I'm Fine
Chapter 1 - Oblivious Maureen
Disclaimer: RENT belongs to Jonathan Larson, I just borrow it every now and then.
A/N: When the idea for this story came to mind, I really wanted to show eating disorders in a true, faithful light, without whitewashing it or candy-coating it in any way. I have always loved Joanne, and I hate that there aren't all that many stories about her. I know that this is a touchy, hard to deal with subject, but I just felt the need to attempt this, and portray a disorder that ruins the lives of thousands of women all the time. If you have any feedback, I would definitely appreciate it. Thanks, and I hope you like the story.
Dedicated to my own oblivious Maureen.
Joanne knew all the long that she shouldn't be doing this. She knew that at any given moment, Maureen would come home, and Maureen couldn't know about this. She knew that she was too much of a fighter to accept this as the way life is. She knew that she was strong enough to fight this unceasing urge.
She looked in the mirror and knew that she had gained at least four pounds in the past few weeks. She stared down at the glistening spoon in her hand - over the years, she had come to discover that a spoon handle was the most efficient tool for this task. She was shuddering...it had been nearly a month since last time, and she had thought that just maybe she could stop...
She knelt, shaking, by the toilet and began her morbid work. She stared into the white bowl, at the disgusting mixture floating at the top of the water, hating herself and the terrible concoction of chunks of food and discolored liquids. She sat reflectively, even when her stomach was absolutely empty, still before the toilet. She had always thought beforehand that, when a person forces themselves to vomit, it would be easier than this, that it would take one nice, solid gagging and the whole meal would present itself lovingly to be flushed away. That was not at all the case. Little by little, it made itself back out of the body, purged by the same way it entered. Even for a master at this horrible art form, it took a solid half an hour to forty-five minutes and a sore throat from the constant jabbing to completely rid themselves of a small meal. It was far from the romanticized event she had always imagined it would be...yet still, it provided an undeniable peace and much-needed relief.
Joanne was brushing her teeth thirty-five minutes later when Maureen's voice echoed through the house. "You home, Pookie?" she called from the bedroom, attached to the bathroom.
She spit the toothpaste into the sink, the remnants of the bitter taste expelled. She slapped on an artificial smile as she entered the bedroom and hastened to embrace her girlfriend. "Hey honey," she said affectionately. "How was your audition?"
"It went beautifully!" Maureen answered, ever the drama queen, her big brown eyes gleaming from excitement. "The high G in the song was the tiniest bit shaky, but everything else went perfectly as planned. The panel was just amazed."
"Of course they were," she replied, smiling at her girlfriend's enthusiasm. Maureen pulled her in for a deep kiss, obviously in a good mood, but Joanne's body immediately tensed. What if Maureen tasted the vile, bitter flavor that she could still almost taste? Maureen would find out, and overreact, as usual, and...
"Something wrong, baby?" Maureen asked, pulling away from her uptight girlfriend. "For a minute, you seemed a little...I don't know...but it wasn't right."
Joanne smiled at her reassuringly. Maureen might have chosen acting as a career, but the lawyer could be undeniably more convincing in situations like these. "No, I'm fine, sweetheart – just a little tired, I had a long day at the office."
Joanne felt triumphant as Maureen seemed to buy the story without question, starting to go on about her audition. Maureen was, as usual, oblivious – and for once, it was a good thing. It wasn't that the drama queen was stupid, by any means – she was just too self absorbed to notice anything amiss. If she ever found out, she would be upset, and she would definitely care, but she would never observe it for herself. Joanne was silently thankful for Maureen's oblivion – things were better this way.