DISCLAIMER: DBZ is not mine; if it were, I'd be too counting my money to write crappy fanfics. Neither do I claim ownership of Fruit Loops, except for the box of 'em in my kitchen.
A/N: Urrgh...I know, this is awfully long for a one-chapter story. Tough bunnies. Like all of my stories, it makes no sense whatsoever; this is just a vehicle for needless Piccolo and Kibito torture. Just remember, torture is the sincerest form of flattery...or something like that.
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Tea Time (or The Dolly and I)
By Meressefers
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One fine December morning, there was quite a congregation at Capsule Corp.
"Ready, girls?" Chi-chi asked Bulma and 18 with a grin. The three of them planned to go Christmas shopping that very morning.
"You know it," replied Bulma with an equally wide grin.
"Of course," said 18. "I'm *always* ready for shopping." She put down her daughter and walked her over to Krillin. "Now you be good for Daddy today, honey." 18 shot a look at Krillin that plainly told him to do likewise.
"B-but I want to go with you, Mommy," whimpered Marron. She clung to her mother's leg.
"I can't very well buy you a Christmas present with you around, now can I?" 18 gently peeled off her daughter. "Besides, you won't have any fun just walking around all the stores. At least you've got toys to play with here." This argument finally convincing the little girl, 18 joined the other women, and they left, though not before telling their consorts to watch Goten and Trunks.
"Think it'll end well?" asked Chi-chi once they had gotten a good distance down the road in Bulma's car.
"No," Bulma said, "it'll be a disaster. But that's why we'll make them clean up any messes they've made." The three laughed and kept driving.
***
Back at Capsule Corp., the menfolk were planning a similar day.
"...Okay, we just have to wait for Kaioshin to get here, then we're good to go," said Goku.
"Kaioshin?" Krillin cocked an eyebrow. "Why is he going?"
"Good question," commented Piccolo, who couldn't figure out why he himself was being dragged along on this expedition, much less the high god of the universe.
"Coz he'll know what our wives" -- as Goku spoke, Vegeta shot him an irritated look -- "want for Christmas."
"WHAT?!?" Piccolo's eyes bugged. "You can't be serious..."
Goku shrugged. "How else are we supposed to find out?"
"Maybe you should try ASKING them, Goku."
"But then they'll know what we're getting them. Where's the fun in that?"
"Yeah," Krillin chimed in. "You've got a point there, Goku."
"You guys are hopeless," said Piccolo, shaking his head at Goku's clueless blasphemy. A long silence prevailed, marred only by the laughter of Goten and Trunks, who were goofing off as usual.
Vegeta finally broke the silence. "He'd better get here soon," the Saiyan prince snapped. "I'm not about to wait here all day for him to get his pathetic purple ass to Earth."
"How do you know his ass is purple, Vegeta?" cracked Krillin.
"Because his skin's purple, you fool!" The ferocious look that Vegeta shot Krillin promptly shut the noseless man up.
Thirty minutes passed with no sign of the Supreme Kai, and Vegeta's incessant bitching finally prompted Goku to head out without the deity. However, there was a nice little fiasco before they left.
"Where's Dr. Brief?" Goku inquired frantically after a run through the building. His planned baby-sitter was nowhere to be found. "Or Mrs. Brief? Where are they?!?" He soon had everyone, even Vegeta, searching the premises for Bulma's parents.
"They're not here!" said Vegeta once the men had finished their search.
"Are you sure?" asked Krillin and Goku in unison.
"Yes, I'm sure! That damn cat was napping on the couch. Brief never puts it down."
"What are we going to do about the kids?" Goku scratched his head.
"We can come with you!" suggested Goten.
"Yeah! It'll be fun," said Trunks.
"I'm not falling for that again," growled his father. "I remember what you did last year, brat."
Trunks giggled. "It was funny, too."
"What did he do?" Goku asked.
"He blackmailed me into getting him the most stupid, overpriced video game so he wouldn't tell the woman how I handled an insolent salesman! A VIDEO GAME! Video games are for weaklings!" Vegeta's eye twitched at the memory.
"Oh boy," murmured Krillin.
Vegeta turned to Goku. "Didn't you make sure the old man would be home today before you designated him you baby-sitter?"
"Well, he told Bulma that he'd be staying home, and I figured he and Mrs. Brief wouldn't mind watching the kids..."
"Kakarotto!!! That was the same excuse we used on the women! Those two are probably shopping right now, too, you imbecile!"
"Calm down, Vegeta," said Krillin. "It was an honest mistake. Sheesh."
"It may have been honest, but it was STUPID!" Vegeta spat.
"It doesn't matter if it was a stupid mistake or not," Piccolo butted in. "The fact of the matter is, the children cannot be left alone."
"Then maybe you should watch them, Namek," Vegeta said, glaring at Piccolo.
He glared back. "They're not *my* kids. Why should I?"
"Because you're just so touchingly concerned." The Saiyan prince smirked smugly. "Besides, who are you going to buy presents for, anyway?"
"Hmph," said Piccolo, unable to come up with a better response.
"Could you be the baby-sitter, Piccolo?" asked Goku. "Really. There's no one else."
"Have you lost your mind?!?" The turbaned Namek choked.
"Please?"
"I SAID, have you lost your mind?!?"
"Aw, c'mon, Piccolo," Goku pleaded.
"Yeah. 18 would kill me if I left Marron alone." Krillin looked scared. "I mean, she really would kill me."
"Th-that's not my problem!" Piccolo sweated. Goku and Krillin continued to pelt him with eager pleas, and eventually he caved.
"Thanks, Piccolo!" shouted Goku as he, Vegeta, and Krillin flew off.
"Yeah, yeah." Piccolo glowered up into the sky and went back inside Capsule Corp. Marron tugged on his cape. "What is it?"
"Piccy, Piccy, Trunks took my dolly!" wailed the girl.
"Huh?" Piccolo turned to Trunks. "Give her doll back."
"Uh...what doll?" said Trunks. Goten giggled.
"Don't play games with me!" Piccolo scowled down at the lavender-haired boy. "Give back the doll!"
"I don't have it."
"Yes, you do. GIVE IT!"
"He really doesn't," said Goten, shaking his head. Piccolo noticed something sticking out of his hair -- a tiny foot shod in bright pink. He reached for the foot and pulled Marron's doll from Goten's hair.
"Aha!" Piccolo handed the toy back to Marron. "You boys had better knock it off! I'm not going to put up with this today!"
"Put up with what?" Goten asked innocently.
"You know what I mean! Now BEHAVE!"
"Okay, Piccolo." Goten and Trunks ran off, and Marron danced around Piccolo with her doll.
"Dolly, dolly, dolly..." She stopped and smiled up at her baby-sitter. "Thank you, Piccy!"
"Er...you're welcome." Piccolo sighed and sat down. Marron plopped down beside him. "Now that you have your 'dolly' back, why don't you go play with it?"
"Dolly wants to play with *you*!"
Piccolo goggled at the little girl. "I...I...I don't play with dolls."
Marron looked as if she would cry. "But dolly wants to play with you. Please, Piccy?"
Here come the waterworks... Piccolo tried to avoid upsetting the girl...it wouldn't be a pretty situation. But playing with a DOLL? He shuddered, desperately glad that no one was around to witness this. "Fine. I'll play."
"Yay!" Marron cheered. It was the beginning of the end for our favorite Namek...
***
Fifteen minutes later, Piccolo was cradling the infamous dolly in his arms, a disgusted expression stamped on his face. Marron hopped around, crooning "Rock-a-bye, Baby" at the top of her lungs. Suddenly, she stopped.
"Piccy, what happens to the baby after it falls from the treetop?"
Piccolo stalled. "Uh... Why me?!? ...I think...um..." Before he got the chance to answer, however, two petite figures walked softly into the room and immediately began snickering. Piccolo turned and saw the interlopers, and his knees buckled. He was in for it now.
"Having fun, Piccolo?" Trunks and Goten smiled slyly at the Namek. In his fright, Piccolo fumbled with the doll and managed to hide it in his cape.
"Does it look like I'm having fun to you?" he raved, giving the boys a warning glare, but to no avail. Their smiles didn't fade.
"I dunno. Should we ask the doll?" The mischievous gleam in Trunks' eyes told Piccolo that if he was afraid now, he should soon be much more afraid. He remembered what Vegeta had said about Trunks blackmailing him last year and quaked.
Marron's face scrunched up, and added to Piccolo's list of fears was a temper tantrum from the toddler. "Piccy, Piccy! Don't let them get my dolly!"
Unable to control himself, Piccolo turned to the little girl. "He's not going to get your frickin' dolly, okay? JUST STOP CALLING ME PICCY!!! My name is Piccolo!" Marron sniffled and contorted her face even more. Aaaah! What have I done?!? thought Piccolo.
To his vast surprise, Marron soon looked up at him and smiled. "Okay, Piccy-lo."
"Well, it's an improvement," Piccolo muttered, glad that the girl had not started crying. Then he realized the horrible, horrible error he had made.
"Oh, Piccy..." chimed the two boys.
"SHUT UP!"
"Whatever you say, Piccy."
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!!!"
Goten shook his finger and clucked in mock admonition. "Pissy, pissy," he said.
"No, Goten," said Trunks, "it's 'Piccy, Piccy'."
"Oh, right." Goten repeated his previous action. "Piccy, Piccy." He and Trunks doubled over laughing.
"If you say that name again, I'll personally hang you from the ceiling by your pinkies! And that's not a threat, that's a promise!"
"Okay," said Goten.
Trunks coughed. "That name."
"That's it!" Piccolo picked up the boys by their ears. "LISTEN UP! I'm not going to put up with this today!" Goten and Trunks kicked him in the gut simultaneously, and he crashed to the ground with a loud "oomph!" The doll tumbled from his cape.
"Dolly!" said Marron as she ran towards her toy.
"Yoink!" said Trunks as he scooped up the doll.
"Give me my dolly!" Marron shouted. Piccolo muttered something to the same effect.
"Just a minute, Marron." Trunks held the doll just out of the little girl's reach. "Can I play with it? Please?"
Marron frowned. "I guess..."
"Thanks!" Trunks turned to Goten and whispered something in his ear. "Ready?"
"Yup." The two ran outside with the doll.
Piccolo pulled himself up. "Dammit!" He raced out after them, and Marron followed him as fast as her little legs could carry her.
Once outside, the boys floated up into the air. Piccolo shot up after them, but they easily evaded the Namek. "Give back that doll!" On the ground, tears began to well in Marron's eyes. Piccolo panicked. "GIVE BACK THE DOLL!!!"
"Uh-uh," said Trunks. "Go back down first."
"Yeah, like I'm falling for that!"
"It's your call." Trunks shrugged. "I don't mind telling everyone else you were playing with a baby doll."
"Yeah!" echoed Goten. "Everyone else!"
"WHAT?!?" Piccolo let himself sink halfway to the ground. "You can't be serious!"
"Go back down and walk like a crab," said Trunks. "Then we'll give you the doll, 'kay?"
Piccolo was about to threaten the two some more when he looked down and saw that tears were now streaming down Marron's cheeks. "Urrgh..." He landed completely and glanced back up at the boys. "How am I supposed to walk like a...like a crab?"
"Get on your back and walk around on all fours like that," Goten instructed him. Piccolo growled, removed his cape (he could just see the disaster waiting to happen if he kept it on), and proceeded to walk in just such a manner. Goten and Trunks laughed and laughed. After a minute, Piccolo got up, brushed the dirt off himself, and shouted up to the boys. "Make with the doll!"
"All right, all right. Sheesh." Trunks dangled the doll over the Namek. "Just so you know, we weren't *really* going to tell anyone about this."
"Wha-- you little bastard!" Piccolo seethed. "GIVE. ME. THE. DOLL."
"If you're not going to be nice, you can catch it." Trunks dropped the doll, and Piccolo scrambled to catch it. Unfortunately for him, he tripped over a loose rock and smacked into the pavement at the very same time as the toy did five feet away.
Stars circling his head, Piccolo picked himself up and crawled to the doll. Its impact with the driveway had caused its head to snap off. "Oh no..." he muttered.
Trunks and Goten came down to the ground and looked over the doll. Sweating, Trunks said, "That wasn't supposed to happen..." He laughed nervously, and he and Goten took off as quickly as possible, Piccolo shouting numerous expletives after them.
Once the boys were finally out of sight, Piccolo stopped screaming and picked up the broken doll. "Um..." He glanced at the now-sobbing Marron. "Let's go fix 'dolly' up."
Marron ceased to sob for a moment. "Will you make her all better, Piccy-lo?"
"Yeah, sure." They walked back inside, and Piccolo failed to notice that Marron was dragging his cape behind her like a favored blanket.
***
The next half-hour was hellish.
Piccolo ransacked the building for a tube of super glue and couldn't find anything remotely resembling it. He did, however, procure a nearly spent roll of scotch tape. Using this, he carefully reattached the doll's head and handed it back to Marron. "Thank you, Piccy," she told him. He tactfully ignored this appellation and put his cape back on.
Piccolo's luck ran out when the little girl decided that another game of "Rock-a-bye, Baby" was in order. He...well, to make a long story short, he managed to re-decapitate the doll, and Marron was none too pleased.
"YOU KILLED DOLLY!!!" shrieked the little girl, who was crying and screaming and just generally throwing a fit.
"I...I didn't mean to..." Piccolo said weakly.
"YOU KILLED HER, PICCY! YOU KILLED HER!" Marron jumped onto Piccolo and immediately began beating him over the head with the doll's body.
"Hey! Cut that -- ow! -- out!" Piccolo struggled to get the child off himself without hurting her. "That really hurts! Ouch!" His turban went flying. "Stop it! DEAR KAMI, STOP IT!!!" Hard plastic smashed against his head again and again, and everything went black...
***
"Wake up, Piccy!" A sharp pain shot through Piccolo's left antenna. "Wake up!"
"Seriously, Marron, don't do that. It's not going to work."
"Yeah, you'll just make him mad."
"*More* mad, Goten."
"Well, maybe he's not mad anymore." Another jab of pain. "Marron, what did we just say? Trunks, she's not listening..."
"But Piccy won't wake up!" Yet another, more acute jab of pain. Piccolo screamed and regained consciousness. Three pint-sized figures stood over him.
"Um, are you all right, Piccolo?" asked Trunks. "You were kinda knocked out."
"Yeah," Goten said, "and Marron was pulling on your antennae."
"So I noticed." Piccolo got up, his head pounding like a drum. A very cold, vulnerable drum. He scanned the room. "Where's my turban?" The boys shrugged, but Marron walked up to Piccolo with the headless doll grasped in one hand and the white turban in the other. Piccolo took the turban from her and put it on, eyeing the doll warily the whole time.
"How were you knocked out?" asked Goten.
Piccolo gulped and opted to purposely mystify the boys. "The 'dolly' turned vicious." Goten and Trunks shared a confused look, and Piccolo continued. "What's it to you?"
"It's lunchtime!" Goten grinned. "We need you."
Piccolo glanced suspiciously at the clock and back at the boys. "What are you talking about?!? It's quarter after ten! You barely had breakfast an hour ago."
"What Goten means," said Trunks, "is that you need to start making lunch now if you're going to make enough for us by lunchtime."
"Hold on a minute!" Piccolo glared at no one in particular. "No one said anything about MAKING LUNCH!"
Trunks rolled his eyes. "Well, that's part of being a baby-sitter, Piccolo. You should have found out what you were getting yourself into before you accepted the job."
"Oh, shut up! If you're going to be insolent, you can make your own lunch!"
"Piccy, Piccy, don't yell." Marron sidled up to the Namek and sniffled into his cape. "Please, Piccy?" Goten and Trunks smiled at the sight. Piccolo would soon give in...
***
Two hours passed, and Piccolo found himself in the kitchen, searching desperately for dry cereal, canned soup, or any other pre-made food he could find. As he never ate, he didn't know or frankly care how to make a meal, and he would have sent the boys to look for their own food, except that a certain pigtailed little girl brandishing a decapitated doll wanted lunch, too. So on he searched, muttering under his breath about killing the other Z Fighters for procreating way too many times.
Eventually, Piccolo assembled a variety of foodstuffs and made a meal as best as he could. "Here!" he said, shoving a gigantic bowl in front of Goten and Trunks. "Dig in!"
"Er...Piccolo?" Trunks looked dubiously at the contents of the bowl. "You put the Fruit Loops in applesauce."
"Yeah, so?" Piccolo shot the boy a look that dared him to go on.
"They're supposed to be in milk."
Piccolo opened his mouth to respond, but Goten, who had been busily shoveling the cereal-applesauce mixture into his mouth, looked up. "It's good like this, Trunks. Thank you, Piccolo!" Trunks now commenced to scarf down the mixture as quickly as his friend.
Marron gazed pathetically at Piccolo. "Piccy? I'm hungry." The Namek hastily opened a can of chicken noodle soup and dumped the condensed contents into a bowl.
"There. Eat," he commanded. Trunks and Goten stopped eating for a moment and snickered.
Marron frowned at the concentrated clump of noodles and bouillon and then at Piccolo. "No. I want ice cream."
Piccolo, who knew enough about ice cream from hanging out with Goku, flatly refused. Marron tried again to sway his decision, and this time the boys butted in.
"C'mon, Piccolo, can't we have ice cream?" asked Trunks.
"We'll share it with you!" piped Goten.
The Namek gritted his teeth. "First of all, I don't eat. I don't want any ice cream! Secondly, YOU CANNOT HAVE ICE CREAM FOR LUNCH!!!"
"Why not? We finished our Fruit Loops," Goten pleaded. He held up the giant bowl for Piccolo to see -- the boys had practically licked it clean.
"Then you're done eating! Get out of the kitchen and leave me alone!" Piccolo was about to shove the two out the door when Marron began to pound her spoon on the table.
"Ice cream! Ice cream! Ice cream!" she shouted. Piccolo twitched nervously and walked to the freezer. This is going to be a long day, he thought.
Fortunately for Piccolo, there were three half-gallon cartons of ice cream in the freezer, and thus he could sate the three ravenous chibis. Unfortunately, Goten and Trunks were still hungry after devouring almost a carton and a half each (Marron only ate a bowl of strawberry) -- something which Piccolo should have expected but didn't. Nonetheless, they asked him for more food. Piccolo truculently told them that if they didn't stop their whining, he'd cook them in a pie and serve them to Goku for Christmas dinner. The two boys took a hint and scampered off without another word.
A peaceful silence now pervaded the building. Piccolo wiped the pink mess from Marron's face and carried the toddler out to the living room. She yawned, so Piccolo put her down on the couch next to Scrunchy the cat, who was dozing as Vegeta had said over three hours ago. Marron fell asleep, and Piccolo took advantage of the quiet to meditate on the floor in front of the couch.
***
Piccolo's mental tranquility was interrupted by a loud crash. His eyes flew open, and he looked around himself. Where was that sound coming from? He peered over his shoulder at the couch; there was nothing but the cat. He breathed a sigh of relief, but then...
Nothing but the cat?!? But that means... where's Marron?!? Piccolo's heart raced. I'm dead meat! If he lost that girl...Piccolo didn't want to think about it. He just shook.
A soft whistling sound caught the Namek's attention. He looked to his side and very nearly jumped for joy. Marron was curled up on the train of his cape with her doll, fast asleep. She was snoring lightly and sucking on the white fabric of the cape, which was wrapped around her thumb. Absolved of all guilt, Piccolo sank back against the couch's base. The girl must have crawled down while he was meditating.
Another crash sounded. This time, Piccolo determined that it came from upstairs. He scowled at the thought of the destruction the boys must be causing and attempted to get up and reprimand them. However, he found he could not move without disturbing Marron, and after the previous incident with the doll, he wished to avoid that. He settled back down, mentally screaming at himself for being cowed by a three-year old.
Of course, now that Piccolo was pretty much bound to the spot, a faint voice came from upstairs. "Uh, Piccolo? A little help here." It was Trunks.
What did they do now? Piccolo grimaced and shouted back up, "Help yourself!"
"We can't," carried Goten's voice.
"Tough." Piccolo sank back against the couch once more and closed his eyes. No sooner had he done so than the two boys pattered down the stairs and into the living room. He opened his eyes irritatedly. "Well? What's so important that you need my help?"
"A light bulb burned out," said Goten seriously. "We need you to change it."
"Open the curtains and let the sunlight in," Piccolo said. "It's broad daylight; you don't need to have a lamp on."
"But Piccolo --" Trunks started.
"No 'buts.' You don't need a light."
Trunks tried again. "But Piccolo, Goten tried to change it himself, and he broke it."
"WHAT?!?" Piccolo sweatdropped. "What did you break, the light bulb or the lamp?!?"
"The light bulb," said Goten with a nervous smile. "Uh, sorry?"
Piccolo, knowing that an outburst of anger would surely wake Marron, struggled to control himself. "Don't be sorry; just stay away from the broken bulb." A muscle in his jaw twitched from the strain. "And don't try to change any more bulbs. Do you understand me?"
"Yes, Piccolo," the boys said in unison.
"Good. Now run along."
Goten looked at Piccolo quizzically. "You're not mad or anything?"
"Of course I'm mad!" Piccolo hissed. "Now shut it! Marron's trying to sleep."
"Where is she?" Goten asked.
"Over here." Piccolo gestured to the girl. "Now use some discretion, would you? I don't want her waking up!"
The two boys shared a furtive glance. "You can't get up, can you?" asked Trunks. "She'll wake up if you do."
"What's it to you?" the frustrated Namek responded suspiciously.
"Well..." Goten and Trunks stood just out of Piccolo's reach and began making faces at him.
"If you're trying to get under my skin, it's not going to work." Piccolo crossed his arms. "Don't waste your time."
"Okay," said Goten as he made one final face.
"Yeah, we'll just skip to the fun stuff." Trunks grinned.
Piccolo grew wide-eyed. "Fun stuff?"
"Uh-huh." Goten nodded up and down. He and Trunks ran across the room to the phone. Trunks dialed and, a few moments later, began talking.
"Hello? West City Pizzeria?" Trunks smirked at Piccolo. "Can I get the Deluxe Extra-Long Sub? With all the toppings you've got. Yes, I know how big one is. Um...delivery. To Capsule Corp. My name? Piccolo. Bye." He hung up the phone.
"You little brat!" Piccolo glared at Trunks like he'd never glared before. Angrily, he did something very, very bizarre and -- considering the circumstances -- very, very brilliant: he ripped off his left arm and threw it at the boys, who were too shocked to move. The detached limb smacked Trunks in the head pretty hard.
"Ow!" The lavender-haired boy rubbed his head and caught the arm. "What was that for?"
"What do you think?!?" Piccolo clenched his remaining fist. "Now call back the pizza place and cancel your order!!!"
The boys continued to gawk at him. "Piccolo, your arm...how did you do that?" asked Goten.
"It doesn't matter!" Piccolo snapped. At his side, Marron stirred slightly
Goten scratched his head. "But now you don't have an arm."
"I realize that! The arm will grow back; it's called regeneration!"
"Oh." Goten looked back and forth between the severed arm and Piccolo. "Can I play with it?" Piccolo, as one could expect, vehemently refused this request, and Goten, as one could also expect, ignored him. He and Trunks began a game of catch with the arm while Piccolo fumed.
"Stop it, the both of you! Put that down immediately! Arrrgh..."
"If you want the arm so badly, you can have it." Trunks threw the arm at Piccolo, who caught it in his newly regenerated hand. However, the momentum of the disembodied limb forced his real arm back over the couch and right on top of Scrunchy.
"MEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!" the cat shrieked. He bit Piccolo's hand.
"YEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!" the Namek shrieked. He dropped the arm. Scrunchy, now wide-awake, pawed the appendage gingerly and began gnawing on it. Piccolo attempted to reclaim the arm, but Scrunchy clamped his jaws on it and ran off. Piccolo turned to the boys. "Do something!"
They shook their heads. "You don't want us playing with you arm, Piccolo," said Goten.
"I didn't tell you to play with it; I told you to go get it! Now do so!" The boys stood stock-still. "Fine! I'll get it myself!" Piccolo pulled himself up and ran after Scrunchy. Marron went flying, smacked into the couch, and woke up. She immediately began crying. Piccolo stopped in his tracks. "Oh no..."
"WAAAAAA!!! PICCY!!!" Marron clutched her doll and sobbed.
Piccolo ran back over to her and hastily picked the child up. "Er...I'm sorry. It's all right, it's all right." He shot an immensely aggravated look at Goten and Trunks, who bit back their laughter and raced after Scrunchy. Piccolo continued to rock Marron. "It's all right." He was completely relieved that Marron had not found it necessary to beat him senseless with her doll again.
A minute later, the boys came back. Trunks put the cat back down on the couch. "What do you want us to do with this?" he asked as Goten dangled the arm.
"Throw it out." Piccolo felt a calm come over himself, and Marron stopped crying. "When you're done with that, I'll change that light bulb."
"Okay!" Goten ran to the kitchen with the arm and came back. "The light's upstairs."
"Yeah, I figured as much." Still holding Marron, Piccolo started upstairs with the boys. They led him into Trunks' bedroom, where the shards of the broken bulb lay strewn across the floor. Piccolo turned to the boys. "One of you -- get a broom and clean this up." Trunks did so, and Piccolo put Marron down on the bed. "Where are the light bulbs?"
"Over here." Trunks handed Piccolo a box. "We took them out earlier." Piccolo merely grunted, pulled out a light bulb and reached up to the ceiling-mounted light. He screwed in the light bulb and...
"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!" The Namek was wracked with convulsions as electricity from the light socket flowed through his body. Shocking blue currents crackled around him, and smoke filled the room.
Goten sniffed. "Who's cooking hot dogs? They smell good."
"Goten?" said Trunks. "That's just Piccolo."
"Oh."
Piccolo managed to let go of the light bulb and fell to the ground, sizzling. "Urrgh..." His eyes rolled back, and he put his head in his hands.
"Piccy?" Marron inquired concernedly. She jumped off the bed and ran to Piccolo. "Piccy?" She tugged on his cape, but he remained still and silent. "PICCY???"
"Uh-oh," said Goten.
"That can't be good," said Trunks. He tugged on Piccolo's cape as well. "Um, Piccolo?"
Finally, Piccolo showed signs of life. He peeled his hands from his face and glared murderously at the boys for a good long time. Then he flipped out. "YOU IDIOTS!!! YOU FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE LIGHT, DIDN'T YOU??? DIDN'T YOU?!? THANKS FOR ALMOST GETTING ME KILLED! YOU'RE GONNA REGRET YOU DIDN'T ELECTROCUTE YOURSELVES INSTEAD OF ME, COZ I'LL KILL YOU WORSE!!!" (Poor Piccolo and his bad grammar +(:- )
Piccolo got up and was about to knock the living shit out of the two boys when the doorbell rang. "Uh...we'll go get that," said Trunks.
"THE HELL YOU WILL!!!" Piccolo grabbed the duo by their collars and dragged them downstairs. "Stay here! I don't want any more trouble; do I make myself clear?!?" Goten and Trunks nodded fearfully, and the doorbell rang again. Piccolo stomped to the door and opened it.
Outside were two teenage delivery boys, one short with a wildly colored mohawk and the other really tall. They bore a very, very long submarine sandwich. "Yo," said the short one. "Twenty-foot sub here for a Mr. Piccolo. $65.95."
"Mmm," said Goten, "sub." Trunks elbowed him, and he shut up.
"I didn't order a sub!" Piccolo snapped.
"Well, are you Mr. Piccolo?" the tall kid drawled.
"Yes, I am, and no, I didn't order a sub! Now get lost!" Piccolo slammed the door in the delivery boys' faces. The doorbell rang again. Piccolo turned to Goten and Trunks. "If I see those two drugged-up punks out there, I'll kill each of you two times over!" He opened the door again.
"Dude, we can't take this back to work," pleaded the short teenager. "We'll get fired."
"Besides," the tall one stated, "it's half-spoiled just from the ride here, and --"
"Does it look like I care???" Piccolo flung the door shut and picked up Trunks and Goten roughly. All of a sudden, the doorbell sounded again. Piccolo dropped the boys. "ARRRRGH!!!" He tore the door open, saw two figures (one short with a mohawk and the other really tall), shouted something to the effect of not wanting that damn sub, and slammed the door.
A few seconds later, however, the door opened of its own accord, and a familiar purple face peered in. "Is something the matter, Piccolo?" The Namek, completely flabbergasted, stared at the newcomer silently. "You're acting quite strangely."
"K-Kaioshin...?" Piccolo managed to get out. Trunks and Goten made a run for it.
The petite deity and his assistant stepped into Capsule Corp. "Not to mention, you look quite frazzled," continued Kaioshin. "And you said something about a sub."
"Er...never mind," Piccolo said, sweating. "I thought you were someone else."
"Indeed." Kaioshin raised his eyebrows and changed the subject. "Please accept my apologies for my tardiness. I hope I haven't caused too much of an inconvenience."
"Not at all," Piccolo said. "They all left without you."
"They did. But you...?"
"I...I'm baby-sitting."
At that moment, Marron toddled down the stairs and right up to Piccolo. "Piccy?" She looked up eagerly at the Namek, who gave a hesitant sigh and scooped her up into his arms.
Kibito burst into derisive laughter. "Don't tell me that innocent little girl gave you all those bruises and scratches!"
"You'd be surprised," Piccolo replied dryly. He and Kibito regarded each other with mild irritation. Kaioshin reprimanded both of them, and all was well. Sort of. Yeah. *Ahem*
Anyway, Marron looked curiously at Kaioshin and Kibito. "Who are they, Piccy-lo?"
"He's the Supreme Kai, and he's Kibito," said Piccolo, pointing in turn to each immortal.
"Oh. Where're Goten and Trunks?"
"In deep trouble."
"What did they do?" asked Supreme Kai.
"You don't want to know," said Piccolo, looking away in shame.
"Do you need any assistance? These children seem like a handful."
Piccolo refused. "I can handle them by myself. Besides, I'm sure the others are hoping you'll join them sometime soon."
"Are you certain, Piccolo? I'm sure Kibito wouldn't mind staying here and helping you."
"WHAT?!?" Kibito's jaw dropped. "Master, surely you're jesting..."
"Come now, Kibito, it won't be that bad. They're just children."
"That's what I thought," muttered Piccolo.
Kibito cast a desperate look at Kaioshin. "Sir, I can't stay here! I have no experience with children! And how will you meet up with Goku?"
"Oh bother," Kaioshin said, "there are other ways of getting around besides Kai-Kai. I can fly. In any case, I need the exercise." He smiled. "As for the children, you should be fine with them."
The bodyguard gritted his teeth. "Master! Nothing good could possibly come of it."
"We'll see," said Kaioshin.
***
"Nothing good could possibly come of this," Kibito muttered to himself. Marron was leading him into the living room by the hand, meaning that the bodyguard was hunched down as he walked so Marron could reach high enough. Piccolo had taken off, saying that he had to teach the boys a lesson. Therefore Kibito was stuck watching the girl.
They reached the room, and Kibito found a nice play to stand. "Go play," he told the girl.
"Will you play with me?" Marron held up what appeared to be a headless doll.
"Er..." Kibito tugged at his own collar. He had the ominous feeling that upsetting this toddler would not end well. Nevertheless, he did not want to play with a doll. "Shall I fix your plaything?"
Wide-eyed, Marron took a step back. "No! You'll just hurt my dolly like Piccy did!"
"As you wish," said Kibito. Marron continued to stare frightenedly at him. "Do you still want to play?"
Marron shook her head. "No. Can you give me a piggy-back ride?"
"Piggy...back...ride?" Suddenly, Kibito was very, very scared.
"You know, a piggy-back ride!"
"I'm afraid I don't," the giant pink man responded.
"You carry me around on your shoulders, Kibby."
Kibito strove to remain calm and dignified. "That is not my name. Please call me Kibito."
"Will you still give me a piggy-back ride?"
"Whatever." Kibito picked up Marron and put her on his shoulders. He began to walk around. "Is this what you wanted?"
"Faster! Go faster, Kibby!" Marron tugged on a strand of Kibito's hair.
He yelped. "Ouch! If you please, do not pull my hair! And do not call me Kibby!"
Marron ignored his requests. "Go faster!" she demanded.
"Urrgh..." Kibito broke into a slow run, which, although it shook the house, was still not fast enough for the little girl. Knowing that a gait of greater speed would surely cause a minor earthquake, he started out the way Piccolo had gone; he was sure it was the way to the backyard.
Once outside, Kibito was faced with a sight of extreme peculiarity. Trunks and Goten stood uneasily side by side. Facing them was Piccolo, who looked absolutely savage. If Kibito had had any eyebrows, he would have raised them then. As it was, he had to content himself with a few skeptical thoughts. *This* is his lesson? A staring contest?
Of course, since Kibito had halted upon seeing Piccolo and the boys, Marron was not contented. "Kibby!" she said. "C'mon, Kibby!"
Highly, highly embarrassed (and turning a brighter red than usual), Kibito began to jog around. Piccolo did a double take. "Huh?" Then he saw a big red-pink blur running the perimeter of the yard. Goten and Trunks did as well and shared a confused look.
"Wheeee!!!" shouted Marron. She latched onto Kibito's hair in order to steady herself.
"Don't do that!" Kibito reproached the girl.
"I sorry, Kibby," said Marron. Kibito grimaced at the name and kept running. However, he soon felt a weight falling from his neck and shoulders.
"AAAAHHH! OH NO!!!" Kibito panicked and spun around to catch Marron just in the nick of time. "Phew."
By this time, Piccolo had halted his supposed discipline of the boys and was doubled over, laughing. "You poor man!" He laughed some more...and some more...and some more...
"It's not that funny, Piccolo," Kibito said coldly. He put Marron back up on his shoulders. "This time, don't grab my hair, little one."
"Okay," said the girl, now clutching Kibito's collar.
"You're still going to give her a piggyback ride?!?" Piccolo chortled. Goten and Trunks giggled.
"At least I'm not angering her." Kibito started off around the yard again, and everything was as normal as could be considering the circumstances. That is, everything was normal until Marron lost her grip on Kibito's collar and grabbed his ears instead. The giant rose-colored man winced but said nothing; it was nowhere near as bad as when she had pulled his hair. But then Marron lost her hold again and seized his earrings.
Kibito shrieked an unrepeatable obscenity. The entire weight of the girl was hanging from his earrings, and IT HURT. Quickly, he lifted Marron. "Let go! Let go!"
"But Kibby --"
"LET GO!" Fearfully, Marron complied, and Kibito put her back on the ground. "There will be NO MORE piggy-back rides today."
"Kibby?"
"No." Kibito looked away, and Marron began to cry into the hem of his sash. He looked helplessly at Piccolo, who was still laughing. Kibito's expression turned dark, but Piccolo took no notice of it.
Trunks approached Kibito warily. "Um...are you all right?" Kibito gave a quiet snort, and Trunks glared up at him. "Hey, I asked you a question. Are you all right?"
"That child nearly ripped my ears in two. I would not call that 'all right'."
"You don't have to be rude about it," Trunks retorted. "Sheesh." He turned to Marron. "Um, don't cry over him. He's just a big meanie." Marron sniffled and stopped crying.
Finally, Piccolo ceased to laugh. "What did I tell you, Kibito, what did I tell you?" he asked.
Kibito did not respond for a long, long time. Eventually, he said, "I can see why -- I can see how you were beat up like that."
"That's good to know," said Piccolo.
"You got beat up?" asked Goten.
Trunks elbowed his friend. "Are you stupid or something?" Goten opened his mouth to answer Trunks. "Wait, don't answer that."
"Okay," said Goten. "Um, Kibito, will you spar with us?"
"WHAT?!?" Kibito froze. "Ask...ask Piccolo that..."
"We would," added Trunks, "but we know he'd say no."
"I also say no," Kibito said. "I will not spar with you."
"Aw, c'mon," pleaded Goten. "There's nothing better to do, and you must be really, really strong. It'll be fun!" Piccolo restrained his laughter.
Kibito gritted his teeth. "I'd rather not spar with you."
"Suit yourself," said Trunks with a shrug.
"Can we have a tea party?" Marron butted in.
"No! Spar!" Goten protested.
"NEITHER!!!" screamed Piccolo and Kibito in unison, both scared by the latest suggestion. "NO TEA PARTIES! NO SPARRING!"
The three children turned to them with cute, evil puppy-dog eyes. "Oh...but Piccy, Kibby..."
"NO!" Ah, famous last words...
***
Twenty minutes later, the chibis and their lucky baby-sitters went back inside. Marron was riding on Piccolo's shoulders, Kibito had a black eye and a number of new bruises (not to mention a stomach cramp), and the boys had learned that great size doesn't necessitate great strength. The boys ran upstairs.
"Don't break any more light bulbs, you hear me?" Piccolo shouted after them.
"Yes, Piccolo!" they yelled back.
"Light...bulbs...?" asked Kibito.
"Never mind." Piccolo shook his head.
Marron squealed. "Don't move, Piccy!"
"Sorry." Piccolo put Marron back down. "Do you still want --"
"Tea time!" said Marron. She grabbed both Piccolo's and Kibito's hands and started pulling them toward the kitchen.
"Uh, pardon?" Kibito stalled. "I need to sit down for a bit."
"Okay!" Marron led them into the living room.
"What are we doing now?!?" Piccolo asked.
"Kibby needs to sit down," Marron explained.
"Thanks a lot!" Piccolo hissed to Kibito. "I wanted to get this done and over with!"
"I was just pummeled by those boys! Allow me a break," Kibito hissed back. He approached the couch and sat down slowly.
"Watch out for the cat," the Namek warned him. Kibito glanced toward the opposite end of the couch, where a small black feline lay curled up.
Marron jumped up next to the cat. "You can pet the kitty, Kibby." She prodded Scrunchy. "Wake up, Scrunchy." The cat opened his eyes and yawned. Marron pushed him to Kibito. "Here." Kibito hesitantly patted Scrunchy's head. Scrunchy purred and climbed into his lap. "See? He likes you, Kibby."
"So I see. Could you, ah, get him off me?" Kibito looked uncomfortably at the cat and then at Marron, who did absolutely nothing. He turned to Piccolo.
"Hey, don't look at me!" Piccolo said. "I've been bitten once today by that cat; I'm not touching it again."
Kibito sighed and cautiously picked up Scrunchy himself. However, the cat squirmed out of his grasp and scrambled up to his shoulders. Not only that, but the cat sunk his claws in -- not a pleasant sensation on Kibito's side of things. When Kibito tried to pull Scrunchy off, the cat dug his nails in harder. The bodyguard flinched in pain and implored Marron to remove Scrunchy.
"Why?" she asked. "He's a good kitty." Kibito fixed her with a cross gaze. "Okay, Kibby, but you have to hold my dolly." She handed him the headless toy and beckoned to Scrunchy. "Here, kitty; c'mere, kitty." Scrunchy meowed but did not move. "C'mon, Scrunchy!" Marron stroked his ears and tried to wrench the cat off Kibito's shoulder. Much to Kibito's relief, the cat retracted his claws and let go.
In a stroke of bad luck, however, Marron lost her grip on Scrunchy, who wound up on top of Kibito's head. Kibito did not dare touch Scrunchy himself lest the cat dig its claws in his scalp or get tangled in his hair. "Somebody. Get. This. Thing. Off. Me," he said through gritted teeth. At the other side of the room, Piccolo heaved with silent laughter. Scrunchy just meowed and made himself comfortable.
***
Once they had removed Scrunchy from Kibito's head (it was Trunks who finally coerced his grandfather's cat to come down), Marron reclaimed her doll and reminded the surly baby-sitters of the tea party they had promised her. Piccolo, done with laughing after the mention of said party, wiped away a few tears and started off towards the kitchen.
"Where are you going, Piccy?" asked Marron.
"Didn't you -- I mean, the cups and the plates -- yeah..." Piccolo trailed off wearily.
"We can't get the cups *yet*," the little girl insisted. Piccolo and Kibito shared a worried look. "We have to get dressed up first."
"WHAT?!?!" Kibito and Piccolo fell over in shock. (If you thought Kibito running through the house was bad, imagine the thud now. Piccy-chan's not exactly Tiny Tim, either.)
"We have to get dressed up first," Marron said stoutly and led the two cringing men upstairs.
If I survive this, I'm quitting! Let's see how Kaioshin-sama likes THAT, thought one.
DAMN YOU, GOKU!!! thought the other.
***
At approximately 3:45 P.M. that day, Dr. and Mrs. Brief came back home bearing several humongous shopping bags and were met by a disturbing silence.
"Where is everyone?" Dr. Brief pondered, passing through the living room. "I thought they were all staying home." He picked up his cat, who lay dozing on the couch.
"Who knows?" said Mrs. Brief with her usual ditzy, over-perky smile.
A voice came from the dining room. "Here you go, Piccy." This was followed by a choleric grunt and the clinking of chinaware.
Mrs. Brief peered into the room and squealed. "Oh, that's so cute! The others must be upstairs." Dr. Brief nodded, and they proceeded to put away their purchases.
***
4:00 P.M. rolled around, and Bulma, Chi-chi, and 18 also returned -- with even bigger shopping bags.
"I swear, I saw him looking into the window display," said Chi-chi as they walked in the door.
"No way! The guys said they'd be staying here today," said Bulma embarrassedly. "Besides, why would Vegeta stop and look at a lingerie store?!"
"To get you a Christmas present, of course," retorted Chi-chi. "Or an *X*mas present, anyway." Bulma blushed furiously and was about to stutter a defensive response when 18 interceded.
"He may well have been," the android said. "Listen -- there's no one here."
"My dad's car is parked in the garage; he and Mom must be here."
"I meant the men." 18 looked around suspiciously. "What did they do with the kids, though?" The other women shrugged as best as they could while carrying a profusion of bags, and they started toward the opposite end of the house. Upon passing the dining room, they heard a noise and peered in.
"Isn't that the sweetest thing you've ever seen?" Chi-chi whispered.
"Sure. At least I know Marron's safe," said 18. "But who's that red man?"
"The Supreme Kai's bodyguard, I think," said Bulma. "He and Piccolo must be the biggest pushovers. Marron's got them wrapped around her little finger." The three women giggled and walked away.
***
Less that ten minutes later, Goku, Vegeta, Krillin, and Kaioshin came in. "Looks like they all beat us back," Goku stated.
"Thank you for stating the obvious, Kakarot," Vegeta snapped, shielding a Victoria's Secret bag lest anyone see it. "Perhaps tomorrow you can tell us that your IQ is below 15."
"Chill," said Krillin.
"Oh, shut up!" the Saiyan prince snapped back.
"Calm yourself, Vegeta," said Kaioshin. "I wonder where the others are..." He glided intuitively to the dining room. "Oh...oh my..." His eyes bugged at the sight.
"What is it?" said Goku. He, Krillin, and Vegeta ran over and looked into the room, They could not believe their eyes, and for good reason. Sitting around the table and drinking from floral pink teacups were Piccolo, Marron, and Kibito. Piccolo, who seemed about to kill someone, was wearing a shawl and a big purple hat (dripping with flowers, nonetheless) over his cape and turban. Kibito, who seemed about to kill several people, had a shimmering tiara clipped in his hair and a long strand of pearls around his neck. Marron chattered to both of them, but neither listened. They did, however, hear the noise caused by Goku and company just outside the dining room. They turned to the doorway, gave the most irate death glares possible, and said five simple words:
"YOU. OWE. US. BIG. TIME."
~FIN~
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Meressefers: Ah, a new fic. I'm so very proud of myself.
Kibito: You made me wear a tiara.
Meressefers: Um, I wouldn't be complaining if I were you. At least I didn't put you in a dog costume this time.
Kibito: T_T I don't think you understand...you made me wear a TIARA.
Piccolo: Oh, stop your bellyaching! I had to wear a hat with flowers on it AND walk like a crab. Do you know how humiliating that is?!?
Kibito: I don't plan on finding that out any time soon. *he and Piccolo sulk*
Meressefers: If you two are going to be ingrates, I can write another story about you two. Maybe with Dabura. After all, he's changed. *evil smirk*
Piccolo: You wouldn't!!!
Dabura: *appears* Hey, Piccolo, Kibito! I want to be your friend! Give me a hug!
Piccolo & Kibito: AAAAAHHHH!!!! *run off; Dabura runs after them with open arms*
Meressefers: *sighs* There goes my story. Oh well. Happy fanficcing to everyone else, though.