Glimpse of the Past
12th x Clara
A/N: The plot is between Last Christmas and The Magician's Apprentice. This is my first Twelve/Clara fic, so I tried to make them justice. Guess I've never shipped a couple in DW the way I ship those two right now lmao. Hope you enjoy!
One hour, fifteen minutes and thirty-five seconds. Thirty-six. Thirty-seven. She sighed trying to ignore the pulsation that clock the time she has been alone looking at nothing. Besides her pulsation, the room wasn't in complete silence because of the hum of the TARDIS – which was her only company.
Clara knew she should have been more careful and she wasn't supposed to be there. She knew it, but even that she ignored those thoughts and entered in a dangerous territory.
Pain. It was this she has caused and she'd give anything to come back one hour and never entered that room. How ironic to be in a time machine and don't even have this power, because this belongs to him – just the Doctor could do it. In other circumstances, he'd warn her about the time travel rules, about not interfere, etc., etc. Not this time. He was probably hurt enough to not even say a word to her.
Clara cheating on him. The betrayal of a friend was a thing she wouldn't accept easily if it was her at the Doctor's place. She couldn't be a hypocrite and feel angry with him for his negative reaction when he found her there. No. Nothing in that room it was her business because there were a lot of painful memories, lost and tears. It was a remembrance of Doctor's life that only he could deal; it was lost lives of those who today, for him, are only stories. Past.
It hasn't been few situations that he had mentioned, sometimes without notice, people before her who traveled with him. The Doctor always has made clear, despite not saying directly, how much those people from the past were important to his life.
Once he mentioned a woman called Donna that he wanted to know if she was fine. In another occasion when they were in Earth on the future, he mentioned someone called Susan with a sad nostalgic voice. When this happened, Clara always bit her tongue wanting to make questions about those people, but the look the Doctor had every time he talked about them has stopped her.
He had never explained or came back at the subject again and Clara hasn't had the courage to bring it on. She felt very coward, but what could she do? The pain at the Doctor's eyes gave her a lump on the throat.
Back in that afternoon, Clara thought about this subject again. She was walking at the infinity TARDIS corridors and didn't see where she was going when she stopped in front of a metal door. It was opened. Frowning, she entered and regretted minutes after.
The room was a synchronized mess of many photographs nailed to a wall, a couch with folded clothes at its one side and many personal objects on a big wood table. There were things heaped at the carpet that she didn't have dare to touch. The place reminded the basement of the house she worked as a nanny for a couple. The kids kept their toys there, which there were many kinds of stuff heaped.
She approached the photo wall with many unknown faces. Would be those people that many times the Doctor has felt sorry for not have them close anymore? Something inside her said yes.
At the back of the couch, there was a coat bad folded. She took it and sat down contemplating the photos, which were observing her back as if they were asking what she wanted.
"What are you doing here?"
She jumped tossing the coat to the floor. The Doctor was standing at the door with a face between anger and… Disappointment? It was this at his unfocused eyes and grumpy eyebrows were saying?
"Doctor, I..."
"How many times I've said to not snoop?" he cut her bluntly. .
"But I wasn't!"
"You know perfectly well that I hate when you mess something that is not for your concern, Clara. I told you that many times".
He entered the room looking around with twitching lips. He gazed long minutes at the coat on Clara's feet. She didn't know what was his level of anger and it scared her more than anything – she has been always understanding what were the emotions on his heart… Though, not this time. She breathed out trying to expel the air of her lungs.
"Doctor… It was an accident; I came here without knowing where I was going…"
He frowned more and this tiny gesture made him scarier. His answer came almost like a threatening whisper.
"So it gives you the right to enter and mess up with my stuff…?"
"NO! That was not what I meant! " Her voice rose an octave in panic. "It was an accident, just it. It wasn't because I wanted it!"
The Doctor swallowed hard staring at the room as if he was looking at a grave. He didn't say a word to her for a while, contemplating the place darkly.
Long minutes passed until he says, measuring the words:
"You can be cross with me and demanding me to bring back your boyfriend from death, but I can't be angry with you when you go through my things, which aren't your business, without my authorization?"
Anger and sad tears filled her eyes. There wasn't rage on his voice anymore, just pain and she hated herself for that. She was angry not because of the comparison he did that sounded almost unfair, but because he didn't want to understand her.
"I didn't want to..." she murmured and stopped, lowering her head. When she lifted it again, he was gone.
One hour, thirty-eight minutes and ten seconds. Eleven. Twelve. She remained in the couch with the coat at her legs and left the tears flowed down on her face.
How on earth she could mess up things with the Doctor like that? She might have a special talent. The mention about what she did with him right after Danny's death hurt her as if he had pushed her in the nose – months had passed, but she has still been feeling ashamed about her behavior. Again, she made a mistake but it wasn't because she wanted it! Why was this so difficult to understand? She'd have never entered that room knowing it would hurt the Doctor.
She gazed the photo wall and she could swear that the happy faces were laughing at her. Would have they been in the same situation? Would have the Doctor gotten angry with them in the moment they found out this room? On the other hand, was it just an exclusive feeling for her and from this Doctor?
Clara's head started hurting. She took off her shoes and got more comfortable in the couch. She didn't know how to explain why she stayed there like a fool, but she did and left her tiredness won her body and the tears dried until it turns off her thoughts.
The first lapse of consciousness came in the form of a soft hand caressing the locks in the top of her head. Clara sighed not wanting to open her eyes knowing who was there. She left the heat crossing her body like a sweet watercourse. That was heaven because it was a rare physic contact between them. There had been an improvement about it in the last months, but it was never him who touched first. It was a pleasure the thought that he made the first move, which created an unreal expectation on Clara at the circumstances.
He soon noticed she was awake.
"Clara?", he murmured shyly.
Reluctant, she opened her eyes slowly looking at him. The Doctor seemed to hesitate if he should be there or not, sitting down at the couch with a soft feature, though without leaving the sadness on his eyes – those a little puffed and red.
Clara swallowed hard. She hasn't known if she'd prefer an angry Doctor or a sad one because both were a painful view to her.
She turned to be in front of him, the Time Lord's hand still caressing her head, which she made sure to not comment about – she didn't want him to stop.
"I'm sorry. I was an idiot. Again".
Clara's eyes widened in shock. There hasn't been normal to him make an apology, mainly in a direct way. He has been bad with manners and how to deal with emotions and express them to others – it wasn't for nothing she made to him cards with key phrases to many situations. With time, she understood that he was rude sometimes not because he wanted, but just because he didn't know how to be more delicate. This subject brought many discussions and laughs to her, passed the initial stage to get annoyed with him.
How things have changed in such a few months... Smiling shyly, she let the words got out of her mouth quickly as always when she's nervous.
"It's ok. I owe you an apology because I shouldn't have entered here. I knew what this place was soon when I arrived"–she blushed with the confession–" it wasn't an accident at all. I was thinking about it while I was searching for my bedroom…"- she sighed in sadness – "Maybe the TARDIS just gave me what I wanted".
She lowered her eyes blushing furiously feeling the shameful lie. What feared her the most was the possibility that her friendly relationship with the Doctor could have gone downhill because of her stupid action. Clara wouldn't handle lost his trust after everything they went through to arrive in the relationship stage they were.
Back in her mind, she knew she had others deep reasons, some she didn't have the courage to admit to herself because it always left her without air.
She felt the Doctor's eyes resting on her face. His caressing on her head had stopped. Clara sensed her heart dropping in the chest because of the lost contact.
"I guess I got angry with the wrong person then".
She noticed the teasing on his voice before he sighed and took the hand of his companion without break the contact with her eyes. His voice came almost as a murmur.
"Do you know what's this place is already, right dear?"
Clara nodded in agreement. She didn't need to think much to arrive in a conclusion about that room and why it affected the Doctor so badly. By his heavy voice and puffy eyes, she got shocked again when she noticed he had cried before talk to her.
"I haven't come here for years... Actually, the truth is I've been avoiding this place the most I can. It doesn't worth it, believe in me. It doesn't change the facts… It doesn't bring comfort for the pain".
He stopped and ran his big blue eyes through the walls, turned his profile to her still holding her hand.
"Nothing gets lost in the TARDIS, Clara – he continued whispering – "She doesn't throw away anything important. If she thinks it has a value, she keeps it. It can be useful one day, you never know".
The last sentence came with a pale smile when he turned around to her again, making Clara smiling back weakly. She knew the TARDIS was his clever girl anyway.
"People who I met... Left things" – the Doctor began again – "Sometimes they just forgot those stuff or left eventually to get it back when they could..." – he breathed deeply – "However, they never had this opportunity. So it's here".
Clara squeezed his hand to comfort him, getting closer. The Time Lord was running away from the eyes of his companion. With a courage until that point she hasn't known she had, Clara took his left cheek with her free hand making him look at her, her voice filled with tenderness.
"It's all right, I understand. I know how much this place means to you and again, I'm so sorry. I didn't want to bring you pain asking about them" – she pointed out the photo wall.
The Doctor took her hand that was on his face kissing it delicately with a smile, causing shocks to Clara's entire body.
"Dear Clara, always curious", he murmured looking at their joined hands. She didn't pay attention that the coat still was at her legs so distracted she was because of his touch. However, it didn't pass unnoticed by him.
"Donna".
"I'm sorry? "
"This coat. Donna. I remember her wearing it many times".
Clara glanced the fabric, thinking how many adventures and dangerous Donna and the Doctor lived together while she was wearing that coat. She wasn't sure if she should ask about Donna's destiny after met him, but she couldn't help herself saying softly:
"What happened to Donna?"
The Doctor held her hand more firmly with a distant sad look.
"She's fine, safe and happy. But I can't see her anymore".
Clara frowned and he had a look as if he could see through her soul. He completed:
"She doesn't have any kind of remembrance about me and she can't remember about our time together. I erased her memories to save her... It was the only way I could".
Clara nodded with a lump in her throat. Clearly talking about Donna was a difficult subject to the Doctor. She didn't want to guess about the stories of the other people at the photographs and how much not intentional pain they could have brought to him.
"I guess a Time Lord who I know needs a hug".
She didn't give time to him to reply, cutting the distance between them. The Doctor buried his head at the curve of her neck when he lowered his body to her, his breath making tickles at Clara's skin. Her fingers ran through his silver curly locks. She hoped he wasn't paying attention at her heartbeat, which was galloping at her chest – sometimes she wondered if the Doctor has been aware how much he affected her every time he made physic he touches her.
Without breaking the contact with her skin, she heard he saying to her neck with a muffled voice:
"I don't need to forgive you for anything. You did nothing wrong, I was being a dramatic fool".
Clara chuckled and held him tightly to herself as if she wanted to protect him from anything that could cause him pain – which was exactly what she wanted. Thinking that one day the Doctor could enter that room, find something that belonged to her and it causes him suffering, it was a stab with a dagger at her chest – she wasn't disposed to let this happen.
"You won't get rid of me so easily, you know? I just hope you don't need to erase my memory, though".
Clara made an effort to make it sounds like a joke as she always has done to relieve the heaviness of the conversation. She felt the Doctor smiling and tight the hug though there was a darkness on his voice not only because of her neck pressuring his mouth.
"I really hope so, my dear Clara".