Hi there. You seem to have stumbled across a House MD cross Harry Potter fan fic. This is a one shot, and is also completely insane. I have no idea why I did it. But the point is, I did it. So, if you like House MD (The best show ever made) and you like Harry Potter (the best books ever written), then read it!! Come on, you know you're interested…. Claimer: I own both House MD and Harry Potter, would you believe it?? Hopefully you don't, or I may get sued. However, if you do, read this:
St Mungo's Teaching Hospital of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House wasn't happy about the merge of Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital with St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. He actually was slightly confused as to how it had occurred…PPTH was in New Jersey, and St Mungo's was in London. How did that work?
However, he didn't want to ask anyone, incase they questioned his intelligence, so he kept quiet. He didn't want to damage his reputation. 'Just go with it,' House muttered under his breath, as he made his way down the hallway, to find his new patient.
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Harry, Ron and Hermione sat in the waiting room of the newly christened 'St Mungo's Teaching Hospital of Witchcraft and Wizardry'.
Harry looked puzzled. "So, tell me again Hermione, why are we actually here?"
Hermione sighed. Sometimes boys could be so…thick. "Hogwarts is filled up with Basilisk's again, and this time there's a chamber of secrets in just about every broom closet. So Hogwarts has merged with St. Mungo's, which has merged with Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital, which is a hospital in New Jersey, in the United States of America."
"Ohhhh…" Harry and Ron exclaimed in unison. When Hermione looked away, they cast expressions of confusion and panic at each other.
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Allison Cameron was sitting in the new conference room. She didn't like it that much really…there weren't enough places to hang Christmas stockings, candy canes and other sickeningly positive artifacts.
The door burst open, causing Cameron to spill her pumpkin juice. Yes, it was some new regime in the cafeteria or something. But she had to admit the solid gold goblets made a nice change.
Cameron turned around to see a tall man clad in long black robes, with pale clammy skin and dark, greasy black hair. Most unpleasant.
Severus Snape did a double take after glimpsing the beauty his dark eyes had managed to find. The gleaming brown hair, sparkling grey/green eyes…
Cameron looked at the imposing man with a quizzical expression… "Er, can I help you?" she asked tentatively.
Help me? thought Snape. Hell, no one can help my damaged soul.
Cameron perked up instantly. "Did you say damaged?"
Oh shit, thought Snape. "Sorry. I didn't realise I had said that last part out loud." How embarrassing. Where's a pensive when you need one?
But it was too late to make amends, for they were unnecessary. To the disbelief of one Severus Snape, the pretty young brunette had thrown herself towards him and was now pulling him by his robes in the direction of the nearest broom closet.
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Gregory House was still walking down the unfamiliar new hallways, trying to find Cuddy's office. He had passed a large oak door bearing a gold plaque which read "Headmistress", but it was fairly intimidating so he decided to look around a bit more first.
House turned a corner and continued limping down the hallway, trying to look nonchalantly untroubled. He saw a young trio approaching, two boys and a girl. They caught his eye because they were carrying odd sticks in their hands, and wearing the same black robes that half the hospital seemed to have decided upon as being the latest trend.
As they came closer, he saw that the dark-haired boy in the middle (or 'Angsty', as House instantly nick-named him) had a large scar across his forehead. Interesting.
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Harry stared at the odd looking man who wore scruffy Muggle clothes and who used a cane to help him walk. He glanced at Hermione, who was staring at the man thoughtfully, and gave her a quick nod.
Hermione's voice rung out in the hallway, as she pointed her wand at the man's leg: "Occulus Reparo!"
There was a flash of bright white light.
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"What the HELL?!" House shouted. "What did I ever do to you kids to deser…" his voice trailed off when he noticed the pain in his leg. Or more importantly, the fact that it was no longer there.
Still holding his cane, he jumped up and down, twice. He spun around. He ran from one side of the hallway to the other, knocking over a man who looked like he had just come out of a coma, rendering him unconscious once more.
House was flabbergasted, staring at the three teenagers. "How the hell did you do that?"
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"I guess it's magic!" said Ron. The others tried not to laugh. Muggles could be so entertaining sometimes.
The expression on the older man's face became darker. "Magic? There's no such thing. Only medicine could have cured me."
Harry didn't like this man. His dismissive demeanor reminded him of his Uncle Vernon. "Yeah, right," scorned Harry. "Medicine."
The man was staring at Harry's scar. "I'll bet medicine could cure you, kid. It's differential diagnosis time. That scar on your head is an obvious indication of damage to the frontal lobe, the glasses indicate that you are vision impaired, the haughty disposition indicates a personality disorder, possibly ADD…I hate to break it to you, but you seem to have a severe if not irreversible case of Lilystaiosis."
Harry could feel the hot anger flare up inside him almost immediately. Lilystaiosis? Who did this man think he was? Harry drew his wand out of his pocket, narrowed his eyes, and strode toward the tall yet unarmed man.
"NEVER. INSULT. MY. MOTHER. IN. FRONT. OF. ME."
Hermione had tears in her eyes. "No, Harry, it's not worth it!" Ron was trying to pull him back, but all Harry could see was the excuse of a man who stood before him. He raised his wand.
"EXPELLIARMUS!"
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House felt his cane fly out of his hand and hit the ceiling, snapping in two, while House himself was thrown backwards. He lay breathless, strewn across the floor.
"What in God's name has gotten into you? I did NOT under any circumstances insult your mother, in fact I pity her for having been cursed with an insolent brat like yourself! And then there's still the matter of the annoying accent." House picked himself up off the floor, noting the spring his new, pain-free leg added to his step.
Harry was breathing heavily, too angry to speak.
Hermione stepped forward, tears in her eyes and her voice thick with emotion. "Harry's mother is dead. Her name was Lily."
"Oh, for God's sake, Lilystaiosis is an illness! I was trying to help you! Now get the hell out of my way, or I'll finish your examination with a prostate check."
How embarrassing. Harry, not for the first time, wished a hole in the floor would open up and swallow him. Or even the giant squid. Which, come to think of it, he hadn't seen for a while, not since the hospital cafeteria had started "Squid Week". That was certainly odd.
"Um…" stuttered Harry. "Sorry… I didn't realise…"
Ron was sniggering at the whole situation, which he found highly amusing. Sometimes being 'Harry Potter's Stupid Best Friend' certainly had it's up-sides.
House sighed. He had never liked adolescents, and never would. Unless they were over 18, female, and had certain assets…"Hey listen, have you kids seen Cuddy?"
Hermione's face brightened at the mention of her favourite teacher. "You mean Professor Cuddy? She's down in the kitchens helping Madame Pomfery and Professor Wilson cure a whole lot of sick house elves. It's some sort of epidemic."
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House had located Cuddy and Wilson, and was made to endure after a tedious afternoon of diagnosing the many various ailments the house elves had been struck by. He wouldn't have stayed, but Cuddy threatened him with 2 extra months of dormitory duty if he refused.
Once the day was done, House and Wilson made their way to the ground floor, where The Great Conference Room was of course located.
They sat down on one of the long wooden benches, and were dismayed to see that the new Chairman of the Board, Dumbledore, was required to make a speech before they could eat. House and Wilson turned their heads towards the front stage, where an old man with twinkling blue eyes and a beautiful leather stethoscope in the pocket of his lab-coat was standing.
"Welcome, my friends, to another year at St Mungo's Teaching Hospital of Witchcraft and Wizardy. I would like to take this opportunity to advise you all that the 3rd floor broom closet is strictly out of bounds this year, due to…er…"
He promptly turned around and gave Professor McGonagall an extremely un-subtle wink.
"Well, that having been said, we can now indulge ourselves by partaking in the usual splendid feast. Tuck in!"
The tables of The Great Conference Room immediately filled with food covered plates of all sizes. However, at a second glance, the food was all the same.
House, after examining the plates, made an expression of deep disgust, and turned to Wilson. "We're having SQUID again?!"
THE END.
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