The cold, raw Detroit air is gnawing at my skin through my thin jacket. Even in late March it still feels like the dead of winter. I knew I should have worn warmer clothes, though to be honest I don't think the lack of appropriate wardrobe is why I feel so unprepared. I don't know if anything could have prepared me for this trip. Or for Christian to say "Yes" to this idea in the first place. Just knowing we're going to be parents in a few short months, I felt like he had to come here. He had to make peace with her, the best he could.
I didn't expect an extravagant headstone but for some reason I expected more than a simple marker in the ground. Maybe it's because Christian does everything on such a grand scale that I just assumed his mothers marker would be as sophisticated as he is. I try my best to forget what little I know about her. The 'Crackwhore' as he calls her. How is it possible that someone who died before I was born has had such a massive impact on my life? Every day her ghost haunts Christian; and as much as I secretly thank her for bringing him into this world, I hate her with a fury I never knew was possible for what she put him through. I've had several long conversations with Dr. Flynn about it lately. Between the two of us I think the Flynns have bought themselves a new vacation home.
I glance over at my beloved husband. More than anything, I'm hoping he doesn't regret the decision to come here. The last thing I need is for him to regress from all the progress he's made with the idea of impending fatherhood. His eyes look heavier than normal. More haunted.
After what seems like a decade of silence, he whispers "I forgive you."
Tears start to well my eyes, and Christian pulls me into him.
"If she had done a better job I wouldn't have ended up with Grace and Carrick. I can't imagine her being half the parent that they have been, even on her best day." He sounds grateful and remorseful all at once. Oh, my Fifty. My sweet, sweet Fifty.
Christian squeezes me closer and kisses my hair. "I'll give you a few minutes alone", I tell him. "To say your goodbyes."
As I turn to head back to Taylor and the Q7 I notice a man watching us from a few feet away. My first instinct is to scream. Looks like my wounds from the recent encounter with Jack Hyde were more than physical. The man looks confused, lost even. He's elderly and has a single carnation in his mittened hand. He's staring at the ground, and I wonder if maybe he's lost his way.
"Hi, sir. Are you visiting someone near here?" I gently ask, hoping not to offend him.
"Oh, yes, miss. A headstone over there. It's right near where you two were standing. I didn't want to interrupt you, looks like you kids were having a sweet moment there."
"That's ok sir, let me walk over with you. What's the name of the person you're visiting?"
"You're a dear. Her name was Ella Smith. Just to the right of where your husband is standing, I believe. Gotta be close."
My blood runs cold. How does this man know Christians mother? Was he one of her pimps? One of her Johns? A million thoughts run through my head and I don't know which scenario would be worse.
"Did you say Ella Smith?" I finally mutter.
"Yes, miss. She was my daughter. I can't really call myself her father, I didn't even know about her until after she'd passed. But I like to stop by when I'm in the area, bring a flower and make sure her plaque is cleared off."
The man finally lifts his eyes from the ground and it feels like someone has punched me in the stomach. His grey, haunted eyes stare back at me. The same eyes I wake to every morning, and go to sleep with every night. Christians eyes. This man is Christians grandfather.
"Sir, would you like to walk with me over to her marker?" I ask, wondering how I'm ever going to tell Christian.
"Oh, that's very kind of you miss. But you don't need to stay with an old man, a woman in your condition shouldn't be out here in the cold anyways. Thank you for the offer though." he says sweetly. How could such a gentle soul produce such a monster, I wonder.
"Well, just let me introduce you to my husband then. Christian!" I call, trying to hold back the tears as not to frighten this poor old man.
Christian is at my side faster than I can think of what to say to him.
"Umm, Christian. This man is here to see his daughters marker. Would you walk over with him, I'd hate to see him slip on the ice and slush. I'll see you in the car. Take your time. It was nice to meet you…"
"Robert" the old man tells me. "Robert Howard. It was a pleasure to meet you too Miss…"
"Anastasia. Anastasia Grey"
"Well, Mrs. Grey, thank you again for your kindness."
I peck Christian on the cheek and scurry back to the car as fast as my pregnant legs will take me. Taylor opens the door and I climb in and shut the door before he has a chance to. I think it startles him, and he takes a few minutes before joining me in the drivers seat.
Staring out the window, I'm transfixed on Christian. I pull out my phone so I can be sure to call Dr. Flynn if it looks like this might take an ugly turn. Between my pregnancy hormones and Christian's, well… Christian; we've taken up nearly half is available appointments the past few weeks. Surely he can take an emergency call on a Sunday if need be.
I keep watching, looking for any indication that they realize what I have realized. After what feels like an eternity, I can see the change in Christians eyes. He knows. He's meeting his grandfather, his biological grandfather. Robert grabs Christians biceps and points to a nearby bench. The pair slowly make their way towards it when Christian suddenly stops and looks back at the Q7. He says something to Robert and starts jogging towards the car. Even though I know he can't see me through the treated glass, I face forward and try to act like I haven't been watching.
Christian opens the door and kisses me on the cheek.
"Taylor", he says, his eyes still locked on me. "Bring Ana back to the hotel, she should get some rest. It's been a long day. I'm going to be here for a bit, I'll call you when I'm ready to be picked up."
"Yes sir", Taylor replies.
"Christian, are you ok? I swear, I had no idea he would be… I mean, I didn't know he even…"
"I'm fine baby, really. I just have some questions. Robert and I are going to sit and chat for a bit. I think we both have a lot to take in right now. I love you, but you and Blip have had a hell of a day. I'll see you soon." He rubs my belly as he kisses me goodbye. My eyes fill with tears, and I tell him I love him too.
Taylor pulls the car out of the cemetery and hands me a handkerchief. I swear, Gail must have him carrying a half dozen every day since we discovered I was pregnant.
"Mrs. Grey, I don't mean to pry, but is everything ok?" he asks, gently.
"I hope so Taylor. I really hope so."
We arrive back at the Townsend Hotel and I collapse onto the bed before I can get my shoes off. Of course, that was an easier task when I could see my feet. I collapse onto the bed and suddenly I'm overcome by worry for Christian.
I wrestle with my thoughts until I drift into an exhausted, pregnant sleep.
My eyes flicker and I shoot up in a panic. What time is it? I scan the room and before I see the clock, I see Christian sitting on the chair, staring out the window. He notices me and makes his way into the bed next to me.
"I got back about an hour ago, but I didn't want to wake you" he says softly, pulling me back down next to him.
"How did your, um… talk go?" I know I'm treading dangerous ground here, but I need to know. It was my idea to come here, and if it didn't go well I know deep down he's going to hate me for exposing him to more of his wretched past.
"Well, let's see. I have a grandfather." Christian chuckles to himself and I feel the tension fade from my muscles. I didn't know I'd been so tight this whole time.
" Turns out, Bob had a two week fling with the Crackwh-" he stops himself, "Ella's mother before he was sent off to Vietnam. He never got any letters from her when he was there, so he figured she'd moved on and forgot about him. He married, had three kids and settled down outside of Grand Rapids when he got back. I guess a couple years ago Ella's mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she tracked Bob down. Felt she had to tell him about the child he never knew. Selfish if you ask me, but he seemed grateful for the knowledge. He wishes he could have done more, but I guess Ella ran away when she was 16 and her mother never heard from her again."
"Did she know about you?" I ask, desperate for him to share more with me. Part of me is shocked we've gotten this far, but as Christian says, I'm always eager for more.
"She got the call from the police when Ella died because she was next of kin. That was the first she'd heard of her in 7 years. She never knew about me until the social worker asked if she was going to claim me. At least the guy from Child Services had the decency to tell her I had a pretty great family lined up for me. She said she knew deep down I'd be better off with the Grey's, so she let me go. Bob said she died 5 years ago, a few months after she'd found him." For the first time, I hear some sort of contentedness in Christians voice as he talks about his past.
We both stare at the mirror on the wall opposite the bed, my head on his chest and his hand running through my hair. It all looks so average I start to wonder who the couple staring back at us is.
"So are you mad we came? Would you have been happier without knowing any of this?", the guilt pouring out of me with each word.
"Anastasia, for the first time, I'm actually happy to have learned something about my past. I can't thank you enough for that." He kisses my hair and the relief is overwhelming. My tears begin to pool on his chest. but neither one of us moves.