"Josh, we need to talk" I said after he had opened the door. "About what?" he asked stepping back to let me in.
we waked into the living room. He offered me a seat on the couch. I shook my head no.
He stood beside me and waited for me to speak. "I need to say that," I began "I don't think we should see each other anymore" I let out a breath.
"Is it something I did? Are you mad at me? I mean," Josh rambled. I cut him off.
"Josh it's not your fault," I tried to not throw up. I did not want to let him go.
"I can't see you because I started chemo"
"but Andy, I told you that I want to be there for you and you said you wanted me there" His voice was getting louder now.
"No!" I sobbed. "My head hurts constantly, I throw up every time I get another round and you can be having a life" I was now wiping my tears faster
"you could be out with someone else instead of holding my hair back in a bathroom" He looked at me in a way that wrenched my stomach.
His eyes were full of hurt and concern. I did not feel well anymore. I tuned out every noise around me.
I felt my legs go weak and I wrapped my arms around my stomach to keep from throwing up.
My head was pounding and the silent tears trailing down my cheeks spilled faster now. I let out a sob and collapsed to the floor.
Josh wrapped his arms around me and lifted me off the floor. I refused his help. "No Josh!" I screamed. I pounded my fists on his chest and continued sobbing.
"Stop it!" I yelled. "Why won't you let me help you?" he asked looking at me as I continued hitting him.
"Because you could have a life," I sobbed. He whispered to me "it's ok Andy. I am here and I won't leave. I love you".
"How can I believe you?" I cried. "Because Andy. You are my life. Please trust me." He said it with a look on his face and I knew he meant it.
I fell back helplessly into his arms and he carried me to the couch. He sat down slowly pulling me onto his lap.
I continued pounding my fists on his chest and he suddenly grabbed my wrists. I sobbed and sank back into his embrace.
He wrapped his arms around my shaking body and rocked me back and forth. He pushed the hair away from my face and kissed my cheek.
We sat there for about half an hour just crying. My cheeks felt wet and my heart heavy but as I sat there in his lap, I felt like there was no cancer.
Soon there were no tears left to cry. I sighed. "Shh" he soothed. I smiled as he rocked me back and forth. "I love you" I whispered. "I love you too" he said quietly.
He always knew just the right thing to do and say to me. I slowly closed my eyes and he did the same. Soon I was in a deep sleep.