A/N: I am so sorry, I accidentally uploaded the first draft of the chapter, this is the real deal. Everything else still applies: Timeline of story doesn't match the final epsides, so pretend anything after The Squab and the Quail didn't happen. My apologies for everyone who's got to read now the first chapter again. I hope it's better than the earlier draft - after all that's why I've rewritten it. Oh and I still don't own Castle.
"Wow, Castle", Beckett almost whistled, "This is amazing." She looked around the restaurant as the maitre d' led them to their table.
"You like?" Castle looked at her, holding her hand.
"Mmm," She nodded, and leaned a bit more into his side. "It's so romantic."
"I did good?" He grinned at her.
"You did very good," she smiled at him.
They'd evidently reached their table because the maitre 'd had stopped walking. He held out a chair for Beckett, waiting for her to take a seat. Castle settled down on the opposite side of the small table for two.
"Your server will be with you shortly, Mr. and Mrs. Rodgers." He handed them their menus and excused himself, "I hope you'll enjoy your dinner."
"Thank you", Kate and Rick replied in unison, not even bothering to correct him. Since going out with Beckett, Castle had started using his birth name alias to avoid drawing any media attention to them, and Rogers, party of 2, had quickly morphed into Mr. and Mrs. Rodgers. Couldn't risk the Ledger announcing their relationship to the world, when they were trying so hard to hide it from Gates at work, could they? That would somehow defeat the purpose.
"How did you even get a table here?" Kate asked him, taking a sip of her water. "This is like the hottest place in town. I can only imagine this place is booked solid since opening night last month."
"I own it", Castle replied.
"Of course," Beckett muttered and then her eyes widened. "Wait, what?!"
"I ran into one of my old buddies from school at the party I told you about, you know the one a couple of months ago."
Kate nodded. She had been torn about whether to accompany him to the Mayor's party. The media was going to be there and if they didn't watch it, they might get outed. Her dilemma had been quickly solved when it started raining dead bodies that week and Gates ordered overtime for everyone.
"His girlfriend is a restaurateur. Including this one, she owns three of the hottest restaurants in town. All very stylish, all very successful. She and I got talking at the party about her plans for a new restaurant. She wanted to do something new, risky, unusual. Turns out she was still looking for investors. And I'd just gotten the advance for my new book," Castle shrugged his shoulders. "It's a good investment."
"So you bought it?" Kate looked at him with wide eyes.
Castle laughed, "No, I'm a silent partner."
"You didn't tell me," Kate groused. He'd kept it a secret from her.
"It was a surprise," Castle leaned in, "I wanted to take you to the opening but we were knee-deep in the middle of a case and the media had been sniffing around my private life again."
She nodded in understanding. The new Nikki Heat was coming out soon and Gina had been plugging the novel and its author non-stop the last two months.
"So I figured I'd take you out here for our anniversary. The owner's very discreet." Castle said with a smug grin on his face and Beckett rolled her eyes. "No seriously. That's something Melanie and I discussed. I mentioned that I always found it annoying that most of the nice, upscale restaurants in New York are always frequented by the in-crowd where it's always all about seeing and being seen. I may have expressed my frustration with finding a nice romantic place, where I can take my girlfriend, without paparazzi waiting at the door. So we came up with the design of this place. Romantic, intimate and discreet."
"The valet service", Kate realized. She hadn't seen a single reporter there around the entrance.
"For instance."
Their waiter showed up at the table, taking their drinking orders. They realized they hadn't even glanced at the menu and apologized.
"So as the owner, is there anything you can recommend?"
"Definitely not the squab nor the quail." Castle smiled, "Just kidding. Didn't want to come here without you the first time."
She gave him a sweet smile before she started to peruse the menu.
0~0~0~0~0
In between the aperitif and the main course, Castle reached into his pocket and pulled out a little box. He placed it on her half of the table with an expectant look. "Happy anniversary, Kate." He heard her gasp.
Beckett eyed the dark velvet box suspiciously, as if it would catch fire any minute. Her hands were paralyzed on the table, her throat dried up quickly. Her fingers turned all sweaty and her heart threatened to jump out of her chest. She swallowed and glanced at him. "Castle", she finally managed to choke out but made no move to touch the little object on the table. Kate wasn't stupid; she knew exactly what this was.
"It's not an engagement ring." He quickly explained, reading her thoughts. Well that wasn't entirely true. When he had bought it, he had done so with two possible outcomes. Seeing how the panic befell her the minute she spotted the box, he knew she wasn't ready. Plan B it was then.
"You can open it," he nodded at her with an encouraging smile. Go ahead, it's safe to open it, no strings attached. He saw the tension leave her body as she breathed a sigh of relief, which was immediately replaced with a different emotion. A look of… regret? Interesting. Maybe they were ready for plan A after all.
"I wasn't asking for a ring, Castle." She eyed the box warily. "That's not what I meant when I asked you where we're going."
"I know. That's why it's not an engagement ring yet", he stressed and her eyes flew up wide open, "not until we've moved in together at least and had that big talk about our future, you know, marriage… and kids."
"Are you asking me to move in with you?" She looked at him amused. If he bought her a ring like this to convince her to move in with him, she couldn't wait to see the rock he'd put on her finger when he proposed.
"I'm saying I'm open to the idea whenever you're ready. I don't want to push you. You asked me where we were going last month and, well, I don't know where we're going but I know that I want us to go together."
She nodded in understanding, a shy smile spreading on her face. The ring was something of a promise for everything to come, when they were ready. She giggled, "What are we, fifteen and back in high-school exchanging promise rings?"
Castle just grinned. "I don't need a ring to promise you always."
She finally snapped the box open and gasped.
"It's beautiful", she whispered, glancing up at him.
"It doesn't do your beauty any justice", he replied and leaned in. Normally she would have rolled her eyes at him for saying something so corny, but she just reached for his tie to pull him closer so she could kiss him. The kiss was chaste, they were in a public place after all, but full of promises for later tonight, once they'd get home.
He pulled back and took the ring out of the box. Kate held out her right hand and let him slip the ring onto her finger. "I was going to get you earrings", she let out a soft chuckle, remembering the Valentine's Day fiasco, "when I saw it. I just had to get it for you. It's so elegant, so classy, so you." He grinned at her. He didn't mention the part where his mother's words had been ringing in his ears about rings and commitment. He wanted Kate to wear his ring that would tell all other men to back off because she was his and his alone.
She pulled her hand back to inspect the ring more closely. "It's breath taking, Castle. It's…" she was at a loss for words. No one had ever given her such a beautiful piece of jewelry.
"Perfect", he supplied with a smirk, "Like you are." He looked at her with that lovesick gaze that always melted her heart a little. God, she was such a goner. He reached for her hand again and brushed his thumb softly over her knuckles.
"I hate that I cannot show you my affections openly, whenever I want." She opened her mouth to say something but he closed his eyes and shook his head slightly, as if to say, doesn't matter. "Sometimes I just want to be able to hold you in my arms, when a case is particularly tough, and whisper in your ear that everything will be alright. I want to take you out to nice restaurants, I'd love to show you off at my parties, I want to be able to kiss you hello and good-bye like a normal couple."
She wanted all those things, too. They'd been together for a year now and they'd proven that they could do their jobs just as well as before they started sleeping with each other. Nothing had changed, except now she was even a bit more scared for Castle's life when they went out to arrest someone. Especially now that Castle would follow her commands even less, trying to protect her from gun-wielding criminals. Stupid fool. More than once they had a loud fight over his stupidity when they got home. Home. Just where was home these days? They seemed to be spending more time at his loft than her apartment lately.
"Castle", she sighed. "It's not that I don't want those things…"
"I know. I share your concerns and I understand your reasons and most of all I respect your decisions, but that doesn't mean that sometimes…" He trailed off with a sigh. "So when you need me to hold you and I can't, when you want to kiss me and we can't, I want you to look at this ring as a token of my affections and know that when we get home, I'll hold and kiss you for as long as you need." Oh he was good. She shouldn't be surprised anymore, he was a writer after all, and he'd more than once made her cry with those beautiful things he whispered in her ear, but one year into their romance she still hadn't gotten used to it. He'd quite possibly just melted her heart with his words. She really should check for big puddle under the table because she felt all funny inside. Part of her wanted to grab him at his tie again and drag him home to make love to him right away. Her hungry stomach, however, immediately protested at this thought and reminded her why they were here. He brought her hand up to his lips so he could kiss her knuckles softly. "I'd never take you for granted, Kate. I love you with all my heart."
"And I'm sure jealousy has nothing to do with you wanting me to wear your ring. Just in case I have to babysit other handsome millionaires who'll try to cop a feel?"
"He tried to cop a feel?!" Castle almost shouted.
"Shh!" Kate shook her head, "Sorry bad choice of words. I swear he didn't. He tried to kiss me but I pushed him back."
"That's all?"
"That's all there ever was."
"But you enjoyed him chasing after you?"
Instead of giving him a straight answer to his question, she opted for more truth, "He asked me, you know, about you and me… if we were in a serious relationship."
Castle swallowed, "And what did you say?"
"I told him yes that we're together and that we're serious."
Castle breathed a sigh of relief. It was short lived, though, when he saw her gnawing on her lower lip. "But…"
"But I hesitated for a moment because the truth is, I don't know if we are. I mean I know we love each other but what are we doing here, Castle?"
"You hesitated?" Castle looked at her hurt and worried, "Because he kissed you and you liked it?"
"No, he kissed me afterwards but that's not the point. The point is that I don't know where we're headed with this."
"Not the point?! What kind of a jackass kisses another man's woman? I'm gonna break his bones, he's officially off the LSL." Castle was seething.
Beckett just sighed and rolled her eyes, shaking her head. Men really didn't get it, did they ever. He started to sound as if he was talking about her like his property.
"What are you really upset about? That I let another man kiss me or that another man tried to take away your toy?"
"Don't be ridiculous, Kate, of course you're not a toy." He shook his head. Well, at least he got that part right. "Though I love playing with you!" He wriggled his eyebrows at her. Suddenly his face fell. "You let him?" He squeaked high-pitched.
Uh-oh. Overshare. Kate lowered her head embarrassed.
"Why?" He looked at her forlorn. "Why would you do that?"
"Because I was mad at you!"
"This whole thing… this… it was all about a stupid video game?" He looked at her in disbelief. "I already apologized for that."
"No. Yes." Kate closed her eyes and shook her head. She wanted to rub her hands across her face in frustration. This evening was quickly taking a turn for the worse. Why'd she let their conversation get this far? "Not just the video game. He came on to me, yes, but I told him that I was seeing you. And then when he asked me how serious it was and I hesitated he called me on it. And he was right because I don't know what this thing between us – whatever it is – leads to. And I know it's complicated because of work and our past relationships and history but all I could think about was that… I don't know… that morning at the precinct when you were jealous was the first time in a while that you looked at me like you used to. I mean you barely looked at me the night before and I was standing half naked in front of you, Castle. And then I thought about all the other times and I've realized that recently it's been mostly me who initiated sex and intimacy and what if you didn't really find me attractive anymore. What if you're one of those guys for whom it's all about the chase and now you've got me you no longer want me."
"You really think I'm that shallow?" He asked hurt.
"You ditched me for a video game."
"And I said I was really sorry for that." His voice was now laced with anger.
"I mean what if we're finally imploding like we've feared all the time? What if you're wrong and it does matter that we make no sense on paper? Maybe that's how it plays out? Maybe this is how it starts? You playing video games and me being attracted to other men? Maybe you're starting to push me away and haven't even realized it yet because I'm not really what you want? What if you're really in love with Nikki Heat and not me? How can I possibly live up to a fictional character you created to fulfill your sexual fantasies?"
Castle sat there shocked and open mouthed. "Kate", he interrupted her but couldn't find the right words. He was speechless. "I didn't know." He looked at her helpless, he was truly at a loss for words. Oh the irony. He was a wordsmith and when he needed it the most his profession was failing him. "I don't know what to say, except how sorry I am. Where… where's all this coming from?" He had no idea, no idea at all, that she'd felt so insecure in their relationship. He didn't even know where to start. She'd dumped so much on him, he had a hard time figuring out what he should address first. Where she needed reassurance from him the most.
"I tried to talk to you that night but you weren't taking me seriously and it's been eating away at me ever since. You've been avoiding me."
"No, I haven't", he protested.
"Yes, you have. Don't think I haven't noticed the secret glances and looks at me as if you're trying to hide something from me since Vaughn kissed me. Every time I've tried to talk to you, you've been brushing it off, claiming it's about your book. Have you forgotten that I'm a detective and pretty good at my job? I know when you're lying and you, my dear, have been deflecting for weeks now."
Castle sighed. "It's not what you think."
"Then tell me. If it has something to do with us, don't you think I deserve to know? You're taking me out to dinner and buy me a nice gift for our anniversary but you're acting as if you're secretly plotting the demise of our relationship. You pushing me away and showering me with gifts is sending mixed signals. It confuses me. And honestly it scares me a bit." Josh would always buy her gifts to buy off his guilty conscience. She hadn't really felt hurt back then because her heart wasn't really in the relationship, but it was different with Castle. It set all kinds of alarms off in her that he'd done something he felt he needed to buy her forgiveness for.
"It was something my mother said, ok?"
"Martha told you to break up with me?" She looked at him panicked.
"What?! No!" Castle closed his eyes and shook his head slightly, "I wasn't planning to break up with you. Trust me, nothing could be further from what I want than leaving you. Would I be taking you out like this to dump you on our anniversary no less? What I've been trying to figure out the past weeks is if this", he pointed at the ring on her finger, "should be an engagement ring or not."
Beckett's jaw dropped in surprise. So her first impression had been right after all. Her chest suddenly felt constricted again and her breaths came out shorter. There was no way they were anywhere near ready for this. How can he go from completely ignoring her to proposing to her in a matter of days?
"You were spending the night with Vaughn, and though I trust you, it was driving me crazy. And I was right, wasn't I? He did come on to you. Alexis reassured me that you were crazy in love with me and committed to our relationship."
"Thank you", Kate grumbled, "at least there's one adult in your family."
"But then mother said that you're not really all that committed, are you?" He continued ignoring her previous jab, "I mean there's no ring on your finger. It's not like we're married with kids, you can end this relationship any day if you want. I couldn't stop you from leaving me."
"Wearing a ring or having children hasn't stopped people from leaving each other, either." Kate pointed out.
"I know." Castle shrugged, "What I mean is I realized we haven't really defined our relationship. And then you accused me of taking you for granted, and I realized that for the most part I've just been holding on to my seat and enjoying the ride. I mean, I've chased you for four years and I finally got you and what a ride you are, Beckett!"
"Castle!" She chastised him. "Don't be so crude."
"I didn't mean it like that, although I quite enjoy that, too."
She rolled her eyes at him. "So why did you brush me off when I asked you where we're going?"
"Because it wasn't the right time. It was the worst possible moment for us to have this discussion."
"Come again?" She raised her eyebrows in surprise, not understanding his logic.
"Because I'm an idiot who rushes into things without thinking and I don't want to screw this up. I needed to think first, Kate, I needed to figure out what's the right step for us at that point. If we'd had that conversation that night I would have done something very stupid and probably scared you away… like asking you to marry me."
"Why couldn't you just share that with me? Why couldn't you just say that? Why did you have to brush me off like that?"
"I don't know it seemed easier at the time."
"Better yet, why wouldn't you want to figure it out with me? Why'd you even want to figure it out on your own? You're not alone in this relationship, Castle."
"I know but I'm scared, ok?" He looked at her miserably. "I've already got two failed marriages behind me and I don't want to add another one to that."
"Who says I'd agree to marry you?" She joked but it fell flat. He just looked at her pointedly. Okay, no jokes about marriage, he was clearly licking his wounds in that department in spite of all his bravado. He really was scared.
"I don't want to screw this up, Kate." Castle confessed. "Remember early on when I was shadowing you and you asked me how many times I had been married?" She nodded, recalling the conversation vaguely. She'd been surprised he'd only been married twice. "I asked you if you'd ever been married and you said you're not really the if at first you don't succeed type…"
"… that when it comes to marriage I'm more of a one-and-done kind of girl." She finished the sentence for him. "Or something like that."
He nodded, "I don't want you go looking anywhere else anymore, Kate, because I'm done looking. I know what I want. I've known since the moment you flung yourself at me all wet and dripping. I've been in love with you for two years, Kate, and I had a lot of time thinking about my feelings for you, while I waited for you to figure out that you love me, too. And here we are another year gone by and I still don't know if I am what you really want."
"Of course I want you."
"But do you really want me, Kate? I mean do you really want me in a 'I want to spend the rest of my life with you' way? Because I do, Kate, I want it all with you and sometimes I'm just not sure that's the same thing you want. You're holding out on me and at first that was okay because we were figuring things out, figuring us out, and I've been so scared that you'll bolt again and re-erect your walls that I've let you call all the shots. And that was a mistake because somewhere along the line, we've fallen into this unhealthy pattern creating this kind of stalemate. I had no idea how insecure you felt about us. That's partly my fault because I haven't been good and voicing my own needs. I just thought you must know how I feel about you, seeing as I've been chasing after you for the better part of four years. I still want you and, God, I still need you. So badly. You have no idea!"
She smiled at him. "You're not talking about the sex now are you?"
"No", he shook his head, "I'm talking about how awesome it feels to wake up next to you. Going grocery shopping with you and that little eye roll you do when you catch me sneaking Coco Pops into the cart. When you snuggle up to me during movies and fall asleep on me after a long day at the precinct. I'm talking about all the times I don't have to say what I think or feel because you just know, when you finish my sentences, or when you throw the most awesome surprise birthday parties for me. How you look at me when you think I'm not watching."
"I don't", she started to protest but he cut her off.
"Yes, you do. And it's adorable. And sexy. And cute. And that mixture of want and knowing in your eyes. My heart does a little flip flop every time I catch that look in your eyes. I love that you still do that to me. Love that you still check me out even though you know my body inside out."
"Well, now I know which parts of your anatomy to really appreciate." She grinned.
"This past year with you, it's been the best year of my life, in spite of everything we went through. Being able to share with you is what made some of it easier and I can't think of anyone else I'd rather share my life with than you. That's been a real eye opening experience for me because in neither of my previous marriages I've felt that strongly about sharing stuff. But with you it's different. And maybe I have given the impression that I don't really care about us so much or that I'm taking you for granted but the truth is I've been letting you call the shots in our relationship from the beginning. I was so scared of losing you again because I can't have had you and lose you. That's just simply not going to work, Kate. I need you. And maybe I should have been more assertive of what I want in our relationship, maybe I should have let you known sooner but I've known from the beginning that I want to be your one and done. And I've just been waiting for you to figure that one out too."
"You silly man, how can you possibly not know that you're the only man I want? I told you! A couple of times if I may remind you."
"Yeah but then it's taken you quite a while to tell me you love me. And like I said I was pretty sure that you'd bolt out of my bed if I tossed the condoms and told you forget about contraception, because I can't wait to knock you up so I have an excuse to marry you!"
Kate opened her mouth but words failed her. She cleared her throat quickly and tried again. "Is that what you want? Marry me and make babies?"
"Probably. Maybe. Possibly," he looked at her shyly. "It all depends on what you want. The only thing I can tell you for sure right now is that I want you in my future. I wouldn't know what to do with my life if you suddenly left me."
"Children are a huge commitment." Beckett reminded him.
"I know. Remember, I'm the one who raised a daughter. I guess what I'm trying to say is, we really, really need to talk soon about what exactly we want out of this relationship and figure out the stuff we can't compromise on and if they're deal breakers. Because every day I spend with you is going to hurt me exponentially more if you decide I am not what you want in your life after all."
"I love you, Rick. Never doubt for a minute that you're not in the picture when I imagine my future." She smiled at him. It was surprising how easily these words came across her lips these days, considering it took her like forever to say them the first time.
"I love you, Kate", he whispered back and they leaned in over the table to share a quick kiss.
They pulled back just when the waiter brought their entrées. She should probably let go of his hand so he could eat his food, but she didn't want to lose his touch. He showed no sign of eating, instead staring at her. With a deep sigh, she pulled her fingers out of his grasp and reached for her spoon, before her soup got cold.
0~0~0~0~0
Victoria Gates scanned the room out of habit: Once a cop, always a cop. She groaned with exasperation, when her eyes fell on the dark-haired man sharing a table with a brunette across the room. "You've got to be kidding me."
A/N: Thank you to the two guests who have pointed out the fork/spoon mistake. The first draft of the story had them served their main course and not the entrées and so I missed this mistake. Also for those who are wondering, this is a multi-chapter fic and I plan for weekly updates around weekends.