I am through the airport dragging my suitcase behind me. I won the Carter Maddison Grant the freaking Carter Maddison Grant. I should be over the moon with happiness, at how awesome this opportunity is for me, and for my career. But no I can't because I've had to listen to Callie whine, and make little side comments about how boring and unfair Africa will be for her, and it will be I guess. But she could find stuff to do there, couldn't She? A relationship is full of compromises right? Callie should be able to do this for me. That's the thing though Callie doesn't want to do this, she doesn't want to come with me. She is forcing herself to move to Africa for me she loves me enough to move to a different continent in order to be with me. She shouldn't have to force herself though. It's not fair to either of us.
I love her enough to let her go it's the right thing to do for both of us. Callie is chattering on about something unique probably about Africa again. I turn around in the middle of the airport with people rushing past us to catch their flights, and with the bits of random conversations being heard. In the middle of tiny humans having meltdowns around us. In the middle of all this noise I take a deep breath, ready to spew the words that will alter my life in a way I don't want but I know I need.
"Callie I'm going to go to Africa, and you're going to stay here and be happy." I push the worlds out of my throat using the force of logic, before emotions can trap the words deep inside of me. Like a locked vault. "No what this is crazy you are going to be gone for three years." Callie spat back anger laced in the pronunciation of every letter in every word she spoke. I can't look at her at the tears in her eyes. I blink away my own tears. A thought pops into my mind and I know it is maybe the most selfish thing I can do to her in this moment, but I can't stop myself. I close the distance between us connecting our lips for one last time. A kiss containing everything we still feel for each other. All the love and admiration we still feel for each other. All the laughs and smiles we have shared together. Even all the fights we have had. All the heartbreak we are prolonging with this one kiss. All these memories and feelings jammed into this one kiss, like packing for a vacation and trying not to forget anything you could possibly need.
I break away from her knowing that if I don't leave now, I won't. "I know it may not seem like it now but this will be for the best Calliope. We are screaming at each other in the middle of an airport. We are not working. We haven't actually been working for awhile now." I explain walking away grabbing my suitcase, and start off towards the gate with my flight.
I have been on autopilot ever since Arizona walked away from me, leaving me standing alone in the middle of the airport. I don't remember taking my luggage, or getting in a cab or even the ride home. But here I am standing in our empty apartment all alone. I sink down to the ground my pressed firmly against the pale blue door. My anger reaches a boiling point and it starts seeping out in the form of tears. I let the tears roll down my face, at an alarmingly fast rate. Every emotion I have kept locked away for weeks now; comes rushing out in sobs. Sobs as big, as ocean waves in the middle of a hurricane, powerful enough to knock you down, and steal all of the air in your body.
I don't know how much time elapses while I'm on the floor, but I finally force myself into a standing position. Once all the moisture has left my body. I look around the bare walls of the apartment. The empty apartment is an external version of how my heart feels right now. I am about to grab my suitcases to start unpacking my stuff when I remember that not only is this no longer our apartment but because of the sublets it's not my apartment anymore either. I let a hot sigh full of frustration, and anger. My thoughts are flowing in my mind in every single direction, but my mind lands on one name and face Mark Sloan. I know he will take care of me.
I have been in Africa for less than a week and I'm miserable. The work I am doing is absolutely amazing. I am giving these tiny humans medical care, most of them for the first time. What I am doing is actually giving tiny humans a chance at a life, they may not have had before. I can actually see that the work I am doing is making a difference in their lives. I can actually see the translation, happening before my eyes, from one day to the next.
So my job here is going good, great actually, yet I am still miserable. I should be thrilled that I am succeeding at this job. I am at an awesome point in my life; a once in a lifetime life changing opportunity is right in front of me. I am in the middle of it actually. The work I am doing can help so many tiny humans, and help my career all at once. With all the good going on around me the cheery gapped toothed smiles of the tiny humans, which normally is all it takes to make even the worst days okay enough to handle. Except now it's not enough because I am miserable, because I miss her so insanely much. She is everywhere, and in everything I do.
Right now I am in a dusty old hotel room. They still haven't gotten the place where I am going to stay permanently, during the three year duration for which I am here. So for now I am in a hotel room, built well over 30 years ago. With it's pale brown walls, almost as if all color had been drained from them. A matching brown dresser in a corner of the room brings back the debate of whether or not I should unpack my clothes who knows how long I will be in this room. I think about unpacking my clothes taking out pairs of scrubs with casual clothes for the rare moments, whenever I'll be able to catch spare time for myself. I think about grabbing all of those from bags, and placing them in the drawers of the dresser.
If I did this it would make mornings easier I wouldn't have to rummage through multiple bags to find what I need. It would definitely save me time, but if I unpacked I would be forced to stare at the red and blue plaid scarf; the one she had given to me as a Christmas gift. I don't know why I brought a heavy scarf with me to Africa, a hot dry place where I would never need it. Even though I knew Callie was going to be here with me a few days ago when I had thrown it in there on a last minute whim. Because it was a gift from her, a way to have her near me when she may not be. Now she isn't here with me at all, and it's not logical, but I now hate the scarf because I can't hate her and not for the first time I cry.
I took a day off because I needed it. I spent today, the day I took off with none other then Christina Yang. I spent the day with Christina because we both needed the distraction because picking out furniture for, her and Owen's new place I didn't have to think about her. My mind didn't wander to her once today. I wasn't driven crazy with thoughts of her, wondering if she thinks about me as much as I think about her. I decided to add the blue streaks to my hair in an attempt to start the creation of a new me. A me without her.
The sex with Mark is also a very pleasant distraction. It helps too that when I am spending the night with him. I am not in the bedroom I shared with her. Memories float around that room like snakes ready to bring the painful sting of poison with their bite. 2.A.M conversations in bed together, after long tiring shifts talks containing plans of a future together.
A daughter named Eleanor. A son named Timothy. A dog named Scully. A cat she would eventually convince me into getting and probably end up naming it something ridiculous like Unicorn. The 2.A.M version of her when she lets all the exhaustion and stress and whatever else she may be feeling from the day, melt away. Emotions melt away, transforming into unfiltered silliness. A state of mind where no guards have to be up. Something we share, conversations just for our ears to hear.
I still love her, and I wish I didn't. It's so hard. Logically I should move on nice guy or girl and start over, but I can't because I know what we have is real. So right now I'm in Mark's kitchen cooking spaghetti and meatballs; dancing to the music pouring from my phone. One song ends and the next begins.
Settle down with me. Cover me up. Cuddle me in. Lie down with me, and hold me in your arms.
My movements stop for a moment I forget what I am supposed to be doing.
And your heart's against my chest. Your lips pressed to my neck. I'm falling for your eyes, but they don't know me yet.
I am back in our apartment before it was our apartment, back when it was my apartment with Christina. Addison had driven down for a girls' weekend shortly after Archer had his brain scare.
"More wine Callie?" Addison offered me, as she was already pouring me another glass. "Alright we need to change this song" Addison motioned to the radio, "it's too slow."
I shake my head back and forth the alcohol in my system slowed down the motion. "No we don't it's a beautiful song." I argued as I listened to the soft notes echo throughout the living room. "It's beautiful just like she is."
"I'm pretty sure this is a man singing Cal" Addison interjected. "No not Ed. Arizona she is the beautiful one" I giggled just thinking about her. "Oh right your hot new blonde PEDS' lady" Addison teased.
And then a few weeks later when Arizona and I were at her place, eating pizza listening to music while we ate. The strumming of the guitar began as the song began to play. "What is it Calliope? Why did your face just light up like the sky on Fourth of July?" Arizona asked looking at me with one of her super magic smiles. "This should be our song." I told her excitement in my voice, returning a smile of my own. Arizona paused listening to the song interpreting the meaning of the lyrics. Once the song ended, she turned her attention back to me. "Oh my god this is so sweet. Yes this should definitely be our song." She agreed pulling me into a kiss.
Now in Mark's kitchen I let the memory play out fully. Trying to bite back the emotions which are bubbling up inside of me. I try to remind myself of the last few weeks of our relationship. How we were both so busy with our own obligations we hadn't had time for each other. The fact that we had made plans together multiple times, but we had to keep canceling them because something would come up for one or both of us. I hadn't forgotten the ignored texts, or the texts she would read, but never respond to. The texts I would read on my phone but either wouldn't have the time or energy to respond to, until hours later.
So here I am in the middle of Mark's kitchen trying to pull up all these very logical reasons for why we needed to end, but all the same I can't help still missing and wanting her.
My knees are curled up to my chest in the seat, as I gaze out the window. 24 hours ago I was all ready to start the next three years of my life doing something completely incredible. But then I happened to catch the date on a form I was filling out. Tears started spilling from my face realization that if we were together right now it would eight months since we had gotten back together, after the shooting. I had to be asked twice "what was wrong?" Before I heard the question. Something in my eye? No that wouldn't work I'm crying too hard. I could use the tough case excuse; but that wouldn't work either because here they will all be tough cases. So the next words out my mouth were the truth. "I miss my girlfriend" I responded weakly and embarrassed. The question I was asked next shocked me.
"Do you want to leave? Do you want to go home?" I was prepared to say no. I needed to do this. I wanted to do this. I had given up too much to be able to do this in the first place. But again the words that came out of my mouth were the truth "yes I do" I answered.
So now I am sitting in an airplane seat staring out the window watching Africa disappear before me. I put my earbuds in hitting play on the paused song on my phone screen.
And with a feeling. I'll forget. I'm in love now.
I focus on the last line I heard. I'm in love now. I am definitely in love now, and that definitely makes Africa easier, to leave behind.
I have just gotten in and shrugged off my leather jacket when there is a knock at the door. "Coming" I call slowly making my way to the door. I pull open the door she is standing there in a comfy sweater and a pair of sweatpants and her blue eyes, which are normally a brilliant blue are pale and red so I know she has been crying. "Hi" her voice is barely a whisper. The word raspy with effort. She sounds sick is my first thought. I want to pull her into a hug and kiss her and take her back and take care of her and forgive her, but all the anger that has built up inside of me over the last few weeks took control of my hand slamming the door in her face.
I should have expected to get a door slammed in my face. I mean I probably would have slammed a door in my face too. But I can't give up on us, on her without a fight and I know that I'm an excellent fighter. So now I am going to sit outside the door until she talks to me.
It has been over for a month now and Arizona is everywhere. She is back at work she even bought out our sublets and is living in the apartment again. So now she is living right across the hall. I am in an elevator heading to the cafeteria she slides in just before the doors close. "Go away" I mumble under my breath. "No Callie I will not go away, because I am in love with you Calliope and you are in love with me and none of it matters."
I take a deep breath trying to organize my thoughts to say something important. The doors open on the floor of the cafeteria. Neither of us make an effort to move I take that as a sign to make my next decision.
I let the doors close again and I push the button to the lobby. "Callie what are you doing?"Arizona asked confusion in her voice. "No please don't say anything you've been saying stuff for weeks. You've had your turn ok?" I question a little harder than I meant too. "Yeah of course" she responds her voice small. Once the doors open I grab her hand which feels right, our hands have always fit together. I lead her out of the out into the rainy night.
"I love you so much Arizona I really do. I want to forgive you and I want you back. I want us back to normal more than anything, but as much as I both love and miss you; I am also so incredibly mad at you. Because you left after a few weeks of it being hard, when there was plenty of valid reasons for why it was hard. We were both under extreme amounts of stress that would have passed . So our relationship is and always will be a little harder than most. But we should be enough to get through the hard times together like we always have I should have been enough, worth you staying for, but no you just left instead. And then you come back and you say all these wonderful things that make it impossible to stay mad at you or to think logically, and remember there are good reasons we aren't together anymore" I finish my argument.
I take in her stunned expression. The tears rolling down her face and most of all the silence, Arizona Robbins is silent. It breaks my heart to see her this hurt, but also makes my heart feel a bit better to know that I am not the only person who is miserable.
I climb the stairs clutching the paper bags in my hands. I probably shouldn't be doing this. I know how mad she is. I saw how mad she was just a few hours ago. I need to explain my reasons for not being able to give up on us.
I reach the blue door pausing in front or it. It's not too late I could still turn around save myself the embarrassment, but I can't because I love her and it's as simple as that, screw logic. So I take a deep breath and put my plan into motion. I push the door to our apartment open walk inside setting the bags of food down on the table. I walk out of the apartment leaving the door wide open, straight across the hall and rap my knuckles against the door. I keep knocking even when I hear footsteps heading towards the door. "Hold on I'm coming." Mark's sleepy gruff calls from the other side of the door.
The door creaks open Mark's head pops out. "Hey blondie hold on I'll go get her." He grins lazily at me. A couple minutes later he reappears Callie obviously hiding behind him. "Go with her Torres" Mark instructs gently. "Mark I don't want to" Callie practically whines like a little kid not wanting to go to school. "Stop being such a baby Torres of course you want to; you have been miserable with a capital M without her." Mark argues pulling her out from behind him gently shoving her out into the hallway with me. "Have fun you two" he smirk, "thanks Mark" I smile at him as he shuts the door.
"Arizona" Callie starts but I cut her off. "I had my turn you had your turn now it's my turn again ok? We are going to take turns in this." I take her hand leading her back into our apartment. "What's that? She asks sitting down on the couch pointing to the bags of food. Reaching inside one the bags I pull out a box of chicken nuggets. The tiniest bit of a smile forms on Callie's face in response. "You brought me chicken nuggets at two in the morning."
"I did" I laugh at the inside joke between us. We let a silence fall over the room. The music I had put on earlier and forgot to turn off, before I left is a good distraction. We both let a strained laugh out at the song that is playing.
Settle down with me
Cover me up
Cuddle me in
Lie down with me
Hold me in your arms
Your heart's against my chest
Lips pressed to my neck
I've fallen for your eyes
But they don't know me yet
And the feeling I forget
I'm in love now
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
This feels like I've fallen in love
Fallen in love
Fallen in love
Settle down with me
And I'll be your safety
You'll be my lady
I was made to keep your body warm
But I'm cold as, the wind blows
So hold me in your arms
My heart's against your chest
Your lips pressed to my neck
I've fallen for your eyes
But they don't know me yet
And the feeling I forget
I'm in love now
Kiss me like you wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
This feels like I've fallen in love
Fallen in love
Fallen in love
Yeah I've been feeling everything
From hate to love
From love to lust
From lust to truth
I guess that's how I know you
So hold you close
To help you give it up
So kiss me like you wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
This feels like I've fallen in love
Fallen in love
Fallen in love
So kiss me like you wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
Wanna be loved
This feels like I've fallen in love
Fallen in love
Fallen in love
Once the song ends I find my voice. "Calliope I know you're mad. And you have every right and reason to be." Callie lets out a cold laugh, making a cold feeling spread through my stomach.
"You're right I do have every right to be mad, and I am trust me, but more than that, Callie sucks back emotion before continuing "I'm hurt Arizona. You've broken my heart you reassured me so many times since we got back together that you wouldn't leave. And just when I begin to fully trust that you won't you go and do exactly that." Callie accuses now crying.
"I'm sorry I'm so sorry Calliope." I stutter the words out through heavy tears of my own. I collect myself I needed to push through and say what I needed to say.
"Callie I love you. I want to be with you. I'm not delusional though I know we can't go back to how we were because we weren't good recently, but there was a time we were great together. We were the couple that people were jealous of. I love you and I know you still love me because I know what we have is real. Because you are still you and I'm still me. I'm not asking to get back together today or tomorrow or maybe not even this month or maybe not even year for that matter. Who knows? I just have a feeling that the crazy wonderful powers that brought us together will bring us back to each other. I know that with this time we are taking apart we will be stronger when we do work our way back together. And I can be so confident about this because, sometimes logic needs to be thrown out the window.
AN THIS IS THE BEST WAY I COULD THINK OF TO EXPLAIN TO SOMEONE HOW I TRULY FEEL.
REVIEWS ARE WELCOME HAVE A FANTASTIC DAY LOVELIES! SONG KISS ME BY ED SHEERAN.