She touched her cheek gently, remembering the small morning hours with a shudder. How could he have done this to her? She could only quake at the thought of if her children had being awake for it. How was she going to explain to them that their own father had attacked her out of a drunken stupor? How would they look at him after? With anger or hate, would they fear him? She shook her head trying to think of anything else. Oh, bad idea. Her head spun at being shook, nearly causing her to lose her balance and topple to the floor. Her hand reached for the counter just as an arm wrapped itself around her waist, protectively.
"Hey, baby, watch out. What's wrong?" Quickly realizing who it was she quickly turned her head away from him. She didn't want him to see the damage he had done to her just yet. Holding her in his arms the way he did now, she felt the same old safety returning to her just as she always felt when she was with him; only now it was tainted, she felt her heart battle her mind between accepting it and keeping herself taught in case he wasn't quite back yet. She could still smell it on him. The whiskey stuck to his skin more so than his breath now. Her silenced unnerved him a little bit. Concerned filled his voice asking, "Are you alright?"
She mumbled out a quick, "yes," before easily getting back to her feet, letting him help her but careful to avoid eye contact. Once up, she used the counter to stabilize herself before she continued with the abandoned dishes. She could feel his eyes on her. Worry wracked his face and he did not let her go right away. Feeling him so close encouraged yet startled her. She knew he was sober now but her mind kept returning to that morning. Suddenly she wondered if he even remembered what had happened. Cautiously she decided to probe the thought. "You got in late. Where'd you go?" Her subject change caused him to loosen his grip slightly, but she refused to look at him. She kept her eyes on the plate at hand.
"Oh, yeah, some of the guys and I went out for a couple drinks down at Lou's. I must have fallen asleep or something when they dropped me off because I don't remember anything from last night." He laughed boldly trying to lighten the tension he felt around her. Shifting, he hugged her around her back. He felt her flinch slightly under his touch. What had made her do that? He wanted to protect her from whatever it was she was worried about. What had suddenly made her so afraid? Instinctively, he pulled her closer to him when suddenly she gasped and arched her shoulders to get away. Quickly he loosened his grip and she slipped away to her right. Putting a hand over hers he tried to make her face him. Something was wrong and he knew it. What wouldn't she tell him? "Babe, what's wrong? Did I hurt you just now?" Her hand trembled in his and tried to pull away. She still would not look at him. He held her forearm trying to turn her, but that only made her gasp again, this time emitting a small cry as her hand flew to his to get her off of her arm. She didn't want to face it. He had grabbed the same spot he did last night when he pushed her into the bathroom door. The bruise on her back now was purple and splotchy from the impact. He let go of her arm now and realized there was purple and black spots just beneath her sleeve. Pulling it up he saw that it went up nearly to her shoulder and wrapped entirely around in a ring. He started to notice the others too. Her hand he held had small cuts and red marks on her knuckles. Her wrists were swollen slightly but not as bad as her arm. How did I miss all of these? He held her loosely now, scared to touch her for fear of hurting her further. "Who did this to you? Did someone come when I was out?"
Desperately she tried to hide her battered flesh from his sight. She didn't want to confront it now. "No, it's nothing. I'm ok, please just let me go." She still was not looking at him.
"Babe, will you please look at me?" He could hear his voice was raising but his concern for her outweighed his need to be silent. Shaking, she pulled away, only he held on tight.
"I'm alright, please, don't…" She winced, everything he touched hurt from this morning.
"You are not alright. Who did this to you?" Twisting, she pulled out of his, gritting her teeth to keep from crying out. She didn't want the kids to wake. Quickly, she ran for the bathroom where she had taken up refuge earlier. Locking it behind her, she heard his footsteps coming for her again. Why was she hiding now? Why couldn't she tell him or just show him? Because you don't want him to feel like a monster. You'd rather be hurt than see him hurt. But, you can't hide forever. He gently knocked on the door, trying desperately to get to her; to help her; pleading with her to let him in. He has to see you. He has to see you like this. Get up and go to him. Her mind fought to get control of her muscles, forcing herself out of the corner. Slowly, her feet padded the floor towards the door; towards the man who loved her, yet somehow did this to her. Hiding her face behind her hair, she quietly unlocked the door and let it creak open on its own. To her surprise he was still standing there. She could see his feet, but she couldn't bring herself to look into his face. She could feel his helpless, angry stare. He wasn't angry at her, but at her attacker. How was he going to take it? Taking a deep breath, she opened her mouth to speak, but he beat her to it. "Will you please," his voice was gentle, as if he was soothing a child, "tell me what happened to you?" She had to tell him. How could she not? It would kill him to know after he swore that he would be the last person who would ever hurt her, yet here she was, living proof that he was wrong. Should she even? She could go back and hide in the bathroom until the bruises went down. Maybe he'd forget. Don't be stupid. He's not going to forget hearing you cry when he hugged you, or running from him instead of to him. Just tell him. Slowly, she lifted her chin to meet her eyes with his; her hair falling away as she did so. As soon as his eyes met her face, the anger turned to utter despair. His hand reached out to touch the scarred and whelping skin surrounding her beautiful, hazel eyes. The dried blood from her brow had stretched all the way down to her jaw line. The cut etched its path deep into the muscle on her cheek, making it difficult for her to move it too much. But for his sake, she tried to put on a smile, to make it seem not that bad. She could only manage half a smile. Nerves must be damaged. His eyes looked so pained at her sight. Who would do this to his wife? Who dared do such a thing? Slowly, the despair was replaced by a new hatred for the man that did this to her. Through gritted teeth, he hissed vehemently, "Who did this to you?" Suddenly, she looked sad. Now was the time. Looking down she asked him, simply:
"You sure you want to know?" What kind of question is that?
"Of course, I want to know." He practically yelled it at her, causing her to jump. Why did she keep jumping at him?
Nodding, she forced herself not to cry now. But it was no use; the tears came unrelenting down her face. Instinctively, he grabbed her and held her close to him. For long minutes she cried into his shoulder. You did this to me. You did. Her mind screamed it but her mouth couldn't say it. Gently he led her to the bed, setting her on the edge before kneeling in front of her. She looked into his pleading eyes as the tears subsided enough for her to get her words out. "You…" She choked back a sob, noticing a flicker of panic behind his eyes. "You did this to me, babe. You did all of this." Panic swelled in his chest. Him? How could he have done this to her? He loved her, he wouldn't ever do this? Shaking his head, he could do nothing but reject her words.
"No, I couldn't do this." But the look in her eyes told him otherwise. His heart rate soared as he asked her what he knew he had to. "How?" He felt her shudder in his hands, remembering what happened. Slowly, with a week voice, she began.
"You're friends dropped you off around three. They looked a little worse for wear but they seemed alright enough to get home by themselves. I had offered them the couch and spare room for the night but they just stumbled off after saying you were completely wasted. I figured a good sleep would do you some good so I tried to get you here. You put up a fuss but no more than when you are just sleeping heavily, naturally. So I didn't think anything of anything. When I wouldn't kiss you because you had been drinking, like I always do, you grabbed my wrist. You glared at me, asking me why I wouldn't kiss you. You were squeezing me so tight, but I told you it was because you had been drinking. That you knew the rules; my rules. Pushing me away, you grumbled something about rules and began changing. You fumbled a bit, but when I tried to help you grabbed my wrists again, I thought you were going to break them. I told you to let go, that you were hurting me, but you just snorted and told me to kiss you. I was stubborn; I should have just kissed you." She stopped, sobbing once again into his shoulder. He rocked them both, not wanting her to continue, but knowing she had to. He deserved to know what he had put her through. Sobbing, she quietly continued, her voice pitiful and low. "I told you no. I didn't see the look in your eyes. You were warning me to listen. I didn't see. I tried to pull away but you held tighter. You… you made me kiss you. You pulled me onto your lap. I thought you were going to… to… oh God." She shuddered violently, at the memory, and he knew what she thought. He couldn't think of ever doing any of this to her; not in his right mind. But, you weren't in your right mind. Were you, you idiot! She was talking again. "I pulled my hand free when you went to rip my shirt and I was so scared I punched you. You loosened enough for me to run for the bathroom but you grabbed me before I could lock the door. You slammed me into it so hard; I thought it had broken the hinges. I tried to push you off but you tried to kiss me again. I pushed you away but you still had my arm and that's when you…" Her voice trailed off. He trembled and she could feel it. He didn't want to hear anymore, but she couldn't stop now. He had to live through it with her. "You dragged me to the sink and stood behind me in front of the mirror laughing, saying how we made such a great couple. You licked my neck, grabbing at my pants. I thought about just going with it. Just giving in couldn't be that bad. But then I smelled the alcohol, and I knew if I let you win like that, I would have lost much more than what you were trying to take. I elbowed you in the ribs as hard as I could. But that only made you angrier and you grabbed me by my hair and slammed my face into the mirror. I pretended to be out, hoping you'd leave me alone. You didn't; you picked me up and slapped me awake. I snapped; you know how I am about my face; and I punched you again, harder. You staggered back and landed on the bed. I fell on top of you. But you were out cold. So I ran back into the bathroom and locked the door. I cleaned up the glass as best I could, then I cleaned myself up." She shook, having cried herself out now. "I was so scared. I had never seen such… evil in your eyes before." She pulled away to see his face pale and wet. He was shaking just as much as she was.
"How could I have done this? How could I?" She sat silently staring at him. She knew exactly how he could have done this, and exactly how he could have prevented it. She wanted to say it, to spit it in his face. He had terrorized her, made her fear for her life. She wanted for a moment to hurt him, like he hurt her. He sat back from her. He could feel the rage she bared towards him now. He didn't blame her. He deserved it, he didn't deserve her. For a moment, she had nearly convinced herself that she hated him. That she would always hate him from now on. But then he did something that shocked her into retreat from this feeling. He knelt on the floor, hiding his face in her lap, crying nearly harder than her a second earlier. He cried without restraint, only her body was muffling his cries from the children's ears. His hands rested easily on her waist, they didn't hold or grab; they were just there. He wept, "Please, forgive me! I'm so sorry. I promised to protect you and I ended up being a monster." He looked up from his position. "I'm so sorry. If you want, I'll leave so that you will be safe. At least until I get this drinking problem conquered. Unless you want me gone forever. Then, I'll go, but please, know that I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you. Please, forgive me?" She was angry at him, that would not change, but if they were going to continue to be, she had to forgive. Summoning her courage, she cradled his face into her hands.
"I will forgive you for this," hope flashed across his face. "But that does not mean I am not still afraid and angry with you. I have seen a side of you that is frightening and if you want me to stay you will make sure that I never see that person again. You must stop drinking, anything alcohol, it doesn't matter. If you have been drinking then I will assume you did not take this ordeal seriously and I will take the kids, pack up and go. I don't care if you aren't even slightly wobbly from the drink. I will not leave them to the possibility of facing that same man I saw at three o'clock this morning. God knows what would happen. (sighing) No, no you are not a monster. This man at my feet now is no monster, what you were this morning was a monster, however. I never want to see him again. Because, next time if I can fight him off again, you will be waking up to an empty house." He nodded furiously. He was going to do everything he had to in order to keep that monster dead. That monster would never hurt the woman he loved ever again. Never.