Mutiny in the Ranks
By Flossy
Disclaimer: The following story is a work of fan fiction, and as such is for fan enjoyment only. All recognizable characters/settings are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is made. I'm afraid that despite wishing that I did, I don't own these characters. Not even my muses' voodoo could make them mine – and believe me, they used a LOT of chicken blood and other such occult doodads. NEVER mess with the muses. Still, having the boys out on loan is better than nothing…
Summary: Trouble's a-brewing in the Pegasus camp…
Central Character(s): Rodney and John, with Carson.
Category (ies): Humour, friendship.
Placement: Season Two.
Rating: PG.
Spoilers: Not even a snippet…
Author's Note: Inspired by OXOBastetOXO and MandyK. Utter crack, but if they could get away with it then so can I…
Lt Col John Sheppard looked across from the laptop to Dr Carson Beckett with a horrified expression. "Doc?" he croaked.
"I know, son. It's bad," Carson replied, his face ashen. Both men were shaking visibly.
John sighed, shaking his head. "We've gotta hide it from Rodney. This is gonna kill him for sure."
"Easier said than done, Colonel," Beckett whimpered, pointing over Sheppard's shoulder.
The pilot turned and let out a low groan as he saw Dr Rodney McKay striding into the infirmary. He was clutching his hand tightly to his chest and muttering a litany of curses under his breath.
"What have you done this time?" asked Carson, walking over to his friend's side.
McKay glowered at the two of them. "My laptop blew up," he said in disbelief. "I was working on a fairly straight forward non-linear dynamics equation and the damn thing went boom for no reason whatsoever. I swear someone's got it in for me." He held up his hand for inspection, revealing a nasty burn.
"Och, that looks sore, Rodney."
John looked back at the computer in front of him and paled.
"What's up with you, Flyboy?" Rodney snapped, wincing as Carson accidentally applied too much pressure to the raw skin.
"What? Oh, nothing," John replied too quickly.
Rodney's eyes narrowed. "And you say I'm a bad liar?"
"Look, honestly, it's nothing."
"Yeah and Carson works for the CIA."
Sheppard sighed, knowing that he wasn't going to be able to hide it any longer. "Rodney, you might wanna sit down," he suggested.
McKay went from curiosity to panic to full blown terror in a record breaking three seconds flat. "Oh no," he whispered. "No, no, no, no, no! Not again, please!"
"I'm sorry, lad," Carson said softly as he gently dabbed some gel on the physicist's mangled hand.
"No," Rodney hissed. "It's not even been a week!"
John stood up, bringing the laptop with him. "I know, buddy. I'm sorry. We tried really hard this time."
"Is… is it gonna be bad?" Rodney asked, his voice trembling.
Carson and John nodded and McKay blanched. "Oh God…"
"You'll get through it," Sheppard said. "You know she'd never kill you."
"That's not the point!" Rodney shrieked in semi-hysteria.
"And she always makes sure that there's a way out," Carson tried.
"I'M A DEAD MAN!" Rodney wailed hopelessly.
"We, uh, we found the file," John offered, holding up the laptop. It was snatched from his hands and McKay started to read. After a couple of minutes, Rodney let out a small squeak of terror and the laptop slipped from his grasp. Thankfully, John's reflexes were quick and he managed to catch it before it shattered on the floor.
"It'll be okay," Carson tried, grasping the Canadian's shoulder in support. "John saves you and you're only going to be in here for about a month. I'll make sure you're sedated for as much of it as possible…"
"Yeah, Rodney," John agreed. "Besides, maybe I can persuade her to pick on me instead. She's done that before, you know."
Rodney's animated face suddenly seemed to harden in the bright lights of the Infirmary. Slowly, he schooled his expression and shook his head. "No."
Beckett and Sheppard exchanged apprehensive glances. "No?"
"No," McKay repeated firmly. "I'm not going to do it."
"Are you daft, lad?" Carson exclaimed. "You know what she's like!"
"I don't care!" Rodney yelled. "I'm not doing it! I'm sick of it! Every time she turns on her computer, I have a panic attack! It took me nearly three months to get over the incident with our evil doubles! NO MORE!" He stood up and glowered at the ceiling. "You hear me, you psychopathic witch?! I'm not going to do it! ENOUGH ALREADY!"
"Rodney, please!" Carson begged, tugging ineffectually at his friend's sleeve.
"Don't provoke her, McKay," John added, looking scared. "You know she gets mean when she's angry."
"I DON'T CARE!" Rodney bellowed. "I'M… I'M MUTINYING!"
John and Carson looked horrified. "You better run now," John hissed. "Maybe if you get a big enough head start…"
"NO! I'VE BEEN SHOT, MANGLED, KIDNAPPED, BEATEN, BLOWN UP, TURNED INTO A FIVE YEAR OLD, ALMOST KILLED BY A SKATEBOARD, ELECTROCUTED, STABBED, GIVEN SEMI LETHAL ILLNESSES ON NO LESS THAN FIVE SEPERATE OCCASIONS, BURIED ALIVE, ZAPPED, PROBED, BROKEN, ABUSED, TRAPPED, SEMI-DROWNED, IMPRISIONED, FED ON BY A WRAITH, STARVED, BRAINWASHED, INFECTED, POSSESSED AND ALMOST GARROTTED!"
"You forgot frozen," John added unhelpfully.
"And burnt," Carson put in.
"Stranded."
"Poisoned."
"Tortured."
Rodney let out a strangled scream. "You listen to me, you blood thirsty, horror film obsessed, delusional harpy!" he demanded, still gazing upwards with a look that would have sent even the Wraith running in terror. "I am not doing this! Pick on someone else! There are plenty of other people on this base for you to persecute! Go and get your kicks somewhere else for a change and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" He turned on his heels and stormed out of the infirmary, leaving behind a very worried looking John and Carson.
The next morning, John found Rodney sitting in his lab, nursing his head in his hands. "You okay, Rodney?" he asked, moving to his friend's side.
"No!" McKay snapped. "I've got the hangover from hell and I didn't even drink anything last night!"
The pilot winced sympathetically. "We did warn you."
"Yeah, I know, I brought this on myself."
"Look, we managed to talk some sense into her," John offered. "We kind of made a deal."
McKay didn't like the sound of that one bit. "Oh, yeah?" he asked sarcastically. "And what would that be?"
"We agreed that if she leaves you alone for a while and writes funny things instead, the next time she wants to maim someone, she has to do the same to both of us."
Rodney looked up at John in amazement. "Really? You'd do that for me?"
John laughed and clapped the scientist on the shoulder. "You betcha," he replied. "So, no abuse for a while."
Rodney smiled lop-sidedly. "Thanks."
"Don't mention it. So, what's the plan for today?"
McKay shrugged, already feeling better. "Oh, I dunno. Play around with some Ancient gadgets, maybe? Or we could take the day off, go over to the mainland? I hadn't really thought about it."
"I've got a copy of the new season of Dr Who," John volunteered. "And a stash of popcorn miraculously appeared in my supplies overnight."
"She must be feeling guilty," Rodney said. "Dr Who it is."
The two of them stood up and wandered out towards the rec room.
"You know, you're scary when you're mad."
"So I've been told."
"Would you really mutiny?"
Rodney pondered for a moment before grinning wickedly. "Nah. It's too much fun around here. As long as she doesn't permanently maim me, it'll be fine."
As they laughed, they missed the sound of computer keys clacking in the ether…
FIN