Jounouchi noticed a slight change in his voice, but ignored that also--at least, for now.
Casually peeling away his father from the bathtub, he sighed, "Comatose adult in my bathroom, sleeping inside the shower--"
He then, sleepily pulled off his pants and undergarments, and still kept those lovely eyes shut--no migrating mother bear could be sleepier than Jounouchi Katsuya at that moment. "Set up the water…hot shower…cold shower…whichever one is good…" he said with the clear slur of a drunk.
The blond finally decided on a hot shower being all for the best, and slipped into the water, bare-naked, unaware of the pickle he'd just gotten himself into. Jounouchi skimmed aside the ragged curtains separating him from the steaming shower he desperately needed, and scuffled for shampoo and conditioner.
And he muttered from behind the shower drape, "Definitely a hair-day for me today. Feels like a load of shit sagging in my fucking eyes, and dammit…won't fucking lather…no feathery, downy texture?"
Alas, a slight wail escaped his throat as his eyes began to ease open. "Wait a second…why tha' hell is my hair blond? Oh, I'm just tired from that all-nighter--just tired! Checking down here, and I'll definitely--HOLY SHIT!!! THAT'S NOT HOW IT LOOKED YESTERDAY!!! FUCKING--SHIT!!! AHHHHHH!!!! DAMMIT!!!!"
Obviously, despite Mr. Happy being flaccid and unused, he had seemed to have experienced a bit of enlargement overnight.
The teenager finally emerged from his less-than-humble freshening up, wet as a mutt caught in a tycoon, and he stealthily approached the mirror, noting the fact that he also looked like a mutt in a tycoon for the time being.
At this, "Jounouchi" began to scream beyond all human conception, "DDDDAAAAAAMMMMMIIIIIITTTTTT!!!! DAAAAMMMMIIIIIT ALLLLL!!! I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING GOLDEN RETRIEVER!!! I'M THAT DWARF'S BEST FRIEND!!! I'M FUCKING NAKED, STANDING IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR AS FUCKING JOUNOUCHI KATSUYA!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!" He'd lost all grips on reality, and continued shrieking hysterically: "HAVE I LOST IT?!!! No, no, no…delusion! I'm still Kaiba Seto…wealthy, successful, sexy, single, STRAIGHT bachelor…ARGH! THAT'S NOT MINE!!! IT'S NOT MINE!!!"
As to what wasn't his was a mystery that he felt he needed to uncover ASAP.
He frantically lifted the towel slung on his waist from his other self for his own eyes--just for another innocent peek--and found his suspicions to be correct, deciding the most decent thing to do now would be just to release yet another ear-piercing screech. Jou gazed into the mirror, checked his face, rubbed his eyelids repeatedly, just to make sure that he was actually seeing "his" reflection correctly. Noticing no improvement in what he saw, he bellowed again, and dashed out from the bathroom, tightly holding the towel around his midriff, yelping like a puppy would after being treaded on top of.
Practically bursting his lungs in the process, he began slandering God's name for all it was worth, and naming off all profanities he could've ever thought of. "DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT, DAMMIT!!!! I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE SOME FUCKING TIME TO SAY DAAAAAAMMMMMIIIIITTTT!!!!"
Oh, but maybe he was just seeing things! Maybe he needed to just check again…
In strong favor of doing so, he rechecked "his" good ole Mr. Knish and jerked the little towel back down, blushing and clenching his teeth, hopping around like a constipated, Weiner dog. He muttered underneath his breath, "Well, congratulations, dog! Thought you were smaller than that!" Jou's already pink complexion was reddening like lobster thrown into a boiling pot and his body was wracked with pure fear. "THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!!!"
The only alternative left was to dash off in humiliation to a dilapidated bedroom, sobbing something about "kaput" puberty--whether it was jealousy or just out-and-out anger, the world may never know.
My, my, oh dear. What mess has our high-flying CEO gotten himself into today?
Meanwhile, another angel slept--well, more of drooling, actually--along the silken cushions of his well-appointed mattress, and groaned at the crowd of maids and butlers disturbing his slumber by noisily entering his spacious bedroom, gently shaking him awake. Seto moaned again, and collapsed onto his other side over in the roomy mattress, noticing a radical comfort in his bed that morning, still quite heavy-lidded.
One female softly shook his shoulder, murmuring, "Master Seto! You must wake for school! You only have a full three hours to prepare!"
Yet another random butler beckoned him a neatly pressed Domino school uniform. "Would you like to change yourself, or would you prefer for me to dress you instead, Mr. Kaiba, sir?"
"Mr. Kaiba! Your breakfast has been prepared! Would you like it quickly in bed, or the full breakfast downstairs?"
The chief executive was dazed at the band of banter shot towards him, so--shockingly much like a child--he buried his face decidedly into his big, fluffy pillows, and outright snubbed em. A sigh escaped his lips, and he closed his eyes again.
The most appalling suggestion escaped him as he asked-- "How bout I skip today…?"
A tremendous hush came over the group.
"Mr. Kaiba, surely you're joking."
"You'd never miss a day, Master Seto! Even if we told you to stay home. Are you feeling well?" She proceeded to lay a hand on his forehead in concern.
In its place, he angrily swatted away the doting hand and shifted clumsily from his back. "OKAY, OKAY!!! I'M FUCKIN' GOIN'!!!"
This caused a ripple in the jamboree of his attendants as they retreated and watched their sixteen-year-old superior hop out from bed rather absent-mindedly, carefully leave the bedroom as if expecting to crash into something, and sprint off in an unknown direction.
Slightly perturbed by the teen not noticing his mistake, the host decided to settle with the KaibaCorp president's lack of sleep, and one politely corrected it by stating, "Mr. Kaiba! Your private bathroom is the other direction, sir! And for your uniform…"
He stalked back through the doorway, wearing a disgruntled expression. "NO! YA NOT GONNA DRESS ME, YA CHILD-MOLESTER!!! GIVE ME MY FUCKIN' UNIFORM!!!" He snatched the outfit back from his servant's grasp and trotted off toward his nameless destination.
Curiously glancing toward his vanishing form, all chorused, "Strange. He usually doesn't mind."
(A/N: God, I wished I worked at the Kaiba mansion… )
So, the auburn-haired go-getter entered his private restroom, and stretched in place with a vast yawn. But, when he was finally faced with his newly dawned reflection, he faltered in the usual morning routine--and not out of the delight of his own appearance. More opposite, actually.
He cocked one brow in uncertainty. "Uh…Mista' Kaiba? Mista' Kaiba…? Why does dat sound so--WAIT A SECOND!!! DAT AIN'T MY NAME!!!"
Have you caught on yet, Kaiba Seto?
Obviously this seemed to be so, because he leapt on the spot with a nice cornucopia of shock and shrieks toward the mirror. "I SAID GORGEOUS BOD, NOT--not--" He came to a lull, pondering what words would be fitting to describe his archrival's body. Being as practiced with the English as he was, confidence consumed his features yet again and he cried, "--TELETUBBY BOD!!!! YAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! I'M A FREAK A NATURE!!!!"
However, a check-up was in session. He hesitated in his moment of vulgarism, and glanced around warily. Curiosity overtook him and he drew out both Kaiba's nighties and briefs to catch a glimpse off his adversary's bundle of pride and joy. Clearly not pleased with what he saw, he yanked his head back up and bawled outta' control! "WIT' UNBELIEVABLY TINY SEXUAL ORGANS!!! WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! YAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!"
A frantic knock was vibrating along the pane of the door, but naturally, Seto-sama had more important things to attend to at the moment. "Mr. Kaiba! Are you alright?!"
No, no, no. I very much doubt that either of the two were in any remote way, alright.'
A shriek echoing loud and clear throughout both sides of the quiet little town of Domino from two terrified-beyond-all-rational-thought teenagers definitely confirmed this.
"I CAN'T GO TO FUCKING SCHOOL LIKE THIS!! I'M CONDEMNED TO THA' PITS OF HADES FOR ETERNITY!!!"
Michiro: D'you like?
All: NO.
Michiro: sweatdrop Well, review with your complaints or compliments! Hey, that's cool--it's, like, drop the "a" and add "e" and another "m" and you get "compliments"!!! Isn't that just so amazingly cool?!
Seto: More like amazingly lame you'd actually come up with something so idiotic to say.
Michiro: Well, you--you…you have a teeny Knish!
Seto: I DO NOT!!! JOUNOUCHI WAS ONLY SAYING THAT TO DISGRACE ME!!!
Michiro: cuddling up to Seto with starry eyes Well, even if you do--I still WUUUUUV you! In fact, I think it's kinda' cute. Like, the…--the puberty leprechaun forgot to come to your--your address or somethin', and sprinkle you with maturity dust! Seto clouts Michelle into oblivion Oooo…pretty stars!
Seto: sullen Review.