Title: Third Time's the Charm
Summary: "I told Merlin that the third time's the charm. He didn't know what I meant. If he'd understood, he would have stopped me." Daniel angst, post-Shroud.
Spoilers: The Shroud, The Light
Warnings: abundant amounts of angst. Discussion of suicide. Possible attempted suicide (depends on how you interpret it.). Implication of much nastiness, but no details.
Author's Notes: This is a bit of an experiment, so I'm not entirely sure if it works or not. Although I never contradict the canon events, I consider this story slightly AU because I imply that Daniel's time with Merlin and Adria was even more unpleasant than we were led to believe.
Part 1 – Three Times
Thankfully this last mission wasn't that difficult. But tensions are still pretty high. Even more than the rest of us, Jackson seems on edge. He rarely speaks and when he does his voice is almost brittle, as though he will fall apart if anyone so much as looks at him the wrong way.
I was worried enough to ask Sam about it. She's known him longer, and I figured she'd have a better idea of how to handle it if there really was something wrong with him. She just told me to give him space and let him handle it on his own. "He just needs some time to sort through everything in his head. It's the way he always handles stuff like this."
I wonder now how she could sound so nonchalant. "Stuff like this," she'd said. As though it happens all the time. I mean, yes, I've read the reports and I know they've all been through some pretty tough shit. So have I, but they've been doing this longer, and for some reason Jackson always seems to fall into the worst of it. But even with all that experience, I can't help but think that this time was different for him somehow. There was something more personal about it. Something more than his life that was on the line here, and he had only an alien wizard to help make sure he came out intact. Honestly, I'm still not sure that he has.
Each time we step through the gate now, I'm waiting for something to go wrong. But this time nothing happened. At least as far as I can tell.
Jackson's the first one done with his post-mission exam, and I see him leave without saying a word. I'm finished shortly afterwards, and I head to the locker room, trying to rehearse some sort of speech for him, some way to find out what's really going on here. Whatever words I had meant to say drip to the floor when I enter and see what he's doing.
His jacket is lying on a bench and his gear has been discarded haphazardly to the side, as if he didn't really care where it landed. Jackson is standing with his back to me, leaning with one arm braced on the edge of the sink and staring into the mirror. In the other hand, he holds a knife. Not a razor blade like he's going to shave. But a knife.
His shoulders are tense and I can see that his shirt is damp with sweat. Looking over his shoulder, I can just make out his reflection in the mirror. Blood-shot blue eyes stare out of the looking glass, but I'm distracted by the blade that he's holding in front of his face, as if admiring its quality.
"Have you ever tried to kill yourself?" he asks suddenly. I wonder if he knows that it's me. Can he see my reflection just as I can see his?
"No," I say quietly. "I never have."
"Apparently I'm not very good at it," Daniel says. And a chill runs up my spine. "You'd think with how many times I've died it wouldn't be so hard."
I see his lips quirk in an amused half-smile. Or some grotesque mockery of one.
I might as well be frozen to the floor because I have no idea what to do at this moment.
"I told Merlin that the third time's the charm." His voice isn't brittle now. It's calm and cold. Reasonable. Or it would be if it weren't for the words themselves. "He didn't know what I meant." Daniel lets out a grating laugh that makes me tense involuntarily. "Even a formerly ascended Ancient can get confused by a simple figure of speech. Just a twist of language."
He continues turning the blade left and right before his eyes, like an ancient artifact worthy of study.
"If he'd understood, he would have stopped me. He could have, you know. He could take control whenever he wanted. I tried to convince myself that it was different than being a host, but I wasn't always sure. " His voice is quieter now, almost cautious as if he is afraid Merlin is still here and will somehow hear him. "He didn't stop me because he didn't know. He had access to my memories, so he should have known. The third time's the charm, I said. But he didn't understand. All the knowledge of the universe didn't make a difference." He scoffs slightly. "Knowledge of the universe, but not of the effect of pain…of loss. He couldn't know."
Daniel puts the blade down on the edge of the sink and pulls back. He holds his left wrist in front of him for examination and he traces the finger of his right hand along the vein. "I thought the scars would never heal. But, no. Of course they healed. The others did, so why would these be any different. Adria scarred me, burned me. Merlin too. Those scars are gone and I'm glad. But these scars," he holds the unblemished wrist, "these were mine. And he took those away as well. Merlin and Adria. They took everything away."
I pray that I'm misinterpreting the feelings behind those words, but then he reaches for the knife. He picks up the blade again in his right hand, still holding his left wrist in front of him.
I hear the door open and hold up a hand to stop whoever might be standing there. A quick glance confirms that it's Teal'c. He looks from me to Jackson and back again, mouth open slightly as if he wants to ask something, but no words come.
"Look, Jackson," I say. "It's over now." He doesn't respond and I say the only thing that he needs to hear. "You don't have to do this."
He shakes his head slowly. "You don't understand either. It was the only thing I could do. The only protest. A futile resistance at best, but it was all I had. They took away the only evidence that I was still me. They took my life. Wasn't that enough?"
"But you can have all of that back now," I say, feeling like I've walked into a fog. I never expected to be having this kind of conversation. Never. "You won, Jackson. And you got your life back. It's right here."
For a long moment, he simply stands there, trembling. I look to Teal'c, begging for help. He appears even more stunned than I am, if that's possible.
Jackson lets out a shaky breath. "Yes. I did." Slowly, deliberately, he draws the knife across his wrist. Blood dribbles and droplets land in the sink, the steady dripping seemingly the only noise in the room.
Teal'c starts to move forward, but I stop him, not because I disagree with the sentiment, but because I have a feeling that Jackson needs to make this decision on his own without us forcing him. And I'm starting to think that I really don't understand what's going on here.
For a moment, Jackson watches the blood trickling down his wrist. He seems fascinated by the path it threads across his skin before it drips down to the white porcelain. I can see each drop as it falls through the air, landing in the sink with a quiet plinking sound.
Finally he turns, looking at us briefly, then back down to his wrist before he moves over to the bench. For the first time I notice that amongst Jackson's discarded gear sits a first aid kit, placed within easy reach. He moves to it and pulls out a bandage, placing it over his bleeding wrist and covering it with his right hand to apply pressure.
None of us say anything. I look to Teal'c questioning, almost pleading for him to explain what we've just seen, but he shakes his head. Neither of us have any answers. What can you say when you've just watched a friend sliced his own wrist?
Jackson looks up. I notice now that his eyes are red-rimmed, but clear and bright, not dull and lifeless as I expected.
"You guys should go shower," he says. "If we're late to the briefing, we'll never hear the end of it."
How can he sound so normal when just moments ago he sounded so... not?
"And what of you, Daniel Jackson?" Teal'c asks.
Daniel glances at his wrist. "This has almost stopped bleeding. I'm just gonna bandage it up and then I'll get ready. It won't take long."
I shake my head in utter disbelief. "Jackson, maybe you should go back to the infirmary," I suggest, trying to sound gentle and not worried or confused as hell, which is closest to the truth… a truth that keeps slipping away from me.
"Why?" The word sounds so simple and for a moment he sounds like a child, innocent and questioning.
"So Dr. Lam can take a look at… that." I gesture vaguely towards his wrist.
He looks at it too, pulls back the bandage and I see three neat slices. The last one is still bleeding sluggishly and he replaces the bandage. "There's nothing she can do about it," he says. He must see my skeptical look. "I can handle a simple scratch," he responds with a hint of a smile. I want to say that's it's not a scratch, it's the slice of a knife through flesh. It's not one cut, it's three. And it's not simple, it's self-inflicted. But I don't say any of those things. He waves us off with a quiet, "go on," and for some reason we do. Maybe because he seems so normal now. Calm and logical. I look over my shoulder and see him pulling out gauze and disinfectant.
I hurry in the shower. When I'm done, I grab my clothes, pulling them on hastily as I look out to see if he's still there or if he took the opportunity to finish the job. I realize that Teal'c is behind me, already dressed and quietly looking around.
The locker room is empty. His gear is cleaned up, the med kit has been put away. I look over my shoulder and catch sight of the mirror. Slowly, I walk over to it, drawn by an unidentifiable… something. The knife still sits on the edge of the sink and a small trail of blood disappears into the drain. I look in the mirror and see my own worried face staring back at me. And I wonder what it was that Jackson saw when he stared at his reflection
Author's Note: I really wanted to just end the story here, but it seemed to need some explanation. And the more I try to explain, the longer this supposedly "little" story seems to get.