A/N: What happens when coffee, late night fantasies, depression, staying at home, arguing parents and fanfiction of this made me tap into some of my feeling and what not, so don't be surprised if it sounds personal. And sorry about the constant reference to Draco Malfoy, Isaac just has a thing for him and about his being liking fanfiction; it's just another thing.
ps: mild reference to self-mutilation and being weak, sorry if this fic makes you tired. :(
Disclaimer: I don't own any of anyone here, it's not bloody fair I KNOW!
Holding Onto Invisible Strings
-Hunter
Chapter one: Isaac Lahey, North American Teenage Social Recluse, and Werewolf
When you get to a certain point, you just refuse to accept it. It just feels as if you are in this different world and reality can be ignored. You can live in the non-existing, even though you're probably just hurting yourself even more.
.::
Isaac makes sure that each time he meets someone new- a stranger, he makes sure to mention that he writes stories. He also makes sure not to mention that he writes fanfiction. He thinks it's important, for him (Isaac) to have some sort of thing that he does. Like in the pack, Derek does the take care of every one thing, Stiles does the annoy the hell out of every one thing and Lydia does the pretend to be a dumb blonde thing, etc.
Everyone has a thing and so Isaac also has a thing. His thing just happens to be fanfiction. He doesn't tell anyone because usually Isaac has to explain what fanfiction is first then give some good examples, and for that maybe he'll give you an otp ( One True Pairing) like Drarry, Merthur, Johnlock or Sheriarty. He actually likes Sheriarty better in the Sherlock fandom, but the fandom disagrees with him so anyway if you make it to the otps and Drarry and whatnot point and are still listening, Isaac will then tell you this stuff about canon pairings, non-canon pairings, slash, femslash; he'd tell you he only reads and writes slash, but he won't mention his otp, you'll wonder, but won't question. Then he'll tell you about brotps maybe and you'd be bombarded with all this information and ideas about the world you thought you knew before.
But-
But Isaac never tells anyone this because-well, because they will think it's odd, disgusting and weird maybe.
And that is another funny thin. Isaac kind of thought that after became a werewolf and whatnot, his weird personality, his being a fanfiction writer might just go away. He thought he would change. Well, in a way, he did and then he didn't. His being a werewolf more like amplified his weirdness. Isaac is finding that not as troubling anymore, He just does as he feels.
Which is becoming a total social recluse, only coming out when he needs to, maybe just for groceries and whatnot, but he's finding out the wonders of the world and realizes that he doesn't need to go out for anything anymore, he can actually get his food clothes, all necessities sent to him by maybe EMS, DHL or those delivery guys from the supermarket. Thank Merlin for shipping companies and delivery men is what he thinks when he hears the doorbell ring.
He stopped talking like a normal human being a long time ago. It's funny really. If only people could understand. He also realizes that he's a rare breed of a slash fan; most of the slash fans are girls. Hence the rabid fangirl thing, but, you know being a fan boy has its perks, like all the tumblr friends and followers he has, he's got close to a thousand now and he's very proud.
He thinks he's proud enough to make Draco proud. Isaac and Draco have a thing, no let me rephrase that, Isaac has a thing with Draco. Or Isaac just has a thing and Draco's included in that thing. He can't explain it, no one will ever understand. They just can't, they can't even begin to get the feels Isaac gets when he sees Draco or reads about Draco. Isaac doesn't call him Malfoy, because he thinks it's impersonal, even though Draco Malfoy is not a real person, but Isaac likes to think he is. It's just one of those things. Isaac wishes people could invent real life gifs, so he can use them for every moment. He wouldn't even need to talk or anything.
Isaac is a dreamer.
And so Isaac Lahey social recluse stays in his house never coming out except on full moons to transform of course. Isaac thinks he's just another pack member, because he's not that important, he doesn't really have any to offer them, he thinks Derek and the rest are just stuck with him, and it makes him feel even more unwanted, so he stays at home where he belongs. But when he is there, he runs with his pack after not seeing them for a month maybe. He's not hard to forget so he's kind of dodged all those bullets. He makes sure that each time they 'wolf out', (Stiles says that and Isaac doesn't know why he follows) he makes sure to go back home immediately after he's enjoyed his run. Sometimes his inner wolf wants more, it in a way requests for him to take it out of its misery and let it out, but Isaac, Isaac doesn't do that. He doesn't need another monster on the loose or just around. And his inner wolf just submits like that. He thinks he'd probably be a sub if he was put in those dom and sub BDSM fics he secretly like reading (well technically, it isn't in secret because there's no one else around or in the house to force their opinions onto him) Derek may be his guardian, somehow, but he seems to have forgotten that- probably busy indulging in Stiles. Isaac really saw that one coming. I mean, come on? Who didn't? But Isaac is weirdly grateful that Derek gave him a credit card that mysteriously never runs out of money, not saying that Isaac spends it like crazy. He's also grateful that no one comes to see him. He's really happy at home with fanfiction and tumblr and the internet.
And then it came to be that Isaac finds a way of not needing to 'wolf out' or run with the pack. It's a week after Derek and Stiles go on a holiday trip. The alpha is not around and Isaac feels slight trepidation about leaving the house; he chalks it up as his being lazy. It's been almost a month since he last stepped out of the house and seen the outside world. A small part of him tells himself from time to time that this is neither normal nor healthy and that he needs to fight off the growing phobia. Isaac just thinks that that's his conscience talking probably. Most of him has already fallen into this state of 'I don't want to change', Isaac's in deep denial that he's become scared of the outside world. Even his wolf is afraid of the outside world. Isaac sometimes wonders why he has such a weak wolf that he only senses around the time of the new moon.
Isaac almost feels sorry for it. Almost. It's also strange that he can't sense things as much as he could before and especially when he has coffee. Coffee makes him numb, usually after the daily dose of five mugs and he sleeps about three or four hours a day now, because of it, spending most of his time on fanfiction, tumblr, movies, TV shows and he's also trying to watch as many movies as he can. He actually watched all Oscar nominated films even before the Oscars came about. Isaac's proud that he's accomplished what he's accomplished and happy too. Or maybe what he vaguely remembers as something akin to happiness, he's not sure. All thanks to his rapidly deteriorating health, coffee ( he thinks he'll die of a caffeine overdose and that it wouldn't be so shameful) and imaginary friend, Andy.
Isaac isn't quite sure how Andy came about. He thinks it was the time he used to have hallucinations and laughed at the utterly morbid walls. 'Morbid', he said for the first time, it sounded like something Draco would say, and he thought that and just like that, he saw a blonde in his room. Something about him didn't make Isaac want to scream like he should've or was supposed to. He just looked at him and thought he looked like Draco. Except he wasn't as pale, he didn't have the almost white hair and the grey eyes were somehow colorless. He was common.
Isaac watched the non-existent person as he sat himself on Isaac's bed. It didn't shift, because-well he didn't exist.
Isaac looked and looked and looked, and then he said, "You look like Draco," he voice was small, as usual, maybe due to the lack of its being used very often. It sounded strange and awkward, because Isaac's like that. He forgets who he is most of the time, running away from reality and falling into the clutches of fiction, hiding.
Reality is cold and hard, Isaac knows this. He's always known this and that's why he tells himself that it's OK that he locks himself up in the house and hides from reality.
"You're pretty, like Draco, but you'll be Andy. My Andy," he said then very quietly as if he was sharing top secret information. Andy nodded at him and disappeared then. Isaac thought at the time he'd gone and changed into more Andy- friendly clothes. He didn't dress like an Andy, but thinking back on it, he doesn't remember what he dressed like at all.
Isaac frowns at the memory he just thought of, it reminded him of pensieves and that led to Dumbledore which led him to Harry. So Isaac decides that he'll re-watch all seven Harry Potter movies that day.
.::
It's been five months, two weeks and six days since Isaac's been outside. It's also been four months since he last saw a human being. The feeling in his gut when he thinks of going outside gets worse and worse. He hasn't seen himself in the mirror for he doesn't know how long as well. And it's kind of a good thing then, that he has OCD, he keeps everything spick and span in his room, and the rest of the house, sometimes he spends hours cleaning the cabinets that he's already cleaned three or four times in that single day. Isaac's kept himself to buying bulks of dried fruits, water, noodles, so he's not had to buy food for quite a while not to mention ten big boxes of soap, toothpaste and cleaning supplies included. Because he finishes them so fast, with his erratic cleaning and what not.
Isaac is-
Isaac thinks he's going to die.
He thinks he's going to die because he's become thin, face turning angular ,his head pounds every day and he can't seem to be able to breathe properly now.
Isaac also has a secret.
Isaac doesn't know –Isaac has bruises all over his body, mostly where people can't see, which is funny because no one will see right?
No one will see.
He wonders if he's given up on humanity except the internet and fanfiction that keeps him going. And strange enough, he can't seem to write anymore, he can't get there. Draco doesn't come to him anymore too so he only ha Andy. Andy who sits by the edge of the bed that Isaac's watching Isaac sprawled on his bed. The bed that Isaac's made thirteen times today. It's not enough, Isaac thinks to himself as he watches the ceiling like he'd found the secrets and or treasures to a thousand worlds in it. He doesn't even think riches will ever help him now. It would make no difference, really.
The AC is on and it's on its lowest, ten degrees Celsius, Isaac doesn't know why he wants it that way. He's wearing fives pieces of clothing on top and four on the bottom. The black coat he has on deeply reminds him of people from National Geographic, but he has no socks on, leaving his feet beyond freezing; he dips them in hot water later when he bathes. And he also doesn't get Reynaud's or frostbite because the wolf inside of him won't let that happen. He doesn't remember the last time he actually let his wolf out, but he cowers in his home, his den, and doesn't deem that wrong. He sedates it and keeps it from coming out. Isaac doesn't know if he's ever hated being a werewolf so much. He despises himself; that's one of the reasons why all the mirrors in his bedroom are gone, broken. He doesn't want to catch glimpses of the monster he is. And as for his werewolf, well Isaac supposes his werewolf knows him better than Isaac ever knew himself, because it stopped requesting and asking-only waking days or even hours before the full moon.
Isaac wants to say he's sorry, that he's punishing it like this, the bite- it shouldn't have gone to someone like him, but then he doesn't want to, when he's stripped all of his clothing and sees all the cuts and bruises on his body because of what happens when he takes the sedatives right before the full moon. 'What' , 'how', 'when' and 'why' about the bruises, Isaac thinks he'll never know because he doesn't want to; remembering the first time he'd taken the sedative and waking up to blood on his sheets, in his hair, on his hand, everywhere.
He thought he was going to die that time, he really did. He still does. Life's not life and there's only so many days you can wake up to the same scene and the same routine again and again and again.
If you don't want this, then show it. The voice sounds awfully like Conscience( he'd given him a voice and a face too actually. Andy shakes his head , short blonde locks following and smiles into Isaac's eyes. And Isaac naturally finds himself in a deep hallucination. He can't say he was hallucinating, because he's sees what he sees and that was the beautiful smile of Andy directed at him. The closest thing to a human he has right now.
He's never seen anything so beautiful.
He really hasn't because Andy is not real.
It ends almost as fast as it starts and Isaac finds himself looking into the eyes of his pack members that have just entered his room. McCall looks at him with pure shock and Isaac's wolf and mind is screaming at him so he does the one thing he's never done before these months of isolation.
He starts to cry.