Blank.
Don't go far off, not even for a day,
because…
because
I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.
.
He didn't know when he stopped to feel the bond.
He only remembered being angry, almost like the first time when he met Tony; however, now without the interference of Loki's scepter (the mind's gem); he also felt betrayed.
Steve could not understand how his soulmate could agree with those Accords, how he can give up his freedom when not a long time ago Tony called the Congress assclowns for trying to obtain his suit. In that moment he thought nastily that Stark could only 'compromise' when his tech was not in the line, Steve regretted the thought almost immediately; he had already misjudged his other half once and he paid it nearly losing him, even if they were at odds, he didn't want to loose him.
Then Peggy died and the Government wanted to kill his best friend, the man that Steve was in debt with. He couldn't leave Bucky alone, he had to help him and Steve hoped that Tony understood that; he already has failed his friend once, he could not repeat that, Steve wouldn't loose his best friend again.
He forgot that Peggy was Tony's family too and took Sharon's words to the heart. Maybe that was the first mistake or the second… perhaps he would never know.
.
Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
.
He wanted to be next to his lover again, fighting side by side, he would have liked to take that olive branch, but Tony's methods were still wrong and Steve forgot to trust him. If he did that to Wanda, what would he do to Bucky?
So when the time to call Tony came, he accepted Sam's reasons not to call him. He also forgot what he preached on the Ultron's debacle.
"Does anybody remember when I put a missile through a portal, in New York City? We were standing right under it. We're the Avengers, we can bust weapons dealers the whole doo-da-day, but how do we cope with something like that?"
"Together"
"We'll lose"
"We do that together too"
Then he went an called the rest of the Avengers to fight with their friends (with other Avengers), because they had to save the world, to stop those five Winter Soldiers… to clean Bucky's name.
They were his friends too (even if he didn't know two of them, gosh, where the heck did Tony find that kid?) he didn't want to fight.
Rhodes fell and he only knew that after rescuing his friends, in the flight to return to Wakanda from the RAFT.
.
"Sometimes my teammates don't tell me things. Kind of hoping Thor would be the exception"
.
That damned video.
"Did you know?"
Tony's eyes filled with hurt and the bond unusually quiet.
"I didn't know it was him..." He didn't wanted it to be true, to accept that his best friend killed his lover's parents.
"Don't shit me, Rogers! Did you know?"
"Yes"
And Steve knew that there was not turning back, Tony's eyes (those beautiful brown eyes that always said what his lover thought) told him that.
They fought, Bucky was innocent and he couldn't let Tony kill him, if that meant that he had to fight his soulmate, he would do it.
He pleaded, he tried that Tony saw reason.
"He's my friend"
"So was I"
No, Tony was so much more…but Steve lost it when he saw the unibeam tore Bucky's arm; then his hits were less controlled and with much more power behind each of them, he didn't stopped until Tony was on the floor and he could see his face. Steve saw the terror reflected on Tony's eyes and he didn't stopped it until the last moment when his shield almost went to his lover's throat. He hit the reactor instead, but as he also Tony could see the original trajectory…it was when Tony's eyes turned blank and almost immediately full of hate.
He left his shield, because he almost killed his other half… the love of his life with it, he didn't deserve it.
.
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.
.
He sent Tony the letter and the flip phone hopping that it would be the first step to mend their relationship.
Steve touches his right wrist where Tony's name is tattooed into his soul, he has always liked to trace it with his fingers (something that he discovered share with his soulmate) the movement and the familiar pattern of Tony's penmanship kept Steve calm and helped him to concentrate.
He just…Steve needs to believe that they will solve it, that this is not the end of their relationship, they were are the halves of one soul something like the Accords can't be more powerful than their love (the will of people with hidden Agendas).
So he keeps the phone with him all the time since he sent the package, Steve won't forgive himself if Tony calls and he doesn't answer.
.
Now his nightmares included Tony dying by his hand. He could see himself lowering his shield with all his force to an unprotected throat, the sickening sound of bones breaking and the vibranium hitting the floor; he watched the blood flowing and Tony's lifeless eyes judging him.
He now wakes up from those dreams panting, bathed in sweat, tears running through his cheeks and heartbroken. He deserves it, though he only hopes that Tony doesn't have the same nightmares.
Steve won't forgive himself if he is the cause of one of his lover's night terrors.
.
Bucky decides to return to the ice cryogenic chamber. For a moment he wonders if it was worth it.
.
Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,
.
He is talking with his team when he feels it, for a moment he has the absurd wish that what he felt was from his too quiet bond-soul; but it is the flip phone. The package was due to arrive that day, so he is surprised that Tony contacts him so soon (Steve knows Tony and he has already acknowledged how resentful the brunet can be). It s a text, it isn't the call he was hopping…but it's something.
Steve excuses himself from the meeting and leaves the room wanting for privacy. His mind makes wonderings about the content of the text while he is walking towards his room.
Maybe they are coordinates to a point of reunion, someplace where they can see each other without the fear of the U.N breathing down their necks, or perhaps he finally realized how wrong the Accords are. A tiny part of him hopes that it is because Tony recognized that Bucky is a victim too and that his stubborn lover forgives him.
It could be that they can finally talk. He closes the door and doesn't waste a moment to check the message.
It's an image (a low quality image that Steve is so sure had Tony cringing with utter disgust, it was obviously taken with the same device that he has sent) and for a moment he doesn't understand what he is seeing. It's the inside Tony's left wrist, he knows that because he has spent a considerate amount of time memorizing his lover's body specially where his name resides; said wrist has a little mole under the beginning of his thumb, he loves that mole.
However, there is something so horribly wrong with this image, because if it's Tony's left wrist, where is his name? The image shows a wrist free of a soulmate mark.
"No, no, no" he whispers with increasing anxiety dropping the phone to touch his own wrist with misery.
He closes his eyes fearing to opening them and finds that Tony's name isn't there anymore.
Anthony Edward Stark, all in capital letters with his other half penmanship…the same mark that appeared in his eight's birthday.
It is still there and Steve breaths a little better; there isn't discolorations or signs of decaying. He picks up the flip phone again and dials the only number it has programmed.
"The number you are trying to call is unreachable…"
He ends the call and dials again…and again all the times with the same results. He doesn't know how many calls he has done but the battery of the flip phone discharged before he can make another. He feels the dry tears making his skin uncomfortable and a headache that for a moment surprises Steve, he hasn't have one in a lot of time. But it doesn't matter, nothing matter anymore.
He is alone; Steve has lost the only thing that gives sense to his life.
In this absurd war he lost the love of his life.
.
He made his choice and believed that whatever price was good if he could save his best friend…
It wasn't worth it. Nothing was worth loosing Tony.
.
because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
.
.
.
.
"I believe that you have misunderstood it, Steven". He said pointing Tony's name in his right wrist. "This is the proof of Anthony's love, that your name was the one that disappeared was the consequence of your choices; it was not for the lack of love that a bond ceases to exist…"
"He still loves me?"
"I don't doubt that he still feels a great affection for you, but it was not what it had been"
"What makes a bond to…" he couldn't finish his question, he didn't really want to now the answer.
The God of Thunder smiled sadly, "It was not the lack of love, but neither it was another thing. It's fate, is something too old to be understood even from Gods. It was each decision, a fix point that could change the fate of a person in an irreversible way. But a soulmate has been chosen to fulfill the needs of the other person and that goes both ways, so for example when a person dies their mate lost their mark…because they aren't there to fit their role. So that someone lost their soulmate mark with his mate alive is strange, that only one of them did it is stranger"
"So it does mean that I lost him forever" Steve said with a defeated tone.
Thor didn't replied.
.
Maybe he wasn't worthy of being Tony's soulmate and the moment that the genius realized that…it was when Steve's disappeared.
.
"Was it worth?"
"No, it wasn't"
.
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?
Don't Go Far Off by Pablo Neruda
A/N: Omg, it took me a year to post this and well... I'm still nervous and uncertain about the path of this series, I meant...I'm still bitter, however, I'm kind of hopeful maybe Spider-man Homecoming could bring light at this.
Anyway...I hope that you enjoyed this and please no hate comments, I know that everybody has a different opinion and I respect that , but it brings out an author, you know?...It made more difficult to write (at least for me). I appreciate a honest criticism to make my work better.