The grandfather clock in the corner of the family room resonates a comforting rhythm as the back-and-forth, back-and-forth swinging of the pendulum persists its steady strokes. It is constant.
Where is she?
Muffled laughter from downstairs grabs my attention and I turn toward the basement door. Everyone is carrying on down below, and I wish so badly that I could be like them. Carefree.
They better keep it down, though. I can smell the alcohol from here, and if we get caught I so don't need Gabby's mom calling my parents blabbing about underage drinking. Whatever.
I sink a little further into the ottoman I'm sitting on, and I wring my hands together. I press down hard with my thumbs and twist my fingers until I'm focusing on them instead of what she's doing outside with him.
The front door creaks a little as it opens. My eyes immediately shoot to the ceiling, but I don't hear any movement upstairs. Gabby's parents must sleep like the dead.
She rounds the corner, and even through the darkness I can see that she's smiling. It hurts. She makes her way to the basement door and grabs the handle.
"Meg," I call out quietly. Her hand recoils and jumps to her heart as she swings around to face me.
"Shit, Santana," Meg hisses. She runs a hand through her hair and takes a deep, steadying breath. "Are you trying to kill me?"
I laugh out an apology. Scaring Megan is always hilarious; she's ridiculously easy to sneak up on and always reacts as if she's about to be murdered. She shuffles toward the ottoman and plops herself down next to me.
"What're you doing up here," she asks. But she already knows the answer.
"I'm just…I just wanted to make sure you're okay," I mumble, turning away from her slightly.
She sighs. "Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?"
She shifts closer to me, and I have to remind myself to keep my distance as her smell surrounds me. It's so familiar and so distinctly Meg that there's nothing else like it.
"I mean, you were with him, right?" I scowl, "He doesn't exactly have the best track record when it comes to your feelings."
She immediately jumps to his defense, "He's not a bad guy!"
"Says the girl who calls me crying every night," I spit back. I see her flinch and I instantly regret it. "Shit, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
I see her face harden, and I already know what's coming next. She'll make me feel like crap, and I'll try to make her feel better about herself. Again.
" I didn't realize that talking to me is such a burden," Meg snaps. She rolls her eyes and stands, ready to leave. And even though I know I'm giving her exactly what she wants, I grab her wrist.
"Wait, Meg please," I plead as I pull her gently back to me. "I just hate seeing you hurt. You know I always want you to call me whenever you need anything. I'm still your best friend, and I still love talking to you. I just think-" I pause. I feel like a broken record I've said this so many times. "I just think that you're amazing, and you deserve better than him."
"What, so I deserve you?"
Ouch. It would have hurt less if she had slapped me.
"That's not fair," I whisper. I feel my throat close up, and I try desperately to breathe normally. The familiar burning behind my eyelids comes anyway, and I will the tears to wait. To just wait until I can let them out when I'm alone.
Meg softens. "You're right," she says, "Sorry. That was a really bitchy thing to say." She intertwines our fingers, and my thumb automatically begins tracing patterns on the back of her hand. It's a habit hard to break. She doesn't pull away, though.
"You're not a bitch," I reassure her as I bump my shoulder into hers. It makes her smile.
"Yeah, well," she shrugs. I see her hesitate before she says, "He promises it'll be different this time."
And just like that, the floodgates are open. Hot tears cascade down my face before I have the chance to stop them. Shit.
I turn away.
"Well, I hope he keeps his promise this time," I choke out. I try to make my voice sound normal, but it doesn't work. I sound like I'm being strangled.
"Hey, come on," Meg whispers. She pulls me closer to her and wipes my tears away, but fresh ones swiftly replace them. She sighs and wraps her arms around me.
For a second it feels like it did before—when the whole world would disappear and we would get lost in each other. But then-
"This has to stop, you know," Meg murmurs into my hair. I feel my heart break a little more, if that's even possible.
I push her away.
I find my voice and sputter, "Do you think this is easy for me? Seeing you with him?"
"No, I don't." Her voice is unyielding, "But this is how it is. You have to try."
"I have been trying," I whimper.
"Well then try harder," she snaps.
I pull my bottom lip into my mouth and bite down, trying to hold in any more tears that threaten to fall. It's hard to keep calm and breathe at the same time, so there's a moment of total silence. We just stare at each other as she waits for me to say something.
All of the air leaves my lungs as I release it with the slump of my shoulders. Defeated, I shake my head and back away from her.
"Ugh, I'm sorry okay," she huffs, "I know you're trying. But making me feel guilty isn't going to change anything. It can't be like it was be fore. It's hard for me, too, but it's never going to happen. It can't. Do you understand?" The look in her eyes is pleading. And like so many times before, I remind myself that it doesn't even matter what I want. I'll do whatever I can to make her happy, even if it kills me.
"Yeah, I understand," I breathe. I feel nothing. Everything is numb.
"Okay," she half-smiles. She wipes the tears from my face again, but I don't even feel it. "Just give him another chance, yeah? For me?"
"Whatever," I shrug.
"Thank you," she rubs my arm and looks toward the basement door. "Let's go down okay? I don't know how long you've been waiting up here for me, but I know I've been gone for at least, like, and hour," she laughs. I smile, but only to make her feel better. To make it seem like everything will be okay.
They probably didn't even notice we were gone anyway.
"Sure," I nod, and then lead the way. When we get back to the party everyone is already too far-gone to see that I've been crying. I'm immediately pulled into a game of peer pong.
5…4…3…2…1…HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Everyone yells and laughs and hugs and kisses. I look for Megan and she finds me in the crowd. She pulls me into a hug and leans in close to my ear.
"Happy Ney Year, Santana," she murmurs above the noise.
"You too." I squeeze her closer to me.
Everyone ends up passing out gradually throughout the night until just Meg and I are left. She's really drunk and is struggling to keep her eyes open when she grabs my hand. I stiffen.
She can't keep doing this. It's not fair.
"s'gon be okaaay, ya know," she slurs. I don't reply.
We fall asleep holding hands that night just like so many others before it. And I almost want to laugh; because we ended the same way we started—hidden from all of our friends. From everyone. One big secret that would never be told.
"Are you sure you don't want to bunk the beds? You'd have so much more room in here!" Mom says as she pulls my red sundress from the closest suitcase and hangs it in my new closet. If you can call it that—it's more like a rectangular hole in the wall with a stick shoved into its sides.
"Yeah, Mom, come on. Just because I got here first doesn't mean I can take over the whole room. I'll talk to Tina about it when she gets here. And you don't have to do that you know," I say as I reach for the next shirt she pulls from the suitcase. "I mean, I am in college now. I don't need you to hang my clothes for me."
"I know that, but I want to!" She grins and snatches the shirt from my fingers, maneuvering it onto a plastic hanger. "We'll just get you settled."
"Just humor her, Tana," Dad grunts as he pushes the refrigerator up against the wall. He plugs it into an outlet. "She's gonna baby you for as long as she can," he laughs.
"Yeah, yeah, I know. And hey, I'm not complaining. If you guys wanna unpack my whole room for me, be my guest," I shrug. I dramatically flop onto the nearest bed and fold my hands behind my head.
"We haven't even made the bed yet and already you're lounging about,"
Mom mock-scolds. She gives my thigh a light slap, and I swat at her hand before I roll away. I'm only able to twist around two times before I hit the wall with a thud. "There's no escape!" Mom smirks and hits me with a pillow. "Get your lazy butt off of that mattress, Tana."
"Hm, I didn't know you shorten your name like that," an unfamiliar voice chimes in. I sit up and look towards the door. "Tina and Tana," the girl says with a smile. "I like it!"
Her voice is soft and unsure, but it's friendly. The girl's black hair is pulled into a side ponytail, and I notice a shimmer of blue dye as she moves further into the room. She's dressed in all black. She drops two suitcases onto the carpet and glances around. "This is nice!" She says, and I nod.
I don't really know what to say. During the summer I received my housing information and was told that Tina Cohen-Chang was going to be my roommate. She found me on facebook and we talked a few times to get to know each other—and to decide who was bringing the refrigerator and microwave. But now that she's actually standing in front of me I just feel awkward. I'm always like this when I meet new people, though; I never know what to say so I usually end up not saying anything. But this has to change if I want to make any friends here.
A middle-aged Asian couple shuffles into the room with their arms full of luggage. They must be her parents.
"Tina, hi!" I finally voice, "It's great to meet you. Well, in person," I smile awkwardly. I jump off of the mattress and walk over to the trio.
"I'm Santana," I greet her parents, "here, let me help you with that." A box—that appears to be a coffee maker—is perched precariously on top of the bundle in Tina's mom's arms. I grab it and she shoots me a grateful smile.
Tina's parents place her things by the bed closest to the door. I gesture to Mom and Dad, "These are my parents." They both step forward eagerly.
"I'm Maria. It's so nice to meet you," Mom says as she reaches forward to shake Tina's mom's hand. "And this is my husband, Carlos."
"Are you guys dreading this as much as we are?" Dad shakes his head; "I can't believe my little girl is in college already."
"We're as ready as we'll ever be," Tina's dad responds. "We did this with our son a couple of years ago, and I thought the experience would make this a little easier, but no such luck. I'm Michael, and this my wife Lynn," he says as he shakes Dad's hand and then Mom's.
"Oh, is your son here too?" Dad asks. I roll my eyes. He loves Pittsburgh so much that he assumes anyone would want to attend one of the universities scattered around Oakland, the University of Pittsburgh especially. Dad was ecstatic when I decided on Pitt.
"No, he's actually at the University of Pennsylvania," Lynn responds.
"UPenn?" Mom's eyebrows shoot to her forehead in surprise. "Wow," she smiles, "what an accomplishment!"
"That boy has a lot of drive," Lynn chuckles.
"Yeah, it's a lot of work but he loves it so far," Michael nods. "We're very proud of both of our children," he adds as he pulls Tina into a one-armed hug. She blushes and shoves him away playfully.
Mom throws an arm around my shoulder and presses a kiss to my temple. She has been randomly hugging me and bursting into tears all summer, so it doesn't even surprise me anymore.
"Aw, Mom don't start crying again," I joke.
"I can't help it. It's just so sad!" She chokes out as tears well up in her eyes. "My baby is leaving!"
"Yeah right," I snort, "I'll be home for holidays and summer. I'll be back before you know it." Mom nods and sniffles, and I smirk as I pull her in for another hug. I feel her take a breath to calm herself down, and I'm relieved that she's holding back most of the waterworks.
I glace over Mom's shoulder and see Dad shake his head in amusement. Tina grins and rolls her eyes as she inclines her head in her mother's direction. I'm guessing her mom has been reduced to a sobbing wreck recently, too.
"Alright," Mom pulls back, "enough of this. Let's unpack the rest of your stuff!" She wipes her cheeks and begins to place folded items of my clothing into a nearby set of drawers. Well, those ones are mine now I guess.
"No, Mom, you don't need to pull it in any direction," Tina exasperates, "we just need to push it straight back against the wall."
I laugh as Tina throws her hands up in frustration. "Will you please just do as I say," she whines.
"But your bed would look so…much…better…over…here," she huffs as she continues her solitary mission of pulling the bed in the opposite direction. The bed inches toward her a few inches. I chuckle off to the side and just watch Tina and her mom argue. It's hilarious. Lynn is so tiny there's no way she'll be able to move the bed very far without any help.
Dad is laughing too as he nudges Michael and says, "Arguing to the last second, huh?"
"It has been nonstop recently, I swear!" Michael replies. "Her baby is finally leaving the nest, and she's been going a little crazy-"
Lynn cuts him off, "I am not crazy!"
"It's not…your…room," Tina argues as she pulls the bed back to its original position. She gives me a desperate look, and I smirk and raise an eyebrow. What does she expect me to do? I'm not putting myself in the way of Mama Chang's wrath.
"Fine," Lynn surrenders, "but don't come crying to me when your sleeping patterns are all discombobulated because you slept with your left side to the wall!"
"Mama, what?" Tina looks just as confused as I feel. "What does that even mean?"
"It has been proven in studies all over the world that-"
She cuts her mother off, "You know what, I don't even want to know. I don't know why you read those crazy articles. It's all a bunch of crap."
Lynn gasps. "Take it back!"
"Just let them set their room up the way they want, sweetie," Michael implores.
"They can always switch everything around later if they want to," Mom adds.
"Yeah, Mom, if my sleeping is all 'discombobulated,'" Tina air-quotes, "I'll be sure to call you for the exact instructions on perfect bed placement."
"Watch it," Lynn snaps as she playfully slaps Tina's arm.
"You guys are crazy," I joke.
"You'll learn to love it," Tina smiles.
"Okay," Dad says as he walks back into the room, "there's nothing left in the car."
Mom shakes her head as if that couldn't possibly be true. "Really? Are you sure? Maybe I should go check."
"I'm sure, hon." Dad gives her a sympathetic smile. "She's all set."
"But, I'm sure there's something more we can do…" She trails off as she looks around the room. Everything is already organized and put in place.
"It's okay, Mom," I say as I wrap my arms around her. "You've got a long drive ahead of you, and if you don't leave soon you'll get home really late. You have to leave sometime," I add. I'm excited to be on my own, but there's also a deep pang in my gut as the finality of it all sinks in.
Mom pulls me closer to her and sobs, "But I don't want to!"
I laugh as I pull back. "Everything will be okay, I'll be home before you know it. Come on, I'll walk you guys down."
Mom looks at her shoes as we wait for the elevator, and Dad throws an arm around my shoulders, keeping me close.
When we get to the car, Dad pulls me into a misty-eyed hug and holds on just a little longer as I begin to pull away. He puts his hands on my shoulders and says, "You're going to have so much fun, Tana, and I'm so excited for you. But school comes first. Have fun, but study hard. You're gonna kick ass."
I laugh, "Thanks, Dad."
Mom hugs me again. She's still bawling. "You're gonna do great," she whispers. "I'm going to miss you so much."
"I'm gonna miss you guys, too," I assure her.
She squeezes me harder quickly before releasing me altogether and jumping into the passenger seat.
Dad winks at me and says, "I love you, kiddo," before he opens his car door and situates himself behind the wheel.
Mom rolls down the window, "You call if you need anything. Day or night. Any time."
"I will, Mom, I'll be fine," I promise as I wave from the curb.
They wave one last time before they begin to pull away.
"I love you!" Mom shouts out of the window.
"Love you, too!"
I watch the car until it disappears from view.