Yay for another songfic. I really do love them. My other Harry Potter fic will get updated soon, but I got an inspiration to write this and it won't go away so … It took me a while to decide which pairing I was going to do, but I eventually decided on SiriusxJames, because although I generally don't like the pairing I didn't really want to do another SiriusxRemus or a LilyxJames.
Okay, this is set on James and Lily's wedding day, and Sirius is feeling just a little bit sorry for himself. I think you can probably see where this is going, so on with the fic! This is set from Sirius' point of view.
By the way, Sirius is a bit ooc in this. It had to be done to make this work.
Song: I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You
Artist: Colin Hay
Disclaimer: I don't own the song or any of the characters.
I drink
good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
Do you have any idea how hard it was to wake up today? If you do know, then I feel sorry for you. I really do. If you don't, then count yourself very lucky, because you've escaped one of the most painful experiences I've ever had to go through.
I'm sitting here, coffee warming up my hands, though it is slowly beginning to cool. I'm not really paying any attention, instead staring at the slightly battered table that I'm leaning on, the varnish having come off years ago. I know that it used to belong to my uncle but … Well, I don't really care. Nothing matters anymore. A broomstick on a rampage could spear me down and I wouldn't care.
Because today's the day I'm going to lose him forever.
And
when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less
to say
It's his wedding day. The day that's supposed to be the happiest day of his life, and I'm supposed to be there by his side, supporting him and having fun too. Apart from I can't. I can't have fun today, because my heart is breaking and I hate him. I hate him because he doesn't know how much he's hurting me. He doesn't know that I'm dying inside, and even if he did, I doubt he'd care. He's getting married. Why care about your best friend? You've got a fiancée soon to be wife to care for now.
I remember the times when we used to go down to the dining hall together, chatting happily about completely random things, as teenagers do. We'd talk about whether we thought Peter would get blown up in Transfiguration today, or whether we could trick Filch into thinking that Mrs. Norris had been the one to stink out the 3rd floor corridor with dungbombs. Even better, could we convince him it was Snape?
I never thought much of it then, but you'd be surprised how much you miss the small things.
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
I knew, even back then, that you lusted after Lily ever single day. I ignored it, thinking that it would go away. I tried to convince myself that I could make you love me instead of her, though I was kidding myself. Even when we skived off lessons to go to the dorms, and even when you were kissing me, and even when you were saying you loved me I knew that you were wishing I was Lily.
And then you were gone, in the blink of an eye. She had stolen you away, and I don't even remember you telling me. I know you did. You'd been telling me for the past two years but … One minute you were there, and the next you were gone. What was I supposed to do?
Still, I didn't let you know how much you managed to hurt me.
To you, I was just as happy as when we were together.
What is
closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't
think I'll ever get over you
Do you know how long it's been since we broke up? Three years. Three years, and I still haven't stopped hoping that you'll change your mind and realize you love me instead of her. You'll realize that I'm the one you want, you'll call off the wedding, and you'll apologize for ever leaving me. I know that it's a vain hope, you don't have to tell me that but if I didn't have that … Well, I think James would have realized long ago just how broken I am.
I want to get over him so much. I want to move on, fall in love with someone else and stop thinking about him. He was my soul mate, I'm sure of it. The only problem was, I wasn't his. His was Lily, the gorgeous red-head that everybody adored and respected. Apart from me. I hated her more then I've ever hated anyone in my life. She took him away from me, and I'll never forgive her for that.
I'm no
longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of
time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my
stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
When we first broke up … Well, let's just say there were suddenly a lot more Gryffindor parties. Hell, sometimes we even let Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs join in! Once, just once, we went to the Room of Requirement and invited the Slytherins. And every single time, I would be roaring drunk within the hour. Everyone just laughed at me, but ignored it. It was a party; you were supposed to get drunk. Hell, usually I wasn't the only one. What they didn't realize was that every single night I would stay awake, downing bottles of firewhiskey.
My liver must have hated me.
I was in my seventh year before Remus found my secret stash. I was drunk at the time, not unusual, but I still remember it. He confronted me about it, got angry. Said that I was killing myself. I remember yelling back at him, but I guess he must have recognized the desperation. Eventually we got onto why I was drinking enough alcohol to knock out a hippogryph, and I eventually told him. Told him how I couldn't ever get over James.
And he told me that drinking alcohol wasn't going to help.
And I knew that however much firewhiskey I downed, however drunk I got, however much I tried to forget … I was never going to get over him. Ever.
Your
face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in
my ears
I remember all the fun we used to have. I remember how we used to pull pranks on Snape, each of us trying to outdo the other on the best prank. We were competitive as hell, each hoping to be the better prankster. I convinced myself, back then, that we were pretty much equal but I knew that I always took things too far, while James managed to keep himself in check. Telling Snape to go down to the Whomping Willow was about a mile too far, really.
When James saved Snape, and me in turn well … I think that might have been when I first started realizing that I loved him.
I hadn't really noticed it before then, but whenever James used to laugh, I used to smile just to see him laughing. When we used to have play fights, I reveled in the closeness that it brought. When we were both a little drunk, and a game of truth or dare had been started, my heart almost leapt out of my chest when it was our dare to kiss.
A dare was actually how everything started ... And a truth was how it tumbled around me.
I still
find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
When you and Lily fought, it was me you always came to for a place to sleep. You had a bag with you, and you usually looked like you had been crying but you'd never admit it. I'd let you in, and you'd end up crashing on my couch. Once … Well, once it didn't go quite as planned. You were supposed to be sleeping on the couch …
And you ended up in my bed.
You didn't leave for a couple of days after that. Not that anything happened, but you couldn't face going to see her. I couldn't stand having you here. You said it was a mistake. That it should be forgotten about. That it was caused by grief. I believed you. I believed that I was a mistake. I believed that I should be forgotten about. I believed that I caused you grief.
Days after that I was finding signs that you had been here. Just little things. Nothing really amazing, but just stuff that you had used while you were here, things that you did. You had this really annoying habit of leaving the toothpaste in the sink and … Well, after that the sink was always where it ended up being. I don't even remember doing it, but I guess … I wanted to believe you were there.
But I
don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm
here to say that I sometimes do
At the end of the seventh year at Hogwarts … I saw you and Lily everywhere. I saw you hand in hand walking down the corridor, accidentally walking in on the both of you in empty classrooms. I teased you about scarring me for life, but you didn't realize how it was slowly causing me to do something drastic. I wanted to prove to you that I could have what you did, that I could love someone like you loved Lily … and have that person love me back.
Which was why, when Remus asked me out, I said yes.
It's a little strange that out of a group of four of us, three were happy to date their own sex. To be honest, I think that everyone in the world will if they find the right person. If you find yourself liking someone in that way, or even loving them … You don't really have a choice over it. And sometimes, it will happen to be someone of the same sex and sometimes … They'll give you the answer you want.
Even
though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll
ever get over you
If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think
I'll ever get over you
Me and Remus are still together, now. In fact, he's upstairs, still asleep. We only moved in together recently. That one night that me and James had … He understood. He found out, and he pitied me for it. He said that it wasn't my fault, that it was James' for coming here in the first place. I still can't understand now how the most understanding man in the world … Could love me.
I knew that it wasn't James' fault. I knew that it was mine. I knew that unless I stopped myself … It would happen again. And again. And again. And I would end up hurting everyone. Which was part of the reason I suggested that Remus moved in with me. It couldn't happen again if he was there.
I felt bad about using Remus like that but … I was never, ever going to get over James. And although I may not have loved him like he loved me, I needed him.
So, I really hope someone reads this, and I really hope someone tells them – all of them – how sorry I am. And I hope they hate me for it.
Well, that turned out strange. Anyway, apparently it has become some kind of diary entry or perhaps a letter. But I like that ending, so it's staying. You can imagine this to be whatever you want.
Review please?