Kara Zor-el loses her entire world less than two weeks after her thirteenth birthday.
And she doesn't understand it then.
No one ever explains it to her.
Why her parents were crying.
Why buildings were burning.
Why everyone was running.
Her father lifts her into one of Krypton's single-passenger-pods.
Her mother orders her to protect Kal-el.
And she knows it's bad.
Because her father has never looked so worried.
And her mother has never cried so much.
Be strong, they say. Be brave.
So, Kara nods, and she agrees, and she cries too.
Because that is what they did when these things happen.
It's only after she's breached Krypton's atmosphere that she realizes.
When she watches the fiery collapse of everything she'd ever known implode in the reflection of her pod's plexi-plated glass.
When she feels the scorching heat of her roaring, burning planet.
Feels the rumbling blast that rocks her small pod.
And smells the sulfur, the fear, and the death.
Singed deep into the fibers of her clothes.
Destined to travel with her across the galaxy.
Travel with the screams of the dying people and the cries of a burning planet that won't stop ringing in her ears.
It is only then that she realizes that she's just hugged her parents for the last time.
That she won't see them or her room, or her friends, or her family, her school, her culture, her anything.
Her everything.
Because it's all burned away. Scorched away. Charred to the dust.
…. …. …
"Hey! It's okay! I've got you."
Alex is saying.
And Kara is rocking. Swaying back and forth.
Blinded by flashing coloring spots.
Pummeled by wave after wave of unforgiving nausea.
The frigid water, is slimy and thick as it slaps harshly against her skin.
The heat… from the cars, from the buildings, from the fires is scorching to her skin.
And her ears are ringing. Everything is loud. Too loud and too much.
And Alex is trying. Rao, she really is.
But her touch is painful.
It hurts. It hurts so bad.
Yet, she can't lean away.
Because a small part of her deserves this.
Deserves to be prisoner of her own pain.
You were supposed to protect him.
Kal-el is still.
Motionless and battered and out of commission.
Floating with the movements of the water.
Cape rippling like a river of blood underneath him.
And she had done that to him.
Had beaten him into unconsciousness.
Had beaten him into submission
Rao…
What if he doesn't wake up?
What if…
Her concentration falters.
The black spots succeeding in their crusade against her vision.
And Alex is still talking. Underwater and far, far away.
Rao… Rao… Rao.
Is he breathing?
She can't focus.
Everything is too loud, too jarring, too much.
She can't hear him. Not over the screams.
Focus. Focusfocusfocus-
Nothing.
She tries to reach out for him.
And the colors swirl.
And her world tips to the side
The dark spots win their battle.
… … …
A fight to the death.
It's the only way.
It was the only way.
And Kara should have known that Rhea wouldn't honor their terms.
The corrupt never do.
And now she has a decision to make.
And why, Rao, why would they leave it all up to her?
Why would they all- Kal-el, J'onn, Alex, Winn, Mon-el- why would they all put their faith in her?
The Daxamite's ships are locking onto schools and hospitals and retirement homes.
Awaiting orders.
But the trigger is still heavy in her hand.
And she doesn't have time to be debating this.
This needs to be done.
Kara looks into his eyes.
This needs to be done, she tells herself.
She presses the button.
And it doesn't make her feel any better.
It doesn't make her feel heroic.
It doesn't make her feel strong.
It makes her feel sick.
Horrified.
And Kara wishes Lena could have come up with something faster. Something quicker.
So she won't have to listen to them die. One by one.
Because how many of those Daxamites were soldiers who were merely following orders.
Because how many of them had families.
Because how many of them were like Mon-el.
Even an army has its innocents.
"Alex… Alex tell me what to do!"
She begs.
And Mon-el coughs.
A haggard, bloody wheeze as he falls to his knees.
As the Daxamite ships begin to fall around them.
"There's nothing we can do."
That's an answer she never wants to hear.
….
She listens to Mon-el's heartbeat.
Presses her hand to his chest as they hug and feels the thum, thum, thum.
Rapid and fluttering and weak, but familiar.
And Kara has woken up to that heartbeat almost every day for the last few months.
She has woken to his face. His smile. His affable personality. To him.
And his heartbeat.
And she stands here now in this empty field.
Stands here as he tries to say everything he never got to say.
Stands here as the city burns behind them.
And tries to commit his heartbeat to memory.
Tries not to forget it.
So, it won't fade like her mother's. Her father's. Astra's. And so many others.
She's dooming him to a fate worse than death.
No planet will take a Daxamite. Much less the prince.
Not after all the war-mongering the planet of Daxam has done.
A changed man is nothing when that type of fear is so deeply ingrained.
She is forced to send him to the Phantom Zone.
And this is her decision, she thinks. This is her fault.
And he will have to pay for it.
Not with his life but instead with an eternity of isolation.
A fate she's never wished on anyone.
But he boards the pod.
Says he understands.
Says it's okay.
Even when she sees the doubt, the fear, and the pain in his eyes.
And she listens to his heartbeat fade.
Thum. Thum. Thum.
Until it's no more.
Then the noises flood back.
People screaming.
Fire crackling.
Metal groaning.
Every Daxamite soldier gasping and writhing.
And the sirens, the explosions, thegunshots,helicopterbladeswhirling,feetpoudningtheground,somuchsomuchscreaming-
The terror.
Her hands shake. Her eyes burn. Her heart aches.
Be brave.
But he's gone.
Be strong.
There are other people that need saving.
She wanted to be a hero.
She wanted this.
Do your job.
… … ….
She flies back to the city.
And she doesn't know where to start.
Everything is on fire. Everything is imploding.
It's like Krypton, she thinks.
Krypton burned like this.
Salt impedes her vision as she frantically lifts people out of rubble.
Men. Women. Children.
Bloodied. Battered. Burnt.
Hands them to emergency medical personnel.
Just as bloodied. Battered. Burnt.
There's not going to be enough room in the hospitals.
The message echoes over the ambulance radios.
That this is a mass casualty incident.
That they're going to have to transport patients to satellite cities.
To Metropolis. To Star City. To Davidson. And even that might not be enough.
But these are things that happen when villains attack skyscrapers.
These are the things that happen when no one has a chance to evacuate.
Her hands burn against molten metal slabs.
The rocks burrow at her skin.
The sickening sweet smell of gas leaves her light headed.
And just because it won't leave marks, doesn't mean it isn't painful.
But she's faced this hurt before. She can endure it.
She must endure it.
She has too.
National City needs its hero.
Not a twenty-five-year-old alien who can barely hold it together.
They need her brave.
They need her strong.
They need Supergirl.
….
"You okay?"
Kal-el asks her.
And she can feel him looking at her.
Hesitant and unsure.
But she can't look at him
Instead, she looks at her knuckles.
They still feel raw. They still feel sore. They still hurt.
And she's glad he can't remember that.
That even after everything else that has happened today, at least he won't remember what she did to him.
Because even though he's older than her on this earth.
She used to change his diapers.
She used to sing him lullabies.
She used to rock him to sleep.
She was supposed to be his protector then and she still will be now.
Is she okay?
"Of course."
Of course not.
She can still smell the fear the pain the death on her uniform. Seared into the fibers.
She can still hear the screams. Of National City and of Krypton. Ringing in her ears.
But she will shoulder this burden alone.
Everything that happened today is on her.
Everything.
He says he couldn't have done it.
That he wouldn't have done it, if it came down to it.
He says she's strong. Says she's brave.
Kara wonders when those words began to lose their meaning.
Then he says he must go.
And she tells him to say hi to Lois for her, eyes burning as she watches him take off.
Then she is alone on the balcony once more, listening to the DEO celebrate.
When they really haven't won.
.. … …. …
"I am so proud of you."
Alex is saying.
But what is there to be proud of?
Her eyes water. Her jaw clenches. Her fingers dig into the concrete bannister.
She had fought hard to save Mon-el from going back to into his space with his mother that first time.
She had been confident. She had been strong. She had been brave.
And it had all been futile.
Because now not only is he still gone.
Now the city is burning.
Now there are hundreds of millions of dollars in damage.
Now countless people are injured and missing and dead.
And the only way she could stop more damage from happening was by killing the Daxamites.
And that makes her no better than the Queen of Daxam.
Rhea was never going to kill them all.
She had made it clear.
But she would have killed enough.
And even one death is one too many.
So, Kara acted first.
And she has never killed before.
She has always aimed to incapacitate.
Now she has the genocide of an entire species on her hands.
So, what the hell was there to be proud of?
Alex must realize her words are ringing hollow.
Because she's saying she can come over.
That she can be there for as long as Kara needs.
"No…. no. Go be with your girlfriend."
She needs Alex to be happy.
She needs to know that Alex is safe with Maggie.
Just like Winn and Lyra. J'onn and M'gann. Lois and Kal-el.
The message isn't lost on her.
The lesson of this fight is cruel.
That she can't have everything.
She can't have a job, be a hero, have a boyfriend, be happy…
She can't.
But maybe they can.
… … …
Kara doesn't know really know where she's flying
If she goes to her apartment, she'll be faced with the remnants of everything that was.
Of the frying pan, Mon-el left on the stove.
Of her half-written report on the dining room table.
Of the life, she wished she could have, but forfeited the moment she put on that cape.
In the end, she ends up flying there anyways.
If only because she has nowhere else to go.
It's gone.
Along with her entire building.
Nothing but rubble.
Kara hovers there for a moment.
Another home destroyed and taken from her.
Be strong, she tells herself.
But it's gone.
Be brave, she whispers.
Those words won't bring anything back.
… … …
Earth's history will remember her well.
Will say she's the savior.
Will celebrate this as a victory.
Will say that she was brave. That she was strong.
The Gods of her planet won't.
The ghosts of her parents won't.
She won't.
There's too much crimson on her hands for this to be anything but a massacre.
Kara swallows hard.
Looks at the stars in the night sky.
Tries to see where Krypton would have been.
Where it's not.
She reaches up to sweep her thumb over her mother's necklace.
And there's nothing.
Oh…
She'd given it to him.
She'd given her last remaining tie to Krypton to him.
So, he wouldn't be alone.
Oh.
Oh…
Her eyes burn. Her hands shake. Her lip trembles.
Kara's legs give out beneath her as she drops to her knees.
And she wraps her quivering arms around herself.
She can't do it anymore. She can't. She can't be brave. She can't be strong...
Her nails dig into her skin...
And she cries.
… …. …
Kara Zor-el loses her entire world less than two weeks after her thirteenth birthday.
And she doesn't understand it then.
Why buildings were burning.
Why everyone was running.
Why her parents were crying.
She almost loses it all again thirty-two years later as Kara Danvers now, instead of Kara Zor-el.
Almost.
She saves it this time.
This world is safe.
Safe.
But she wonders why it feels exactly the same.